[Question] Am I being unreasonably uninclusive here?

[Mathias]

Fair enough. Seaman M doesn't get much time in town, and I do already know Best Man (we're friends on the facebook and the three of us did hang out at the wedding while waiting for the main event). I dunno. I think of Mrs. M less as a friend and more like chosen family, so I think that's where the reticence here is stemming from. The evening is already not going to meet my hopes (we're extremely limited in timescale due to Miss W's schedule -we can only get together that Sunday evening, which is a school night, and still have everyone available) anyways.
The other thing is, and it is incredibly selfish, he's already in town. So he can already hang out with buddy. He can hang out with him any night in the next two weeks or so. Any night in the last week or so. I get to chill with him and his wife this one night. I don't mind - I accept that I fall low in the man's pecking order, I wouldn't expect otherwise. But come on, can't I get four hours alone with my favorite couple (and their sister/sister-in-law)? I don't know what their dynamic is like, maybe its not the one I'm hoping for. Then again, maybe it will make no difference.
That said, you guys are confirming what I already suspected. I'll tell him tomorrow. Thanks.

Wow, you are a total buzzkill. Don't bring this shit up to your friend. For the love of God don't do it, unless you want to have a miserable time with your friends thinking you're a douche, and word getting back to the buddy making him think you're a douche. What's going to happen is YOU'RE going to end up being the third wheel for the evening.
I... wow...
Really, it's one other guy. I could understand if Mrs. W was your spouse and the friend wanted to come by while you were trying to have an intimate time on Christmas, but this... this is just stupid.
Added at: 07:52

Some parties are the kind that are always the more the merrier and whatever happens is fine. Other parties are the kind where hosts like to plan things out so the event has a certain feel and function. Haven't any of you ever had a gathering or a dinner party with a set guest list? Adding, or subtracting for that matter, can completely change the tone and feel of a party. It is not rude or possessive to want specific people at a specific event.
In my college town I have a close group of about 8 friends that I love doing stuff with. However, sometimes I just want to do things with certain ones of them at certain times and i am very disappointed when even one of these close friends comes along when it wasn't originally planned that way. There is nothing wrong with that. That is how you plan get togethers with certain people with certain personality combinations. I do not at all see how this situation makes him, or me, into someone who is clingy or possessive.

That decision is at the host's discretion; not the guests. You act like an adult, suck it up, and play nice. Or you can be a vindictive douche and try to passive aggressively piss everyone off because you didn't get your way.
Added at: 07:55

Well, that makes sense.
If it were me, and I felt that uncomfortable, I'd just tell him not to come. You might end up making your other friends uncomfortable if they felt you weren't treating their friend right.
I mean, I kinda had this situation play out a few weeks ago when I invited my co-worker over for a "guy's night" of games, alcohol and pizza. He ended up deciding to bring his girlfriend along, which, I wasn't all too happy with. He apologized for doing so, and I told him not to worry about it, told him she could come, and bought extra food for her as well, because hey, if she ended up coming, and I treated her like an ass because I didn't particularly want her to come, then my co-worker would have been put off.
tl:dr If you say yes, treat him the same as the others
Otherwise, say no.

This is an understandable situation to get upset over. It's unexpected and unplanned in regards to the host. The case here is that it's the hosts that are changing the arrangements. That's not something that's debatable. It's their party, and they can plan it as they please.

 

[strawman]

The case here is that it's the hosts that are changing the arrangements.

I understood that Norris was the host, and the guests were asking him if another person could join their party.

 

[Norris]

"Yeah, he can come, but I'm not going to do a single thing to make him feel comfortable or prevent him from being excluded from everything. I hope he enjoys it when I make it painfully clear that he's here against my wishes!"

Doesn't seem particularly warm-hearted to me.

