The General Joke/One-Liners Thread

Celt Z

Celt Z

I think I'm giggling harder at the fact Halforums won't let you tell the joke. All our attempts at jokes are filtered through the AJGLU-3000.
 
bhamv3

bhamv3

I want to go back to the filter turning everything to "smurf".

"What the smurf, you smurf-sucking smurf smurfing pile of smurf?"
 
PatrThom

PatrThom

fade said:
Or turn a random selection of verbs into "fuck".
Click to expand...
George Carlin already sorta did that.
It would be nice to change the movies that we already have and substitute the word "fuck" for the word "kill," wherever we could, and some of those movie cliches would change a little bit. Mad fucker still on the loose. "Stop me before I fuck again." Fuck the ump, fuck the ump, fuck the ump, fuck the ump, fuck the ump. Easy on the clutch Bill, you'll fuck that engine again.

...and it was hilarious!
--Patrick
 
Chad Sexington

Chad Sexington

bhamv3 said:
I want to go back to the filter turning everything to "smurf".

"What the smurf, you smurf-sucking smurf smurfing pile of smurf?"
Click to expand...
This is like 'bleeping,' which is frequently even more hilarious than hearing the actual curse. And then of course, there's unnecessary bleeping:


This video never fails to leave me in hysterics
 
fade

fade

Staff member
Did you ever see Jimmy Kimmel's Unnecessary Censorship bit? He does it fairly regularly, and it's always funny.
 
GasBandit

GasBandit

Staff member
Oh did I miss the dead baby jokes part? Well here are some more.

What's the difference between a truckload of dead babies and a truckload of bowling balls?

You can't unload the bowling balls with a pitchfork.

Why would you do such a thing?

So you can tell which ones are still alive.

How many babies does it take to shingle a roof?

Depends on how thin you slice them.

How many babies does it take to paint a house?

Depends on how hard you throw them.

What's noisy as hell while rubbing on the glass?

A baby in a microwave

How do you get 10 babies in a bucket?

With a blender.

How do you get them out again?

Tortilla chips.

What does a blind, deaf, quadriplegic baby get for christmas?

Cancer.
 
Terrik

Terrik

I feel pretty awful for laughing...but probably not as awful as those babies feel. If they could feel, anymore.
 
sixpackshaker

sixpackshaker

"Well, son, now that you're a father yourself, it's time you had your own copy of this." "Dad, you don't mean…" He unwrapped his new copy of 1,001 Dad Jokes. "Dad. I don't know what to say -- I'm honored." "Hi, Honored. I'm Dad!"
 
Zappit

Zappit

Staff member
Anyone ever hear about the controversy over the Titanic's dinner menu? Apparently, there was a lot of disappointment over the Romaine blend salad, but the Iceberg was a big hit.
 
aaronmocksing

aaronmocksing

One of my favorite's was Q's corny joke to Spock, from the 'Spock vs. Q' CD I checked out from the library.

Q: What did the zen master say to the hotdog vendor? One, with everything!

Spock: :facepalm:
 
Null

Null

Two Russian soldiers are on patrol in the woods when they get attacked by a bear. They manage to drive the bear off, but one of the soldiers was severely mauled. His partner radios back to base. "Help! We were attacked by a bear and my parter is badly wounded. I don't know what to do!" The officer back at base replies, "Alright, calm down, we'll walk you through this. First, make sure if your partner's dead." Over the radio they hear a gunshot. "Okay, now what?"
 
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