What's the best way to handle an annoying "friend"?

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Tress

Tress

So, I'm stuck on something. I have this "friend" from high school. I use quotes because I'm 100% certain that if we didn't have a long history I wouldn't give this guy the time of day.

When we first met in high school we were both playing the same sports, were in the same classes, had the same group of friends, and had the same interests (sci-fi movies, anime, video games, etc.) Everything was fine for years, until about halfway through college. Over the last 7 years or so he has gradually alienated all of his friends to the point where I'm the only one left. It's as though he stopped growing up. He still has a juvenile sense of humor, only he's gotten more obnoxious (or maybe it just seems so as I've gotten older). His free time is now completely devoted to video games to the point where it is the only thing he talks about. He has no interests outside of WoW or whatever the latest popular game is for the 360. This means that when we meet up all he wants to talk about is his last raid or the stats for whatever piece of loot he picked up, despite the fact that I know nothing about WoW and don't like it. He's rude, he's not very bright, he's... well, you get the idea. Increasingly I find myself pissed off at things he says or does (such as mooching off me at meals, insulting my friends, talking about women like they're objects, and so on).

I'm tired of it.

Here's my dilemma: what's the right thing to do? Should I ignore his calls and just sever contact? Should I explain to him how I feel and why I don't want to hang out anymore? Should I lie and make up another excuse? Should I just be a nice guy and put up with his antics, even though he pisses me off all the time? I've gotten a different answer from each person I've asked offline, so now I turn to all of you.
 
Terrik

Terrik

I usually go the ignore route. The times that I didn't it usually ended up a lot worse. If you can't stand the guy, don't give him your time, and there's no real reason to lie either. Does this guy inspire you, help you make yourself a better person or in any way is someone you can have fun with? If not, don't waste your time.
 
linglingface

linglingface

I had a friend similar to that... Because we were friends he tried to commit me to at least one lunch or dinner per week, phone/AIM chats regularly and schedule at least once a week, a day to hang out together. He'd get mad at me if it seemed like I wasn't as committed to the friendship... We were on again off again friends for a while. When we were getting along (when he wasn't crazy) we had lots of fun, but otherwise he was completely unreasonable. So eventually we stopped talking or contacting each other all together.
While there are times Mike and I wonder how he's doing, we know it's better to try not to care at all. We worry about him and enjoyed his company when he wasn't being dramatic, but it's better this way, cutting him out completely. If he is going to shut himself out from the rest of the world and have crazy expectations from those he chooses to contact, then he's not worth our time.
 
LittleSin

LittleSin

I would tell him. I've broken up with friends before. You just have to lay it out your reasons and stick by your decisions.

I mean, how is he going to know that he's an unlikable pig if no one ever TELLS him?
 
Jay

Jay

I'd go over his house and when at some point he goes to the washroom, you log off his WoW character and promptly delete all his toons before taking off.

If you want to not do it Jay's way, simply tell him that you can't be bothered to hang out and tell him why. If you feel he won't LISTEN, just email it to him. Sometimes life sucks and the worst feeling is when you outgrow your friends. The way he's acting is find for 12-18 year olds but if he's 25+ obviously other things take precedence in life. Nothing is wrong with playing a game, but like this? No way.
 
Hylian

Hylian

Take your weapon. Strike him down with all of your hatred and your journey towards the dark side will be complete!
 
strawman

strawman

If you believe the following two things, then you should talk to him about it:

- If he changed in moderate ways, you would still want to be friends with him.
- He is not only capable of change, but is willing and able once he learns that he needs to change.

If you don't believe both of the above then the only thing you'll accomplish by telling him that you don't want to hang out more is hurt his feelings. He's a child, he's not interested in the truth, and whatever you say probably won't matter, unless you think he's capable of change.

If you were being honest with yourself, though, you know that if you truly thought he was a good friend, you'd have been calling him on his BS all this time, and kicking him around telling him to stand up and get with the program, or get left behind.

Given that he's not the kind of friend you felt you could say, "Dude, you're being an idiot. Grow up." then why do you think that saying anything now would help?

Stop making time for him. His priority in your life is lower than you washing your clothes and doing the dishes, and there's always dishes and clothes to be washed, so you can always state with confidence, "Sorry, I have to deal with stuff, and don't know when I'll be able to visit with you."

If, however, you feel compelled to continue to be friends with him, drag him kicking and screaming into the real world and introduce him to activities that will hopefully get him more friends. If he wants to meet, fine - he can come with you to some local artists collective, or gaming center, etc. See if you can find something both of you will be interested in, but regardless make it a place where other people congregate. Make him work for your friendship in a way that will pull him out of his self imposed hermitage. If it works out, he will dump you because he'll find someone else that meets his friend needs even better.

This has the double benefit of severing the relationship if he's unwilling to meet on your terms.
 
Tress

Tress

First Lady Puffinstuff said:
If you believe the following two things, then you should talk to him about it:

- If he changed in moderate ways, you would still want to be friends with him.
- He is not only capable of change, but is willing and able once he learns that he needs to change.

