[Question] Another Dating Advice Thread

A

Anonymous

Anonymous

Hello!

First time caller, long-time listener.

I've been dating a girl for about four months - she's sweet, smart and definitely motivated to get her own life on the line and pursue her dreams. For the most part things have been fantastic and there's not really anything wrong with where we are right now - except one teensy, tiny thing.

She's what you'd call an unemotional girl.

That's not saying she doesn't have emotion - it's that she rarely shows it. It's nothing I didn't know going into this - but I feel like spending time with her has made me more and more needy and I'm really not enjoying that.

I know she's into me. She's said it before and there's a few moments where she'll actually open up and talk to me - she's even cried into me telling me how wonderful I am and that she's never had anyone that's cared for her like this. But then there are times she's almost cold and almost intent on not wanting to look like she's dependent on me and it throws me in some funk.

It's only been four months, I know. But I feel like I'm getting to an age where I should look at relationships on a long-term level instead of just flings. So is this something I should talk to her about? Or is this in the "Man up, get therapy" category of HF problems?
 
WasabiPoptart

WasabiPoptart

Talk to her. Get her point of view. Explain your needs to her.

Also, you say there are times when she is "almost intent on not wanting to look like she's dependent on me". Why should she be dependent on you? You aren't married. You have a 4 month old relationship. I'm assuming you aren't living together. Sure she might have some issue where she thinks she doesn't need anyone else, but ... your reaction "it throws me in some funk" is not exactly healthy either. You might want to explore why you think you have to take care of her or have her dependent on you in order to feel good about the relationship and yourself.
 
Dei

Dei

I am kind of this way. I find it endlessly frustrating when people think I don't care about them because I suck at showing it. That said, I agree that you shouldn't be letting it put you in a funk. My husband though, has felt the same way you are feeling right now I'd wager, and it's very important to keep lines of communication open so that things aren't taken completely the wrong way to the point that you are both hurt and you think you are the only one who gives a damn.
 
A

Anonymous

Anonymous

WasabiPoptart said:
Talk to her. Get her point of view. Explain your needs to her.

Also, you say there are times when she is "almost intent on not wanting to look like she's dependent on me". Why should she be dependent on you? You aren't married. You have a 4 month old relationship. I'm assuming you aren't living together. Sure she might have some issue where she thinks she doesn't need anyone else, but ... your reaction "it throws me in some funk" is not exactly healthy either. You might want to explore why you think you have to take care of her or have her dependent on you in order to feel good about the relationship and yourself.
Click to expand...
Honestly, typing it up made me realize how ridiculous I'm being.

It's stupid. I'm definitely used to being the more dependent one in a relationship and it's probably just me being a baby and not used to this kind of thing.

Dei said:
I am kind of this way. I find it endlessly frustrating when people think I don't care about them because I suck at showing it. That said, I agree that you shouldn't be letting it put you in a funk. My husband though, has felt the same way you are feeling right now I'd wager, and it's very important to keep lines of communication open so that things aren't taken completely the wrong way to the point that you are both hurt and you think you are the only one who gives a damn.
Click to expand...
Part of the problem is I'm not exactly the most open person either, so it's hard to get that kind of dialogue going between us unless we've got a few drinks in our system.

Ravenpoe said:
Man up and stick it in your therapist's pooper.
Click to expand...
YES SIR.
 
bhamv3

bhamv3

I shall now refer to this solution as the Ravenpoe Method, and will endeavor to implement it more often in everyday life.

And anonymous dude, I totally get what you mean about finding it hard to open up. This can definitely be an acquired skill. I speak from experience there. I used to clam up too, even though I rationally and objectively knew that communication is important in a relationship. I had to take baby steps, and learn to talk to my partner, until I became the far-too-TMI blabbermouth that I am today.

You can do it, man. *holds fist out for brofisting*
 
phil

phil

Unemotional like she doesn't show it, and is thus hard to read? Or unemotional like she see's a dead free cat and is kinda "meh" about it.

The first one I think just means you have to be a little more communicative with her and just check in with how she's feeling. I think that's a perfectly fine thing to talk about as well. If it's the 2nd way I guess maybe it's a thing to judge on a case by case basis. If something comes up and you're feeling down and need support or want your feelings reciprocated just communicate that, ya know? If it's something that isn't affecting her she may not realize it's affecting you, so coming off as cold may be completely unintentional.
 
drawn_inward

drawn_inward

My wife doesn't fall to pieces and cry at movies. She's a very sweet and nurturing mother and wife, but she doesn't show her emotions (other than anger :D) as much as I do. She's very stoic.

