..... oh ew....
Totally didn't go back into lurker mode I swear.... Oh and Icarus Syndrome?
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Chibibar
Yay Cobra. I am glad you are totally honest with her from the get go. It is good since you do have other obligation (kids and stuff)
Women like surprises, but not that kind of surprise
Women like surprises, but not that kind of surprise
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Cobra Star
To those of you who've known couples or are a couple with an age gap, I ask a few questions of morality.... (I apologize in advance if any of this comes out the wrong way, I seem to have a tendency to not quite put into text the way that I'm feeling, just know that what I post is with the best of intentions and not meant in a malicious or demeaning manner)
Things are going very very well, though concerns have bubbled up. Problems that shouldn't be problems seem to be showing up. Not sure exactly how to put it. Due to her age, she has only been in one serious relationship before. It was from 17-20 and she lived with him for 1 year. They've been split for around 8 months when we met. Since she's been living on her own she spends alot of time at her parents place (down the street from where she lives) or over here at my brother's place. She's never really lived alone as she went from her parents house to her bf's house. She's currently only working 3 days a month (medical tests) so she's got ALOT of free time. I don't. She wants to be over here everyday (an issue as my brother's gf really doesn't like her, so when she's over it's very uneasy. We spend most of our time in my bedroom watching movies.), or just wants to be with me the entire day. Now, I'm a "attached at the hip" kind of guy in a relationship. I LOVE being around the person I'm with as much as possible, the issue comes from the fact that due to my current situation (work starting soon, moving soon, back and forth visiting my kids) I don't have alot of time to give her and feel guilty when I have to tell her I can't see her. Not really sure what to do. I tell her that I'm not avoiding her and that I'd love to see her, but some days it's just not possible.
Next issue: Moving too fast. The number one thing my brother warned me about when I started dating her, was not to do the same mistake as in my past (married 1st girl in 3 months due to pregnancy, moved in with 2nd girl within 6 months) so I'm trying not to. The thing is, this girl has blown me away in so many aspects. Every girl I've dated before I had to "shy away" from the kind of person I am (geek, gamer, overly affectionate, etc) but not with her. She embraces and reflects all of my personalities, which makes me so at ease around her that I find myself just staring "into" her every moment she's around. So what does this mean? We moved kind of fast. Again I think this is due to her inexperience in relationships and only really knowing one way of "being with someone". We slept together on our 5th date, she's slept over at least 5-6 times now, though I tried holding back on using the "L" word (it wasn't that I wasn't feeling overwhelming emotion for her, it's just that I wasn't sure if I should so soon) I told her around the 9th date that I did. Now this is as far as I'll allow it to go. My brother is worried that I'll move out and in with her in a matter of weeks/months but I tried to assure him that it wasn't the case. I know that some people date for long periods of time before getting emotionally involved, some sleep together for a good while before it comes into play, though I feel the difference comes from the amount of time we spend together. A new couple may see each other 4-6 hrs a day, 3 days a week. I've been seeing her 5-6 days a week, 6-10hrs a day. Not sure if that validates anything but we have been getting close, quickly, because of it. Does one measure "too fast" by how much time is spent together, or how many "days" you've known someone? I'm not quite sure.
All I know is how I feel when she's around. It's a feeling I've never really experienced before and it feels amazing. That's really the best way I can put it. These "issues" are minor and not deal breaking in anyway, just concerns I have that I would like OPINIONS on. :biggrin:
Things are going very very well, though concerns have bubbled up. Problems that shouldn't be problems seem to be showing up. Not sure exactly how to put it. Due to her age, she has only been in one serious relationship before. It was from 17-20 and she lived with him for 1 year. They've been split for around 8 months when we met. Since she's been living on her own she spends alot of time at her parents place (down the street from where she lives) or over here at my brother's place. She's never really lived alone as she went from her parents house to her bf's house. She's currently only working 3 days a month (medical tests) so she's got ALOT of free time. I don't. She wants to be over here everyday (an issue as my brother's gf really doesn't like her, so when she's over it's very uneasy. We spend most of our time in my bedroom watching movies.), or just wants to be with me the entire day. Now, I'm a "attached at the hip" kind of guy in a relationship. I LOVE being around the person I'm with as much as possible, the issue comes from the fact that due to my current situation (work starting soon, moving soon, back and forth visiting my kids) I don't have alot of time to give her and feel guilty when I have to tell her I can't see her. Not really sure what to do. I tell her that I'm not avoiding her and that I'd love to see her, but some days it's just not possible.
