Might as well make this a post of its own. Don't know why I'm doing this instead of putting in the Rant thread, but anyway. Full disclosure, I posted this on Facebook and Twitter as well. Again, don't know why. Probably for some pathetic need for attention.
So, an update: I am not okay.
I wanted to post something like this since talk of mental health came up after Anthony Bourdain's suicide. And I didn't for whatever reason. But yeah, I'm not okay.
The fact is, I've struggled to find any kind of joy in anything. Even before my own suicide attempt on New Years, I couldn't find joy in some of my favourite things like yoga or comics or anything.
I've been unemployed now for almost a year. I spend most days in front of the computer surfing websites, getting into stupid arguments with strangers, or playing video games. I can't even look at a job site without getting upset or even more hopeless because I don't see any jobs that would hire me or that wouldn't drive me further into depression. I have no experience beyond customer service, which I'm so fucking sick of. Even if I got a job, any that I could get wouldn't be enough to get a place of my own. So I'm stuck and can't do anything about it while I see everyone around me with careers, family, etc. And after turning 40, I just feel so fucking pathetic.
The yoga teacher training program ends in a few weeks and I'm so behind on the material because of my unending depression that there's no chance I could pass either test (written or practical where I teach a 40-minute class). I barely even think about yoga, let alone practice doing any. At this point, I doubt I'll even graduate because I can't complete the tests. Which means the plans I felt so hopeful for in September to teach yoga for a living will just be another failure in a long line of failures in my life. Just like failing at writing. Just like failing at teaching elementary. Just like failing wrestling school. Just like everything else, like friendships, relationships. Anything.
I feel like such a goddamn waste of space, stuck living with my parents for 5 years now because I can't get my shit together and actually do something with my life. I feel so broken. Even when I feel better, I still have no value in myself. I don't think I'm worth anyone's time or energy. So I just sit in front of the computer and spend all my time by myself. Because what else am I supposed to do?
I'm not okay. I haven't been okay for a long, long time (if ever). And I don't think I'll ever be okay.
So, an update: I am not okay.
I wanted to post something like this since talk of mental health came up after Anthony Bourdain's suicide. And I didn't for whatever reason. But yeah, I'm not okay.
The fact is, I've struggled to find any kind of joy in anything. Even before my own suicide attempt on New Years, I couldn't find joy in some of my favourite things like yoga or comics or anything.
I've been unemployed now for almost a year. I spend most days in front of the computer surfing websites, getting into stupid arguments with strangers, or playing video games. I can't even look at a job site without getting upset or even more hopeless because I don't see any jobs that would hire me or that wouldn't drive me further into depression. I have no experience beyond customer service, which I'm so fucking sick of. Even if I got a job, any that I could get wouldn't be enough to get a place of my own. So I'm stuck and can't do anything about it while I see everyone around me with careers, family, etc. And after turning 40, I just feel so fucking pathetic.
The yoga teacher training program ends in a few weeks and I'm so behind on the material because of my unending depression that there's no chance I could pass either test (written or practical where I teach a 40-minute class). I barely even think about yoga, let alone practice doing any. At this point, I doubt I'll even graduate because I can't complete the tests. Which means the plans I felt so hopeful for in September to teach yoga for a living will just be another failure in a long line of failures in my life. Just like failing at writing. Just like failing at teaching elementary. Just like failing wrestling school. Just like everything else, like friendships, relationships. Anything.
I feel like such a goddamn waste of space, stuck living with my parents for 5 years now because I can't get my shit together and actually do something with my life. I feel so broken. Even when I feel better, I still have no value in myself. I don't think I'm worth anyone's time or energy. So I just sit in front of the computer and spend all my time by myself. Because what else am I supposed to do?
I'm not okay. I haven't been okay for a long, long time (if ever). And I don't think I'll ever be okay.