Rant VIII: The Reckoning

Dave

Staff member
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I know I sound like such a child saying it, but it isn't fair, and it isn't right. After living so much of her life in fear and pain, she had started to come out and be happy again. And now she's gone, and I'm alone. She didn't deserve to spend her final weeks in agony. I'd forgotten that it was possible to cry so hard.

I might be scarce for a while.
I totally missed this until stienman pointed it out to me. And I'm going to reiterate what he sent you in a message:

If there's ANYTHING we can do to help out, please let us know. I know you like to keep your forum life separated from your "real" one, but even those of us who disagree with your political philosophies still like you as a person. Don't feel you have to do this alone. You have my name and my phone number is in the book.
 
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My best friend's wife died yesterday. I was at the house, in a different room, when my friend told his 14 year old daughter that her mother was dead. It is so damn rough because she is pretty immature for her age. She acts more like an 11 year old. I damn near broke down when she asked, "So Mom wont be here to bake me cookies this Christmas?"

The wife was three weeks shy of spending an entire year in hospitals and nursing homes. This summer when she was moved out of the Texas Medical Center her patient history was over 400 pages long. As sad as I am to see her die so young, there seems to be a bit of a burden lifted from my friend's shoulders, and the cliched at least she is no longer suffering.
 

GasBandit

Staff member
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Thanks, everyone, for your kind wishes and sympathy. I realize my post probably came across as ominous and cryptic, and I've posted a blog entry here to sort of elaborate on what's happened. To put it lightly, it's not a happy read, naturally. But it's part of the process I'm going through right now, I think.

You'll be hearing from me again. I can't say as to when, right now, but I know what she would and would not want me to do, going forward.

Thank you again. I'll see you guys later.. after I work some things out.
 
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Jesus Christ Gas, that's... I can't even imagine what you're going through. Please take care of yourself in the next few months, and know that we are here to be ranted and raved to.
 
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Thanks, everyone, for your kind wishes and sympathy. I realize my post probably came across as ominous and cryptic, and I've posted a blog entry here to sort of elaborate on what's happened. To put it lightly, it's not a happy read, naturally. But it's part of the process I'm going through right now, I think.

You'll be hearing from me again. I can't say as to when, right now, but I know what she would and would not want me to do, going forward.

Thank you again. I'll see you guys later.. after I work some things out.
I hope, that coming from me, this will mean as much as I mean it to.

Reading that blog inspires me to be a better husband and partner to my wife. I thought I was doing well but man, you really knew how to make that woman feel cherished. I can only hope to do the same with whatever amount of time I have. Thank you for that.
 

Cajungal

Staff member
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@GasBandit, I am so sorry. I cannot imagine what you're going through. She was lucky to have your love and support

Sent from my ASUS Transformer Pad TF700T using Tapatalk
 
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Thanks, everyone, for your kind wishes and sympathy. I realize my post probably came across as ominous and cryptic, and I've posted a blog entry here to sort of elaborate on what's happened. To put it lightly, it's not a happy read, naturally. But it's part of the process I'm going through right now, I think.

You'll be hearing from me again. I can't say as to when, right now, but I know what she would and would not want me to do, going forward.

Thank you again. I'll see you guys later.. after I work some things out.

I really wish I knew what to say. Sorry seems so little and meaningless in the face of all of that. Maybe there simply is nothing to say. All I can do is echo what everyone else has. If you need anything, etc etc.
 
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Just like North Ranger, she was taken far too early in her life. And you're right, it's not fair. But you know what? She had you. You proved to her that someone in her life could be relied upon not only not to hurt her, but support her, and most importantly, love her.

She was given a horrible life before you came along. Obviously, you couldn't fix all her problems. I don't know if anyone realistically could. But you made her life better just by being a part of it. Even though it was shortened beyond what she deserved, she still had you. I'm certain she's thankful for that.

I honestly don't even know if that's the right thing to say. I don't know if there IS a "right thing" to say. Just know that we're here for you if you need anything.
 
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Thanks, everyone, for your kind wishes and sympathy. I realize my post probably came across as ominous and cryptic, and I've posted a blog entry here to sort of elaborate on what's happened. To put it lightly, it's not a happy read, naturally. But it's part of the process I'm going through right now, I think.

You'll be hearing from me again. I can't say as to when, right now, but I know what she would and would not want me to do, going forward.

