What should I do?

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M

Mary Jane

My boyfriend bought an old custom built Cherokee for way too much a few months ago. Of course, two weeks later it was having problems and last month it totally broke down. Since then he has put another $2,500 in it and totally rebuilt the engine and did a lot of work on it. He has and will do all the labor himself as he refuses to pay for labor. He spends all his spare time fixing the damned thing instead of spending it with me. Friday he found out that the motor needs to be taken back out and fixed again and is looking at another few hundred in repairs.

I said he should just sell it and wipe his hands clean from this failed project but he says no.

What should he do? What should I do?
 
W

Wasabi Poptart

Why is this Jeep so important to him that he would spend a lot of time and money on it? Is it sentimental? Something he has always wanted? You said he's doing the work himself, so does he have something to prove by fixing up this Cherokee?

What you should do is talk to him about spending some time together as a couple. Be subtle, but direct - "You know, you've been working so hard on the Jeep. You deserve a break and I'd like to spend some time with you alone". Suggest a date night.
 
J

Jiarn

Why do women think "subtle" is a good answer? I've never understood that. It's one of the reasons the words "mind games" are used to much to describe trying to figure out what's wrong with a woman.
 
Cajungal

Cajungal

Staff member
Probably because we can't freaking win sometimes. If we try to be delicate, we're playing games. If we're forthright, we're bitchy or naggy. I see what Wasabi's saying, even though it might not be what I would do. I know that there are plenty of people who are completely honest all the time, but most people will admit to speaking "around" an issue in order to preserve feelings or not cause trouble where there doesn't need to be any. I don't believe most people who deny doing this in their own lives.

My opinion is that, depending on yall's exact situation, it might not even be your concern (money-wise). Are you living together and sharing expenses? If not, then it's his money and his concern. You certainly have the right to ask why this is so important to him and even try to be a part of it. Learning why this is so important might help open up a constructive dialogue. He might not even realize that you feel neglected. If it were me (and it has been), I'd use this time to enjoy some interests of my own and catch up with friends and relatives.
 
J

Jiarn

Well I'm sure that some guys would see it as bitchy or naggy, but that's 100x better than hiding your feelings, then later getting upset that we didn't "figure it out". Also, if he calls you bitchy or naggy, it's usually because you're right and the guy doesn't want to admit he's doing wrong so he uses it as a defense.
 
Cajungal

Cajungal

Staff member
Getting mad that he didn't "figure something out" doesn't enter into it 99.99% of the time when you're dealing with a decent woman. That's the whole point. It's about accepting that not everything needs to be said and understanding that he and others in your life have probably extended the same courtesy--hopefully not when it's truly important. I'm happy to find more palatable ways to communicate my wants and needs than to point out some undesirable behavior. What Wasabi suggested she say isn't deceptive; it's positive, and it's all factual. He has been working hard, and he does deserve a break. Saying she wants to spend some time alone would mean communicating a want without using accusatory language like, "you spend all your time on the Jeep." which, let's face it, might make some people shut down and feel defensive.

Playing games would be sighing and sulking in a corner while looking at facebook and making comments like, "All my friends are going out dancing tonight. I guess they can count us out," or something disgusting like that.
 
J

Jiarn

Cajungal said:
Playing games would be sighing and sulking in a corner while looking at facebook and making comments like, "All my friends are going out dancing tonight. I guess they can count us out," or something disgusting like that.
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No see, that's actually being "bitchy".

Telling a guy exactly what wrong without being subtle about it doesn't enter into being a problem 99.99% of the time when you're dealing with a decent guy.

What Wasabi said WAS deceptive. He would have no idea that she's been bothered by his actions, would figure everything he's done so far is fine because she's actually rewarding him and would continue them straight away after said "break". So it's back to square one.

vs

Telling him, clearly and concisely, without adding any deviations, would solve the problem straight out. If he has reason why he's done it so adamantly, he'll explain himself in that conversation and she won't have to go seek advice from outside said relationship.
 
W

Wasabi Poptart

Jiarn said:
Why do women think "subtle" is a good answer? I've never understood that. It's one of the reasons the words "mind games" are used to much to describe trying to figure out what's wrong with a woman.
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Subtle does not mean you shouldn't get your point across or dance around the subject. This is also why I said to be direct. There is a problem. The problem is not that he wants to work on his Cherokee. The problem is that she is not getting enough attention. Instead of going with a negative approach, go with a positive one. "I'm glad you like working on this Jeep, but I also deserve some of your time." Word it however you want. It sure sounds better than "Hey fucking asshole! Unless you get out of that garage and start spending your time and money on me, the only thing you're going to be fucking is the tailpipe of that piece of shit Cherokee you've been pouring your cash into".
Added at: 23:45
I could always give advice like you'd see in Cosmo.

