Rant VIII: The Reckoning

I don't like doing that. I feel bad enough contacting people I know in person just to have someone to talk to about my problems. Part guilt for gushing on them and part guilt for bothering them when they could be doing other (better) things.

So take that feeling and make it ten-fold for someone I've never met.
 
I don't like doing that. I feel bad enough contacting people I know in person just to have someone to talk to about my problems. Part guilt for gushing on them and part guilt for bothering them when they could be doing other (better) things.

So take that feeling and make it ten-fold for someone I've never met.
Please do keep in mind that the people here know you fairly well. We tend to open up here about more personal feelings than I'd tell to a large percentage of my friends.

So reach out to those that are offering, and hopefully just going over what you are dealing with will help. It will at least be easier to tell to the next person that needs to understand what's happening.
 
I don't like doing that. I feel bad enough contacting people I know in person just to have someone to talk to about my problems. Part guilt for gushing on them and part guilt for bothering them when they could be doing other (better) things.

So take that feeling and make it ten-fold for someone I've never met.
Sometimes, Nick, it's better to tell somebody that doesn't know you face-to-face since they aren't bringing anything of a pre-conception into the equation. Most any of us would be more than willing to just listen to you get some of this off your chest. I know that *I* have had an easier time talking some things through with someone that I don't have a "relationship" with, versus somebody that is one of my piers.
 
I don't like doing that. I feel bad enough contacting people I know in person just to have someone to talk to about my problems. Part guilt for gushing on them and part guilt for bothering them when they could be doing other (better) things.

So take that feeling and make it ten-fold for someone I've never met.
And you know that the feeling of guilt is irrational, and that people that know and care for you actively want to help.

I realize that knowing something is irrational doesn't stop you from feeling it. That's the very definition of irrational, but it can be good to remind yourself of that.
 
I don't like doing that. I feel bad enough contacting people I know in person just to have someone to talk to about my problems. Part guilt for gushing on them and part guilt for bothering them when they could be doing other (better) things.

So take that feeling and make it ten-fold for someone I've never met.

Just so you know I never have anything more important going on in my life then taking some time out to talk with a friend in need. So if you ever do decide you want to talk just let me know.
 
And you know that the feeling of guilt is irrational, and that people that know and care for you actively want to help.

I realize that knowing something is irrational doesn't stop you from feeling it. That's the very definition of irrational, but it can be good to remind yourself of that.
This.

You can't stop feeling it, but you can call it a bitch and curbstomp it, then tell your friends how you went medieval on guilt's ass.
 
I'm so pissed off right now it's difficult to contain it. Normally I let quite a bit slide when it comes to my friends, but the level of thoughtlessness has left me quite angry.

A couple weeks ago I get a message on FB we're having a party in Milwaukee at 7:00 for a group of our friends to celebrate mine and three other friends' birthdays which all happen to occur in the middle of November. Keep in mine I was never talked to about this and the plans for this event were never run past me. They never asked me if the $30 a plate was too steep for my wife and I, or if the time was acceptable or if we had other plans we might have to rearrange. As luck would have it, my wife works until 6:00, which would give us plenty of time to drive into the city from where she works and make it by the 7:00 time we were getting together. So I let it slide and said I and my wife would be delighted to attend.

Today I get home and notice there is a message on FB the time of the event was changed to 6:00. It was just done, no contact with me to see if this would be a problem. Nevermind I'm put down as a fucking host of the event.

I figured, fuck it, they can't bother to give me a call or message before making changes to our plans, they obviously don't give a shit if I'm there.
 
I wish I could do that, but it's just not in me. I mentioned under the 'event has been changed' message "Well, now that's going to be a problem for me." and simply changed 'attending' to 'not attending'. Honestly, you'd think the girlfriend of my best friend for the last 20 years would at least talk to me about something like that.
 
Not really Krisken, she's only been around a few years at most (I'd guess) and doesn't have the bond/investment/shared experience that you and your buddy have. I think that you've done just fine with the status, but you might mention that you weren't asked about this in the first place if you are asked why you're not coming.
 
She's been a part of the group for quite a while now. They had dated years ago, broke up, and now are back together again. Honestly, she knows our group dynamic by now, she's just a nitwit.

If she was some newcomer and didn't understand how our group worked, it would be one thing. She's been part of the group off and on for 10 years now. I have a hard time giving her leeway on this one.

I keep editing! Guargh! Sparhawk, hope I didn't come off as confrontational with my response. It's not my intention. My group of friends is a pretty tight knit bunch.
 
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You didn't, I made a guess, you cleared it up, all's cool. I understand the dynamic, just that our "gang" has been around for about twice as long. Damn, that makes me sound like I'm ancient. We can get together after being busy with out lives for months and take up a conversation like we were just talking about it yesterday.
 
