Dave
Staff member
He.[DOUBLEPOST=1404922625,1404922554][/DOUBLEPOST]https://www.facebook.com/david.nihsen
Check it out. It's open to everyone.
Check it out. It's open to everyone.
Rant VIII: The Reckoning
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I lost it when he ran out of arguments and called you on your spelling.
Just had to let a guy go in my department.
I like the guy and have no issues with his work. It's purely a budget tightening decision from the top. It sucks.
I like the guy and have no issues with his work. It's purely a budget tightening decision from the top. It sucks.
Dave
Staff member
It's why I hated being the boss. Sometimes it's great but sometimes it sucks.
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Well, that unexpected quickly.
I imagine you spent some time yelling at the maquette.
I hope both of you make it through this in one piece.
--Patrick
Um, you know she passed away earlier this year?
GB is quite inquisitive and analytic. I'm hoping that he's diving too deep into something that is actually quite innocent. A guy can hope.
I feel like a jerk writing this, but here goes.
tl;dr
My in-laws are staying with us and I am pissed off all the time.
My in-laws have stayed with us for nearly 6 months. They leave in a few weeks to go back overseas. They have stayed with us this long so that we could postpone putting our child in daycare as long as possible. I am very grateful for them taking care of our baby. They love her very much and she is fond of them. I made the mistake of not setting some boundaries before they came. I really should have. I am now feeling so extraordinarily angry at them. Every little thing they do pisses me off.
-Left the sponge in the sink = pissed off
-Closes door too loudly = pissed off
-Smacks food when eating = pissed off
-etc
I am not very good at confrontations. I usually just explode with anger. I have not yet yelled at them, but I have been a cold SOB. Giving one word answers; not engaging in any sort of conversation - you know, typical passive-aggressive shit.
They honestly haven't done anything to warrant such a response from me. I feel messed up about this. I apologized to them about a month ago for all that stuff, and things got better (for me) for about 3 weeks, and then I was back to it again.
Let me give a couple of instances that really set me off.
1. I was holding the baby and she was chewing on a wooden coaster. She was in no immediate danger, but they told me to not let her do that. I said she is fine, but they persisted. I got up and left the room. I know a coaster is not the best chew toy, but it isn't going to kill or hurt her. I was going to distract her with something else and then take it away, but their comments pissed me off.
2. It was a busy weekend, and I was doing a bunch of stuff and watching the baby while my wife showered. One rule we finally set down was that the weekends are OUR time with the baby. I needed to pull something out of the oven so I put the kiddo in a playpen in our bedroom and went to the kitchen. When I came back, my mother-in-law had taken the baby to her room, and said the baby was by herself. I said I KNOW!! Give me the baby! I took the baby and slammed the bedroom door.
Why am I such a dick? I feel like complete shit. It has strained my relationship with my wife. She's on my side about these things, but thinks my anger is way too much and that my cold-war tactics are assholish. While I agree, I don't know what to do about it.
Should I go get some anger management or therapy?
-Left the sponge in the sink = pissed off
-Closes door too loudly = pissed off
-Smacks food when eating = pissed off
-etc
I am not very good at confrontations. I usually just explode with anger. I have not yet yelled at them, but I have been a cold SOB. Giving one word answers; not engaging in any sort of conversation - you know, typical passive-aggressive shit.
They honestly haven't done anything to warrant such a response from me. I feel messed up about this. I apologized to them about a month ago for all that stuff, and things got better (for me) for about 3 weeks, and then I was back to it again.
Let me give a couple of instances that really set me off.
1. I was holding the baby and she was chewing on a wooden coaster. She was in no immediate danger, but they told me to not let her do that. I said she is fine, but they persisted. I got up and left the room. I know a coaster is not the best chew toy, but it isn't going to kill or hurt her. I was going to distract her with something else and then take it away, but their comments pissed me off.