The only thing he wasn't going to be included in was getting a gift. I'm not going to rush out, drop $20 (since that is what I spent on everyone else) on something tailored to how I met him or what I appreciate about our friendship (because I barely know him, but that's what I did for everyone else), and write a hand written personal note explaining the significance (since I don't expect everyone to remember things from years ago) just so someone I didn't invite can feel more included when I give my best friend, her husband, and one of my other best friends their Christmas presents. So I nixed the gift giving, I'll just be boxing them up and they can open them whenever, in private.

Additionally, for various reasons, there was never going to be any alcohol. When it's just Mrs. M's husband, I can explain to him why and he can deal with it. But these two guys together like to drink. Middle of the night, two in the afternoon, doesn't matter - they'll have a can of beer when relaxing. So, when it was still at my house, I felt awkward about having them over without offering any (which I have reasons for not doing).

That decision is at the host's discretion; not the guests. You act like an adult, suck it up, and play nice. Or you can be a vindictive douche and try to passive aggressively piss everyone off because you didn't get your way.

I am the goddamned host. This whole thread has been devoted to telling me that it is not really at my discretion if I want to be a good host. I had already told Mrs. M's sister that I wasn't sure bringing her boyfriend was a good idea, since I wasn't going to get him anything. She understood, but now that Best Man is coming I can't rightly say that anymore, so he's invited. Since two people I did not buy gifts for (and who would likely be somewhat ill at ease if I did anyways, considering I've met them both once) are now coming, I decided to nix the gift giving. Since that got nixed, there wasn't much reason to hold it in basement anymore since my dad doesn't stock much more than our family of three needs, I can't afford to buy much, and my sister's Christmas party the night before will clean us out. So I decided that moving it to Steak N Shake, Mrs. M and Miss W's favorite restaurant and a frequent hang-out spot for this crowd, was for the best. I've complained about it here, since this is not what I wanted it to be (I wouldn't have planned it two weeks in advance or scheduled it when I did if it was just fucking around at Steak N Shake), but all they know is "hey, sure, bring more people and let's do it at Steak N Shake".

All right? I've opened it up to the people they wanted to bring. I've changed the venue to be more inclusive. I've nixed the gifts, which were initially the whole fucking point of the proceedings, to be more inclusive. All reluctantly, I admit, but it was done. Where exactly am I being a bad host?

 

[Dave]

Late to the party as usual, but here's my thoughts.

Here's this friend who is in town for a short while. He's being pulled in several directions as he wants to see everyone and spend time with them in a meaningful way. He's taking time out to come to your house, which is a HUGE thing if he's that short on time. But he also has this friend that he wants to spend time with. He suggests a compromise - bring the Best Man (and someone who is going to be his Best Man is a very good friend!). Everyone wins, right? You get to see your friend, he gets t spend time with you and the Best Man. Make the best attempt you can to making the Best Man feel at home and welcome. Not doing so will alienate your friend and cause rifts in the relationship. And for what? Because you want to be selfish and keep your friend to yourself? Please.

I did nearly the same thing when I was a kid. My best friend, Rodney, started hanging out with this new kid, David Elliott. I got so mad! But eventually I realized that David was a great guy and instead of throwing a fit and losing my one friend I discovered I had two friends.

This was second grade. You are in college and should be well past this.

 

[LittleSin]

I am laughing. I can't help it. This whole thread seems goddamn juvenile.

Guess What? I'm having a Tibbs Eve party. It was only supposed to be about 8 of us. A nice intimate affair. However, my sister got involved and now about five of her friends are showing up. Then my parents told me that a few relatives might stop by. So My small affair has become about 20.

I'm not thrilled with it...but, hey! It's Tibbs Eve! It's a bout plankin' her down and gettin' rowdy!

Not all those people that are coming are getting gifts! That would be fucking insane! My good friends are getting gifts and the rest of them can treat the ability to party in my home as a gift...and I'll treat the stuff they bring for the potluck as theirs.

Also, I don't drink..but that doesn't stop me and my husband from having booze and mix around. I'm an adult. I understand that adults drink. Doesn't mean I have to. If it makes them feel more comfortable, go for it!

(I do however...imbibe other things.)

