A
Anonymous
Anonymous
Posting anonymously because I want to be open and frank, but don't want extended family details I will be discussing to be associated with my account in a way that will come back to bite those I love later. Also because I don't want this to spill into my regular forum posting. Many of you will know who this is due to posting style anyway, it's not secret, just trying to avoid potential problems, and I'm not in this to gather attention or be the drama queen. If you have concerns about me or anything I post, want to chat privately, and you can't figure out who I am, PM a mod, they know who I am and they have my permission to provide my username to those who request it privately.
I'm pretty busy, so haven't been able to go to a Survivors of Suicide group meeting since my brother killed himself. I didn't want to go for the first few weeks, but now that I'm trying to attend other priorities are getting in the way. There are two local groups, and each hold four meetings a month, so it's not like they're rare. I'm actually luckier than the rest of my family in this regard - my siblings and parents (spread across the US) only have one group in each of their areas, and those groups only have one or two meetings a month.
Which is why I'm posting here. You get to be my outlet. Sorry, and thanks.
On Saturday, several weeks ago, I received a text message from my mom. This is unusual - she had only sent me three texts in her life. It said, "Please call me right away" and I did so. She told me that my brother just older than I had killed himself just hours prior, and she couldn't get ahold of any of the other kids in our family. She and dad were trying to get on the next available flight, and I told her I'd get in contact with the other kids and tell them.
At the time I was out with my wife and her sister and brother in law in Indiana, a weekend trip. We left the restaurant and I started making calls and sending texts. It was not hard making the calls and saying the words required, but it was so hard receiving and being part of their first reaction to the news.
I was in a car accident years ago where I was a passenger, and only just saw the vehicle that was going to hit us at 60mph (we were practically stopped) immediately prior to getting hit, and seeing the airbag explode in front of my raised hangs. I was talking and waving my hands around as I do, it wasn't like I had time to brace myself. The scream that erupted from me seemed otherworldly, primitive, and I didn't realize I had made the sound until after everything settled down.
My younger brother reacted that way when I said, "[Brother] has committed suicide." The one who committed suicide was my younger brother's best friend and confidant. I sometimes wonder if there was any way I could have softened the blow for him. As it was late at night, though, I'm sure his wife was with him, and I really don't know that taking the bandaid off slowly is better or worse than quickly. I could have split it up into two parts, death, then suicide, but the reality is that suicide is a blow all itself, and it may have been as much or greater a blow than death, so it would be hitting him twice. At the time I was still in shock, and couldn't help but think that my younger brother might do something drastic, and my mind was flying trying to figure out how to help, or at least monitor, him.
My oldest brother didn't yell or scream when I told him. I mistakenly took that to mean that it didn't hurt him as much, and I expressed my worries about our younger brother, and asked him to call and check up on our younger brother. They live about 5 hours drive from each other, so I knew if either of them needed support they couldn't get from their families, they could find it in each other - of course their wives are awesome, and they actually had a good support system in place.
My sister received the text to call me or mom, and chose to call mom, so I didn't have to tell her, though I followed up with her later.
In case you're confused, here's a handy guide by age:
Oldest brother
Suicide brother
Me
Younger brother
Sister
We're all married and have kids, and our spouses and children are all awesome.
The brother who committed suicide was married and has two children, 12 and 10 years old. His wife is from New Zealand, and is a permanent resident (green card) but due to missing a deadline years ago became effectively ineligible for citizenship. She never really wanted to live in the US, and would rather have spent the rest of her life raising her family in new zealand, but the one year they gave it a try, she found that even though he had excellent skills and experience in systems and server administration, the job market in NZ wasn't as good as the US and she would have had to accept a much more spartan lifestyle there. In fact he spent most of his time working construction because, at the time, there were no jobs for Americans with his skill in the areas she wanted to live.
Perhaps I'll add more later. Looks like this is going to be a long story.
I'm pretty busy, so haven't been able to go to a Survivors of Suicide group meeting since my brother killed himself. I didn't want to go for the first few weeks, but now that I'm trying to attend other priorities are getting in the way. There are two local groups, and each hold four meetings a month, so it's not like they're rare. I'm actually luckier than the rest of my family in this regard - my siblings and parents (spread across the US) only have one group in each of their areas, and those groups only have one or two meetings a month.
Which is why I'm posting here. You get to be my outlet. Sorry, and thanks.
On Saturday, several weeks ago, I received a text message from my mom. This is unusual - she had only sent me three texts in her life. It said, "Please call me right away" and I did so. She told me that my brother just older than I had killed himself just hours prior, and she couldn't get ahold of any of the other kids in our family. She and dad were trying to get on the next available flight, and I told her I'd get in contact with the other kids and tell them.
At the time I was out with my wife and her sister and brother in law in Indiana, a weekend trip. We left the restaurant and I started making calls and sending texts. It was not hard making the calls and saying the words required, but it was so hard receiving and being part of their first reaction to the news.
I was in a car accident years ago where I was a passenger, and only just saw the vehicle that was going to hit us at 60mph (we were practically stopped) immediately prior to getting hit, and seeing the airbag explode in front of my raised hangs. I was talking and waving my hands around as I do, it wasn't like I had time to brace myself. The scream that erupted from me seemed otherworldly, primitive, and I didn't realize I had made the sound until after everything settled down.
My younger brother reacted that way when I said, "[Brother] has committed suicide." The one who committed suicide was my younger brother's best friend and confidant. I sometimes wonder if there was any way I could have softened the blow for him. As it was late at night, though, I'm sure his wife was with him, and I really don't know that taking the bandaid off slowly is better or worse than quickly. I could have split it up into two parts, death, then suicide, but the reality is that suicide is a blow all itself, and it may have been as much or greater a blow than death, so it would be hitting him twice. At the time I was still in shock, and couldn't help but think that my younger brother might do something drastic, and my mind was flying trying to figure out how to help, or at least monitor, him.
My oldest brother didn't yell or scream when I told him. I mistakenly took that to mean that it didn't hurt him as much, and I expressed my worries about our younger brother, and asked him to call and check up on our younger brother. They live about 5 hours drive from each other, so I knew if either of them needed support they couldn't get from their families, they could find it in each other - of course their wives are awesome, and they actually had a good support system in place.
My sister received the text to call me or mom, and chose to call mom, so I didn't have to tell her, though I followed up with her later.
In case you're confused, here's a handy guide by age:
Oldest brother
Suicide brother
Me
Younger brother
Sister
We're all married and have kids, and our spouses and children are all awesome.
The brother who committed suicide was married and has two children, 12 and 10 years old. His wife is from New Zealand, and is a permanent resident (green card) but due to missing a deadline years ago became effectively ineligible for citizenship. She never really wanted to live in the US, and would rather have spent the rest of her life raising her family in new zealand, but the one year they gave it a try, she found that even though he had excellent skills and experience in systems and server administration, the job market in NZ wasn't as good as the US and she would have had to accept a much more spartan lifestyle there. In fact he spent most of his time working construction because, at the time, there were no jobs for Americans with his skill in the areas she wanted to live.
Perhaps I'll add more later. Looks like this is going to be a long story.