@ThatNickGuy : the disagree is, of course, because I disagree that you should feel worse for talking to people you don't know than to people you do know. Also, because you think people here don't know you.

Outside of direct family - how many people you know in real life know about your troubles, and how deep they go? Yet everyone here who's interested in you does.

Anyway, I'm in a bit of a wrong time zone for you, but as i've stated before - if you need someone to talk to at a time you can't call anyone over there because it's 3 am or something, look up the time in Belgium - I'm always available for midnight trouble.

As for getting out of the funk... You know there's no easy 1-2-3 answers to solve everything - no matter what direction you take, you'll have to work and try. But the important bit is to keep trying, even when it seems like you're failing. And if you don't know why you should bother to keep trying or starting over - and if you wonder "why do I bother?" - well, apparently the answer to that one's 42, somehow. Finding something to live/strive for is hard, but do it anyway.
 
Believe me, I know it's irrational to think or feel the way I do. That's pretty much how mental health - or a lack thereof - works: it's not rational. But it ties in with my complete lack of self-worth. I feel like a burden on anyone that I come into contact with. I feel like I have nothing to share or give to them, so I'm just being a burden, a bother, a waste of their time. And I know how irrational that sounds, but that's just how little self-worth I have in myself.

Take, for example, my novel. Even though it was one of - if not my biggest - dreams or goals in life, I don't feel satisfied about it. It's not widely available because it's a small, print-on-demand publisher, so I feel like I'm letting someone down if they ask about buying it in their local bookstore and have to tell them it's only online. Or that Dill looks more like a pig than an armadillo on the cover because I didn't have the balls to speak up to the artist when I should have. Or that it feels like I can't get any kind of publicity for it, so it feels like only friends and family have bought it. Or that I can't seem to do anything right when it comes to writing a sequel - or anything else, for that matter.

All of it ties in with the fact that I have no self-worth in myself.
 
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Sent this at 8:30 this morning, was seen at 12:30. It's now 4:30 and I didn't get a response. I guess I wasn't far off the mark.

Ok, here it is. I'm sure Rodizio Grill is fantastic and would be a great time, but $30 a plate is a little steep for Erin and I, especially since we're paying for my last semester out of pocket. I figured we could scrape the money up if we skimped for a few weeks, but then you changed the time without even asking if it would affect us. The whole thing was done without any discussion with us, so I figure it doesn't really matter if we are there or not. I hope you guys and gals have a good time and maybe we'll be able to get together some other time.
 
ARGH FRICKING GOD ***********

So, as those who read the tech forum know, I've recently built a new pc. I'm now in the process of getting rid of the old computer. Everything on there that's important has been transferred to an external HD, practically all data has been wiped off the computer itself. Now, jsut to erase the disc. So, let's get KillDrive and pass the whole HD through it. Ok, sure, delete everything. Destroy it all!
...Then realize the external HD with all your data on it - the only copy of most of it, since it's just temporary transfer to the new pc -is still connected to the pc where you've just started "deleting everything". Ah-heh. Hmm. Oh, that's not good.
I stopped it after 25 seconds, but no matter - the whole external HDD with all of my data on it is unreadable to any pc I've tried. They all just ask for it to be reformatted. I know not all data's gone - it's obviously still on there, but the important bit detailing where all the rest is is gone. Oh my.
For the record, I was doing a single-pass all-ones on the HD...And Win 8 claims the device works perfectly, except for being completely empty and needing to be formatted -_-

@PatrThom @stienman help?
 

GasBandit

Staff member
ARGH FRICKING GOD ***********

So, as those who read the tech forum know, I've recently built a new pc. I'm now in the process of getting rid of the old computer. Everything on there that's important has been transferred to an external HD, practically all data has been wiped off the computer itself. Now, jsut to erase the disc. So, let's get KillDrive and pass the whole HD through it. Ok, sure, delete everything. Destroy it all!
...Then realize the external HD with all your data on it - the only copy of most of it, since it's just temporary transfer to the new pc -is still connected to the pc where you've just started "deleting everything". Ah-heh. Hmm. Oh, that's not good.
I stopped it after 25 seconds, but no matter - the whole external HDD with all of my data on it is unreadable to any pc I've tried. They all just ask for it to be reformatted. I know not all data's gone - it's obviously still on there, but the important bit detailing where all the rest is is gone. Oh my.
For the record, I was doing a single-pass all-ones on the HD...And Win 8 claims the device works perfectly, except for being completely empty and needing to be formatted -_-

@PatrThom @stienman help?
 
@Bubble181

You might search around for "unformat" utilities. Even if the directory is gone, it is unlikely the killzall program would be able to write 1's to the entire disk in the time you mention (especially over USB). And then even if you can't unformat the drive, you might still be able to scavenge useful data from it with some sort of scanning utility.