Changes and plans can lead to fun! Just relax and go with it! I guarantee you that you will learn more about your friends husband through his interactions with those closest to him then through the awkward ones he'll have with you starting off.


Just. Have. FUN.

 

[Norris]

Here's this friend who is in town for a short while. He's being pulled in several directions as he wants to see everyone and spend time with them in a meaningful way.

Which is why I'm only asking for four hours out of the three weeks he will be home, and counting myself lucky to get them.

He's taking time out to come to your house, which is a HUGE thing if he's that short on time.

Look, not for nothing, but I performed the dude's wedding and his wife is my best friend. It is very nice of him to find the time for me, and we are friends, but he's made it clear his wife was gonna make him come along no matter when or where I threw the thing (within reason).

But he also has this friend that he wants to spend time with. He suggests a compromise - bring the Best Man (and someone who is going to be his Best Man is a very good friend!). Everyone wins, right? You get to see your friend, he gets t spend time with you and the Best Man.

My compromise would be to go hang out with him afterwards, or to just tell let him alone for the four hours. They do hang out just about every day when he's home, as I would do in the same situation.

Make the best attempt you can to making the Best Man feel at home and welcome. Not doing so will alienate your friend and cause rifts in the relationship. And for what? Because you want to be selfish and keep your friend to yourself? Please.

And I've done that, as explained at length in the post above yours. But I don't feel it was that selfish to want to keep the private and personal little gift exchange I'd planned with my best friend and her husband (whose wedding I performed - I even titled the event "Walker Ministries Christmas Part") private.

I am laughing. I can't help it. This whole thread seems goddamn juvenile.

Oh screw you. Seriously, NO ONE has ever tried to have a small and meaningful Christmas gathering restricted to people you love? That doesn't happen? I'm the only one?

Guess What? I'm having a Tibbs Eve party. It was only supposed to be about 8 of us. A nice intimate affair. However, my sister got involved and now about five of her friends are showing up. Then my parents told me that a few relatives might stop by. So My small affair has become about 20.

I would see that completely unacceptable. You're the host, you should have complete control of the guest list. I personally can't stand gigantic parties where you don't get to talk to anyone on any meaningful level and would never throw one myself.

Not all those people that are coming are getting gifts! That would be fucking insane! My good friends are getting gifts and the rest of them can treat the ability to party in my home as a gift...and I'll treat the stuff they bring for the potluck as theirs.

According to this thread then, you're noninclusive.

Also, I don't drink..but that doesn't stop me and my husband from having booze and mix around. I'm an adult. I understand that adults drink. Doesn't mean I have to. If it makes them feel more comfortable, go for it!

I will go so far as to say that the recent establishment of my house as mostly dry was not mine, I don't know the reasons for it, I'm unhappy about it, I support it wholeheartedly, and we'll leave it there.

Changes and plans can lead to fun! Just relax and go with it! I guarantee you that you will learn more about your friends husband through his interactions with those closest to him then through the awkward ones he'll have with you starting off.

Fair point, though he and I are beyond the awkward stage on his part (it still takes me a good two minutes to remember I'm not terrified of him). I don't their dynamic - do they still tell the funny stories about their rabbit-like sex life? What stories can I refer to? How open is Miss W around this guy? I certainly don't feel comfortable getting "real" about my feelings in front of him. Do they turn into total Bros? I don't rightly know. The only times we've met were at the wedding rehearsal (when Mrs. M's mom was running the show) and the wedding (where we were naturally all rather preoccupied).

Just. Have. FUN.

I fully intend to try.

 

[strawman]

Just. Have. FUN.

 

[Dave]

I didn't see the post above mine because it wasn't there when I posted mine. But my sentiment remains basically the same. You seem to have some resentment against the guy for hanging out with the dude who was the Best Man at his wedding. Look at the way you are portraying him.

his wife is my best friend.

he's made it clear his wife was gonna make him come along no matter when I threw the thing.

