Rant VIII: The Reckoning

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The camping equipment should last a long time, so I wouldn't write it as a loss yet. You most likely will get another chance to use it, if not this summer than next.
I love being outdoors, but I am a magnet for bug bites, so I don't blame you turning around. Is there an online group that meets for hiking? That sounds like it could be fun. And hopefully someone will have some bug repellent next time!
You should come to Nova Scotia, the bugs are nice this year. Ticks are not as bad either. And we finally have great weather! But sadly our bananas are not yet in season.
 
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Frederick MD is having a Pride Event today. I decided to go, cause everyone in the house is working, I'm bored, and I haven't went to a Pride thing in proably 20 years.

I show up and realize that I'm the oldest, most non-flamboyant, boring-est person in a one mile radius.
 
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Too depressed to go to work two days in a row. Debating about going tomorrow (probably won't).

Stopped taking my medication because what's the point? It's not working.

Yes, I've tried counselling many times for decades. It hasn't helped.

I've just given up. What's the point?
 
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Stopped taking my medication because what's the point? It's not working.
You know what happens when you stop taking antidepressants. You enter a downward spiral where your symptoms come back even stronger. You know the answer to all of the questions you ask, so all I can really do is remind you of what you know, and remind you of how the illness lies to you. Get back on your meds.
 
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An amazing cheese.
A lovely smile.
A movie you hadn't seen yet.
Inspiring words.
Fireflies.
A new, interesting song.
Brunch (always awesome).
The smell of a fresh rain.
A new, interesting game with an idea you'd never seen before.
Fresh bread.

When I'm feeling awful, I try to think of things I would miss, or would miss out on, just because right now I feel absolutely worthless. But I've made it here, and I'll continue to make it because there are always at least 10 things I can think of that I want more than the idea of nothing.

I hope you can too.
 
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Stopped taking my medication because what's the point? It's not working.
I'm sure someone has said this before, but like Poe says, you're never supposed to stop taking them.
EVER.
...until and unless the person who prescribed them for you says so.
YOU are not a medical professional, YOU do not know the dosage/etc. Therefore YOU should not just stop taking them on a whim.

--Patrick
 
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Great. And now I can't sleep, either. Despite several ideas readily available to me, I'm too afraid of dying or, worse, screwing it up that leaves me in a physical state that makes me wish I was dead but physically incapable of doing anything about it. I've fucked up everything else in my life, so of course I'd fuck up a proper suicide attempt.

When I was hospitalized in 2000, I remember a much older man. Whoever cane to visit him looked less supportive and more "Not this shit again." And now I've become that old man. Wasted my entire life doing nothing or failing at everything to limit that the things that made me happy only leave me bitter and depressed. Wrestling? Failed. Writing? Failed. Yoga? Failed. Comics and video games? Waste of my life and money. Friendships and relationships? Just pushed everyone away or they gave up on me because they didn't know if they wanted to hug me or hit me. Pity or anger. That's my legacy, apparently. I really have become that old man people are sick of seeing. And yet I can't just finish myself off.
 
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Great. And now I can't sleep, either. Despite several ideas readily available to me, I'm too afraid of dying or, worse, screwing it up that leaves me in a physical state that makes me wish I was dead but physically incapable of doing anything about it. I've fucked up everything else in my life, so of course I'd fuck up a proper suicide attempt.

When I was hospitalized in 2000, I remember a much older man. Whoever cane to visit him looked less supportive and more "Not this shit again." And now I've become that old man. Wasted my entire life doing nothing or failing at everything to limit that the things that made me happy only leave me bitter and depressed. Wrestling? Failed. Writing? Failed. Yoga? Failed. Comics and video games? Waste of my life and money. Friendships and relationships? Just pushed everyone away or they gave up on me because they didn't know if they wanted to hug me or hit me. Pity or anger. That's my legacy, apparently. I really have become that old man people are sick of seeing. And yet I can't just finish myself off.
http://www.crisisservicescanada.ca/
1-833-456-4566
 
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You know where stopping with meds eventually leads. That's already taking a deliberate step from suicidal ideation to planning.

Meds are never perfect. (I do NOT want hugs for this; I am bringing it up solely for Nick's sake.) Julie's meds have needed adjusting four times in the last three months as different stressors have slipped her from overwhelming anxiety to suicidal ideation. She went to her person last night and had the dosage and type changed again, same as she would for any illness.

That's all it is, sickness. Yours is telling you to obsess over the past and a mythical point to life, and that if you can't sort those out, that's on you, except it's utter bullshit. Like allergies. Allergies tell someone that peanuts are deadly, and their body reacts by trying to kill them.

Our organs are dumb. The brain is an organ. Go to your psych, or check yourself into a place, and take care of this.
 

Dave

Staff member
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My wife's meds have changed several times over the years. (Getting really personal here.) One of the side effects of a lot of the drugs is a squashing of the libido. Like, she couldn't care less whether or not we have sex. I went more than a year without it. And she's always worried that I'm going to leave. But I won't. Because sex isn't the reason I'm in this relationship. Also, It's not her fault!! She doesn't like it. It's just the way it is.

The point I'm trying to make, Nick, is that it's not your fault. My dad had cancer. My mom has Alzheimer's. My friend, John, has a bad heart. You have a chemical imbalance in your brain. It's a totally physical thing. Please take your meds.
 
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There's always that part about an hour into the movie about the down-on-his-luck protagonist where he has gotten back together with his ex, is starting to get his life together, and is getting dressed for his first day at his new job, and he picks up his pill bottle, announces out loud to nobody in particular, "Guess I'm not going to need these any more!" and then throws them into the trash and heads out, whistling to himself.
But that's also the point where the audience is all yelling at the screen, pleading with him: "You numbskull! AAARRRRGH! You NEED those!"
Spoiler alert: We're the audience.

--Patrick
 
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Going to the hospital. After a major argument with Dad, I tried hanging myself by a belt in my closet. I couldn't just let myself go. So then I told Mom I think I need to go to the hospital.

Not that it'll help.

And now I feel like I'm being manipulative just for the attention.
 
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Going to the hospital. After a major argument with Dad, I tried hanging myself by a belt in my closet. I couldn't just let myself go. So then I told Mom I think I need to go to the hospital.

Not that it'll help.

And now I feel like I'm being manipulative just for the attention.
Go to the hospital, get some help, even if you don't think it's possible. And remember that we're here for you too.
 
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