I'm having a goddamn panic attack here...

[Soliloquy]

I lost the only friend I had, and pretty much ruined her hopes and dreams in the process. She says it's not healthy for her to talk to me anymore. I believe her, too... seeing how I've only really serve to make her angry even when I intend not to.

I'm not going to go into details... It's a messy situation all around. But I'm having a really hard time living with myself right now. I'm having to resort to taking minor herbal sedatives to keep myself from bawling all the time.

I don't have the money to go out and do anything or buy anything beyond basic necessities. I got in a car accident because I was so distraught I wasn't paying enough attention. All I can do is sit in my apartment and pass the evenings between work by trying to find something vaguely entertaining to pass the time.

It helps to just type everything out, and I have no idea why. I don't even have a question to ask, here. I just feel like a complete piece of shit. Things weren't supposed to be this way... I was supposed to be helping fix things. I wasn't supposed to be ruining everything in her life. I don't know what the hell I did wrong...

 

[Shegokigo]

This is a damn good place to vent Solil, I do it every so often myself. Any chance you might talk about the situation that caused this?

 

[Ravenpoe]

Vent all you like, it's good for you. To second what Shego said, if you want to talk about what happened, it can help to not only sort through it by talking about it, but can also add perspective from other people's point of view.

 

[Jay]

I propose you post an anonymous thread on the situation and we'll do our best to advise you and pretend you're someone else.

Venting is good.

 

[Soliloquy]

Eh, I might as well just post as is.

The thing is.. I know where things went wrong. I know exactly where things went wrong. I just don't know whether it was preventable... And I don't know whether there's any way to fix it.

The friend in question is a trauma survivor. A stepfather of hers verbally, physically, and sexually abused her for half a decade starting when she was five. Her mom swears she didn't know but given the circumstances and the severity of the abuse there's no way that was feasibly possible.

The woman was involved in a toxic, emotionally-abusive relationship that had her desperately seeking out some sort of emotional comfort -- which she eventually found in me. She also wants to be a doctor, and was well on her way to succeeding at that. She's an extremely intelligent woman.

The woman wouldn't leave the man on her own... and though I tried to prod her to do so, I also tried to keep my distance romantically since I knew that relationships that start that way tend to end catastrophically. I have to admit that I was extremely interested, but I didn't want her to make the foolish choice to leave him for somebody else, so I did my best to make it seem like I had no romantic interest whatsoever (according to what she eventually said later, I succeeded, and she was absolutely certain at the time that I wasn't interested).

It eventually became clear that she didn't believe that she was worth anything, and thought she was lucky to have someone like her emotionally-abusive boyfriend, who had become her fiance at the time. She also kind of idealized me, as though I were some kind of perfect guy out of reach.

Eventually she confronted me head on with the fact that she had strong feelings for me -- and I didn't know what to say. My initial reaction was to say that we probably shouldn't talk if that's the case, since she was clearly committed to her fiance.

The aftermath made it clear to me that she was devastated. And I realized that she viewed this as another of a string of abandonment in her life, starting all the way back to her biological father who left her mom because she refused to raise her children in a house filled with drugs everywhere -- this dad now lives *somewhere* in Texas but never has any sort of permanent address so he can avoid paying the thousands and thousands of dollars in child support he owes.

Seeing this, I decided the best course of action was to take the opposite approach, admit my feelings for her, and try to make things work out.

Initially, she was happier emotionally, but she was struggling in school because of her own personal struggles with the ethical iffiness of the situation.

Eventually she decided to leave him for me. This required a move on her part, which was a big step for her.

She was emotionally distraught and distant during the move, which in turn caused me to be emotionally removed from the situation, which in turn make her worried that I was abandoning her emotionally. I started making little mistakes while moving, which she (in her distraught state), felt the need to point out and criticize in a harsh way that made me ill at ease and more prone to making bigger mistakes, which she also felt needed to be pointed out, and... well, you get the idea.

I hoped that this would come to an end when the move was over, but she kept pointing out mistakes even afterwards. Eventually we got into an argument about it, and I don't even everything that was said, but... I eventually snapped in a self-abusive way, and she freaked out.

