I call the big one Bitey.
Who are we and who do we want to be?
- Thread starter Dave
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That would be my guesstimate, aye.
*waves*
*waves*
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After the recent blow-up I had a few weeks ago and the subsequent drama, I actually logged off, deleted the bookmark and intended on not coming back. Of course, I'd lurk once in a blue moon and I suddenly had nowhere to discuss nerdy things like I did before. I'll be honest, I'm not even sure if I want to come back, but seeing this thread, I had to throw in my two cents.
This place is amazing, welcoming, and a supportive community. Most times. I really have nothing against anyone and don't hold a grudge against anyone. That said, there are some here that create a volatile, unwelcoming, bullying environment sometimes. It's not that they're bad people, but their behaviour sometimes gives the forum as a whole a bad name because of their overbearing presence. It's a couple of things: 1) They don't let up when it's clear someone's getting upset and it's usually then that they start to take things way too far. 2) When they attack, they go for the emotional jugular, with scathing, hurtful remarks. 3) Several of these people tend to gang up on the target. 4) They constantly defend themselves with, "LOL. You need thicker skin" when maybe they should reconsider what it is they're saying. It's similar to Charlie in a lot of ways. Charlie I honestly have little issue with, but he frames the things he says in such a way that it's almost impossible not to expect a reaction. The same is applied to this group. They may see it as joking or jabbing or whatever, but to the receivers of those words, they're hurtful. It's not a matter of having a thicker skin, it's a matter of backing off when the person is upset and not adding gas to the fire (actual gas, not the Bandit variety).
And yes, I'll fully admit that there are times that I overreact and flip out (such as the incident that convinced me to leave in the first place; similar to other incidents). In my defence, I say two things:
1) I have depression and been fighting it for nearly two decades now. Most times...most times...I can handle the badgering or the bullying comments and joke back. But it's when I'm down in the dumps that those hurtful words can trigger an emotional reaction. And because I honestly have very little in the way of social activity this past year, I have very few places to unleash some of that inner anger. Even without the depression, I fully admit that I'm a sensitive guy, sometimes overly sensitive. And when I do lash out, it's best to just let it go and let me cool off. Believe me, when I do cool off, you can fully expect - and rightfully deserve - an apology.
2) I was relentlessly bullied in Middle School. Not only at school, but on the school bus rides to and from school, at home (many of the bullies live in my neighbourhood) and around town in general. The way they treated me there reminds me far too much of the way some people treat others on here, so of course, it's going to be a trigger for me. I don't appreciate bullying tactics, which can include verbal jabs and personal attacks.
Honestly, I don't know what to suggest. The people who this post is aimed at won't change. And as I said, I honestly don't think anyone on here is a bad person. It's just the teenager-like behaviour that some have when they lash out at others that gives this place a bad name.
I'm still on the fence about bothering to return at all, truth be told. I try to treat everyone with respect (try being the operative word; I took many a jab at Charlie, for example, and there was the whole kerfuffle with Mathias) and expect the same in return, that's all. I don't openly try to attack someone or put them down because lord knows I've been there enough times myself. And again, I just expect the same in return, that's all. And most times on this forum, I get that respect. But I shouldn't have to keep returning here only to be bullied like I was in Middle School by people who should be adults.
This place is amazing, welcoming, and a supportive community. Most times. I really have nothing against anyone and don't hold a grudge against anyone. That said, there are some here that create a volatile, unwelcoming, bullying environment sometimes. It's not that they're bad people, but their behaviour sometimes gives the forum as a whole a bad name because of their overbearing presence. It's a couple of things: 1) They don't let up when it's clear someone's getting upset and it's usually then that they start to take things way too far. 2) When they attack, they go for the emotional jugular, with scathing, hurtful remarks. 3) Several of these people tend to gang up on the target. 4) They constantly defend themselves with, "LOL. You need thicker skin" when maybe they should reconsider what it is they're saying. It's similar to Charlie in a lot of ways. Charlie I honestly have little issue with, but he frames the things he says in such a way that it's almost impossible not to expect a reaction. The same is applied to this group. They may see it as joking or jabbing or whatever, but to the receivers of those words, they're hurtful. It's not a matter of having a thicker skin, it's a matter of backing off when the person is upset and not adding gas to the fire (actual gas, not the Bandit variety).
