I'm Not Handy at All - Ask Me How to Fix Stuff!

Zappit · Mar 15, 2017

Title says it all. You want a half-assed, ill-informed method to fix broken stuff? I'm your man!

mikerc · Mar 15, 2017

I accidentally knocked Humpty Dumpty off a wall & can't work out how to put him together again. Any advice would be gratefully received.

PatrThom · Mar 15, 2017

First you need a weather balloon, a 50# bag of flour, and a Hobart.

--Patrick

phil · Mar 15, 2017

Zappit said:
You want a half-assed, ill-informed method to fix broken stuff? I'm your man!

I can't like post a picture of it or anything but just kind of imagine my life.

Zappit · Mar 15, 2017

mroosc1979 said:
I accidentally knocked Humpty Dumpty off a wall & can't work out how to put him together again. Any advice would be gratefully received.

Okay, first off - the king's horses and men? Screw those guys. They couldn't find their asses given each other prostate exams.

Here's what you do. You need to stay calm. A wall fall "accident" is easy enough. This happened outside, so carefully turn over the soil at the base of the wall. Use a tiller afterward to prep it for transplanting. You need to get a few bushes to plant - plain ones. Flowering plants like hydrangeas, while large, attract too much attention. Plant the bushes in a row across the entire side of the wall. Let the egg naturally fertilize the plants.

Then move on with your life.[DOUBLEPOST=1489629688,1489629274][/DOUBLEPOST]

phil said:
I can't like post a picture of it or anything but just kind of imagine my life.

Liquidate your assets and move to New Zealand. Earlier reports that they'll pay you to move there are incorrect, but there's abundant employment opportunities - really, they're desperate for workers - and it's friggin' beautiful there.

phil · Mar 15, 2017

Zappit said:
Okay, first off - the king's horses and men? Screw those guys. They couldn't find their asses given each other prostate exams.

Here's what you do. You need to stay calm. A wall fall "accident" is easy enough. This happened outside, so carefully turn over the soil at the base of the wall. Use a tiller afterward to prep it for transplanting. You need to get a few bushes to plant - plain ones. Flowering plants like hydrangeas, while large, attract too much attention. Plant the bushes in a row across the entire side of the wall. Let the egg naturally fertilize the plants.

Then move on with your life.[DOUBLEPOST=1489629688,1489629274][/DOUBLEPOST]

Liquidate your assets and move to New Zealand. Earlier reports that they'll pay you to move there are incorrect, but there's abundant employment opportunities - really, they're desperate for workers - and it's friggin' beautiful there.

Man I've actually considered it before. I'm looking at New Zealand and Portugal for when it's time to jump ship.

Gruebeard · Mar 16, 2017

I broke my hearth a couple months ago. Well, Candy broke it one night we were making love in front of the fireplace. But yeah, how do I fix my broken hearth?

Zappit · Mar 16, 2017

Gruebeard said:
I broke my hearth a couple months ago. Well, Candy broke it one night we were making love in front of the fireplace. But yeah, how do I fix my broken hearth?

Marriage counselorth.

phil · Mar 16, 2017

Have you talked to an inkeeper? I think they give you a new one if you broke it.

strawman · Mar 16, 2017

I was installing a network jack in my wall, when the sawzall cut through a water pipe. Now water is spraying out of the incomplete hole in the wall and it's pouring out of the basement ceiling directly into the electrical breaker panel.

Do I call a plumber first, or an electrician?

drawn_inward · Mar 16, 2017

stienman said:
I was installing a network jack in my wall, when the sawzall cut through a water pipe. Now water is spraying out of the incomplete hole in the wall and it's pouring out of the basement ceiling directly into the electrical breaker panel.

Do I call a plumber first, or an electrician?

You should call it a day!

:rimshot:

phil · Mar 16, 2017

Trick question. Call the guy who'll patch the hole in the wall first.

Gruebeard · Mar 16, 2017

stienman said:
I was installing a network jack in my wall, when the sawzall cut through a water pipe. Now water is spraying out of the incomplete hole in the wall and it's pouring out of the basement ceiling directly into the electrical breaker panel.

Do I call a plumber first, or an electrician?

