So many homophobes turn out to secretly be gay that I'm worried I'm actually a cell phone battery on single digit percentage charge level
GasBandit
Ask me about my Reprehensible Filth 44 From Gas' Texan Tile and Pork Sausage Distillery
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Good Morning. God has allowed me to live another day, and I'm about to make it everyone's problem.
Ladies, don't be embarrassed by the quantity of guys you have slept with - just the quality.
Sorry, I can't do stuff tonight, I have to sit in front of a TV show I'm not watching while I refresh the same 3 websites, scraping for fresh content like an addict licking the inside of a plastic baggie that has been empty for days
Statistically speaking, if you make it to the airport, you're already through the deadliest part of airline travel.
Waiting for election results is like waiting to hear your grade on a group project. I know I did my part right, but I'm worried the people around me fucked up.
Internet friends are so weird. I know your deepest trauma but I've never seen your legs.
It's only sodomy if it's from the Sodom and Gomorrah area of Mesopotamia. Otherwise it's just sparkling butt stuff.
Thank you for contacting The Abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
It's high time that audiobooks started coming with subtitles.
Men: Vaginas with teeth is a terrifying concept. Also men: Boy I love getting blowjobs
Job requirements be like "we need a virgin with 12 years experience with sex"
It's bad luck to say MacBook inside an office. You have to refer to it as "The Scottish Laptop"
Just because you're going 5mph over the speed limit doesn't mean you can get in the left lane. Some of us are trying to break the law for real, here.
Not to slut shame, but you all could be much sluttier if you'd actually put in the effort. Come on, step it up.
Shall I compare thee to a sunset? Because it's EVERY FUCKIN DAY WITH YOU I SWEAR TO GOD
Happy 3:16! Remember, God so loved the world that He sent Himself to sacrifice Himself to Himself to save humanity from the torment He said we deserve for breaking rules He designed while knowing completely that we were incapable of following them to His satisfaction.
Look, all I'm saying is, every single person who confuses correlation with causation ends up dying.
If you're looking for some life lessons, here's a place to start: You will never be unhappy that you didn't trust a fart.
Maybe the reason so many guys have foot fetishes is because they lost their virginity to a sock.
Times are tough, so I will be once again selling nudes. $5 to get one. $25 to not get one.
Twitter is where people who don't read books go to argue with the authors who wrote them.
How does a Hippie Polygamist count his wives? One Mrs. Hippie, Two Mrs. Hippie...
Mashed potatoes is just Irish Guacamole.
Y'all don't know what it was like before memes. One joke from Billy Madison had to last you like 5 years.
Sexual Innuendo? I can keep it up all night.
When I die, I'll be going to hell. If not to be punished, then probably to be someone else's punishment.
Turns out, the guy who killed Batman's parents saved SO many lives....
People are shocked when they find out I'm not a very good electrician.
Nobody digs a well at the top of a hill. WTF were Jack and Jill doing up there...?
Roses are red, violets are blue. Pornhub is down, your facebook will do.
"Soundcloud" is just a fancy ass word for "fart."
To this day, I'm still disgruntled that I was forced to learn to write in cursive as a child. It has literally never been useful.
20 years ago, people escaped from the real world into the internet. Now people escape from the internet into the real world.
It's so vulgar and unintellectual to call it "cum." Instead, call it high fructose porn syrup.
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