[Question] Past indiscretions/addictions returning to bite me

A

Anonymous

Anonymous

*deep breath* Okay... I will preface this by saying that I am not a perfect person. I know that no-one is, but I have made more than my fair share of mistakes, several of which have bearing on this situation.

Spoiler: In which I am an asshole

.... I am married, with children. During my marriage, I have been guilty of sexting other women on no less than 4 separate occasions. There's not been any particular reason that I've found for this, unless I tie it in to my addiction to pornography. I know that sounds like a cop-out answer for being a sleazy asshole, but the more research I've been doing on "porn addiction," (something I once brushed off as a fake issue) the more I realize that it acts the same way as any other dopamine-triggering habit. Reading these series of articles on The Art of Manliness helped put it in perspective for me.

Spoiler: In which this leads to reciprocal issues

In any case, enough excuses for my stupidity. Recently, my wife and I had been going through a rough patch, brought on by my most recent - and final - sexting incident, where I had reconnected with an old friend from high school. The blow-up was epic, most deserved, and started me down the road to getting my head straight in a way that the other times never seemed to click right.

During this time, she mentioned something about feeling bad about how we'd both been going to other people for closeness, instead of each other. This sent up a warning flag - "other people?"

I interject here by stating that she found out about my actions by going through my phone, acting on her suspicions. Fucked up, but I really don't have a leg to stand on, here.

Spoiler: In which karma is a bitch

In any case, I returned the favor, checking out her phone, and finding a series of messages on Facebook messenger to a friend of HERS from high school, talking about "are you free to Skype?" "Not yet, kids are still up." Unusual, but not damning. What set me off was:
"You should come down here next week."
"Why?" "Hubby's going to be gone over the weekend."
"Awww, can't... car's broke."

As well as a couple messages about her going to help him move into his new place, and him joking about how little work would actually get done, and her agreeing.

(This friend is 8 hours away, so I'm not worried about her up and disappearing randomly).

Spoiler: In which there is a Part 2: the Revengeining

This all occurred back in September, 2 months after I fucked up for the last time. In the intervening time, we were distant, but still talking. Reading those messages prompted me to step up my Hubby game, and for a while, everything seemed to be fine. There were no new messages in the log... although I have my suspicions that some were still being erased.

Recently, she's started being guarded about her phone again. So I check her (changed password) phone again, and find:
Him: "Mmmm"
Him: "I don't think I would last very long with your mouth all over my cock.
Her: "No one ever does..."
Him: "You like being bent over?"
Her: "Yes, bent over and spanked!!!"
Him: "Oh yes, I can do that for you"
Her: "I'll bet."

The kicker? We were heading out to lunch when she was having this exchange.

I'm so fucking furious that I'm literally sick to my stomach. But so frustrated, because I know that I don't have a leg to stand on, because of my own history in this matter.

This kids are going to be going to their grandparents next weekend. I don't know if I can sit on this that long - seriously, I couldn't sleep at all last night. Should I confront her now, or wait?

By "confront" I mean "Let's sit down and talk about this, and figure out exactly where we're at." I'm furious... but I have no desire to hurt her, or the kids in this.
 
Ravenpoe

Ravenpoe

I know this gets said a lot, but this sounds like the perfect candidate for counseling. Porn addiction is a real thing, and in this case sounds like it may be a symptom of some greater need, something both you and your wife are having, finding a need to use others to fill something in your life. These may be symptoms of even greater underlying problems that need to be addressed, and couples counseling may help identify those.
 
Dave

Dave

Staff member
You need to find out if you both still want to be married. If the answer on either side is "No." or even "I don't know." then I would say counseling probably wouldn't work that well. Neither of you are fully vested in the marriage. Time to shit or get off the pot.

Sit her down and talk to her. Let her know that you know and that while disappointed, you completely understand. Don't get mad even if she does. Ask her if she wants to continue the marriage. If yes, then she has to completely break it off with this other guy. Then you both go to counseling and get an email account together so that neither of you hides anything because there's no trust in either direction.

If the answer is no, then you each get a lawyer and start the paperwork.

Neither of you can cast aspersions at the other so handle it like an adult.
 
PatrThom

PatrThom

I liked @Dave 's answer more and more as I read it.
It sounds insightful, useful, and surprisingly mature.

--Patrick
 
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A

Anonymous

Anonymous

There, but by the grace of God, goeth I.

I agree with Dave. Get counseling.
 
Thread Necromancer

Thread Necromancer

I think @Dave put out the perfect answer. Having been in fairly similar boat at one time or another, I wish I could have headed the same advice. Maybe it would have made things easier.
 
PatrThom

PatrThom

Strangely enough, I just read through some of a recent thread on reddit which tackled a very similar question (though the thread is obviously biased towards dissolution rather than reconciliation, so be prepared for that going into it).

--Patrick
 
A

Anonymous

Anonymous

We talked last night. It was emotional, it was mature, and we both decided that we're going to stick it out.

She brought up the idea of counseling before I suggested it, so it's being worked on.

She did admit that it was mostly brought on by my own infidelity, so again, I pretty much only have my own self to blame for this...

The situation is far from ideal, but having both been on both sides of it, we've both determined that neither of us wishes the other to experience any aspect of it again.

We're off to a long road of recovery, but we're agreed that we're walking it together.

I just feel horrible that I did anything like this to her...
 
Dave

Dave

Staff member
Good for both of you. Now go to that counseling, get joint email accounts and get rid of your personal ones, or give each other your passwords.

This step is huge for both of you and once you get past it you'll be stronger. Good luck!
 
fade

fade

Staff member
I looked into counseling some time back. It seemed to be said by a lot of reputable people and groups that marriage counseling performed no better than random. As an anecdote, I've heard the same from acquaintances who've been through it. Not what you want to hear, I'm sure. But there it is.
 
drawn_inward

drawn_inward

I was given a book by the pastor that married my wife and I called, "His Needs, Her Needs". It is written by a Christian marriage counselor so I hesitate recommending it, but it does have some practical points. The main take-away is that you are either investing into your spouse's "love bank" or someone else is. However, no book or counselor will save your marriage if you aren't both on board to save it. Best of luck. I really do hope it works out.
 
Thread Necromancer

Thread Necromancer

My ex and i went to counselling and were told right away that if we were not both on board it could turn into divorce counselling very quickly. He was right, and that's exactly what happened, within minutes.

I hope the best for you.
 
fade

fade

Staff member
Wait... 31 hex is 49 decimal. 100 base 7 is 70 decimal. If you're 49 you're 70 in base seven.
 
fade

fade

Staff member
Right I was thinking backwards. Oops.[DOUBLEPOST=1428106971,1428106387][/DOUBLEPOST]
PatrThom said:
There is no "70" in base seven. It goes straight from 66 (6*7 + 6*1 = 48) to 100 (1*49 + 0*7 + 0*1 = 49).

--Patrick
Click to expand...
Yeah yeah. In a moment of stupid I read it as 10 7's but of course it's not. It's 2 digits of 7 or 49. Blame too many years of decimal speed math in my head.
 
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