Also, never do this again.

--Patrick
 
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For those who care for follow-up: unformat programs didn't work (recuva e.a.), apparently the boot sector's all gone. However, I'm now using TestDisk to recover the RAW data, which seems to be working so far...It's found all folders, though I'm not sure whether all files are still in there. Trying to copy all of it, but given that it's 500 GB through a USB 2.0 port, it'll take some time anyway. We'll see...But maybe I'll be able to recover most of it.


Recovered 67GB so far, and I can see the disc structure in Windows again. A couple of folders (notably "all pictures" and "all movies/series/etc") are still illegible, though it does correctly state the amount of used space. Onwards and upwards and all of that.

*edit* After repairing the boot sector with TestDisk, I managed to recover all but 2GB worth of data with Recuva. Those 2 GB...Eh, some pictures, some powerpoints, a movie - nothing I'll be missing, really.
 
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Once again my wife and I got into a fight this morning. We woke up. I was in a good mood. I took the dog outside (the one my wife decided to get without consulting me, but that's another story) a few times in the hopes of teaching him not to crap in the house. I come in. My wife asks me what I want for breakfast. I say "some cereal sounds good, and a kiss". She gives me a half-ass kiss, but I don't make a big deal of it. I sit down with my cereal, and start to update Tiny Death Star, when my wife tells me "I really hate it when you do nothing but play that game." Suddenly I'm in a bad mood and we get into a fight. I've never especially liked criticism, but I especially hate it when that's all I ever seem to get from my wife. And it's always about my lifestyle. It's always about me being myself. I don't honestly feel I abuse my "me time". I'll update my Tiny Death Star at, what I feel, are appropriate times such as in between chores at home, or when I'm in the passenger seat of the car. And I try to update it quickly so I can just put my phone away because I already know that my wife is keeping mental track of every minute I'm on the thing. I also know that I don't use my phone when she and I are spending specific time together. Such as when we are eating together, or watching TV/movie, or playing a board game, or any other activity. Course this doesn't stop her from reminding me not to do it beforehand, but the fact that I wasn't intending to never seems to cross her mind.
Course now she's saying I woke up in a bad mood and it's all my fault. Woke up in a bad mood? I was perfectly fine up until the unnecessary criticism. In fact I was overjoyed that the kids didn't wake up earlier than 7:30 this morning for once.
I've sat down and played a console game once in the past three weeks (Burial at Sea DLC). I've been helping consistently with chores because the house is a shit sty due to 4 kids, a dog, and my wife too occupied with her home business to really help much.
The misery that I'm feeling that I'm not allowed to do the things that I once enjoyed like gaming is really catching up to me. It's getting easier and easier to make me grumpy. I'm starting to get more and more frustrated with the kids, and frankly I'm starting to hate myself for it. The only time I ever get any kind of freedom from this shit is when I go to work.
Argh.....
 
Once again my wife and I got into a fight this morning. We woke up. I was in a good mood. I took the dog outside (the one my wife decided to get without consulting me, but that's another story) a few times in the hopes of teaching him not to crap in the house. I come in. My wife asks me what I want for breakfast. I say "some cereal sounds good, and a kiss". She gives me a half-ass kiss, but I don't make a big deal of it. I sit down with my cereal, and start to update Tiny Death Star, when my wife tells me "I really hate it when you do nothing but play that game." Suddenly I'm in a bad mood and we get into a fight. I've never especially liked criticism, but I especially hate it when that's all I ever seem to get from my wife. And it's always about my lifestyle. It's always about me being myself. I don't honestly feel I abuse my "me time". I'll update my Tiny Death Star at, what I feel, are appropriate times such as in between chores at home, or when I'm in the passenger seat of the car. And I try to update it quickly so I can just put my phone away because I already know that my wife is keeping mental track of every minute I'm on the thing. I also know that I don't use my phone when she and I are spending specific time together. Such as when we are eating together, or watching TV/movie, or playing a board game, or any other activity. Course this doesn't stop her from reminding me not to do it beforehand, but the fact that I wasn't intending to never seems to cross her mind.
Course now she's saying I woke up in a bad mood and it's all my fault. Woke up in a bad mood? I was perfectly fine up until the unnecessary criticism. In fact I was overjoyed that the kids didn't wake up earlier than 7:30 this morning for once.
I've sat down and played a console game once in the past three weeks (Burial at Sea DLC). I've been helping consistently with chores because the house is a shit sty due to 4 kids, a dog, and my wife too occupied with her home business to really help much.
The misery that I'm feeling that I'm not allowed to do the things that I once enjoyed like gaming is really catching up to me. It's getting easier and easier to make me grumpy. I'm starting to get more and more frustrated with the kids, and frankly I'm starting to hate myself for it. The only time I ever get any kind of freedom from this shit is when I go to work.
Argh.....
There's an underlying issue here that's causing her to resent you any time you do anything that doesn't involve her, and it seems to be focused at you playing games. This isn't normal, or healthy. Have you considered seeing if it would be possible to see a counselor to try to find out what that issue is? It sounds as if she has control and/or trust issues, or at least some form of insecurity. If a solution isn't found, the two of you are going to continue to clash, and it's just going to build.