If you don't believe both of the above then the only thing you'll accomplish by telling him that you don't want to hang out more is hurt his feelings. He's a child, he's not interested in the truth, and whatever you say probably won't matter, unless you think he's capable of change.
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I'm not sure about the first, but I don't have any faith in the second. I don't think he's capable of change. My original thought was the same as yours, in that confronting him would only serve to hurt his feelings.

If you were being honest with yourself, though, you know that if you truly thought he was a good friend, you'd have been calling him on his BS all this time, and kicking him around telling him to stand up and get with the program, or get left behind.

Given that he's not the kind of friend you felt you could say, "Dude, you're being an idiot. Grow up." then why do you think that saying anything now would help?
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Sadly, I've tried. I've been trying for a while. The latest example comes from the last conversation (the one that broke the camel's back, so to speak). He asked if I wanted to go out, and I told him I had plans. He immediately asked "what's her name?", deciding that a love interest would be the only thing that would keep me busy. I told him there wasn't anyone, don't worry about it, etc. He replied with "Oh, you should try to get with [female friend of mine]. She looks fuckin' fine." I laughed and said no, and he responded with a mini-rant about how I never "tell him when I get my dick wet" and how when I get some I need to share all the graphic details with him. I told him to stop because he was being a jackass. I also pointed out that his wife wouldn't be too happy about hearing him talk like that. He just laughed.

That was right about when I realized I was wasting my time, and things were never going to get better.

Stop making time for him. His priority in your life is lower than you washing your clothes and doing the dishes, and there's always dishes and clothes to be washed, so you can always state with confidence, "Sorry, I have to deal with stuff, and don't know when I'll be able to visit with you."
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I agree with what you've said, and what pretty much everyone else in this thread has suggested. I'm just going to ignore his calls until he gets the message.
 
Tress

Tress

Iaculus said:
Mother of Odin, he's married?
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He met his wife on WoW about a year and a half ago. They talked online for a few months, then she moved in from another state to live with him. They got married less than a year ago. I could be projecting, but sometimes when I talk to her I get the impression she's starting to feel some regret.
 
J

Jiarn

Just an interesting side note, almost every married couple I know that met on Everquest or Ultima Online are still happily married today 5-9 years later. Most WoW couples I've met have gone through 2-3 of said type of meetings, with a very small minority of them having found lasting happiness past 2yrs.
 
Math242

Math242

well, i would tell him flatly that he's a moron and i've lost enough time with him as it is.

been there done that... But i'm a blunt and insensitive bastard
 
Dave

Dave

Staff member
You could always try the tactful way that works well on paper but usually doesn't translate well...I'll call him "Jim".

"Jim, I realize that lately I've been getting more and more distant. I finally realized that I was avoiding you unconsciously and I've really thought about why I've been doing this.

In the last few years you've really changed. Your whole focus on life is games and gaming and I'm just not in that world any longer. I value our friendship but fear that we have grown too far apart. Frankly, the way you've been treating me and everyone else has been making more and more uncomfortable of late and I fear that you are alienating those around you. I don't want to see you alone and miserable but if you continue your destructive ways I see this as a possibility.

I want to be your friend and I want you to be happy. But right now unless things change I don't see it happening that way."


Or something like that. More than likely he's going to be hurt and sever all contact, but in doing so it's HIS choice. You can go on your merry way knowing you tried to help and in the end it's best he hears the truth.
 
Tress

Tress

Sooooo, quick update:

The guy wouldn't take a hint and kept calling, so I felt like I needed to change tactics. I agreed to meet up and mentioned that I wanted to talk to him about something. Using Dave's excellent advice, I explained how frustrated I was and gave him specific reasons why. He took it better than I expected. He's typically very sensitive to criticism, so I imagined he would get upset. He didn't. Rather, he told me he didn't realize he was doing this things and said he would try to change his behavior. I asked him to avoid juvenile frat boy crap like obsessing over other people's sex lives, try to shake his obsession with WoW (or at least not talk about it constantly), and to be a little more considerate of people around him. So, we'll see how this goes.

In the end I decided this approach is better than just cutting him off without explanation. Like some of you pointed out, this way he at least is made aware of things and has a chance to change if he chooses. And, if things don't improve... well, I warned him. He can't act surprised if I don't feel like hanging out anymore.

Thanks everyone!
 
Mathias

Mathias

Tress said:
So, I'm stuck on something. I have this "friend" from high school. I use quotes because I'm 100% certain that if we didn't have a long history I wouldn't give this guy the time of day.

When we first met in high school we were both playing the same sports, were in the same classes, had the same group of friends, and had the same interests (sci-fi movies, anime, video games, etc.) Everything was fine for years, until about halfway through college. Over the last 7 years or so he has gradually alienated all of his friends to the point where I'm the only one left. It's as though he stopped growing up. He still has a juvenile sense of humor, only he's gotten more obnoxious (or maybe it just seems so as I've gotten older). His free time is now completely devoted to video games to the point where it is the only thing he talks about. He has no interests outside of WoW or whatever the latest popular game is for the 360. This means that when we meet up all he wants to talk about is his last raid or the stats for whatever piece of loot he picked up, despite the fact that I know nothing about WoW and don't like it. He's rude, he's not very bright, he's... well, you get the idea. Increasingly I find myself pissed off at things he says or does (such as mooching off me at meals, insulting my friends, talking about women like they're objects, and so on).