We kept talking for a while, but at least once a day she would find something new to tell me I was doing wrong, and would would say how she felt like she was tricked into leaving her man for something that she thought was better than it was. The constant criticism would always tear away at me... and I wasn't able to emotionally be as close to her as I had been. She started feeling abandoned as a result (and I should add that as a result of her leaving the fiance, her parents and sister stopped talking to her), and she would frequently let me know this. But whenever I mentioned how the criticism was making it difficult to be close to her, she would get angry that I was "blaming her" for the situation.

It didn't help that I recently got promoted to a managerial position that was stressing me out and occasionally required me to stay late to work while we looked for a replacement for my old position.

Eventually she made it clear that we were no longer in a relationship, and she had me cancel our plans to go out to eat on valentines day so that she could study.

Like an idiot, I completely left her alone on valentines day so that she could get more done -- she said later that she "had faith" that I would make it a day worth remembering for her. Instead she was alone with no one even talking to her.

She doesn't even talk to me anymore. She says it's not healthy for her to talk to me -- she's been seeing a therapist for a while now, and so I believe her. Her grades are down the toilet, everyone else in her life has abandoned her, she's in a really bad financial situation, and I'm at fault.

I'm also hopped up on three glasses of Valerian Root Tea and some Passion Flower -- both herbs with anti-anxiety properties -- just to keep myself from bawling my eyes out all night. I don't know what there is to do to help her... I don't think I'm capable of doing anything but hurt her anymore. My very presence that upsets her with the knowledge that I am the cause of most of her problems in life.

If you'll excuse me, I need to get myself a fourth cup of tea.

 

[Jay]

It's late and I don't have the time to post a lengthy retort but I will say a few quick things.

- The blame game needs to stop. NOW! "She blames me... X" "I blame her for X". This is never productive.

- Calmness always prevails. If you allow yourself to fully be engrossed by drama then you're doing it wrong. Take a step back, take notes and come back when you're calm and collected. If the other person cannot be calm and collected. Take a break, talk about the issue with them later, when they are calm. Screaming at eachother, arguing or whatever... while playing the blame game never ever helps... crying about it won't change a thing about it neither. BE COOL.

- Communication is important. "She was distant because she felt I was distant." "She wanted to be alone for Valentine's day, so I left her alone and now she is upset about it". What the fuck, seriously? I'm not judging YOU or HER but damn... I face palmed a few times. You guys need to talk, calmly and see how things work out.

I find it very intriguing and off-putting that she no longer speaks to her family. Are they truly aware on how she feels about things and how she felt with her fiancee? What kind of parent stops talking to their child over the sake of them finding someone else? Also, I feel you may have been white knighted by her. Be mindful of that.

Anyways, I'll reply in proper form sometime tomorrow. In the meantime, when was the last time you slept? Go sleep. Fuck tea.

 

[ThatNickGuy]

You can't blame yourself for all the emotional issues that she's going through. Sure, you were trying to do what was best for her, but she was in no place at all to jump from one serious relationship to another. It sounds like she to do a lot of self-reflection and healing, otherwise she's going to keep these mistakes. I'm not referring to you as a mistake, I just mean how she's reacting to all these situations.

Basically, she expected you to do a lot more than you were capable of doing. She likely had far too high expectations, in fact, that could never be met.

It's cliche as all hell to say in these parts of the forums, but she needs therapy. Big time.

For you, I really don't know what to say. As I said, she expected you to be something you just couldn't possibly fulfill. You can't blame yourself for all of it. She's got a lot - and I mean a truckload - of issues that it doesn't sound like she's ever worked out. You're not the cause of most of her problems. You got her out of an abusive relationship. In the long run, that is likely the best thing to happen for her out of this whole mess.

It's...a really sticky situation, honestly. But don't beat yourself up. It sounds like there's a lot more going on with her that to put all the blame on yourself is just unrealistic.
Added at: 00:07
I should also add: I wouldn't try communicating with her at all right now. Truth be told, distance from each other might do both of you a lot more good than the harm of attempting to talk. Everything's just too volatile right now. Trust me, that's speaking from experience - albeit not nearly as molten-lava heated as this, but still.