They do hang out just about every day when he's home

What these say to me - right or wrong: "I'm her friend not necessarily his friend." "He didn't really want to come but she's making him." "He sees this guy all the time so I don't see why he can't leave him by himself for a couple hours."

The more you talk the more you paint him as selfish, which is your way of trying to justify your own feelings.

But as you've already changed the invitations, these projections are a moot point. You did the right thing and are fighting through the irrational feelings you are having. And yes, I think you are in the wrong for wanting to keep him all to yourself. That's not how friendship works.

 

[strawman]

Now that I think about it, it's almost sounding like he doesn't want to come, but since he has to he'd like to bring his friend so he knows he'll have someone fun there for him.

In other words, everyone's merely trying to make themselves as comfortable as they can within the constraints everyone else is setting.

You aren't going to have as much as you were hoping. He will have more fun than he would have had if his best man wasn't coming. Your friend's sister will have more fun than she would have if her friend wasn't coming.

You are the host, it's within your right to set the boundary of the party. You can be like martha stewart and set everything up perfectly in such a way that you know each guest will have a better time than they imagined. Or you can be like most people and allow guests some latitude in how the party goes so they can assure themselves of their happiness.

Unless you had a terrific plan that you know would blow your guest's socks off, you should lean towards letting them bring their own fun to the party.

 

[Norris]

I didn't see the post above mine because it wasn't there when I posted mine. But my sentiment remains basically the same. You seem to have some resentment against the guy for hanging out with the dude who was the Best Man at his wedding. Look at the way you are portraying him.

Because I want him to hang out with the guy who got ordained for, wrote the "beautiful" text of, and performed his wedding. I'd like to think that I've earned at least a little consideration in the pantheon of friends.

What these say to me - right or wrong: "I'm her friend not necessarily his friend." "He didn't really want to come but she's making him." "He sees this guy all the time so I don't see why he can't leave him by himself for a couple hours."

He does like me, he does want to come, but we're not personally close enough friends where that last part would be assumed. And when I asked him what date/time would be good for him, he flat out said that his wife was in charge in that department and he just shows up. His wife thinks we would be pretty good friends if we had the time to hang out...which we don't.

The more you talk the more you paint him as selfish, which is your way of trying to justify your own feelings.

I think he is being a little...not selfish, but insensitive. Let me explain by telling you the gifts I got them:

• Mrs. M - A copy of the Far Side book I saw her reading back in middle school, which is what made me start talking to her in the first place. I wrote a little hand written deal explaining that without this book, my life would be much different and likely not for the better.
• Mr. M The Seaman - A copy of Kevin Smith's latest movie on DVD. The first words he ever directed at me ("I'm gonna kill you mother fucker") were typed while I ask IMing his wife when I got home from seeing that flick. A note mentioning that story and telling him I'm glad we've gotten beyond the facetious death threat portion of our association.
• Miss W - A custom made Mr. Hanky The Christmas Poo stuffed animal sewed by my sister. Note explains that I knew we'd be good friends the moment we shared a dirty joke* at her sister and brother-in-law's expense just by making eye contact. Plus That's My Bush and Baseketball on DVD.

Does that at all explain the vibe I was trying to go for here? Is it at least a little understandable I would feel this way based on the personal meaning of each gift?

But as you've already changed the invitations, these projections are a moot point. You did the right thing and are fighting through the irrational feelings you are having. And yes, I think you are in the wrong for wanting to keep him all to yourself. That's not how friendship works.

Fair enough.

Now that I think about it, it's almost sounding like he doesn't want to come, but since he has to he'd like to bring his friend so he knows he'll have someone fun there for him.

Well if that is the case, then I'd best just cancel the damn thing. If he's feeling obligated enough to lie about liking me and looking forward to seeing me over Christmas break, then me and his wife must be real tyrants. [/sarcasm]

You aren't going to have as much as you were hoping. He will have more fun than he would have had if his best man wasn't coming. Your friend's sister will have more fun than she would have if her friend wasn't coming.