Next issue: Moving too fast. The number one thing my brother warned me about when I started dating her, was not to do the same mistake as in my past (married 1st girl in 3 months due to pregnancy, moved in with 2nd girl within 6 months) so I'm trying not to. The thing is, this girl has blown me away in so many aspects. Every girl I've dated before I had to "shy away" from the kind of person I am (geek, gamer, overly affectionate, etc) but not with her. She embraces and reflects all of my personalities, which makes me so at ease around her that I find myself just staring "into" her every moment she's around. So what does this mean? We moved kind of fast. Again I think this is due to her inexperience in relationships and only really knowing one way of "being with someone". We slept together on our 5th date, she's slept over at least 5-6 times now, though I tried holding back on using the "L" word (it wasn't that I wasn't feeling overwhelming emotion for her, it's just that I wasn't sure if I should so soon) I told her around the 9th date that I did. Now this is as far as I'll allow it to go. My brother is worried that I'll move out and in with her in a matter of weeks/months but I tried to assure him that it wasn't the case. I know that some people date for long periods of time before getting emotionally involved, some sleep together for a good while before it comes into play, though I feel the difference comes from the amount of time we spend together. A new couple may see each other 4-6 hrs a day, 3 days a week. I've been seeing her 5-6 days a week, 6-10hrs a day. Not sure if that validates anything but we have been getting close, quickly, because of it. Does one measure "too fast" by how much time is spent together, or how many "days" you've known someone? I'm not quite sure.
All I know is how I feel when she's around. It's a feeling I've never really experienced before and it feels amazing. That's really the best way I can put it. These "issues" are minor and not deal breaking in anyway, just concerns I have that I would like OPINIONS on. :biggrin:
ElJuski
Staff member
The scientific numbers you've attached make me shudder. But only because dating and those feelings and all of that should be organic. But the real deal is, is that you know who you are and what have been capable of in the past, for better or for worse. So, use your common sense. If you want to take things slower, be honest. Explain to her what your concerns are, and hopefully she'll be honest with you. If you guys are really good together you'll stick around together and work on those issues as they pop up.
The funny thing about dating, and really, any dating advice, and love in general all together, is that hindsight is 20-20. My brother cheated on his girlfriend and moved in with the other girl after a couple months of dating. They've now been happily married for two years and survived some really intense drama during their first year of marriage. Those two are perfect for each other in a way that I don't see very often. You have to do what you have to do. Consider people's opinions and advice (and obviously rational thought. Don't go stalk a girl in a Subway) but ultimately follow--ugh, so cliche--what's in your heart.
The only thing that separates the stoic ex-lover from the Creep Who Just Couldn't Move On is ultimately time, you know? Well, that and a police report.
The funny thing about dating, and really, any dating advice, and love in general all together, is that hindsight is 20-20. My brother cheated on his girlfriend and moved in with the other girl after a couple months of dating. They've now been happily married for two years and survived some really intense drama during their first year of marriage. Those two are perfect for each other in a way that I don't see very often. You have to do what you have to do. Consider people's opinions and advice (and obviously rational thought. Don't go stalk a girl in a Subway) but ultimately follow--ugh, so cliche--what's in your heart.
The only thing that separates the stoic ex-lover from the Creep Who Just Couldn't Move On is ultimately time, you know? Well, that and a police report.
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Disconnected
what were the questions?
Cajungal
Staff member
Like Gilman up there says--honesty. You have a different life from her. She'll just have to understand that you don't always have fun for fun.
As for moving too fast... I'm sure that you genuinely care for her, but just remember that new-relationship-excitement eventually fades. It's hard to see if you're going too fast or not, because different things work for different people. Some things work out no matter how fast you go in the beginning, others don't. Just do what you think is right for yourself and your children, I guess. You know your situation better than us. I'm glad you've found someone so compatible.
As for moving too fast... I'm sure that you genuinely care for her, but just remember that new-relationship-excitement eventually fades. It's hard to see if you're going too fast or not, because different things work for different people. Some things work out no matter how fast you go in the beginning, others don't. Just do what you think is right for yourself and your children, I guess. You know your situation better than us. I'm glad you've found someone so compatible.
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Chazwozel
what were the questions?[/QUOTE]
In and out just like the real Batman.
I love you.
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Cobra Star
The age/life difference between us, is it a real issue or something that can easily be worked on? The moving too fast, something real or more of a person-to-person basis kind of thing? Sorry I didn't make that more clear.
While I know it varies from couple to couple, I was simply curious to the general consensus.
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Disconnected
I suppose stop worrying what other people think of the age gap. It will be an issue if you think it might possible maybe upset someone somewhere.
ten year gap myself here, things were, are and will be great for us. Honesty is the best policy.
