MPDG heavily hitting on me

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Rosie Palmer

Rosie Palmer

First, please don't try to guess who I am. It defeats the purpose of logging in as an alt. I have to use a silly alt because guest posting is disabled.

I'm married. I have a stable marriage, but I would never say that my wife and I are star-crossed lovers. I've always been envious of couples who are more than just good friends. I have been married a long time, and I guess I'm starting to feel desperate for that madly-in-love sensation. I've had it before, but not in a long, long time.

As if in answer, a girl has started hitting on me. She was very subtle at first, but later very blatant. She is a decade younger than me, and quite attractive. On top of that, she's a real-honest-to-goodness manic pixie dream girl who is trying to pull me out of my morose stupor. I mean, I had to check the mirror to see if I had leapt into John Cusack, Ziggy. If that weren't enough, she's made it very clear that she enjoys sex, and how much she would enjoy it with me.

So, I have a wife who is like a friend, despite attempts on my part to change that. And a wife who seems like she could take or leave sex. Our average is about once or twice a month.

I'm feeling very weak against these advances. Girls are my kryptonite. I'm not sure what I'm asking here. Maybe what to do?
 
ElJuski

ElJuski

Staff member
It's Chaz, isn't it. Chaz, right?

Be honest with yourself, and don't fuck your life up because you think some idealized young strumpet wants you to stick it in her. Don't be rash, talk it out with her, talk it out with your wife, figure out what makes you happy, then go stick it in her.

Regardless of your choice, though, don't come back moping about regretting what you chose to do. THINK IT OUT, GUY
 
S

SeraRelm

She wants you cuz someone else has you. You wouldn't believe how often I get hit with offers when someone sees the ring. Shit be crazy, dawg.

Also, you live once. Decide if you want to take chances or stay in something stable. You're obviously feeling unfulfilled in life, be it from your relationship, your job, your achievements, any number of things. Depending on your awareness of your mortality, you may also be feeling like you need to rush to get all your past regrets or plans handled. Just make sure you don't turn whatever you choose to do in this instance one of them.
 
Cajungal

Cajungal

Staff member
Why did y'all get married in the first place? Did it used to be different? It's hard for me to trust girls who fit that label. Rarely seems genuine.
 
Tress

Tress

The fact that this girl is hitting on you is nice and all, but it's not really the main point here. The main problem is your unsatisfactory marriage. If you aren't happy, things need to change. You should talk to your wife and get to the bottom of what's missing. If it truly is the whole "friends vs. lovers" problem, then something should change. Unless you have children, there is no good reason to stay in an unhappy marriage. I'm not saying you should go file for divorce right now, of course. I'm just saying you should explore any options for improving or changing things with your wife.

And leave the manic pixie dream girl ( :rolleyes: ) alone. That's just asking for trouble. Take it as a nice compliment and move on.
 
FnordBear

FnordBear

Mind you this is strictly my personal opinion...but to me it says something about her character that she is hitting on a married man. That's the exact kind of person I don't want in my life and have actually put out of my life in the past.
 
Chad Sexington

Chad Sexington

Rosie Palmer

Rosie Palmer

It's very clear that I've misrepresented my marriage. It's actually a good marriage. It's certainly not unhappy. I don't think I said that it was. I think, in fact, it's a fairly standard type of marriage. Most people don't get to marry their soulmate or star-crossed lover, despite what the storybooks want you to think. That in no way means you don't love the person you marry. I don't know if I think there's anything "wrong" so much as there are things that I've missed that this girl seems to fit like the missing puzzle piece. I know there are people who adamantly disagree, but you can be in a good, happy marriage, and still be extremely attracted to a different person. That's kind of why I said this girl was my kryptonite.

Maybe "friend" was too strong a word. I certainly love my wife, and she loves me, but I've never really had the "I'd take poison and you knife yourself" moment with her. I just meant that I long for that moment again. It doesn't indicate a bad marriage, but it does leave that missing piece. I have actually addressed this indirectly with my wife many, many times. I've tried to amp things up, and spoken openly about my intent. My wife's answer basically comes down to "this is the way it is with me".