And yes, I'll fully admit that there are times that I overreact and flip out (such as the incident that convinced me to leave in the first place; similar to other incidents). In my defence, I say two things:
1) I have depression and been fighting it for nearly two decades now. Most times...most times...I can handle the badgering or the bullying comments and joke back. But it's when I'm down in the dumps that those hurtful words can trigger an emotional reaction. And because I honestly have very little in the way of social activity this past year, I have very few places to unleash some of that inner anger. Even without the depression, I fully admit that I'm a sensitive guy, sometimes overly sensitive. And when I do lash out, it's best to just let it go and let me cool off. Believe me, when I do cool off, you can fully expect - and rightfully deserve - an apology.
2) I was relentlessly bullied in Middle School. Not only at school, but on the school bus rides to and from school, at home (many of the bullies live in my neighbourhood) and around town in general. The way they treated me there reminds me far too much of the way some people treat others on here, so of course, it's going to be a trigger for me. I don't appreciate bullying tactics, which can include verbal jabs and personal attacks.
Honestly, I don't know what to suggest. The people who this post is aimed at won't change. And as I said, I honestly don't think anyone on here is a bad person. It's just the teenager-like behaviour that some have when they lash out at others that gives this place a bad name.
I'm still on the fence about bothering to return at all, truth be told. I try to treat everyone with respect (try being the operative word; I took many a jab at Charlie, for example, and there was the whole kerfuffle with Mathias) and expect the same in return, that's all. I don't openly try to attack someone or put them down because lord knows I've been there enough times myself. And again, I just expect the same in return, that's all. And most times on this forum, I get that respect. But I shouldn't have to keep returning here only to be bullied like I was in Middle School by people who should be adults.
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SeraRelm
Not to attack you, or defend others, but saying they're acting like teenagers and in the next couple of sentences, tell us you react like a teenager... I'm not sure what ground you're trying to stand on here.
Again, not jumping on you or defending the actions of others. I'm just pointing something out that doesn't hold up and I doubt you intended it as such.
Again, not jumping on you or defending the actions of others. I'm just pointing something out that doesn't hold up and I doubt you intended it as such.
Sorry, I didn't. And I don't mean to say that they act like teenagers all the time. It's just when they throw the hurtful barbs. And I didn't say I act like a teenager; I said that those kind of remarks remind me of incredibly hurtful times for me; times which quite honestly factor in largely to the depression and low self-esteem I have today.
Though I fully admit that my own reactions aren't exactly mature sometimes, either.
Though I fully admit that my own reactions aren't exactly mature sometimes, either.
Cajungal
Staff member
I really do wonder sometimes--bouncing off of some of what Nick's saying--how many people behave in real life how they behave here. What I mean is, when someone is visibly upset, needling and nagging them about getting thicker skin. Even when I know that my intentions weren't unkind, I can't help but back off when someone is really upset or offended. Are people afraid that this makes them weak? Nothing can really be gained by going any further. To me, the best thing to do is to say, "I didn't mean to upset you," and drop it. That way, if you don't like apologizing when you don't feel you're in the wrong, you're at least offering up some kind of message of goodwill.
I agree that sometimes people have overreacted and just needed to learn more about a person's humor. Sometimes it truly is a question of whether or not someone can take the tone of this place. However, there are better ways to communicate that than people have used. "Come on, toughen up!" Have you ever responded positively to this when you felt angry? Do you enjoy having people nag you about your personality flaws when you feel wronged? And the sheer volume of those "get thicker skin" posts is shocking sometimes. Do people really believe that the super-unique way that they're criticizing someone is going to make them do a complete 180? We all know how well that works. Chances are, if you stop doing whatever was rubbing that person the wrong way, they'll realize faster that they overreacted. Hell, they might even apologize to you. It isn't weak or coddling. It's decency, and people need to learn the difference.