2. It was a busy weekend, and I was doing a bunch of stuff and watching the baby while my wife showered. One rule we finally set down was that the weekends are OUR time with the baby. I needed to pull something out of the oven so I put the kiddo in a playpen in our bedroom and went to the kitchen. When I came back, my mother-in-law had taken the baby to her room, and said the baby was by herself. I said I KNOW!! Give me the baby! I took the baby and slammed the bedroom door.
Why am I such a dick? I feel like complete shit. It has strained my relationship with my wife. She's on my side about these things, but thinks my anger is way too much and that my cold-war tactics are assholish. While I agree, I don't know what to do about it.
Should I go get some anger management or therapy?
tl;dr
My in-laws are staying with us and I am pissed off all the time.
GasBandit
Staff member
I wish it was just me reading too much into something innocent, but it's not. It's very very VERY not. Her best friend let something slip which turned out to be the loose thread that unraveled the whole sweater of lies. For more or less the entirety of our relationship, she'd still also been seeing a man who I thought was an ex, and did a pretty incredible job of covering it up. Well, maybe not so incredible. I always tried not to press her too hard on certain subjects because of her past, and I was very patient and accomodating of oddities that I see now should have been GIANT FUCKING RED FLAGS, but silly me, I was just trying to be loving and supportive and it never occurred to me that she, with all her jealous insecurities and semi-regular accusations of infidelity might actually be the one two-timing.
There was a hole in my heart when she died, and now there's one in my back as well. I wasn't sure the former would ever heal, but now I'm filling both of them with concrete. When it sets, I'm moving on. I'm posthumously dumping her. All her stuff is going away. But not the aforementioned maquette I had printed up. I think I'll keep that somewhere, as a reminder that "trust but verify" has no exceptions.
Holy Mary, Mother of God...
Gas, Compadre, sorry is not enough, this is the kind of thing that should only happen on a bad tv drama.
be well buddy, we are all pulling for you.
fade
Staff member
This was an awesome sentence. Not to seem callous.
Cajungal
Staff member
@drawn_inward I don't have kids, but I do get to watch my sister and sister-in-law struggle with boundaries involving their child. That's a long time to stay with in-laws, and it's something to keep in mind for the future. Do you find yourself treating others this way, or was this more isolated?
My mother in law is really a depressed and depressing person. Has nothing at home to fulfill her and has no say to identify herself without a child or grandchild nearby. My sis - in-law has practically snarled at her for undermining her parenting. "Well *my* boys were never on a sleep schedule and they turned out fine, etc etc..." Watching parents interact with grandparents can be downright painful.
My mother in law is really a depressed and depressing person. Has nothing at home to fulfill her and has no say to identify herself without a child or grandchild nearby. My sis - in-law has practically snarled at her for undermining her parenting. "Well *my* boys were never on a sleep schedule and they turned out fine, etc etc..." Watching parents interact with grandparents can be downright painful.
I'm so sorry, Gas. When we love somebody, we try to think the best of them, even when the little alarm in our heads is telling us we shouldn't. I've done it, and I'm sure most people on this board have done it at least once. I hope this doesn't sour you on potential relationships in the future. You deserve to be happy again.
Counseling could help you cope better during future visits, but my take on what you've said is that you see your in-laws as taking over or their presence is bringing out insecurities you have about your home, relationship, or parenting ability. I think it happens quite often to most people. I'm that way with my own parents for a number of reasons. They stayed here for only 2 weeks and I was ready to stick them in a large catapult that would propel them to NJ almost instantly. I think 6 months is a long time to have house guests who may be set in their own way of how things are done. There is a saying about fish and visitors. Both start to smell after a few days. Again, do I think you need counseling? Not necessarily, but I do think it could give you some options for how to deal with this situation, or ones like it, if the time comes again.
I definitely think that it has to do with a feeling of lost control. I am quite independent, and absolutely don't like being told what to do in my own house. I feel like I am in junior high again. I should bust out my punk rock music.