You guys are hung up on the MPDG thing. It's just a descriptor for her personality. You can't tell me this isn't her personality! It is. It really is. It doesn't really mean anything other than as a "this is what this girl is like". Certainly not clear why that deserves an eyeroll smiley anymore than "Lewis Black is an angry man" does. And she really is honest truth no fingers crossed addressing my depression directly. It's not a guess. It's a fact. I know this from her saying things like "we should do [insert living life large thing that she does regularly] to get you out of that depression". But that almost doesn't matter either. If the phrase bothers you, substitute "personality that Rosie is really attracted to" instead to drop it entirely. Problem solved.

The trust issue is a good point.
 
M

makare

If you miss the lusty part of attraction now just keep reminding yourself how much you'll miss 1. the relationship with your wife and 2. not being a cheating bastard if you do anything with this girl.
 
Cajungal

Cajungal

Staff member
Just remember that behind every seemingly ideal (or more desirable) person is another flawed human being full of their own brand of baggage.

Maybe it's just me, but I've never felt that particular type of intensity you're describing... And I think that's extremely ok. Don't get me wrong; I have strong feelings for my SO and would feel lost if anything happened to him... But exactly how much like a movie or romance novel do you want your life to be?
 
Tress

Tress

Awww yes, I think this thread is about to get Norris'd to hell and back.

If you know about the MPDG trope enough to use the term, you should also know it's just a fantasy. It's someone who only appears ideal because of some things going on in your own life. It's also someone who isn't going to work out well for anything, because the idea of them is much better than the reality. That's why you got a well-deserved eyeroll.

Either you're happy with your wife, or you're not. If you are happy, don't do anything to fuck it up. Having an affair would definitely qualify for that. If you aren't happy, then you need to fix it somehow. And if it can't be fixed and you are truly unhappy, then you need to end it rather than messing around. Either way, having a roll in the hay on the side is ill-advised.
 
ElJuski

ElJuski

Staff member
the point is, you're going to end up fucking this other chick anyway, ruin your marriage, and when things are falling apart whine about how things used to be.

OR, you could be adult and actually talk to your wife about what's going on in your life and settle things like adults, not man-children on TV or in the movies.
 
M

makare

I actually had to look up what exactly is a mpdg. I had heard the term but didn't really know what it is. I figured out that since I hate romance movies I have mostly missed them in movies.
 
Adam

Adam

If I could be so bold, the only real choice here is between "Stick with the wife and try to fix things/figure things out" or "Become a single dude with all the foibles inherent to that". You probably wouldn't treat a friend with the callous disregard that comes with doing something behind their back. Or you could try relationship counselling, that's fun too.
 
Rosie Palmer

Rosie Palmer

Can't believe I'm saying this but I understand Norris now. Despite the fact that I've explained that it was just a personality descriptor (not intended to bring in the entire plotline), you guys insist on bringing in all this baggage from the movies and even casting me as the males in the movies. This is exactly why I suggested dropping it and realizing I'm just talking about a personality I like. Not being an idiot, I realize perfectly well that being attracted to someone solely because they have something you like only works in the movies. But I'm not attracted to just those isolated 1-D parts.

In a way this was helpful, because you guys kind of pointed out a lot of things that aren't wrong, and made me reword them, You never really addressed some of the things that make this most tempting because you're so focused on the movie connection. There are things that no amount of talking with my wife (which I have done, even with professionals present) will ever fix, because they're not broken. No talking will ever replace the thrill of being with someone new, which now I see is probably the primary attraction. My advice to myself, then, is to find the new thrill in a long term relationship. To focus on what makes that good. Somehow. I don't know how to do that yet, but I'll learn.

I do appreciate the stuff about trust. That is a good point, and not something that you think about when you're in the heat of being attracted to someone. I need to focus on what this would do to my wife.

For the record, this was a post-mortem discussion. I actually shut down the advances, but I did it because it was morally correct (sorry to disappoint your clairvoyance, ElJuski). I just wanted to get a feeling for the roads not taken.
 
Hailey Knight

Hailey Knight

Rosie Palmer said:
I certainly love my wife, and she loves me, but I've never really had the "I'd take poison and you knife yourself" moment with her.
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You sound like you're wrapped up in a lot of fiction. If some life large event that this other girl does sounds so attractive and impacting, do it with your wife.
 