Again, he's seemed to have enough fun the other times we've hung out. He said he would install a program on my computer that would let him tech support it from Virginia, which is a pretty big gesture for someone you don't have fun hanging out with. And the last time Miss W's boyfriend joined us, he didn't really join the conversation much...but they did kind of cuddle in the booth the whole time so point taken.

You are the host, it's within your right to set the boundary of the party. You can be like martha stewart and set everything up perfectly in such a way that you know each guest will have a better time than they imagined. Or you can be like most people and allow guests some latitude in how the party goes so they can assure themselves of their happiness.

If someone really doesn't want to hang out with me, I'd rather than say so than lie.


*In our defense, when asked how spending a week with her husband went, "We ate out a lot" is just begging for "I bet you did" in response when a couple is as open about their sex life as they are.

 

[Shegokigo]

"They will spend time with me, they must! I do so much for them! I helped perform their wedding! Their debt to me must be paid! What's this? Share them? No! They're mine! You can't have them, I won't have it! Fine fine you can come but you will get NO SWEETIES! The sweeties are for ME and for MY FRIENDS! You sit there are watch, I'd rather you didn't participate but I most tolerate your presense in my father's house..... for now!

*Disclaimer, I'm not saying that's how you meant it Norris, I'm beginning to learn to read between your lines a bit better and understand that you really don't meant to come off that way, but I have a feeling that little piece above is how you must seem to some people.

 

[Norris]

Do they even have ANY idea that was the exact vibe you were going for here? I'm guessing on no. Don't expect the same thoughtful gifts in return. You cannot place expectations like that on people when they have no idea you had very specific plans for this evening.

I'm expecting no gifts. I've told them that I am getting them stuff, and it would be really nice of them to get me something, but I'm doing this to make them happy. I had been looking forward to seeing the looks on their faces (Mrs. M's roommate's face lit up like a kid on Christmas when she saw I got her The Room) but as long as they get them and are happy.

Am I understanding this correctly that you initially wanted to have a Christmas dinner with just his wife?

Also, seriously, you cannot treat your best friend this way. You're coming across as a jealous boyfriend here!

What? No! It was always the three of them. I've been planning to buy all of them Christmas gifts pretty much since the wedding. There exists a standing invitation that inviting one means all three are welcome. Same thing goes for her roommates (ideally, they could have come too but they live too far away when not at school). The fact of the matter is that I wanted this to be a special occasion and I barely know Best Man or Boyfriend. I wanted this to be the people I'm close to. They felt differently, and I've rolled with it albeit reluctantly.

Seriously now? >.>

Find me one person who enjoys being told their feelings are invalid and childish and I will rescind that.

You are obviously overthinking this thing way too much and placing unrealistic expectations on this event. You could have said "no" right away when he asked, and explained why. They could have made arrangements for the Best Man to do something else for a few hours, not that hard. So don't be a passive aggressive dick now that you said yes. You will STILL get to spend time with the other people as well.

I could have said no, but then (as this thread as state a dozen times) I would have been an unreasonable dick. I'm not about to get all drippy "but I got you guys special personal Christmas gifts" to a fucking 6' 2" helicopter mechanic enlisted man in the U.S. Navy. I like to at least pretend to live up to some of the cultural expectations of a straight male aside from "romantically attracted to women" and "wears men's clothing", thankyouverymuch.

*Disclaimer, I'm not saying that's how you meant it Norris, I'm beginning to learn to read between your lines a bit better and understand that you really don't meant to come off that way, but I have a feeling that little piece above is how you must seem to some people.

Then let me rephrase this - I think of Mrs. M like family. Not like a sister, but like a really close cousin. I love her, I love her husband, I love her sister. These are people I love (in the familial/friend sense). They know this. They don't necessarily feel exactly the same way, and I know that. So to me, this feels is like if my cousin's husband invited his buddy along to our Christmas. It is emphatically not that, but that is what it feels like to me.

 

[LittleSin]

Oh screw you. Seriously, NO ONE has ever tried to have a small and meaningful Christmas gathering restricted to people you love? That doesn't happen? I'm the only one?.

