The following post may be a bit whiny so feel free to ignore it if you so desire.
I have been trying to redefine my life over the past few years and I have made some improvements. I have lost weight, gotten into better shape, learned new skills, started new hobbies, tried to be more outgoing, be more true to myself, etc. But still have no real idea what I want to do with my life. I don't know if this is the best word to describe it but I feel broken. I look at everyone else and they seem so much more together, I know that I am just comparing their best times with my worst times but knowing that doesn't seem to help.
I am 27 and I feel like I should have a better grasp on my life at this point. I have never had a girlfriend and I have only had a couple of dates in my life. I have very few friends and most of the people I hang out with are probably closer to acquaintances than anything else. Half the time I am plagued by the feeling that when they do hang out with me it is more of a sympathy thing than anything else. I try to tell myself that isn't true but the thoughts are usually just lurking in the back of my mind. I feel like a huge part of my problem is that I feel socially inept, I know I am an introvert and I understand that but at the same time I know it shouldn't be inhibiting me this much. As I mentioned earlier I have been trying to be more outgoing but it usually feels like it is all for naught.
The weirdest thing is that I feel like I have two personalities. Most of the time I feel like I am a robot just moving through life trying to understand these strange creatures around me and yet some times I can get super excited over things but usually they are things that no one else seems to share my excitement over. I am also almost always plagued by the feeling that I don't deserve what I have in life and that at any moment everyone is going to realize that and it will all be yanked away. I know it isn't true and I try to push the thoughts out of my mind but like the thoughts about my friends the thoughts are never far away.
I think what really concerns me is that I thought all those changes I have been making would make my life easier. And while they have made some parts easier and I feel more happy than I did several years ago I still feel like I am broken. I feel like I am not functioning as well as everyone else and that either no one else notices because I can put up a strong face or they do realize and I am the friend/coworker who people pity. I don't feel like this all the time and I try my best to keep these thoughts out of my mind but they are never far away and have there way of popping up on me.
Okay that concludes the whining session