I can be a bit passive-aggressive at times. Though when I look up the psychological definition, I don't think that I am. However, there's no "I" in "denial". I am definitely a "cold-shoulder" kind of person.
Cajungal
Staff member
Yeah it sounds like you can articulate what went wrong (not setting more boundaries) and just kind of got to the end of your rope. If you can address past mistakes and admit to not handling something as well as you should, that itself is a sign that you're probably more on the healthy side than some. Everyone deals with stress in different ways.
Hugs, man. Serious, totally empathetic cyber hugs.
You know what I'd be tempted to do? That big monument you made in her honour on Minecraft? Well, I've never played the game so I don't know if this is possible, but...
Create and set dynamite all over it and BLOW IT THE FUCK UP. It'd be cathartic to me after finding out this news. I know you put a lot of work and heart into it, but it might actually be cathartic.
(And if you do, take pics or video if possible because that would be a glorious video.)
GasBandit
Staff member
I'll be honest, the thought crossed my mind. But I decided not to, it'd feel a little too much like kicking over a tombstone. I'm just metaphorically walking away.
Ok, I've gotten some feedback (both private and public) about this post, and I don't get it. Or maybe I do.
So let's break out the keyboard for a bit:
Before anyone (anyone!) starts thinking that I know not what I'm about, let me say that I write this as someone who has been abandoned. Abandoned by a woman who abandoned her previous to be with me, and who eventually abandoned me to be with someone else (and who then abandoned that someone else to move on to even greener pastures, who'd-a thunk?). Not for a full 15 years' time, but certainly through plenty of hardship, success, and struggle. We had our issues (of course. Who doesn't?), but we powered through them as best we could. Unfortunately, when she found she was about to face music that I had no part in composing, rather than ask me to stand by her side, she instead decided to pack up her* belongings and flee. I came home from work that day to a noticeably-emptier-than-usual house. I had been getting phone calls at work (not from her) that suggested something was up (because they kept calling to ask me what was up**), so I can't say I was totally unprepared, just that I was mighty disappointed. Oh, and she came back with a moving van some months later to get the rest of her things that she'd forgotten/wasn't able to fit in her car, and even brought the new guy to help. I even helped load the van, too.
Why?
Well, that's why I say what I said above. Y'see, I still liked her. Heck, I still like her now. What affection and love I had for her has not in any way diminished since before she decided to run off. She did some things that made me mad, sure. She betrayed me and even brought the object of her betrayal back with her on her return trip (he looked uncomfortable with this, btw), but she was still the exact same person she had been a month before all this went down, and I liked that person well enough, so why shouldn't I continue to like her afterwards? The person in front of me that I liked was the person in front of me en toto, and what was going on 'behind the scenes' was utterly immaterial and irrelevant to that. Of course there are certain things I'll never be able to do with her again (trust what she says, for instance), but I don't see why that wouldn't preclude me from having civil conversation with her, correspondence with her (not that she's written, she still owes me money), or just in general enjoying the memories of the good times we'd had together. Sure, it's highly unlikely we would ever be able to talk about books/movies/shows together, or laugh together at a restaurant over dinner about "the good ole days," but I'm not going to beat myself up worrying about whether it was my inadequacies or hers that caused the whole situation. It was her choice and she will therefore have to deal with the results, but I'm under no kind of obligation to just plow under all my previous happiness and salt the fields with rage just because of what she did.
I'm nowhere near done detailing my credentials explaining why I feel justified saying what I've said, btw. I'm just out of time at the moment and going into more detail would involve revealing more than I should about people y'all don't even know anyway, so you'll just have to take the word of a guy who is probably more honest about most things than he really needs to be that I know what I'm talking about. Rage is appropriate, and often automatic, but destruction, desolation, and dissolution don't need to be. When there's a hole in your heart, there's a vacuum that begs to be filled, but it's not like it needs to be filled with bitter vituperation. I'd rather pack it with all the memories associated with that hole's creation that I want to remember and let it be a museum of that time period in my life.