Thank you again. I'll see you guys later.. after I work some things out.
I really have NO idea what to say, except that we're all here if you need us.
 
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My fucking cousin took my 60 year old mother to black Friday in an attempt to snag multiple cheap iPods. My mom, being the ridiculously kind hearted person she is, couldn't say no to family and had no idea it was going to be a fucking gong show and she was shoved by some fucking prick onto the ice where she fell and got hurt. Not seriously (and she didn't even tell me until today), thank Christ.

I want to drive down to Calgary to firstly, beat up my cousin, then, secondly, somehow track down the fucking animal that would shove a 5'2" chubby old woman down so he can get, and I shit you not, 50 dollars off an iPad.

Fuck you retailers and fuck you Black Friday and fuck you consumers.
 
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I am... totally baffled.

I had an entirely fruitless conversation with an employee who was behaving out of line. She made bizarre accusations while telling me to stop assuming I knew her mind. It was like talking to a wall. Her ability to not see, and even change reality, was baffling. One moment things were 'my interpretation' and the next, they had happened, but there was mitigating context that I was ignoring.

And she was incredibly rude, only to tell me to stop being rude. And the major topic of conversation was about her ... being rude to me earlier.

Hello? What the fuck?
 
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Sometimes things just have to suck. I've been coughing for a couple of months, went in last month and got diagnosed with a sinus infection and bronchitis. Got prescribed antibiotics and went my on my way. Three weeks later, cough is still here. Go into the doctor again today and they take a chest xray and prescribe a higher antibiotic. X-ray shows enlarged lymph nodes around my lungs. So I get to go over and get a cat scan. Cat scan confirms the enlarged lymph nodes and they think that I may have sarcoidosis.

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/sarcoidosis/DS00251

My next steps - get to see a pulmonologist and other -gists to confirm if I do have it or not. *sigh* Though at least it wasn't cancer (lymphoma) and it's not contagious.

Add to this my wife being a type-2 diabetic and starting to get diabetic neuropathy in her feet, my 5 year old son most likely having ADD, and my own depression (dysthemia) just makes you wonder what else life wants to throw at you...
 
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Fire her? Is that an option?
This. Ether slap her with a warning, make her someone else's problem, or get rid of her.
I don't have the authority but the folks who do agree with my assessment of the situation. We'll see what happens. I'm not going to do anything until Monday; maybe, although I doubt it, she will find her way to admit some fault or apologise for her impudence.
 
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My wife's sister is once again living with her parents. It's the fourth time I think. I don't know how to speak to her. Her husband is abusive, cheap, a cheater, I even believe he beats her. But she keeps coming back to him. She doesn't listen to her parents or her sisters or her friends, now these people are taking care of her and her two daughters. Tonight her husband went to their house drunk and started insulting everyone. She didn't allow to call the police, my father in law passed out and my wife is crying . I'm trying to explain her that there is nothing we can do. It's her life and her parents' life What to do with a mistreated woman who keeps thinking there is a chance to go back to that man?
 

Cajungal

Staff member
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That's rough, @Cog, and so frustrating. It's true--you cannot help someone in that situation unless they want it. Had a friend like that. No matter how people around her tried to help, it was just one terrible decision after another.

Sent from my ASUS Transformer Pad TF700T using Tapatalk
 
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. Tonight her husband went to their house drunk and started insulting everyone. She didn't allow to call the police
I'd happily (well, no, but you get my point) open my doors to a friend/relative in need of a place to stay because of an abusive (ex-)partner - I've doen so in the past. Of they want to keep beleiving and going back - well, I'll refer them to a psychologist,but it's up to them. If the other person comes up to my place to insult, attack, threaten, or whatever, anyone, I'm calling the cops. She's a guest - she has no right to say "you can't call the cops on this person" if they're breaking the law towards me or my partner.
 
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1. I know this is incredibly snobbish, but when I go to a frickin' expensive lvie ballet, I expect a live orcehstra. Yes, the dancing was very good. having a stereo CD quality sound playing instead of an actual orchestra is NOT an acceptable alternative. It completely killed the experience. Also, if you're charging €110 per seat, askign €0.40 to use the bathroom is just infuriating madness. It's not the money I care about - if i'm willing to pay €110 I'm also willing to pay €110.40 - but it's ridiculously offensive. Come on folks. Don't do it. Cloakroom €1, bathroom €0.40, a glass of wine €4 (What the hell)? Last time I went to this venue, I'm sorry. There are other places I can go to see an opera or a ballet of the same quality.

