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Ya’ll, I can’t even deal with the level of troll that Banksy is. This is one of the greatest days of my life, I can’t even explain how tickled I am about him right now.
 

Dave

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He sold a painting for over a million dollars. After the sale the frame SHREDDED the painting. Literally shredded it.
 

Dave

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This wedding I’m DJing tonight is a shit show. It’s in a barn. A literal barn. With two portable heaters and only 1 bathroom. I’ll post more later because there’s just so much...
 
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This wedding I’m DJing tonight is a shit show. It’s in a barn. A literal barn. With two portable heaters and only 1 bathroom. I’ll post more later because there’s just so much...
I mean, my brother and sister in law did that (it was 2 port a potties not a bathroom) and it was ok. But it was also June, not October.
 
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I would bet anything that if it went up for auction again in its current state it would sell for way more.
The problem is that Sotheby’s may not honor the sale. So...it might not be sold at all at this point. Therefore, it kinda makes it worthless if it can’t actually be sold.

However. I get what you’re saying.

Frankly, I’m not convinced it’s an original Banksy. He doesn’t do work on paper. I could see him taking a reproduction of his work and shredding it publicly to make a statement about art theft or something similar. Which then, if it’s not an original Banksy, it’s ‘worthless’. He likes a show, he likes to make a statement, he doesn’t exactly like to sell his work.
 

Dave

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A pit bull just got into one of the cakes. The groom is wearing a knife and a handgun. He’s not the only one.
 

Dave

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The bride’s mom just jumped off the roof and the bride’s stepmom got so drunk she fell over and smashed her face on the pavement.
 

Dave

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The gig was over at 10 but I didn't get out of there until almost 1 am. I had to wait until the cops left. So tired. I'll have to type stuff up when I'm more awake.
 
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My daughter wants to be Kendo Itsuka from My Hero Academia for Halloween, and we just spent 45 minutes in Joanns arguing between two different color shades for the dress until we gave up and bought both, to continue the argument at home. :p
 

GasBandit

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My daughter wants to be Kendo Itsuka from My Hero Academia for Halloween, and we just spent 45 minutes in Joanns arguing between two different color shades for the dress until we gave up and bought both, to continue the argument at home. :p
Tell me you're gonna paint a pair of hulk hands flesh-colored for it.
 

Dave

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Okay, yesterday was a total loss production-wise. Saturday night took a lot out of my and Sunday was spent mostly napping while watching football. Let me tell you about Saturday night. Names have not been changed but with named like Mary or Tim you guys wouldn't know who I was talking about anyway, so...

The first thing I have to tell you is that the bride's family have been friends for years. The bride's mom and my wife went to school together and they were friends before that. We've known the bride her whole life. The second thing you need to know about is about the brides mom - not step-mom. The step-mom is almost achingly normal and when added to the menagerie that is the original family you have to wonder which level of hell she had to descend to get roped into this.

The bride's mom is a major attention whore. And she's insane. Like clinically, but that's her own fault. I know that sounds insensitive, but it's true. She heard a while ago about how people can be on disability and get paid to do nothing, so she started faking symptoms at work so she could get out of it. It worked! It worked so well, in fact, that she was able to start getting mental-nervous and psychoactive drugs to try and "cure" her. How, you ask, do I know she was faking it? She told her husband that she was faking to get out of work. He was not pleased, but they have 5 kids so he was doing everything he could to keep the marriage going. He was a bit of a pushover at that point. Anyway, the crazier she acted the more attention she got and the more drugs she could get - LEGALLY - and she got worse and worse. Husband tried to get her actual help but she didn't want any. Once the kids got to a certain age he finally grew a spine and told her to pound sand. He got a divorce and they went their separate ways. HE got custody of all the kids but the youngest - he wanted all five but the courts don't always care what's best for the kids when druggy mom says she wants the littlest one. He eventually got taken away by the court and he's doing well now, but for a while it was a shitshow. Long story, but he didn't have even the most basic stuff and she would forget to take him to school or buy food or clean or...you get the picture. Eventually they both remarried. Tim married his current wife who is a very nice and normal person. Mary married a guy who dated her mom whom she used to call "Daddy".

I know that's a lot to take in but you needed the background to know what's up and the type of shitshow I *KNEW* I was walking into before I even went.

Now, when you do shows for friends or family it's amazing, but they ALWAYS ask for and expect more than anyone else. They are more demanding and want so much more than anyone else. For example, the wedding was at 3 and she wanted me to do the music, but also wanted me to stay until it got over at 10 pm. Normally a 7 hour gig would run $695 for the first 5 hours and $75 per hour after that. So we'd normally be looking at about $845. Instead I was doing this for the low, low price of free. I made nothing doing any of this.