I'm tired of it.

Here's my dilemma: what's the right thing to do? Should I ignore his calls and just sever contact? Should I explain to him how I feel and why I don't want to hang out anymore? Should I lie and make up another excuse? Should I just be a nice guy and put up with his antics, even though he pisses me off all the time? I've gotten a different answer from each person I've asked offline, so now I turn to all of you.
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There is nothing more boring in this life than someone talking about WoW raiding and loot.
 
Adam

Adam

Mathias said:
There is nothing more boring in this life than someone talking about WoW raiding and loot.
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I don't know about that. At least I can understand the context of WoW loot and raiding. Try listening to people talk about Warhammer or the little plastic metal toys on big maps (whatever the fuck that is) for hours on end.
 
Mathias

Mathias

Have you ever listened to someone describe a Molten Core raid?

I told the guy to shut up about 10 minutes into it...
 
C

Chibibar

It is only interesting when a group of people love doing it. I have friends over 30 talk about it (play of different server and such) but they know that I don't raid anymore OR play WoW :) so they know not to talk to me about it since I am not up to date with the latest raid changes and instances.
 
Adam

Adam

Mathias said:
Have you ever listened to someone describe a Molten Core raid?

I told the guy to shut up about 10 minutes into it...
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I only ever told people on my guild's Vent to stop talking about WoW. While playing WoW. I think I missed the point of Vent.
 
strawman

strawman

It's not different than talking about something else that interests you. The problem is not that they are talking about a certain subject, the problem is that they aren't able to gauge their audience's level of interest, and they talk about any one thing longer than is interesting.

Of course, if the audience never gives feedback, or takes the conversation in another direction, then there's no easy way for the person to know that they're being impolite.
 
Mathias

Mathias

It's not specific to just the WoW guys. I can't stand it when people start to drone on about sports stats and hypothetical trades and worries about the team standings. There's a squirrelly guy I ride the train with, and he will literally bore my skull off about the Pittsburgh Penguins. Look, man, I'm a fan, but if they don't win the Stanley Cup it's not the end of the fucking world...

I guess I just hate small talk that lasts for more than 2 minutes.
 
Mathias

Mathias

First Lady Puffinstuff said:
You'd be all over that if it was a guy on the train talking about his jeep.
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I have my limits to conversation. I can only talk to someone for so long about the same topic before we get into circles (kinda like the loop we're starting now). And no, I hate it when Jeep guys start reciting the tech specs of their Dana 44 axles...
 
Adam

Adam

  • Ring Gear measures 8.5 inches (216 mm)
  • OEM Inner axle shaft spline counts are 10, 19, 30, 32, 33 and 35
  • Pinion shaft diameter: 1.375"
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  • Gear ratios range from 2.72:1 to 5.89:1
  • Carrier break: 2.72:1 - 3.73:1 and 3.92 - 5.89:1
  • Axle Shaft diameter
    • 1.18” Front (30 Spline)
    • 1.18” Rear (30 Spline)
  • Axle spline diameter
    • 1.31” Front (30 Spline)
    • 1.31” Rear (30 Spline)
 
C

Chibibar

I think it is also location/demographics. Most sports have local fans (usually a lot more in an area) than say gamers (I am totally guessing here)
So, how many WoW players (12 millions right?) vs how many Football fans? (how many watch the superbowl or regular game?20 million? 50 millions?)
But you are right, a person talking about their favorite pass time (MMORPG, sports, cars, snails etc) should learn the ability and gauge their audience. If someone seems disinterest, switch to a different topic or stop talking :)
 
Tress

Tress

When he gets into "WoW Mode" he's completely obsessed. I've tried various strategies to no avail. For example, I often try to change the subject to news/social news/movies/whatever. He sits there quietly until I finish talking, waits a moment, then he'll go right back into his WoW conversation like he didn't hear a thing I said. Example:

Him: So the other day my guild and I blah blah blah...
Me: Wow. That sounds like something out of [insert movie title here]. It's like when...
Him: *long pause* So yeah, when I realized that the pally was using [sword] I told him to blah blah blah...

It gets annoying. He WILL NOT get off the subject, even when I flat out tell him I have no idea what he's talking about. He just think that means he needs to speak slower.

Hopefully he'll stop going into WoW mode altogether.
 
Adam

Adam

Oh god. I just popped into The Source for a new switch for my network. I'm passingly familiar with most of the guys that work there, and one of them is a friend of my sisters so I know him fairly well. They're okay.

The problem was the Zellers dude who works in home entertainment ended up in there too. Talking about how awesome his Gentoo install is (Even though it's broken right now) and how Google has the best code, Apple has the best code, and Microsoft sucks. Just going on and on and on about computers; everyone tried to walk away but he just kept talking louder.

And all I could do was think about this thread :(
 
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