 

[Soliloquy]

It's late and I don't have the time to post a lengthy retort but I will say a few quick things.

- The blame game needs to stop. NOW! "She blames me... X" "I blame her for X". This is never productive.

- Calmness always prevails. If you allow yourself to fully be engrossed by drama then you're doing it wrong. Take a step back, take notes and come back when you're calm and collected. If the other person cannot be calm and collected. Take a break, talk about the issue with them later, when they are calm. Screaming at eachother, arguing or whatever... while playing the blame game never ever helps... crying about it won't change a thing about it neither. BE COOL.

- Communication is important. "She was distant because she felt I was distant." "She wanted to be alone for Valentine's day, so I left her alone and now she is upset about it". What the fuck, seriously? I'm not judging YOU or HER but damn... I face palmed a few times. You guys need to talk, calmly and see how things work out.

I find it very intriguing and off-putting that she no longer speaks to her family. Are they truly aware on how she feels about things and how she felt with her fiancee? What kind of parent stops talking to their child over the sake of them finding someone else? Also, I feel you may have been white knighted by her. Be mindful of that.

Anyways, I'll reply in proper form sometime tomorrow. In the meantime, when was the last time you slept? Go sleep. Fuck tea.

It's a little too late for any more talking now, for the time being... but yeah, you're right that I should sleep. Luckily that tea doesn't have any caffeine.

 

[Gared]

Man, this is a shitty situation, but I'm with Jay and TNG, this is not your fault. You are not solely to blame for her being where she is emotionally, academically, and financially. There was failure to communicate on both of your parts, with Valentine's Day being a big indicator of that. First she told you that she needed to cancel plans so she'd have more time to study, so you let her study, then she was upset that you didn't spend any time with her, and now you feel guilty because she was all alone on Valentine's Day. Now she won't talk to you at all, because she says it's not healthy for her to talk to you, and you're going along with it because she's in therapy so you trust that her therapist is in agreement with her that talking to you isn't healthy. Obviously her therapist can't divulge to you whether he or she is in agreement (doctor patient confidentiality), but again (and I'm not judging either of you) you're passively reacting to something she said, and it's eating you up inside - to the point that you wrecked your car and are downing anti-anxiety herbals like they're going out of style. If there's not already mint in that valerian root tea, add some in. It helps with the calming aspect and it helps cover up the shitty taste of the valerian root.

There are two ways to look at pretty much every situation in life. One way is to figure out who's to blame for a situation, and then blame them. It doesn't really accomplish much aside from putting blame on someone and then washing your hands of it (and making people feel shitty). The other way to look at something is:

1. Figure out what went wrong.
2. Figure out how to correct the immediate effects of what went wrong.
3. Figure out how to prevent what went wrong from going wrong again.
4. Figure out whose responsibility it was to ensure that what went wrong didn't go wrong.
5. Re-educate the person whose responsibility it was so they don't make the same mistake in the future.

This way you can actually accomplish something, usually several things. Now, relationships aren't computer problems or engineering exercises. You can't "fix" them like you fix a car or fix a recursive loop. But, you can objectively (as objectively as possible) figure out what went wrong (in this case, I'd say the big thing is that you both failed to communicate with each other clearly). How can you fix what went wrong? You can strive to communicate more clearly in the future. How can prevent this from happening again? When either of you starts to feel like you might be having problems communicating, you stop what you're doing, you get the other person in the same place or on the phone, and you express your concern that communication is failing. Whose responsibility was it to prevent this from happening? Both of you were responsible, because you're both adults and you were both involved in the relationship.

If you want to continue this relationship, or at least continue to be friends with her, it's up to you to communicate with her. I would honestly consider writing her a letter that explains how you feel in as calm a manner as possible. Mail her the letter. This way she can decide whether or not she wants to read the letter, she can read it at her own pace, she can take the letter with her to her therapist, the two of them can discuss it. You may never hear back from her. She might call you or email you or whatever a few months from now, or a few hours after getting the letter. This may be what it takes to strengthen your friendship and/or relationship with this woman, and it may be what you need to make future relationships with other women better.