We get to the farm and drive up to where the dance is going to be - the barn - and we can't unload because they'd backed up a trailer into the yard in front. This is where the bride and wedding party were going to get ready. But that's okay because there was a goat in the road. A very pregnant goat that my wife thinks Sam got a picture of so I might be able to provide a picture of the goat. Cross your fingers. The farm the wedding was at had a lot of animals and most of them were allowed to roam free. There were your assorted chickens, ducks, geese, pea-fowl, etc. but there was also llamas, sheep, goats, and at least one gigantic sow named Sally. Mostly the sheep, goats, and Sally were penned up, but the pregnant goat spent most of its time in the barn and we were invading her home, damn it!

The bride and bridesmaids were dressed traditionally and the guys were dressed in tux shirts with jeans. Typical redneck wedding stuff. The groom wore a pretty decent size knife and a sidearm and he was not the only one packing heat. I expected to hear shots during the night as people shot in the air (I've seen this before at redneck weddings) but these were responsible gun owners and nobody discharged anything. Well, no firearms at least.

There were two restrooms for the 150+ heavily drinking individuals. One was a port-a-potty that sat outside. The other was in the basement of the barn. The one in the basement had a door, but it didn't have a knob so the door didn't stay closed and there was a big fucking hole in it so you could just look through. Someone stuck a towel through the hole after about an hour which served to block unwanted views and you could wrap it around a decoration on the inside to act as sort of a door lock. Just don't hurt the family of frogs that lived in there. (They told me several people saw the frogs but I never did.)

I've told most of the other salient points like the goat coming in several times, the dog that came in and got into one of the cakes, etc. But the main attraction of the night was step-mom and mom.

Step-mom is a very beloved person. She's really nice and really normal. Mom is whack-a-doo and the bride debated whether to invite her at all. But since it is her mom she did. Another note is that step-mom doesn't drink that much...usually. Saturday night, though, she was have a big old time. She hung around with my wife and my wife had brought wine coolers since (1) she had a designated driver and (2) she doesn't care for beer. Oh, and (3) because this shindig needed alcohol to put up with. Step-mom helped my wife get her drink on, and they topped it with fireball shots that someone else brought. My wife and step-mom were well and truly plastered.

Step-mom goes outside to use the port-a-potty since the stairs down to the bathroom were rickety and dangerous for those of us who still had any equilibrium. On her way back inside, she tripped and fell face down onto a concrete step. She bashed her face pretty good. One of the other guests was (is, I suppose) a nurse, so she got tended to right away. This is where mom steps in.

Remember when I said that she's an attention whore? Step-mom was getting all this precious, precious attention and it drove mom off the deep end. So she walked outside and jumped off a ledge. It was about a story up which is why I said off the roof. It wasn't really a roof, but it was a pretty good drop. There were several witnesses that saw her do this. She got back up right away holding her mouth and nose - strangely the same injury the step-mom had, what are the odds!?! - and started screaming for people to help her. When that didn't happen she started throwing a fit that nobody loved her and that the step-mom had "taken her place", etc. She got told she had to leave and off they went.

So why were the cops called, you ask? Apparently the groom got in her face and hit her. So after her and her husband left they called the cops - and rightly so, I might add. Assault is never justified. One of the guests had connections with the small town cops that were called and the party got advanced warning. You've never seen a grown-up party dissipate quite that fast. The groom's sidearm and knife got hidden behind a mirror because "I've been in trouble with the law before and don't want any trouble". The bride totally broke down because she knew her mom would pull something and she felt guilty about it all. The bride's dad praised the actions of the groom to said tearful bride. Step-mom was in the trailer sleeping it off. I couldn't leave because I still had to pack up my gear. By the time the cops got there my stuff was packed but my wife was drunk and still talking and lounging around so I couldn't leave like the rest of the party. There were like 10 of us remaining. My take is, if you are all sitting around "getting your story straight" you are probably not the innocent party in the conflict.

So the cops came, questioned everyone, and I left before the cops did. The dance was over at 9 when this went down but I played music until 10, which was the contract time. People wanted me to play longer, but I said NOPE and tore down my gear. The cops asked me what I saw and I answered truthfully - "I was the DJ. I was inside the whole time and I didn't see anything. I didn't even know anything happened until it was all over."

So there you have it. The redneck wedding. You already had most of it. The big points, anyway. The mom did send my wife a text trying to get more attention and she posted nasty, passive aggressive comments on the bride's Facebook posts about the wedding. But other than that if there's fallout I am not a part of it.

I got more stories of this family, but I'll leave that for another time.
 
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