2. GMail'sn ew attachment system sucks. They claim you can do almost everything you need to, and a lot of their answers to complaints are "[x] should be enough for most users", "[x] is not a supported option and while it was possible in previous versions, it wasn ot intended", "[x] is no longer supported but you have the alternative option of doing [y]", "[x] can be done through [7 steps], which is no more difficult than before [3 steps]. Dear jackasses, this Microsoft/Facebook-style forcing-updates-down-my-throat is NOT good business. It certainly isn't "consumer first" as your own policy has always been. It's also not very userfriendly or sympathetic to say "this is good enough for most so it should be good enough for you". I now have to click 9 times for something I used to be able to do with 2. I have to do this about 20 times a day. That's 140 unnecessary extra clicks you gave me every day. I hope you get pecked to death by parakeets. Most people are not seriously disturbed by a parakeet nip; I'm sure you'll haev no problem with twenty five thousand of them.
 
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I'd happily (well, no, but you get my point) open my doors to a friend/relative in need of a place to stay because of an abusive (ex-)partner - I've doen so in the past. Of they want to keep beleiving and going back - well, I'll refer them to a psychologist,but it's up to them. If the other person comes up to my place to insult, attack, threaten, or whatever, anyone, I'm calling the cops. She's a guest - she has no right to say "you can't call the cops on this person" if they're breaking the law towards me or my partner.
Me too, but as I said, it's up the her parents. Maybe they consider that that was her home too or didn't want to wake up the girls. I don't know. I don't feel any sympathy for her now. My only concern now is my wife's father and her nieces. My capacity for empathy last until the first sign of stupidity.
 
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My capacity for empathy last until the first sign of stupidity.
It's easy to say this, but if you haven't been through an abusive relationship, it can be hard to realise that they are not stupid, and they do need empathy. I am not here to say that she is not responsible for allowing that kind of verbal abuse into the household of her parents, but rather that her emotional needs, which are strongly linked to her husband right now, aren't 'stupid' -but they are confused, and unhealthy.

And a parent, even of an adult, doesn't want to upset their child more. "Don't call the police, please don't call the police!" is such a desperate plea, "He's sweet to me, he understands me..." Poor girl, but how do you as a mother or father summon up the strength to say, "No, I have to, for your own good." Sometimes you just can't. And if she'll defend him against the police anyway, it might just be a waste of time.

A way of understanding her feelings might be if you consider it this way:

Let's say -100 is total abject misery and suffering, 0 is neutral, and 100 is pure joy

Some couple might spend a lot of their lives around 25, and then he does something nice: an expensive dinner or gift out of the blue- and she's at 40 for a little while. Her happiness lifts him up too, and this kind of building produces a more or less happy relationship. Of course it dips when he goes out to have a pint when he promised to come home early, but it goes up after the apology and a day of forgiveness.

But another woman might be at -35: she's unhappy with and at herself, and on top of that, is told or shown her unimportance. Then she gets verbally, maybe physically abused. -50. -60. She goes to her family: 'Get away from him, you deserve better, you're a good person...' Whatever gets through bumps it to, what, -55? -50? Then he sobers up. He comes home. He's crying. He loves her. He can't believe what he's done, "look, I saw this bracelet and I knew I had to give it to you." And -50 is now -10, maybe 0, maybe 5!

She's constantly 'objectively' worse off, she never hits near the first couple, who aren't especially high, but look: the girl in the first goes from 25 to 40: 15 'emotional points'; but the abused/dependent girl goes from -50 to 0: she gains 50 points. She only got 5, 10, from her family, because she hasn't got any way of believing them (it would require her to see herself as a valuable person deserving of hearing those things). The differential from him feels better (like how $5 is a lot if have $0 and nothing if you have $1 000 000) so she goes back, she gives back, she loves and is loved -or, believes she loves and is loved. That emotional feeling combined with that belief is so powerful she can't leave. Even if she did she would probably seek out the kind of person who gave her that kind of 'high'; not knowing that a consistent level of contentment is actually a lot 'better'.
 