I have had that. I make it abundantly clear what is the intended function. Not in a mean bossy way, either. "Hey, I was thinking that you, Beth, Steve and I can get together on <whatever> and have a small gift opening and watch Christmas movies1 It would just be a the four of us, we can mellow and catch up! No parties. "

I would see that completely unacceptable. You're the host, you should have complete control of the guest list. I personally can't stand gigantic parties where you don't get to talk to anyone on any meaningful level and would never throw one myself.

Indeed, I am the host...but I'm also a person that has found that change and surprise can be the best things ever! 20 people isn't a huge party! It's an oppurtnuity to have fun! I don't like big parties either however, there is a good energy in a group of like minded people. A warmth and apprecitation that you won't find in a group of four.

According to this thread then, you're noninclusive.

Where are you getting this from? People are saying you are being non inclusive because you sound uber-passive aggressive by delaring he can't expect drinks or hospitality from you. Not a stupid gift. I don' t think anyone is saying your being a dick for not getting a gift.

 

[Jay]

....so, did you hook up with that girl yet or you still performing your masonic secret self handshake?

 

[Norris]

I have had that. I make it abundantly clear what is the intended function. Not in a mean bossy way, either. "Hey, I was thinking that you, Beth, Steve and I can get together on <whatever> and have a small gift opening and watch Christmas movies1 It would just be a the four of us, we can mellow and catch up! No parties. "

How does "Walker Ministries Christmas Party, only 3 guests, get gifts and watch a movie, don't bring your boyfriend" not express that?

Indeed, I am the host...but I'm also a person that has found that change and surprise can be the best things ever! 20 people isn't a huge party! It's an oppurtnuity to have fun! I don't like big parties either however, there is a good energy in a group of like minded people. A warmth and apprecitation that you won't find in a group of four.

20 people is a HUGE party! My idea of a good time, as evidenced by my birthday parties in high school, is six to eight of my absolute best friends eating snacks, playing video games, and watching a movie. If I don't feel comfortable making an ass of myself playing Just Dance in front of you, then I don't want you at my party.

Then again, my idea of a wild Friday night is me and Mrs. M and her roommates going to see a cult classic at 11 PM at the local theater. I'm a homebody.

Where are you getting this from? People are saying you are being non inclusive because you sound uber-passive aggressive by delaring he can't expect drinks or hospitality from you. Not a stupid gift. I don' t think anyone is saying your being a dick for not getting a gift.

" There will be no booze, I hope he doesn't mind not getting a gift, and I hope he enjoys this cheesy old Christmas movie." That is, rephrased, the statement people found egregious.

....so, did you hook up with that girl yet or you still performing your masonic secret self handshake?

Asked her out, got a polite no thanks, later explained that what y'all advised was probably interest was really just friendly advice. Things would have been less awkward if I never asked her out in the first place, as the next time we hung out she seemed oddly hostile towards me. Things are back to normal now. But that isn't what this thread is about.

 

[Dave]

If I was invited to a party and someone said, "Don't bring your girlfriend/wife/whatever." I'd politely decline.

 

[Norris]

If I was invited to a party and someone said, "Don't bring your girlfriend/wife/whatever." I'd politely decline.

Telling a high schooler that I'm uncomfortable inviting her boyfriend because I'm not intending to get him a present and I barely know him isn't quite the same as "don't bring your wife".

 

[LittleSin]

You are really hung up on this present thing.

 

[Dave]

High schooler? Okay, that's different. I thought it was college age and above. Yeah, that's not out of line.

 

[Norris]

You are really hung up on this present thing.

Well yeah. I put thought and effort into picking out these gifts. I want them to enjoy them. I was careful to buy Mr. M's gift at Best Buy (and not amazon) so he'd be able to return it anywhere easily if he got a duplicate. The gift giving was the impetus for the get together being planned as it was in the first place - that is to say: in the door, give them gifts, then watch a movie or play Just Dance or shoot the shit or whatever. It would also be the height of rudeness (not your guys' opinion, mine) to give three out of five attendees presents and make the other two watch them open them, thus requiring me to nix the gift giving at the gathering all together. Thus removing the impetus for gathering at my home, with my DVD player and Wii. Thus moving us to just hang out at Steak N Shake, something that could have been arranged via text message the day of.