Mary, you're being needy. The last thing any man wants is for some whinging nag to be on his ass about wanting attention and how he spends his money. Go out with your friends. Get your own hobby. When he's ready he'll come around. If not, screw him. You don't want a lame ass jerk for a boyfriend anyway. I bet his bff is a lot hotter anyway. So get a backbone. Go do your own thing. Let him see you're independent and not willing to wait around. That'll teach him.
 
Dave

Dave

Staff member
I need to know a few things before I render my advice.

  1. You say he is boyfriend and not husband. How long have you been going out? Is it HIS money or YOUR (meaning both of you) money? Do you live together?
  2. Has he rebuilt a car before? Is this something he's learning how to do or is he already good at it? I'd give my left nut to be able to do half of what he's doing!
  3. Does he have any other hobbies? Does he go out drinking with the guys? Play pool/darts/whatever every Friday (or whichever) night? Maybe this is his hobby.
  4. What bothers you so much about this? The money? The fact that he's spending time rebuilding a car and not with you?
Judging by what you put I think your best option would be to set aside a date night. If the money is an issue, let him know that you understand he's been working on the car and how much he loves it, but that you just plain can't afford it. If it's his money and the bills are getting paid, though, there's not much you can do. If money isn't the answer but his spending time with you is, you're going to have to deal with it. He's not going to change. The way I see it is you can either learn to put up with it, find something to do by yourself, work on the car with him (and maybe learn something new in the process) or leave.

The last one is drastic but if you can't deal with it and he won't change...
 
C

Chibibar

I have to support Wasabi and Cajungal on this one. The problem is that people are not ready to have a full open communication (i.e. no "mind games" or "none-subtle") My wife and I have been married for 6 years now and we have been together for 11 years. (living together) That is a good chunk of time, but both of us are "wired" to have open communication and direct talk. We "try" to be subtle and "hint" but most of the time it just doesn't work at least toward me.

Now to Mary Jane's issue.
Without more info from what Dave is asking, I will give some different version of advice.

First scenario - His money, not living together
It is ALL his money and you are living apart (i.e. not together) - You are pretty much helpless at this point. As a general rule, if it is his money (or her the answer can go both way) you, as a SO (significant other but not married) doesn't have much say in the matter. Sure you can suggest, but ultimately, it is the holder of the money's decision. In this case, his decision. The best you can do is support him and maybe even join in OR find alternative activities to do (ladies night out) or something.

Second scenario - his money, living together
Now this is tricky. If the bills are being paid on time and each of you have your own "spending money" or pretty much have separate account or have a situation like: He pays the rent and electricity and you pay for cable, water, food etc etc, from your own personal accounts then you "have" some say but still stuck in scenario one. It is still his money and he can spend on what he wants BUT since you are living together, then you have some leverage in terms of trying to get to spend some time together. A date night like Wasabi suggest would be a great thing. It doesn't have to be subtle and go like "Hey, you have been working hard on that Jeep, lets take a break and go get something to eat" That is usually safe on most levels since people DO eat and people DO need to take a break.

Third scenario - pool money + living together
This is where you would have the most leverage BUT also can be most "dangerous" confrontation (depending on personality) pool money = money are joined either same account or pay for everything together. Even not married, extra money going into a project could hinder both side. Remember the previous scenario is that, it is his money, he can blow it if he wants to, but if it is a pool money, then he can't "blow it" since he has other obligation that you both share. You could suggest scale down the spending for a hobby/project but I don't recommend cutting it out altogether. People need projects and hobbies. Taking that away would be a bad bad thing. Of course if this is your scenario, be prepare for possible confrontation. From the post, it looks like he is REALLY wanting to fix this car. He is willing to spend MORE money to do it instead of selling it and get a new use car.

Now, being married, you would have more leverage since both parties have equal say to the household finances, but just bf/gf generally, you are a spectator at this point.

Exception: now if you are bf/gf living together for a long time (over 7 years) you might be consider "common-law" and that changes thing also :)

that is just my view on the matter. Personally, if it was me (fixing car) and my wife doesn't like it (cause I'm spending too much) she will just tell me and we will discuss it calmly on pros and cons and work it out, but I can tell you "generally" many couple can't quite do that and will go into auto-defense mode if they are threaten.
 
Espy

Espy

Dave nailed it.

I know several guys that make working on cars their hobbies. It's just how they relieve stress, blow off steam, relax, etc. If thats whats going on and its his money... well... tell him to have fun and do what Dave said and set aside 1 night a week for date night. The date night advice was the best advice I got before getting married. It doesn't mean you have to go out and blow 200 bucks every week it just means you get a night to just spend together focused on each other.
 