People are on their best behavior (usually) for the first few years of a relationship. Then, they start letting their guard down. Chill out and enjoy this fun care-free time. If you have needs that require her emotions then I'd suggest that you discuss that. However, it's wicked early in your relationship so take it easy. But not too easy. You know, be casual. And then do as Ravenpoe suggests.
 
Dave

Dave

Staff member
She has emotions. She even shows them. You just don't know her cues yet. The more you get to know her, the more in tune with her you'll be. It'll be frustrating at first (obviously), but you'll get better.

Don't sweat it, man. It'll work itself out.
 
IronBrig4

IronBrig4

As somebody who is going through that frustrating "getting to know you" phase himself, I feel your pain. It takes a while to pick up on social cues, figuring out the other party's body language, and I actually chipped her tooth when I was really trying to hug her.

Communication is key at this early stage. Remember that she's still adjusting and she's just as nervous as you are. Don't clam up. Don't withdraw from one another. Make sure she knows that communication is the first step to solving a problem so you can avoid that awful silent treatment. With every successful interaction, both of you will become more proficient with reading one another. It's a team effort.
 
A

Anonymous

Anonymous

We managed to talk and ironed a few things out - but I think I just need to come to terms that I need to focus on my own things instead of fretting about what's going on in her mind. She obviously wants me around and enjoys my company - so I should just enjoy it for what it is.
 
strawman

strawman

Some people are simply this way naturally. It isn't that they are holding back, but they just aren't overtly expressive. They are expressive, though, and over time you'll form a mental decoder ring that will help you notice their moods.

Others are purposefully reserved, as a defense mechanism, or some other reason. Perhaps they've opened up, or shared too much in the early stages of their relationships, and believe that this was one thing that prevented success in that relationship. They usually open up slowly over time, so by the time you realize how crazy they are, it's too late for you.

In both cases, time is often the answer. As you build shared experiences, in-jokes, and learn each other's temperament, you'll probably find the deep connection you're looking for.
 
IronBrig4

IronBrig4

Anonymous said:
We managed to talk and ironed a few things out - but I think I just need to come to terms that I need to focus on my own things instead of fretting about what's going on in her mind. She obviously wants me around and enjoys my company - so I should just enjoy it for what it is.
Click to expand...
As somebody who very recently went through the "zomg what is she thinking?" phase, I can personally attest that fretting will do you no good. You'll lose sleep and it'll bring down your quality of life. That's why talking is key.
 
Officer_Charon

Officer_Charon

As someone who occasionally has bouts of robotic lack of emotional expression, just bear with it. Like you said, she's stated she wants you around, and even opens up enough to cry to you... it's good to go, brah. Just roll with it, be supportive, and know that this girl, who apparently has issues opening up to folks, feels comfortable enough to cry to you when she needs it. That's huge.
 
PatrThom

PatrThom

Anonymous said:
I should just enjoy it for what it is.
Click to expand...
stienman said:
time is often the answer.
Click to expand...
What little has been shared in this thread (and third-hand, at that) makes me think she has been burned/embarrassed/hurt/whatever at some point in the past, and so decided her internal self would live life a little more "hands off the controls" as far as transmitting her internal processes to her perimeter. This may be a deal-breaker if you require visible feedback from your partner, but if you allow her to live inside her pillow fort while you simultaneously make it clear that you're ok with holding her hand through the window, you (both) should be fine. Some people get really attached to the huts they have built for themselves. You have to be willing to hang out on the porch long enough for them to feel comfortable coming out and sitting with you, but if you're not that patient (or that motivated), then it could never happen.

--Patrick
 
Dave

Dave

Staff member
Was that because you did or did not take our stellar advice?

Or did you surprise her by sticking it in her pooper?
 
A

Anonymous

Anonymous

Dave said:
Was that because you did or did not take our stellar advice?

Or did you surprise her by sticking it in her pooper?
Click to expand...
Eh. After a night of drinking we argued about something stupid and she decided that because she dealt with so many red flags with her previous relationship that she can't tolerate one red flag from me (which was getting drunk and bickering).

I partially feel like she was looking for reasons to end things and I gave her one, so eh.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top