High schooler? Okay, that's different. I thought it was college age and above. Yeah, that's not out of line.

Yeah, no if this were even one year from now he'd be invited no questions. But I hold skepticism that they will make it past next Thanksgiving (and the traditional long distance relationship "Turkey Drop") , so not this year.

Sorry. I thought I'd mentioned that, but the only clue i think I dropped was "school night". Sorry.

 

[strawman]

you will get NO SWEETIES!

 

[LittleSin]

Well yeah. I put thought and effort into picking out these gifts. I want them to enjoy them. I was careful to buy Mr. M's gift at Best Buy (and not amazon) so he'd be able to return it anywhere easily if he got a duplicate. The gift giving was the impetus for the get together being planned as it was in the first place - that is to say: in the door, give them gifts, then watch a movie or play Just Dance or shoot the shit or whatever. It would also be the height of rudeness (not your guys' opinion, mine) to give three out of five attendees presents and make the other two watch them open them, thus requiring me to nix the gift giving at the gathering all together. Thus removing the impetus for gathering at my home, with my DVD player and Wii. Thus moving us to just hang out at Steak N Shake, something that could have been arranged via text message the day of.

Okay...so let's say you have a girl friend. You've been dating her about a year and he best friend is having small get together/present pass. You're invited by-proxy because, well, your important to your girlfriend.

You go, the presents are handed out, but you and one other guy don't get one because the host is not particularly connected to you or the other guy. How do you feel?

Do you understand because you were just invited by the good grace of the host?

Or do you think that's rude?

 

[strawman]

Okay...so let's say you have a girl friend. You've been dating her about a year and he best friend is having small get together/present pass. You're invited by-proxy because, well, your important to your girlfriend.

You go, the presents are handed out, but you and one other guy don't get one because the host is not particularly connected to you or the other guy. How do you feel?

Do you understand because you were just invited by the good grace of the host?

Or do you think that's rude?

He thinks that's rude, which is why he's no longer giving presents at the party, and moved it to a location that better fit the new party's size.

 

[LittleSin]

He thinks that's rude, which is why he's no longer giving presents at the party, and moved it to a location that better fit the new party's size.

I understand that part. I'm just wondering if holds others to the same ideals as he does himself.

 

[Norris]

Okay...so let's say you have a girl friend. You've been dating her about a year and he best friend is having small get together/present pass. You're invited by-proxy because, well, your important to your girlfriend.

It is mainly Best Man whose feelings I am considering. I had been waffling on inviting Boyfriend and telling him (jokingly) that his gift was being let into my house until I decided to have my sister make his lady a Mr. Hanky stuffed animal. Then it just seemed weird.

As an aside, my Ex's friends hated me so I don't really have much of a frame of reference on interacting with a sig-oth's friends.

You go, the presents are handed out, but you and one other guy don't get one because the host is not particularly connected to you or the other guy. How do you feel?


Do you understand because you were just invited by the good grace of the host?

Or do you think that's rude?

I would, personally, feel as though that I had invaded what was intended as a personal moment if the gifts came with the little cards like mine will. I would feel tremendously awkward. I would it had been rude for me to come along when clearly I hadn't been meant to be there in the first place. I'd possibly even be a little miffed at my girlfriend for bringing me to what was supposed to be a thing for her and her friends, independent of me.

But I do believe that we've established I'm not the world's best baseline. My goal in life is to make as few waves as is humanly possible, cause as little conflict as I can, keep things the way they are, keep the circle small.

 

[LittleSin]

Well, how about just buy him a small Christmas card? It's not a full blown gift..but it is a good to make a person feel welcomed and shows that you thought of their inclusion in the festivities.