But you cannot continue to blame the both of you (or either of you) for what happened. Blaming will not help. You are not the root of all of her problems. You did not abuse her as a child. There was no way for you to prevent the abuse, and the responsibility for healing the damage that the abuse caused was not all on you. Believe me when I say that this is meant in as supportive and understanding manner possible - you cannot white knight all of her cares away, because this is what happens when you try. Invariably, some portion of your support fails, everything starts to crumble, and you both wind up being emotional wrecks for a good long while. I hung my armor up several years ago, but not until after I went through what you're going through many, many times over. And even though I've hung up my armor, I still catch myself sometimes mid-re-armoring and have to remind myself that this way leads to disaster.

As far as your current state... if you can take a couple days off work, or even if you can just make it to the weekend, I'd strongly suggest making two days be all about you. Day one, stop drinking the tea. Listen to incredibly sad music. Watch chick flicks. Cry until you've cried yourself dry. Bawl your eyes out. Make horrible crying noises. Eat a pint of chocolate ice cream. Day two, wake up early. Enjoy a cup of your caffeine of choice. Have a nice breakfast. Go outside and enjoy nature if that's possible. If not, just devote the day to caring about you and doing things that you enjoy. Day three, you'll feel a little better.

 

[phil]

Eventually she made it clear that we were no longer in a relationship, and she had me cancel our plans to go out to eat on valentines day so that she could study.

Like an idiot, I completely left her alone on valentines day so that she could get more done -- she said later that she "had faith" that I would make it a day worth remembering for her. Instead she was alone with no one even talking to her.

I take issue with this part. SHE said you two were no longer an item. SHE told you to cancel plans. YOU obeyed her wishes and left her alone. Then she had the audacity to say that she expected some grand gesture?! No. Fuck everything about that.

Let's just say you had done something.

You two would go out, have a wonderful evening, forget your troubles for a day and then that would be used somehow as ammo against you and you'd still be in the exact same place you are now. You are not at fault for any aspect in that situation.

I'll spoil the rest of my advice because it's unsolicited and if you don't want to read it that's your choice.

Spoiler

Obviously since I'm only getting one side of this I can't say anything for certain.

It sounds to me like you are taking way more responsibly than should be expected of you. I don't even mean recently, either. Everyone's life is their own, man. My mistakes are mine, yours are yours and her's are her's. I understand that she's had a rough life. Lots of people have. That doesn't give her a free pass from taking responsibility for herself. She left her boyfriend for you. You didn't hold a gun to her head. She needs to get her act together and realize that she's the only one in charge of her life.

 

[drifter]

Yeah, I agree with Phil. If it wasn't this, it would have been something else. You describe a pattern on her part of constantly tearing you down; that's probably no coincidence. Given that she was abused and has self-esteem problems, it wouldn't be surprising if she has developed self-destructive tendencies. She pushed at you until you snapped; congratulations, now it's all your fault.

It sucks all around, and I feel for you, but you can't take a broken person out of a fucked up relationship and expect them to all of a sudden act normally.

 

[Soliloquy]

I need some help figuring out what to do. I'll answer any questions to clarify things. I just need to know how to make things right.

Here's a string of text messages we had. She says she explained everything to me...

Spoiler: a string of text messages

*removed*

 

[MindDetective]

Wow.

 

[Soliloquy]

Could you... expand on that?

 

[Ravenpoe]

Wow, ok, she is goddamn hostile. She's projecting EVERYTHING on you. She's blaming you for everything, either so she doesn't have to accept any responsibility herself, or some fucked up manipulation strategy because she knows you'll grovel... Or something, I don't even know.

My serious advice is to gtfo. Eject from this plane crash.

 

[ThatNickGuy]

Pardon my language, but holy fucking Christ, this girl needs help. She takes so many things that you say and spins them in such a negative way that it's like she's having a completely different conversation. There's so many cognitive distortions in her statements that I'm surprised they don't make her head explode. She constantly berates and blames you for everything. No wonder you've got it in your head that it's your fault.

She's got a LOT of baggage that she's holding onto and it's making her extremely volatile in every possible way.
Added at: 11:57
Also, I can't imagine this person is seeing a therapist. If she is, she can't be taking much of the advice to heart.