Adam

Adam

Rosie Palmer said:
Can't believe I'm saying this but I understand Norris now. Despite the fact that I've explained that it was just a personality descriptor (not intended to bring in the entire plotline), you guys insist on bringing in all this baggage from the movies and even casting me as the males in the movies. This is exactly why I suggested dropping it and realizing I'm just talking about a personality I like. Not being an idiot, I realize perfectly well that being attracted to someone solely because they have something you like only works in the movies. But I'm not attracted to just those isolated 1-D parts.

In a way this was helpful, because you guys kind of pointed out a lot of things that aren't wrong, and made me reword them, You never really addressed some of the things that make this most tempting because you're so focused on the movie connection. There are things that no amount of talking with my wife (which I have done, even with professionals present) will ever fix, because they're not broken. No talking will ever replace the thrill of being with someone new, which now I see is probably the primary attraction. My advice to myself, then, is to find the new thrill in a long term relationship. To focus on what makes that good. Somehow. I don't know how to do that yet, but I'll learn.

I do appreciate the stuff about trust. That is a good point, and not something that you think about when you're in the heat of being attracted to someone. I need to focus on what this would do to my wife.

For the record, this was a post-mortem discussion. I actually shut down the advances, but I did it because it was morally correct (sorry to disappoint your clairvoyance, ElJuski). I just wanted to get a feeling for the roads not taken.
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New love is always different than old love, it's like a drug that loses it's potency after a while. Understanding that it's perfectly normal to feel the way you are is the first step to gaining a bit more respect for yourself which I think is the biggest issue here. You feel like shit because you feel this way. Guess what, it's totally OK and totally natural to feel like that - and there are few people in the world that don't feel like that. Once you accept that it's part of the normal course of a long term relationship, the guilt about trying to change it goes away and you can put more effort into finding other avenues for you (and your wife) to enjoy. Sexy times is just one part of it.
 
Rosie Palmer

Rosie Palmer

Quotemander Prime said:
You sound like you're wrapped up in a lot of fiction. If some life large event that this other girl does sounds so attractive and impacting, do it with your wife.
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No, I'm just using familiar analogies for a feeling a lot of us, including me, have felt before. As for the second, that is true, but I guess it's not just about doing it, it's about having someone care enough to get you to do it.
 
Hailey Knight

Hailey Knight

Rosie Palmer said:
No, I'm just using familiar analogies for a feeling a lot of us, including me, have felt before. As for the second, that is true, but I guess it's not just about doing it, it's about having someone care enough to get you to do it.
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Do you not care about your wife enough to get her to do it? You should be the initiator for your own life, not this other girl.
 
Timmus

Timmus

Rosie Palmer said:
No, I'm just using familiar analogies for a feeling a lot of us, including me, have felt before. As for the second, that is true, but I guess it's not just about doing it, it's about having someone care enough to get you to do it.
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And that person should be Y-O-U.
 
MindDetective

MindDetective

I guess I'm of the opinion that you shouldn't start something new until you're finished with what you are already working on. Either acknowledge that you feel a little jolt of excitement by this new person and accept it as only that and nothing more, or wrap up your current relationship and dive into the next one. Trying to have it all just smacks of selfishness to me, especially when it may come at the cost of other people's feelings.
 
Rosie Palmer

Rosie Palmer

Timmus said:
And that person should be Y-O-U.
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I'm the one who is desiring this to be done. It doesn't exactly fill in the missing piece if the missing piece for me is that I like it when these things are done to me. I could always do more for my wife, and while that is nice for her, that doesn't address the problem here.
 
Hailey Knight

Hailey Knight

Rosie Palmer said:
I'm the one who is desiring this to be done. It doesn't exactly fill in the missing piece if the missing piece for me is that I like it when these things are done to me. I could always do more for my wife, and while that is nice for her, that doesn't address the problem here.
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You like it when people want to engage you in activities, but don't like to engage people in activities?
 
S

SeraRelm

Rosie Palmer said:
I'm the one who is desiring this to be done. It doesn't exactly fill in the missing piece if the missing piece for me is that I like it when these things are done to me. I could always do more for my wife, and while that is nice for her, that doesn't address the problem here.
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Or does it?
 
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