 

[Norris]

Well, how about just buy him a small Christmas card? It's not a full blown gift..but it is a good to make a person feel welcomed and shows that you thought of their inclusion in the festivities.

Or we'll just all go to Steak N Shake and I'll hand Mr. & Mrs. M a box with presents in it as they leave? I mean, they do all live at her parents house when he's up here, not like they won't get the stuff that way. They'll open them when they feel like it (probably Christmas itself) and I'll get a text or a facebook message or just a thanks when I next see them. Not what I'd hoped for, but its becoming apparent those hopes were somewhat unrealistic.

 

[LordRendar]

Give them a present and tell the Best Man,"sorry dude,but I couldnt get you anything on such short notice.Have a beer and welcome to my place."
Done.No drama,no hassle and you might have found a new friend.

 

[Bowielee]

Give them a present and tell the Best Man,"sorry dude,but I couldnt get you anything on such short notice.Have a beer and welcome to my place."
Done.No drama,no hassle and you might have found a new friend.

I wouldnt recommrnd the beer as it sounds like hes under age, then again, for all i know all parties involved are.

 

[LordRendar]

oh...didnt see that he was underage."Well,have a coke/cider/drink and welcome to my place" as alternative.

 

[LittleSin]

HE isn't underaged. The sister is. His house just has drinking ban for a reason he doesn't feel comfortable getting into/or doesn't understand.

 

[strawman]

Well, you never know. Maybe these guys are all trying to help you gain new friends and expand your social circle. It can only do you good.

Also, keep in mind they are your friends because they like being with you. It's nice to pick out a restaurant that you know they already like. It's nice to pick out gifts that are meaningful due to events in the past.

But it's great to take them out to restaurants you specifically like. It's great to give them gifts that will become cherished memories, rather than gifts that recollect cherished memories.

I'm not saying what you're doing isn't good, but it does tend towards living in the past, and avoiding change and new experiences.

 

[Vrii]

Just to be clear, my point wasn't that you'd be unreasonable not to give gifts, or to ask the extra guy to bring his own bottle or whatever. That's completely within your rights as host, and nobody should be put out by it. I just took issue with Makare trying to paint a willingness to open the door as being the highest level of generosity.

 

[Norris]

Just to be clear, my point wasn't that you'd be unreasonable not to give gifts, or to ask the extra guy to bring his own bottle or whatever. That's completely within your rights as host, and nobody should be put out by it. I just took issue with Makare trying to paint a willingness to open the door as being the highest level of generosity.

Ah, fair enough. I agree there.

Clarifications on age -
I am 21.
Mrs. M is 21.
Mr. M is 24.
Best Man is 24.
Miss W is 17.
Her boyfriend is 17.

Clarifications about the booze - I don't drink, so I wouldn't keep alcohol in the house for myself. My father has recently cut way back (to almost nothing but unopened expensive shit) on what he keeps in the house. I don't know why exactly, but I have my suspicions and I don't feel like asking.

Clarifications about Best Man - I know him. I've spent time with him, albeit very limited. We're friends on Facebook and he is a frequent commenter on links to politics stories. He's a good dude, I don't dislike him. That is not the problem here. Any other time, I wouldn't have been bothered. But this fucking Christmas, y'know? I was trying to celebrate the holiday with some dear ones, not just hang out with some folks I get along with (which is what it has turned into).

Give them a present and tell the Best Man,"sorry dude,but I couldnt get you anything on such short notice.Have a beer and welcome to my place."
Done.No drama,no hassle and you might have found a new friend.

Or I could, you know, move the festivity to a favorite hang out spot and just hand off the presents. That's also no drama no hassle no awkward. And a week's notice isn't short enough to justify not having a present.

 

[Tress]

Just to be clear, my point wasn't that you'd be unreasonable not to give gifts, or to ask the extra guy to bring his own bottle or whatever. That's completely within your rights as host, and nobody should be put out by it. I just took issue with Makare trying to paint a willingness to open the door as being the highest level of generosity.

Basically the same way I felt.