 

[Azurephoenix]

Dude... seriously... cut this girl loose before she destroys you somehow. She is MESSED UP!

 

[ScytheRexx]

To be honest man, I think by this point you just need to let her go. I understand you care for her, but she seems very angry. She blames you, you somewhat blame her, you blame yourself, and the more you blame yourself the more she thinks you are just trying to make yourself be the "victim", making her even more angry about it. The relationship has seemed to reach a level of toxicity that I don't know if it can be salvaged. I hate to say it, but it's how I see the situation.

Sadly, relationships are not always something you can fix. Sometimes the act of trying to fix it only makes the damage grow, and to me, it seems like this is a situation that is going to get worst before it gets better.

I wish I could give better advice.

 

[Soliloquy]

Look, I know she needs help. She's getting help, even. But if there's one thing I know about her, it's that she's genuine. She genuinely sees me as being selfish and not caring, and I need to figure out how to get around that. I appreciate your advice on getting out, but that's not really what's important to me. What's important to me is that I'm able to help her in some way...

Here's the thing... her entire life, everyone she knows has backstabbed her and put themselves in front of her, including her own mom, who allowed the blatant abuse to continue for five years and who refuses to even sign her FAFSA so that she can get a federally-approved student loan... she's had to take out a private loan instead. this is a mom who, after the abuse was over and she was finally recovering, forced her to leave the friend, boyfriend, and the family she was closest to (her grandma and grandpa) to move to another state for her new boyfriend's hairbrained business idea that failed within months. She had a best friend in this new town who she was supposed to live with after leaving her fiance, and her best friend flaked out on her and forced her to leave so that the friend could live with her boyfriend of one month -- a boyfriend the friend broke up with a week later. She has a sister who came into town while the breakup was going on, but the sister only saw her once during the month that she was here because the sister kept going out with three different guys who she was trying to decide between.

So I can completely understand why she's on the lookout for a betrayal. I understand why she assumes people will put themselves before her. She wasn't like this before everything started happening with the breakup.

I need to find a way to let her know that I'm not like that. That I'm not out to betray her like everyone else. I don't care if I get back together with her, even -- I just want to be able to help. And I need to figure out the best way to do that. There's hints in there, somewhere, that can lead me to what I need to do and say... I just don't know what.

 

[Ravenpoe]

I still say the best thing for you both is to gtfo. She's creating a fantasy world around herself where she doesn't have to accept any responsibility, where everything is someone else's fault, and you're falling into it. Her hostility feeds your self doubt, and you in turn give her a target to continue her delusions. It's a toxic, poisonous relationship.

GTFO.

 

[Azurephoenix]

You're not going to like hearing this... but I highly doubt you can help her. She is twisting everything you say so badly that it is extremely unlikely that anything you are able to do or say to her will change her mind in the slightest. Nick seems right on with his statement about cognitive distortions. You simply can't reason with people like that.

I'm not saying this to be a dick either... I sympathize with your situation (I had two exes with some similar traits and I wanted to help them through their problems) but you can't save everybody no matter how badly you may want to.

Regardless... I wish you the best in this delicate matter. Just don't lose sight of who you are and don't sacrifice yourself for a lost cause either.

 

[ScytheRexx]

What's important to me is that I'm able to help her in some way...

Help her by being there when she needs to you, otherwise back off and don't try to fix anything on your own. Do not attempt to put some of her own burden on your shoulders, because not only will you make yourself stress out, but you will make her further stressed because she thinks you are trying to take her own hardships and, like she implied, make it about you. Even though that is not your intention, it will be what she sees, and changing that won't happen outside of psychically implanting your intentions in her mind.

The best thing you can do is just let it go. Don't let HER go, but let IT go. Let go of the relationship, let go off the fact she has hardships and issues, move on and let her calm in her own life at her own pace. If she needs support, she will call you, and when she does, don't be down, don't blame yourself for the past, don't even mention the past. Keep focused on the future and what it means for her.

