I mean this with the upmost sincerity:
We're here.
We're here.
[Other] Hey Gas Bandit
- Thread starter drawn_inward
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GasBandit
Staff member
Thanks.
I don't feel like posting much these days, but I do still come and read stuff periodically. It kinda helps to lurk, I guess. It helps my mind process that the world has not stopped, and unlike being in a group in person, here I can listen to people talk without them feeling uncomfortable about my sensibilities (because who dares levity in the presence of the bereaved?).
I'm also back at work, because the absolute last thing I need right now is to be sitting at home, marinating in a sea of reminders. Really, going home at the end of the day is the worst, now. Used to be I couldn't wait to get out of the office. Now I find excuses to stay later.
I'm starting to think I'm going to have to move.
I don't feel like posting much these days, but I do still come and read stuff periodically. It kinda helps to lurk, I guess. It helps my mind process that the world has not stopped, and unlike being in a group in person, here I can listen to people talk without them feeling uncomfortable about my sensibilities (because who dares levity in the presence of the bereaved?).
I'm also back at work, because the absolute last thing I need right now is to be sitting at home, marinating in a sea of reminders. Really, going home at the end of the day is the worst, now. Used to be I couldn't wait to get out of the office. Now I find excuses to stay later.
I'm starting to think I'm going to have to move.
That's one way people cope. Keep some stuff though.
Remember you have support. If only from a weird corner of the internet, but hopefully more than that too.
I don't know how supportive this really came out? Damnit. Oh well, hope you're doing better, if only incrementally.
doomdragon6
Staff member
I can't even.. Ten million hugs from me. Your post made me cry, man.. There's nothing I can say, so I'll just say I'm sorry, and you and she both deserved more.
GasBandit
Staff member
You know, you think you're holding it together on a given day, and then a certain goddamned Barry Manilow song comes on and then it's all you can do not to collapse in a heap.
Let us know when you're brought to your knees by a smell. And I don't mean perfume, I mean the smell in the air that time when you were caught in your car during a rainstorm for an hour, or something like that. Smells can be the worst.
--Patrick
Having someone you love being taken from you forever is just one big wretched paralyzing pile of nightmarish suckyness right on your chest. On top of that you gotta take care of the funeral and all the other practical stuff. Then there is sometimes that strange feeling that you are erasing and betraying them by doing all that stuff. I don't have anything to offer other than I'm sorry and try to stay brave!
GasBandit
Staff member
Welp, now my subconscious has decided to punish me again. Had another dream about her last night but instead of being a sad escape this one was practically a nightmare of accusation and recrimination, with her telling me she was leaving me because of something (nonspecific) that I'd done, and me begging her not to go. And, of course in true dream cliche territory, I was completely unable to stop her. I guess I am paying for the one day without abject misery, with interest.
GasBandit
Staff member
That's what I tell myself. But when I go to sleep and the hindbrain takes over, "reason" isn't exactly always on the menu.
In a way, you should feel good about this. You have cultivated your brain's auto-skill so well that it will even automatically troll yourself!
Admittedly, it's like congratulating yourself because you punch yourself in the face so effectively, but you gotta admire that kind of dedication.
--Patrick
Dammit, it's too early for jokes about this. where he can see it.
Well... That was a dick post.
But you marked it "funny"?