Dave

Dave

Staff member
My wife and I started something (which we haven't had the money to continue yet!).

We have charted a trip around the world. What we're going to do is go to a restaurant serving the food from where each stop is. So if we have a stop in Greece, we eat Greek food. Also, we order things we've never had and instead of having "my plate" and "her plate" we put it in the middle and share.

So far it's been fun!
 
Espy

Espy

Awesome. We do a date night every Friday night. Other than some random stuff (like if I have a concert) we never let anything get in the way of it. Sometimes we go out but at least half the time we just hang out at home. It's great.
 
J

Jiarn

Chibibar said:
The problem is that people are not ready to have a full open communication (i.e. no "mind games" or "none-subtle") .
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That's so ridiculously sad I don't even know where to begin. I'm sure that's fine if you're dating. Married though? That's just depressing to me.

@Wasabi I'm pretty sure there have been more marriage splits due to "lack of direct communication" than "My wife is naggy". That just seems like common sense.
 
Ravenpoe

Ravenpoe

In this thread, Dave gives great advice, cajun and wasabi give great advice from a female perspective, and Jiarn shows he's jaded as hell.
 
J

Jiarn

Jaded? Hell I'm loving life right now with my relationship. Which is going well due to direct communication where every other one has fallen apart from subtle games. I'm just speaking from experience but thanks for that addition there Ravenpoe, it was really helpful to the point of this thread.
 
C

Chibibar

Jiarn said:
That's so ridiculously sad I don't even know where to begin. I'm sure that's fine if you're dating. Married though? That's just depressing to me.

@Wasabi I'm pretty sure there have been more marriage splits due to "lack of direct communication" than "My wife is naggy". That just seems like common sense.
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I am not saying that my wife and I have this issue, but if you look at the people you know who are married, how many can they really be truly open to each other? I mean, each people do have their little secrets and misgivings, but can you truly be honest with each other?

I can honestly say to my wife if a dress makes her look fat and not get the dog house treatment.
 
J

Jiarn

Oh I know, I meant the people who get married and still play games. I have the same kind of relationship as you Chibibar, if there is anything I'm jaded about is how many people I've seen fall apart because of lack of direct communication.

"My boyfriend left me because he said I never told him that I was keeping all my problems to myself, I totally indirectly told him what was wrong, why couldn't he read my mind and figure it out?!"
 
Jay

Jay

Mary Jane said:
My boyfriend bought an old custom built Cherokee for way too much a few months ago. Of course, two weeks later it was having problems and last month it totally broke down. Since then he has put another $2,500 in it and totally rebuilt the engine and did a lot of work on it. He has and will do all the labor himself as he refuses to pay for labor. He spends all his spare time fixing the damned thing instead of spending it with me. Friday he found out that the motor needs to be taken back out and fixed again and is looking at another few hundred in repairs.

I said he should just sell it and wipe his hands clean from this failed project but he says no.

What should he do? What should I do?
Click to expand...
You want my opinion?

Shut the hell up. You’re not his wife. You’re not paying for the repairs. It’s absolutely none of your business what he does with his Jeep or with his money. I know your type well… first it’s “Sell the Jeep because it’s costing too much money," then it’s “No, you can’t go spend the weekend with your buddies because I need you to take me shopping,” then it’s “Oh gee, honey… I’m pregnant. Gosh, I have no idea how THAT happened.”

Admit it, you’re a DreamKiller. You kill a guy’s dreams, his aspirations, take away his future, tie him down with a fat mortgage and too many babies and turn him into just another miserable guy wondering, “How the hell did I get here?”

Do you really want to help him? Do you? Here’s what you do…

Go to your local library (it’s a big building with books inside, beyond the cooking sections) and check out a couple of books on rebuilding engines. Read them, over and over, until YOU understand what needs to be done then help him get that engine out and rebuild it. Tie your hair back in a ponytail and put on some old jeans and get your hands dirty. Hand him wrenches, hold the light, pull the wire connectors apart, help him get the hood off… help him with anything he needs. When he gets tired, run inside and make him a hot lunch or dinner. Fix him coffee, hot chocolate, a sandwich, whatever he wants. Whatever he needs.

But NO beer. Beer is for when the job is done.

Then when the day is over and you’re both exhausted from working on the engine, push him into a hot shower and jump in with him. Scrub his back, wash his hair, rinse him off and dry him with fluffy towels still hot from the dryer. Then push him into bed and screw his ears off. Then get up the next day and do it all over again.