Best case in this, you will recover her as a friend. Worst case, you will have to cut off all contact with her and wait out the pain. Do NOT let her string you on with this if she keeps bringing it up.

If there is one thing I know in life, and know how hard it is, it would be dwelling on past mistakes so much that they hurt your future. Don't let that happen, that is what is important.

 

[MindDetective]

It's a catch-22. The more she voices blame and negative perceptions, the more she will believe them. She is in a mindset where she can twist anything you say against you. It is probably not intentional, but she is trying to sort out her own frustration, anger, and other mixed feelings. Voicing them helps her sort these things out, I'm afraid to say. This puts you in a position where you are least able to help her right now, as you are the fixation of the feelings she is sorting out. Trying to help will help her, but it won't help you, and it probably won't reconnect you in any way. It will only help her in that she'll cut you out completely and then begin to feel better. About the only ting you can do right now is say, "Call me if you need me. Until then, try not to be too angry about an honest mistake."

 

[Dave]

She could kill a man and hand you the bloody knife, then blame you for his death and you'd take it.

She's fucked up and sinking fast. You can either let go and swim away or drown with her.

 

[Shegokigo]

Honestly? There's nothing you can magically say that's going to make her see you any differently. It's as simple as that.

You say "How can I help you?" and she says "It's all about you isn't it?"then never tells you how you can help?

That's it. If she's not willing to accept your help there's nothing you can do beyond that. It's alot easier than you're making it out to be.

 

[Adam]

You're offering her help and she says you don't understand and she seems unwilling to explain outside of "You don't understand."

Holy fucking shit, you're dating Norris.

 

[strawman]

She needs someone to blame for her failures. You're it.

That's all it is, and all it ever was.

She's an *adult*. She's "fixing" things her own way. One of those ways is treating you as the latest thing that wrecked her life.

But, ultimately, she made the choices she did, and she acted the way she did, and she is fully responsible for herself.

She's an *adult*.

Treat her like one and take her words at face value. If she says one thing, don't assume she means something different. Don't assume she needs something different than what she's saying.

You can see from her string of past relationships that it's her, not you.

There's nothing you can do, and even if there were, she's asked you, told you, and tried to beat it into your head that she doesn't want you to do anything.

Take her for an adult. Move on. Accept that it wasn't your fault, and you are in no way responsible for her actions.

She's not a child. She can take care of herself.

And leave it at that. Don't contact her. Don't pine for her. Don't blame yourself.

When she needs something from you, you can be quite certain she'll guilt it out of you when she needs it. (and I hope you learn your lesson and refuse)

Also, you need to realize that either she turned you into a person that acts the way you're acting, or you were already that way to start with. This is not normal behavior. You need to consider your own health and relationships and change - and, as much fun as we make of it here, it may require professional help. She may or may not be seeing a therapist, and perhaps you may feel you don't need one, but it's quite obvious that you will benefit from one, if only to help put this particular disaster into perspective.

We can only offer limited suggestions based on limited information, but a good therapist will be able to offer specific help for the specific problems you are facing right now.

 

[Frank]

There's a 4 letter word that sprung to my mind when reading that, and it wasn't love.

You need to not be involved with her.

 

[Adam]

There's a 4 letter word that sprung to my mind when reading that, and it wasn't love.

You need to not be involved with her.

Was it like?
Added at: 10:53
In all seriousness Sol, how did you meet this friend? What prompted her move?

If I was to guess, it was an internet relationship that you've been sold a bill of goods for and you don't actually really know each other outside of a very structured framework that doesn't lend itself well to truth-telling. But that's a HUUUUGE leap and I'm more than happy to have egg on my face if I'm wrong.

 

[Soliloquy]

Help her by being there when she needs to you, otherwise back off and don't try to fix anything on your own. Do not attempt to put some of her own burden on your shoulders, because not only will you make yourself stress out, but you will make her further stressed because she thinks you are trying to take her own hardships and, like she implied, make it about you. Even though that is not your intention, it will be what she sees, and changing that won't happen outside of psychically implanting your intentions in her mind.

