The General Joke/One-Liners Thread

Zappit

Staff member
Because we shouldn't have to wait for our best quips and jokes. Fire away here.

What do you call 16 white kids filling out college applications?

One whole Cherokee.
 
A monk, a priest, and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender looks up says, "What is this, a joke?"

A baby seal walks into a club . . .
. . . thank you.
 

Zappit

Staff member
I worked at a leper colony once. The old, "Pull my finger" joke is A LOT different out there.
 
Some muffins are baking in an oven, when a muffin turns to it's neighbor and says, "Whew! Is it getting hot in here, or is it just me?" and the neighbor replies, "Holy shit, a talking muffin!!"


(sorry, that's one of my favorites.)
 
A pair of _____________ are driving along the road when they come across a police road block.

They stop the car and the officer inspects them and their car and says "Sorry we're looking for a pair of ____________. "

So they look at each other and tell the officer, "Well, we're not busy right now."
 
B

BErt

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

...he worked it out with a pencil.
 
From the library of "jokes to offend everyone"

warning, offensive

If you rape with a hooker against her will, is it rape or shoplifting?
 
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Last night, I dreamt I was a muffler.

I woke up exhausted.

.......................

And in honour of Talking Like a Pirate Day:

What's a pirates favourite type of sock?

ARRRRRR-gyle!
 
A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel on his genitals. The bartender says, "Sir, you have a ship's wheel on your genitals."

The pirate responds, "Aye! It's driving me nuts!"
 
A penguin brings his car into the shop to get it repaired. The mechanic asked for an hour to diagnose what is wrong with the car, and asked the penguin to wait in the office. Well the penguin got bored and noticed that there was an ice cream shop across the street. Since penguins love ice cream so much he just had to get some.

He just really dove into that scoop of vanilla, and ended up getting it all over his beak. Because he has such short wings, he could not wipe it off. So he goes back to the mechanic's.

As the little penguin entered the repair bay the mechanic called out, "Hey buddy, looks like you blew a seal."

Then the penguin replied, "No, this is just a little ice cream."
 

Cajungal

Staff member
So this guy was walking down the street, and he ran into this man with dirty clothes, a hard hat, and a pickaxe. I'll get to the joke; those are just the miner details.
 
Two cows are grazing in a field. One looks to the other and says "man did you hear about all this Mad Cow Disease nonsense?"

The second cow turns and says, "yeah, but it doesn't concern me, I'm a helicopter."[DOUBLEPOST=1412566734,1412566701][/DOUBLEPOST]Don't you hate when a sentence doesn't end the way it octopus?
 
Two businessmen are talking over lunch, and one of them starts discussing his recent trip to Thailand. "So it's about 2am, I'm completely wasted, on the bus going who knows where, when I make eye contact with this really hot chick. I'm checking her out, she's checking me back out. So I start thinking, 'Don't get an erection, don't get an erection, don't get an erection." "So then what happened?" "Unfortunately, she did."
 
Have you heard of the jewish Catch-22? Free ham![DOUBLEPOST=1412700356,1412700257][/DOUBLEPOST]What do you call three black men hanging from a tree? A good start!
 

Dave

Staff member
Did you hear about the tragedy of the SJW bus that drove off a cliff? There were three empty seats.
 
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