Probably 911. From outside the raging inferno.

Zappit · Mar 16, 2017

stienman said:
I was installing a network jack in my wall, when the sawzall cut through a water pipe. Now water is spraying out of the incomplete hole in the wall and it's pouring out of the basement ceiling directly into the electrical breaker panel.

Do I call a plumber first, or an electrician?

You just invented an indoor pool with its own internet signal. Forget fixing it. Patent that!

MindDetective · Mar 16, 2017

My car blew a head gasket. Help!

evilmike · Mar 16, 2017

Simple. Change the gravitational constant of the universe.

Zappit · Mar 16, 2017

MindDetective said:
My car blew a head gasket. Help!

That depends. Are we talking a figurative gasket, or a literal one?

MindDetective · Mar 16, 2017

Zappit said:
That depends. Are we talking a figurative gasket, or a literal one?

Yes.

Zappit · Mar 16, 2017

MindDetective said:
Yes.

Okay. Thank you.

Your car blew a gasket, which creates a seal between the engine and cylinder head.

So your car blew a gasket and lost its head. There could be underlying vehicular health issues here. Have you checked its oil pressure? If its high, your car may be on the verge of a stroke. Watch for the signs. Does one side seem to droop as if you haven't been regularly been maintaining tire pressure? Does it slur when you honk the horn?

This is a red flag, and beyond my meager abilities. Please seek help for your vehicle from a trained vehicular health professional.

ThatNickGuy · Mar 16, 2017

I have a serious problem with this thingy. You know, the thingy with the stuff. That does the whatsits.

Well, it's not doing the whatsits right now. That's the problem with the thingy.

DarkAudit · Mar 16, 2017

ThatNickGuy said:
I have a serious problem with this thingy. You know, the thingy with the stuff. That does the whatsits.

Well, it's not doing the whatsits right now. That's the problem with the thingy.

Turn it off, wait 60 seconds, and turn it back on again.

Bubble181 · Mar 17, 2017

I'm a consciousness stuck on a small ball of dirt, hurling through emptiness at unbelievable speeds. My actions and thoughts seem to have no effect whatsoever on the universe around me, and my existence seems too small and fleeting to leave any lasting impact. I am utterly and completely insignificant and unimportant, yet I am gifted with emotions and thoughts that make me care about my own existence. How do I escape this hell?

DarkAudit · Mar 17, 2017

Bubble181 said:
I'm a consciousness stuck on a small ball of dirt, hurling through emptiness at unbelievable speeds. My actions and thoughts seem to have no effect whatsoever on the universe around me, and my existence seems too small and fleeting to leave any lasting impact. I am utterly and completely insignificant and unimportant, yet I am gifted with emotions and thoughts that make me care about my own existence. How do I escape this hell?

Unplug it, wait about 5 minutes, then plug it back in.

Zappit · Mar 17, 2017

Bubble181 said:
I'm a consciousness stuck on a small ball of dirt, hurling through emptiness at unbelievable speeds. My actions and thoughts seem to have no effect whatsoever on the universe around me, and my existence seems too small and fleeting to leave any lasting impact. I am utterly and completely insignificant and unimportant, yet I am gifted with emotions and thoughts that make me care about my own existence. How do I escape this hell?

There is no escape, only acceptance. Embrace the fact that your actions have little consequence on the greater whole of the universe, and make peace with that fact.

Takes a hell of a lot of pressure off, if you think about it.

DarkAudit · Mar 17, 2017

Zappit said:
There is no escape, only acceptance. Embrace the fact that your actions have little consequence on the greater whole of the universe, and make peace with that fact.

Takes a hell of a lot of pressure off, if you think about it.

GasBandit · Mar 17, 2017

There's a hole in my bucket.

PatrThom · Mar 17, 2017

GasBandit said:
There's a hole in my bucket.

Give it back to the nice walrus, and apologize.

--Patrick

Zappit · Mar 17, 2017

GasBandit said:
There's a hole in my bucket.

I'd just throw down to the bottom of the sea. They'll match.

DarkAudit · Mar 17, 2017

GasBandit said:
There's a hole in my bucket.

Well fix it, dear GB.