Rebuilding an engine is a slow and methodical process. Make him realize that every step should be regarded as surgery and every step must be perfect… perfect torque, perfect fit, perfectly clean. If you run into a step that you just can’t figure out, ask for help from someone who knows what he’s doing.

Are you cute? Put on a low-cut top, show some cleavage and go (by yourself) to the local Jeep shop, and explain to the guys that you are helping your boyfriend to rebuild his engine and neither of you can figure out this one little step, and do they have any advice…

Think it won’t work? Think again. We guys love to help cute girls even if they have a boyfriend. (Hey, maybe you’ve got a sister or girlfriend…)

But absolutely DO NOT whine or complain like you just did. Shame on you. Do not say a single negative thing when you'll help him with his dream. Not a single “Oooooo, I broke a nail.” If you break a nail, cut your finger, bang a knuckle, you just shut the hell up and DEAL WITH IT. You should be a hopelessly optomistic, never-say-die cheerleader, encouraging him every step of the way.

But that’s just my opinion.
 
D

Disconnected

that brings a tear to my eye. and that tear is made of joy and laughter.
 
Cajungal

Cajungal

Staff member
Ravenpoe said:
In this thread, Dave gives great advice, cajun and wasabi give great advice from a female perspective, and Jiarn shows he's jaded as hell.
Click to expand...
Thank you. And just for the record, I'm not against being direct; I don't think that saying "Hey, I wish you'd take a break and spend time with me" is a wrong thing to say. It's just that sometimes it's good to gauge how a person is doing at that time and decide the best way to get what you want. It's not like it's only women, either. It's just kind of bewildering to me how hard it is to accept that there's a difference between being non-communicative and knowing when to realize it's not all about you (not a "you" directed at anyone, but a general you) and find a graceful way to handle something relatively small.

And I don't think Jiarn was being jaded at all... we just happen to see something differently. Problem with thinking that Wasabi's post was deceptive is that she said "I want to spend time with you alone." That was getting to the root of it, or at least one of them... it just was using "I" language, not "you" language.
 
Bones

Bones

I don't think whoever that was really wanted to see what they got from all of you magnificence human beings.
 
Mathias

Mathias

Jay said:
You want my opinion?

Shut the hell up. You’re not his wife. You’re not paying for the repairs. It’s absolutely none of your business what he does with his Jeep or with his money. I know your type well… first it’s “Sell the Jeep because it’s costing too much money," then it’s “No, you can’t go spend the weekend with your buddies because I need you to take me shopping,” then it’s “Oh gee, honey… I’m pregnant. Gosh, I have no idea how THAT happened.”

Admit it, you’re a DreamKiller. You kill a guy’s dreams, his aspirations, take away his future, tie him down with a fat mortgage and too many babies and turn him into just another miserable guy wondering, “How the hell did I get here?”

Do you really want to help him? Do you? Here’s what you do…

Go to your local library (it’s a big building with books inside, beyond the cooking sections) and check out a couple of books on rebuilding engines. Read them, over and over, until YOU understand what needs to be done then help him get that engine out and rebuild it. Tie your hair back in a ponytail and put on some old jeans and get your hands dirty. Hand him wrenches, hold the light, pull the wire connectors apart, help him get the hood off… help him with anything he needs. When he gets tired, run inside and make him a hot lunch or dinner. Fix him coffee, hot chocolate, a sandwich, whatever he wants. Whatever he needs.

But NO beer. Beer is for when the job is done.

Then when the day is over and you’re both exhausted from working on the engine, push him into a hot shower and jump in with him. Scrub his back, wash his hair, rinse him off and dry him with fluffy towels still hot from the dryer. Then push him into bed and screw his ears off. Then get up the next day and do it all over again.

Rebuilding an engine is a slow and methodical process. Make him realize that every step should be regarded as surgery and every step must be perfect… perfect torque, perfect fit, perfectly clean. If you run into a step that you just can’t figure out, ask for help from someone who knows what he’s doing.

Are you cute? Put on a low-cut top, show some cleavage and go (by yourself) to the local Jeep shop, and explain to the guys that you are helping your boyfriend to rebuild his engine and neither of you can figure out this one little step, and do they have any advice…

Think it won’t work? Think again. We guys love to help cute girls even if they have a boyfriend. (Hey, maybe you’ve got a sister or girlfriend…)

But absolutely DO NOT whine or complain like you just did. Shame on you. Do not say a single negative thing when you'll help him with his dream. Not a single “Oooooo, I broke a nail.” If you break a nail, cut your finger, bang a knuckle, you just shut the hell up and DEAL WITH IT. You should be a hopelessly optomistic, never-say-die cheerleader, encouraging him every step of the way.

But that’s just my opinion.
Click to expand...
I fuckin love you, dawg.

 
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