Not sure if whine or rant or just general feeling bad about myself, but I think I put the other posts about the series of workshops I'm following in here so this thread it is (don't worry, the course is almost over
)
Anyway, this is in two parts. On one hand, this series of workshops pretty much just confirms what I already knew - my interests, talents, experience and capabilities point in four different directions, and there's no job I'm qualified for, want to do, can do, can find in my area, and could get employed in. There's plenty of jobs I have the capabilities for but can't see myself doing for more than a few months before jumping in front of a train [I'd never actually jump in front of a train. I've contemplated suicide in my life, but I would never do it in a way that traumatizes another person so badly. Think of the train conductor, find another method]. Either I lack the personal qualities (I'm not exactly the most inspiring person), or the education (and the state isn't going to pay for more - two degrees is plenty), or the basic skills (I'm clumsy. As in slapstick-comedy clumsy. I might want to, but I'll never be able to use a chainsaw professionally and keep 10 fingers for over a month).
Secondly, and actually mostly unrelated - this is just griping about myself - I suck. I procrastinate far too much. I have to finish a bunch of "homework" today for an individual meet-up tomorrow. Because of circumstances outside of my control, I couldn't work on it most of the previous days, so it all came down to today. Nothing else to do. My GF left for work at 2PM and she won't be returning 'till somewhere around 10:30PM at the earliest. It's now about 10PM. So, I've had 8 hours of uninterrupted alone-time to busy myself with this.
Let's see...Caught some Pokémon...Read up on this place....Read up on a few blogs I read....Took a nap...Dinner....Lunch....Took out the garbage....Cleaned up the kitchen...Started reading up on the OOTS forums...Read the paper...Watched some John Oliver videos....Checked my e-mail...Wrote this post....Check and re-check the assignment to re-interpret it as more and more limited every time, to reduce the amount of work I have to do to be able to say "good enough"...Read a bit....Hmmyeah. An absolute waste of 8 hours. And not even doing especially fun or rewarding stuff! Killing time is just that - there's nothing gained from the way I spent that time, not even relaxation or enjoyment or fulfillment - just shame, anger at myself, frustration, a bit of regret, and yet,
still no motivation wahtsoever to go do something useful.
GAH. Bubble, you're an idiot throwing away good time and a good opportunity to learn about yourself and get help, and your passiveness and uselessness is just destroying it. Useless, useless, useless.
I may be fairly smart, and well-read, and I've got a broad interest and knowledge, but I'm a complete failure when it comes to willpower, perseverance, or actually
achieving something worthwhile.
