Profile posts Latest activity Postings About

  • If your GF/Wife has a friend you find annoying, simply mention offhandedly at random that the friend is pretty. Problem will solve itself.
    That could backfire, y'know. Best be prepared for either outcome.
    Fee Fee Fi Fi Fo Fo Fum, I smell smoke in the au-di-to-ri-um
    Make guns illegal! Because it worked so well for drugs, right?
    One of the difficult things about being single again is trying to find a good reason to shower on days I don't go in to work.
    You ever just feel like a gooey wad of festering, caustic venom encased in a candy shell of politeness and amiability?
    No. There have been a few times I've felt like caged vengeance, but not venom.
    Every corpse on Everest was once an extremely motivated person. Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
    "Even if you don't succeed, you might still serve as a cautionary tale for those who follow."
    That one rogue hair on your forehead that shows you where your hairline used to be. When it grows out, it's like running into an awkward ex.
    People my age get so worked up about Star Wars because they've been making payments on it since they were kids but they'll never own it.
    "Don't call me racist until you've tried taking Korean clients to a Japanese restaurant." -Overheard in a Goldman Sachs elevator
    "Political Correctness is fascism pretending to be manners." - George Carlin
    This quote is confirmed as "genuine Carlin," unlike many of the other ones out there attributed to him.
    Women are like guns - they recoil when I hold them.
    Do any of them go off half-cocked?
    If they're recoiling when you hold them, it sounds like there's a problem with an oversensitive trigger causing premature detonation. Girls with oversensitive triggers can be avoided by steering clear of tumblr.
    I don't think people appreciate how much effort I put into not becoming a serial killer.
    Right there with you, pal.
    If you're not the one paying for something, you're what's being sold. Expect to be treated as their product, not a customer.
    Taylor Swift has 100 songs about guys leaving her and 0 songs about blowjobs. I think we all see correlation here.
    How many stupid people are alive today because lawn darts were banned in the 80s?
    It's best not to accept oral sex from someone with a history of uncontrolled seizures.
    Songs I can't sing alone because the backup and lead vocals overlap are a constant source of irritation to me. Wake me up insiCAN'T WAKE UP
    You must hate singing along to R.E.M.
    We're all just 5 liters of blood sloshing around in a big meaty bag, turning food into poop and trying to fuck a little.
    You ever notice that supervillains are always the ones trying to change things, and super "heroes" are the ones resisting change?
    Yes, but changing from "a vibrant civilization" into a "blasted wasteland of nuclear fallout" is not a *positive* change.
    Ya haul sixteen tons, and whaddaya get? Another day older and that much closer to murdering coworkers.
    St. Peter don'tcha call me cuz I cain't go.
    I owe my soul to the Devil because I murdered all those coworkers.
    If half your waking brain cycles are committed to developing metaphors you MIGHT need someday (or might not), you're my kind of people.
    If you play the "how few times can I touch the brake" game on your daily commute, you're my kind of people.
    If you are alarmed by your phone battery going under 75%, but don't buy gas until the needle touches the "E", you're my kind of people.
    If you always have to look in the tissue after you blow your nose, every time, you're my kind of people.
    If your RL woman gets jealous of you when video game NPC women flirt with you, or are even just nice to you, you're my kind of people.
    If even the path of least resistance sometimes sounds more trouble than it's worth, you're my kind of people.
    If you consider "Why Boss Hogg stopped employing a chauffeur" to be one of life's great unsolvable mysteries, you're my kind of people.
    If you're worried that you have no idea what to do, and terrified that everyone else has even less of an idea, you're my kind of people.
    If you think it's hilarious how WASPs think there's an intrinsic difference between "cheese" and "queso," you're my kind of people.
    If you don't even think it noteworthy that you live between a trailer park and a women's prison, you're my kind of people.
  • Loading…
  • Loading…
  • Loading…
GasBandit's reactions
Needs a Lock
You're doing the thing again
I need this explained
Very Subtle.