As for the in/out comment this site auto logs me out faster than i can make a post sometimes.
ten year gap myself here, things were, are and will be great for us. Honesty is the best policy.
As for the in/out comment this site auto logs me out faster than i can make a post sometimes.
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Wasabi Poptart
Age and maturity are two different things. She honestly sounds like she has some growing up to do. Can it be worked on? I would say yes, but it takes time and it also will mean she needs to learn to be independent. Can't do that if you're glued at the hip. What's going to happen when you need to take care of your kids and she can't be with you? Will she get jealous of the time you spend with them? If you ask her straight out, of course the answer will be no. When it really does happen will be the telling tale. I do think in this case you have a real issue on your hands since she apparently doesn't like being alone. And given your track record of jumping into serious relationships quickly, I would say you need to slow down, step back for a minute, and evaluate what is going on here.
---------- Post added at 10:39 AM ---------- Previous post was at 10:37 AM ----------
Also...my husband and I have a 6 year age gap. He's younger than I am. It's made no difference in our lives whatsoever. I also dated someone who was 10 years my senior. No big deal there either.
---------- Post added at 10:39 AM ---------- Previous post was at 10:37 AM ----------
Also...my husband and I have a 6 year age gap. He's younger than I am. It's made no difference in our lives whatsoever. I also dated someone who was 10 years my senior. No big deal there either.
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Wasabi Poptart
Then you'll have babies and I can send you that Beatles onesie!!!!
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Cobra Star
Thanks WS. I get that I should give her some space to try and learn to stand on her own feet for a bit, I just can't help but want to be around her as often as I'm able. :blush: As for the kids situation? Yeah that's a real hurdle that will be coming in August that I look forward to seeing how it plays out. I'm not sure if it's wrong or not, but I think the fact that she's so inexperienced at relationships is one of the biggest reasons I like being with her. She doesn't bring any emotional baggage or distrust from previous "burns". She's always so optomistic, much like I used to be and it's nice to have this "chance not to fuck things up" again.
My word of advice is keep g/f's away from your kids. Especially if you don't have the intention of marriage. Kids tend to latch onto your friends. And if they are not around long, it gets confusing for the kids.
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Chibibar
^-- I have to agree. You don't want to confuse your kids. especially if they are young kids. If they are teenagers, then no worries but younger.. not so much
my wife and I are 7 years apart. My mom is 12 years older than my step dad (married for 20 years)
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Cobra Star
Well the kids are 12 (in November) and 9. They will know her as "my girlfriend" and not "new mom" right from the start. I will make that clear. I told her when I told her about my kids, that its the way I wanted it to be.
It's not that I don't have intention to marry (if things continue on the path they are going, she is very much marriage material) it's just that I don't intend on it any time soon.
I do appreciate the concern though.
It's not that I don't have intention to marry (if things continue on the path they are going, she is very much marriage material) it's just that I don't intend on it any time soon.
I do appreciate the concern though.
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Wasabi Poptart
How long have you been dating her now?
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Cobra Star
A month, this week. So we'll have about 2-3 months by the time she actually sees the kids in person at all.
So yeah, "fast" start, but slowing it down from this point on. This "phase" will be the one we sit in for a good while.
So yeah, "fast" start, but slowing it down from this point on. This "phase" will be the one we sit in for a good while.
By the way, I'm 20, sweetheart ¬¬
That's sound advice. Six months is about the time it takes for the fresh factor of a new relationship to wear off, you start seeing the real darker sides of each other, getting on each other's nerves, and either learning to accept that, compromise, etc, or starting towards breaking. So it's good to wait that long and see how you handle each other at that point.
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Wasabi Poptart
I agree that you are in the "honeymoon" period of the relationship. You haven't gotten to the ugly yet.
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Cobra Star
That would be easier to do in a situation different from mine. I do not have "help" in watching my kids for "dates" or "outings". (Nearest relative is 4hrs away) They're pretty much my day in day out life when they're not away these two months.
As far as honeymoon part? Perhaps on her side. I've been in enough relationships to have felt the difference. Granted I may not know the ins and outs of her day to day behavior yet. I do know how I feel and how I act when I'm around her.
As far as honeymoon part? Perhaps on her side. I've been in enough relationships to have felt the difference. Granted I may not know the ins and outs of her day to day behavior yet. I do know how I feel and how I act when I'm around her.
Everyone who's been in relationships says that.
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Wasabi Poptart
The way you feel will be different. SHE is different than anyone else you've been involved with. Right now you guys are experiencing infatuation. Once all of that new and shiny wears off, and reality sets in, that's when you'll be better able to tell if your differences (age and life experience included) will be a real factor in the survival of your relationship.
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