Regardless, keep feeling free to vent here all you like. Having a sounding board to voice your frustrations can help a lot.
 
@Shawnacy - I realize I've already addressed this in a previous post to you and unfortunately I am seeing the continuation of the thing I was hoping wouldn't happen (her side of it). At this point I can only predict one of three outcomes and sadly only one of those outcomes is positive.

Best of luck man, it's a hard road.
 
I believe I've developed an anxiety problem. Or, I'm now unable to manage anxious tendencies that have always been there. I'm starting to get physical problems to go along with my internal worries and fears.

I don't know how to fix this. It's making me miserable.
 
I believe I've developed an anxiety problem. Or, I'm now unable to manage anxious tendencies that have always been there. I'm starting to get physical problems to go along with my internal worries and fears.

I don't know how to fix this. It's making me miserable.
If you are physically getting ill because of your anxiety problems, it's time to see someone about it.
 
If you are physically getting ill because of your anxiety problems, it's time to see someone about it.
I know. But I have no insurance until January 1st. All I have right now is my primary care doctor (paying out-of-pocket) who suggested my symptoms were the result of anxiety, and we both agreed I can't afford any kind of treatment or therapy for that until insurance kicks in. So I have a month and a half of trying to just deal with it.
 
I know. But I have no insurance until January 1st. All I have right now is my primary care doctor (paying out-of-pocket) who suggested my symptoms were the result of anxiety, and we both agreed I can't afford any kind of treatment or therapy for that until insurance kicks in. So I have a month and a half of trying to just deal with it.
Do you have any access to an Employee Assistance Hotline toll-free number? Perhaps that could be helpful?
 
I believe I've developed an anxiety problem. Or, I'm now unable to manage anxious tendencies that have always been there. I'm starting to get physical problems to go along with my internal worries and fears.

I don't know how to fix this. It's making me miserable.
This is entirely anecdotal, but I find in lieu of therapy or medications (both of which I have now, but this wasn't always the case), replacing patterns was of some success in reducing anxiety. Of course, I don't know the nature or symptoms you're experiencing, but let's say you've taken to nervously and obviously (i.e.: people, even total strangers notice) jiggling your legs when you're more than 2 minutes late for something. Completely minor in an objective sense but for someone with anxiety, it can feel like forever and there's this inexplicable, unjustifiable sense of shame or guilt.

This is a not so distant example from a previous habit of mine. To replace the pattern, when confronted with the trigger (lateness), I would consciously decide to stand up (so, no jerking my legs), and I would have a book on hand, either in my bag or a small book that I could keep in my pocket. For me, philosophy worked well because it engages my mind. I would read while walking, and when I had to look ahead to, you know, not die, I would reflect on the ideas I'd read, how I felt, whether or not I agreed, etc. Eventually the book and the standing were unnecessary. When I was running behind, I'd be meditating on some ideas, and my anxiety would drift to the back.

YMMV, obviously, given circumstance. A book I'd recommend is Marcus Aurelius' Meditations, particularly the linked version because it's small enough to fit in your back pocket. The writing is broken up into short little thoughts, so you can easily pick it up/put it down, and there is much to be gained by reflecting on any given one of them, so rereading it does not grow tiresome. Besides that, the thoughts themselves may give you some small reprieve from your anxiety - I like to think they help me out.

Should all this not be helpful, then, please, disregard it, for it is no good to be of no help! Take care, and you have a very sympathetic ally in me. Empathetic? I can never remember the right one. Ah, you know what I mean.
 
I'm starting to get physical problems to go along with my internal worries and fears.
I know ways to combat some of the physical problems (they're OTC meds, mostly). I'm afraid I'm of no help combatting the mental ones.
It goes without saying that OTC meds are a Band-Aid, not a cure. They're supposed to help you hang on until you can get real help.

--Patrick
 
Fire her. I know it sounds harsh, but if the employee is refusing to correct something that they are doing wrong, then they are refusing to do their job correctly. Find somebody that can do the job correctly.
 
Fire her. I know it sounds harsh, but if the employee is refusing to correct something that they are doing wrong, then they are refusing to do their job correctly. Find somebody that can do the job correctly.
Can't. I would have, so, so long ago if I could have. She's the protege of my superior, however, and against all reason is defended by him.
 
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