The best thing you can do is just let it go. Don't let HER go, but let IT go. Let go of the relationship, let go off the fact she has hardships and issues, move on and let her calm in her own life at her own pace. If she needs support, she will call you, and when she does, don't be down, don't blame yourself for the past, don't even mention the past. Keep focused on the future and what it means for her.

Best case in this, you will recover her as a friend. Worst case, you will have to cut off all contact with her and wait out the pain. Do NOT let her string you on with this if she keeps bringing it up.

If there is one thing I know in life, and know how hard it is, it would be dwelling on past mistakes so much that they hurt your future. Don't let that happen, that is what is important.

That sounds like good advice. She does tend to bring up what happened a lot, though. Do you have any advice on how to deal with that?

It's a catch-22. The more she voices blame and negative perceptions, the more she will believe them. She is in a mindset where she can twist anything you say against you. It is probably not intentional, but she is trying to sort out her own frustration, anger, and other mixed feelings. Voicing them helps her sort these things out, I'm afraid to say. This puts you in a position where you are least able to help her right now, as you are the fixation of the feelings she is sorting out. Trying to help will help her, but it won't help you, and it probably won't reconnect you in any way. It will only help her in that she'll cut you out completely and then begin to feel better. About the only ting you can do right now is say, "Call me if you need me. Until then, try not to be too angry about an honest mistake."

That seems like sound advice as well... she definitely is frustrated, angry, etc. and I suppose it was a little presumptuous of me to assume I could fix those feelings for her. I don't want to seem like I'm ignoring her when she texts me, but if responding with assurances and explanations makes things worse, then I don't want to do that.

Was it like?
Added at: 10:53
In all seriousness Sol, how did you meet this friend? What prompted her move?

If I was to guess, it was an internet relationship that you've been sold a bill of goods for and you don't actually really know each other outside of a very structured framework that doesn't lend itself well to truth-telling. But that's a HUUUUGE leap and I'm more than happy to have egg on my face if I'm wrong.

Try an eight-year friendship beginning in high school and staying in contact throughout and after college, in which she was the first person to actually show any interest in who I am beneath the exterior and got me to open up and do more than sit aside awkwardly all day and never say a word to anyone. She's also the person who inspired me enough to get the job I am in and pushed me to go forward and get the promotion. The move was within the same city, but away from her Ex-Fiance.

Where are the eggs?

 

[Adam]

Try an eight-year friendship beginning in high school and staying in contact throughout and after college, in which she was the first person to actually show any interest in who I am on the exterior and got me to open up and do more than sit aside awkwardly all day and never say a word to anyone. She's also the person who inspired me enough to get the job I am in and pushed me to go forward and get the promotion. The move was within the same city, but away from her Ex-Fiance.

Where are the eggs?

Fuuuck, that's a lot of egg I deserve! Sorry, in today's dating environment, it just seemed so typical of a long distance relationship.
I don't know what to say dude, for someone who you've known and who has known you for such a long time, it seems like you're talking past each other.

 

[Soliloquy]

You can see from her string of past relationships that it's her, not you.

You mean her single relationship that she had been in for seven years and only considered leaving because of me? That string of past relationships?

Sorry, it's just... that was really presumptuous of you.

 

[Adam]

You mean her single relationship that she had been in for seven years and only considered leaving because of me? That string of past relationships?

Sorry, it's just... that was really presumptuous of you.

I think he 'relationships' in the more broad term of 'person-to-person' not 'penis-to-vagina'.

 

[Soliloquy]

Fuuuck, that's a lot of egg I deserve! Sorry, in today's dating environment, it just seemed so typical of a long distance relationship.
I don't know what to say dude, for someone who you've known and who has known you for such a long time, it seems like you're talking past each other.

Question: does that mean it seems like I'm not understanding what she's saying as well? Because I really would like to know what I'm missing...

And we used to communicate so well... it's only since she moved away from the fiance that this started happening...

 

[phil]

It's not your job to fix anything. She doesn't need to trust you. You said she's getting help, and that's awesome because now she has someone else to help her fix her problems. You're 100% off the hook. Walk away. Let her know that if she ever wants to talk or anything she knows how to contact you, then walk away. Don't call her. Don't initiate anything and more importantly don't get involved unless it's not going to be a blame game.