*Mostly her.
**She was supposed to be a maid of honor at someone else's wedding coming up. Plans changed.
Why?
Well, that's why I say what I said above. Y'see, I still liked her. Heck, I still like her now. What affection and love I had for her has not in any way diminished since before she decided to run off. She did some things that made me mad, sure. She betrayed me and even brought the object of her betrayal back with her on her return trip (he looked uncomfortable with this, btw), but she was still the exact same person she had been a month before all this went down, and I liked that person well enough, so why shouldn't I continue to like her afterwards? The person in front of me that I liked was the person in front of me en toto, and what was going on 'behind the scenes' was utterly immaterial and irrelevant to that. Of course there are certain things I'll never be able to do with her again (trust what she says, for instance), but I don't see why that wouldn't preclude me from having civil conversation with her, correspondence with her (not that she's written, she still owes me money), or just in general enjoying the memories of the good times we'd had together. Sure, it's highly unlikely we would ever be able to talk about books/movies/shows together, or laugh together at a restaurant over dinner about "the good ole days," but I'm not going to beat myself up worrying about whether it was my inadequacies or hers that caused the whole situation. It was her choice and she will therefore have to deal with the results, but I'm under no kind of obligation to just plow under all my previous happiness and salt the fields with rage just because of what she did.
I'm nowhere near done detailing my credentials explaining why I feel justified saying what I've said, btw. I'm just out of time at the moment and going into more detail would involve revealing more than I should about people y'all don't even know anyway, so you'll just have to take the word of a guy who is probably more honest about most things than he really needs to be that I know what I'm talking about. Rage is appropriate, and often automatic, but destruction, desolation, and dissolution don't need to be. When there's a hole in your heart, there's a vacuum that begs to be filled, but it's not like it needs to be filled with bitter vituperation. I'd rather pack it with all the memories associated with that hole's creation that I want to remember and let it be a museum of that time period in my life.
*Mostly her.
**She was supposed to be a maid of honor at someone else's wedding coming up. Plans changed.
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I don't know what a maquette is; I just thought you weren't informed, not that you couldn't understand.
I don't feel like I'm being attacked over my comment, really. I just wanted to assert my credibility (and my viewpoint). I've already established that my worldview is ... interesting.
I thought about linking the definition in my original post, but then guessed enough people here would be used to the term. Next time I'll go with my gut.
--Patrick
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I wish I could move my rant to the minor rant thread.
Sweet mercy GB. I honestly shed tears over your loss and I don't in any way know you IRL. Sorry buddy. I keep trying to come up with something to say about the current news, but I've got nothing. Fuck man.
Sweet mercy GB. I honestly shed tears over your loss and I don't in any way know you IRL. Sorry buddy. I keep trying to come up with something to say about the current news, but I've got nothing. Fuck man.
So I transfer money between my checking and savings for my mortgage then on the first I transfer it back so I can pay my house note well on the third I transferred the money back but apparently I selected the wrong account so instead of transferring the money from my savings to my checking I transferred the money from my savings to my moms account this ended up overdrafting me when my mortgage came out and because I wasn't looking at my checking I kept using it until today when I looked and noticed I was negative 584 dollars (280 of which was overdraft fees)so after going to the bank (they refunded half of the overdraft fees) and getting my mom to transfer the money back I'm at around negative 140now this isn't horrible as payday is this coming thursday and I'll be just fine come then, it's annoying and freaked the shit out of me when it happened.
GasBandit
Staff member
Make sure your bank isn't charging you an overdraft fee every day. I know mine would.
No they just charge per transaction (also its a credit union I guess I should have said that instead of bank)
Our old bank charged overdraft fees everyday + every time another negative purchase hit; until a class action lawsuit stopped it.