There's a fine line, I guess. Sometimes something really does need to be said; sometimes everyone needs to shut up, go do something constructive with their time and cool off. It's a judgment call. There is a happy medium between being an annoying Care Bear-person and the type of person who says callous things and somehow feels qualified to judge a person they only know through an internet forum. We have no clue what people here really go through. What's more important 95% of the time-- Saying the annoying thing that we think is somehow important or giving a fellow human being a break?
Bah, anyway... I don't always feel this way. There have also been times when I also want to post Oh my GOD, why are you here?! Get over it, you giant baby.
I'll reiterate one thing: New people, I recommend that you ease yourself in by just starting to post in everyday threads as if you've always been here. It's a smoother transition.
Anyway... sorry for the wall of text.
I agree that sometimes people have overreacted and just needed to learn more about a person's humor. Sometimes it truly is a question of whether or not someone can take the tone of this place. However, there are better ways to communicate that than people have used. "Come on, toughen up!" Have you ever responded positively to this when you felt angry? Do you enjoy having people nag you about your personality flaws when you feel wronged? And the sheer volume of those "get thicker skin" posts is shocking sometimes. Do people really believe that the super-unique way that they're criticizing someone is going to make them do a complete 180? We all know how well that works. Chances are, if you stop doing whatever was rubbing that person the wrong way, they'll realize faster that they overreacted. Hell, they might even apologize to you. It isn't weak or coddling. It's decency, and people need to learn the difference.
There's a fine line, I guess. Sometimes something really does need to be said; sometimes everyone needs to shut up, go do something constructive with their time and cool off. It's a judgment call. There is a happy medium between being an annoying Care Bear-person and the type of person who says callous things and somehow feels qualified to judge a person they only know through an internet forum. We have no clue what people here really go through. What's more important 95% of the time-- Saying the annoying thing that we think is somehow important or giving a fellow human being a break?
Bah, anyway... I don't always feel this way. There have also been times when I also want to post Oh my GOD, why are you here?! Get over it, you giant baby.
I'll reiterate one thing: New people, I recommend that you ease yourself in by just starting to post in everyday threads as if you've always been here. It's a smoother transition.
Anyway... sorry for the wall of text.
S
SeraRelm
Ah, you said it was a trigger for you, which implied you reacted in a similar manner to how you used to, ergo like a teenager. It was just a poor choice of words, I guess. As for self esteem, I think only you should have a say in that.
Regardless, I agree that some people won't change, and while I think that's unfortunate sometimes, I would rather find the varying degrees of personalities here than not.
Regardless, I agree that some people won't change, and while I think that's unfortunate sometimes, I would rather find the varying degrees of personalities here than not.
Cajungal
Staff member
I like you too. ^_^ And if you need another pen pal, PM me!
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SeraRelm
Personal Message Sending is the best!
Cajungal
Staff member
We're actually fighting about steak as we speak.
I'd argue there are at least 4 other instances of that same conversation in PM as we speak.
Halforums' Quantum Steak Theory: Someone at any given point on the forums is WRONG about how they like their steak prepared.
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SeraRelm
Not a big fan of steak.
Seej, unto ye, via this aetheric medium called "The Internet," do I render a strike of my knuckles upon thine, and with a cry of "Respect!" do I supply this honor.
Cajungal
Staff member
G'ah. Man. I just... You're delightful.
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SeraRelm
It's okay Cajungal, some people just don't understand what they are missing.
Steak-jack?
Bad moderator!... not that I've done anything helpful here since I got my new job.
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SeraRelm
I do. I'm pretty much exactly who you would meet if you met me in person. I like it that way.
Less lies to maintain, for one.
--Patrick
That would imply that there are no Real Men on Halforums, because to a Real Man, ALL steak recipes are good.
M
makare
I am the same in person and on here, for better or worse. I am often amused by people who say stuff like "yeah and then people talk to me somewhere else and im nowhere near as big an asshole as they thought i was." Why not just stop being an asshole on hf? what is it about hf that makes that kind of thing ok? Ah well I don't know.
Also I had steak today that was so fantastically rare that cow deserves cow heaven.
Also I had steak today that was so fantastically rare that cow deserves cow heaven.
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