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I absolutely agree and concur with everything you said, Chad. As long as it's an abusive relationship towards the person itself (yes, more often than not the woman), the only way to help her is to try and improve her self-esteem and sense of self-worth, until she realizes she can do better.
HOWEVER, if or when the abuser targets anyone else, be it parents or parents-in-law (such as in this case) or (step)children (as is too often the case), I do believe those others should step in. I have in the past, and I would do so again.
If my sister comes knocking at the door and says she's being beaten by her husband, I'll take her in. If she doesn't want to go to the cops over it, so be it (though I might accidentally leave a flyer for women support groups and such around). If the husband threatens/attacks/abuses me, I'll report him to the police - for that. Because I don't have to let him treat me like that just because she can't or won't or doesn't want to do anything about it. And I assure you, if she told me he was beating/abusing/mistreating my niece or nephew, I'd report him too. If I can manage to hold off on exploding long enough to stay reasonable.

(in actual fact, my sister's estranged and I haven't seen her for 7 years - I've never seen my nephews, and my brother-in-law seems more likely to be abused by my sister; but it'd sound weird to say I'd defend my sister-in-law against my brother...Though, if it came to that, I would).
 
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If the husband threatens/attacks/abuses me, I'll report him to the police - for that. Because I don't have to let him treat me like that just because she can't or won't or doesn't want to do anything about it. And I assure you, if she told me he was beating/abusing/mistreating my niece or nephew, I'd report him too. If I can manage to hold off on exploding long enough to stay reasonable.
Oh, I'm not trying to comment that this shouldn't or wouldn't happen, but rather I understand why it often doesn't happen. A family member pleading not to get their husband in trouble... One may find oneself emotionally torn and unwilling to defy her wishes - even it isn't her being threatened at this point.
 
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1. I know this is incredibly snobbish, but when I go to a frickin' expensive lvie ballet, I expect a live orcehstra. Yes, the dancing was very good. having a stereo CD quality sound playing instead of an actual orchestra is NOT an acceptable alternative. It completely killed the experience. Also, if you're charging €110 per seat, askign €0.40 to use the bathroom is just infuriating madness. It's not the money I care about - if i'm willing to pay €110 I'm also willing to pay €110.40 - but it's ridiculously offensive. Come on folks. Don't do it. Cloakroom €1, bathroom €0.40, a glass of wine €4 (What the hell)? Last time I went to this venue, I'm sorry. There are other places I can go to see an opera or a ballet of the same quality.
One would think that at €110 a seat, that the patrons would not piss on the floor.
 
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It's easy to say this, but if you haven't been through an abusive relationship, it can be hard to realise that they are not stupid, and they do need empathy. I am not here to say that she is not responsible for allowing that kind of verbal abuse into the household of her parents, but rather that her emotional needs, which are strongly linked to her husband right now, aren't 'stupid' -but they are confused, and unhealthy.
I can't see it in another way. Even if you can ignore your own suffering, you can't ignore the suffering of your children. Maybe she doesn't cry but she can see her children cry. It's not like she don't have anywhere to go. In fact the husband doesn't do anything for them as a family. The only difference would be the paper saying the are not married anymore.
 
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Even if you can ignore your own suffering, you can't ignore the suffering of your children.
You would be surprised, sadly.

I'm not saying you're wrong, by the way - to want her to leave, to be away; for the children to be safe, for your wife to be consoled and your in-laws comforted. You are right, and I know I would want those things as well! I am just adding that you don't know how it is for her, and to call it stupidity is to miss some major points.
 
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We really need to get 2013 over with.
After North_Ranger, GasBandit's wife and such, just this week I've had a colleague's wife get a blood clot (she's still in IC and will probably make it, but nobody knows in what condition - it was in the back of her head so....), my boss's mother died, another colleague lost his brother.
Yes, strictly speaking, these are all things that "only" concern me sideways (and some more than others), but still I've had more death and near-death surrounding me than I really know what to do with.
Let's try and start 2014 with the Epic Win thread gaining 25 pages, 'kay?
 
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I can't see it in another way. Even if you can ignore your own suffering, you can't ignore the suffering of your children.
I've seen a situation where whenever one of the children called a social worker, and the mother would lie. Same if it was police. Each time, she would lie to protect the abusive husband/father and eventually authorities took it as the child was crying wolf.
 
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