My pony fanfiction!

[Danne]

Shove it in your face!

Then, leave some feedback!

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8570830/1/Pony-short-stories

(Note. Alex,Ender,Squid,and the Meep are all characters from the BBTS clan. All other characters are mine.)

 

[Ravenpoe]

There was no sex in any of that!

You must be doing it wrong.

 

[Danne]

There was no sex in any of that!

You must be doing it wrong.

Were you really expecting any in a pony fanfiction?

hold on! lemme rephrase that.....

 

[Tress]

 

[Danne]

ANYWAYS! What do you guys think about the story?

 

[strawman]

I started it, then started skimming, then skipped to the end. The characters and story were not compelling. If, after the first two or three paragraphs, I don't have an overwhelming desire to know what's going to happen to character X or in universe Y, then it's going to be too easy to put down when other distractions occur, and then not pick up later because it's not interesting.

Perhaps it's just not my style.

From what little I read, though, I can say I'm happy for the main character who seems to be awesome at the beginning, solves all the problems, and is even more awesome at the end. Also it's good that he was able to save his stowaway daughter, the little scamp!

 

[Danne]

I started it, then started skimming, then skipped to the end. The characters and story were not compelling. If, after the first two or three paragraphs, I don't have an overwhelming desire to know what's going to happen to character X or in universe Y, then it's going to be too easy to put down when other distractions occur, and then not pick up later because it's not interesting.

Perhaps it's just not my style.

From what little I read, though, I can say I'm happy for the main character who seems to be awesome at the beginning, solves all the problems, and is even more awesome at the end. Also it's good that he was able to save his stowaway daughter, the little scamp!

Actually, it wasn't his daughter. But (assuming you read the end) She stays with him as his first officer. Thanks for giving your honest opinion.

 

[Azurephoenix]

In the spirit of welcoming you to the forum and honest feedback here's the things I think you could improve on.

The back and forth between past and present is jarring. Personally I think the story would flow better if you told it in a linear format and didn't use flashbacks. I had to go back and reread portions to remember what was going on.

The bandit turned ally seems too convenient and very unlikely. The "Sally" character acts especially bloodthirsty (crushing a number of her former comrades) even though she is no killer (forshadowed by Dann seeing her as an innocent who made a bad choice).

Too many short sentences that describe the same thing need to be combined for better flow.

"Inside, lights flicker. Panels on the wall hang from wires. Deck panels are missing from the floor and walls."

Consider turning this into two longer descriptive sentences.

"Inside the ship's steely corridors the devastation from the crash landing is illuminated by flickering emergency lighting. Wall panels hang ripped from their bulkheads displaying still sizzling wires while floor grating lies strewn haphazardly on the ground before them".

Dann executing unarmed and defenseless enemies seems extremely out of character (and I'm basing everything I know about him on this short story). I could see him leaving the pirates to die on the planet but not outright murdering them.

Stienman already touched on it but Dann seems way too awesome. He has telekinetic powers, is skilled in starship piloting, hand to hand (hoof to hoof?) combat, marksmanship and is able to take down a staggering amount of pirates who even though they are just goons should have been able to give him a better run for his money. At no point did I feel that Dann's life was in danger... even with his wounded wing. He felt more like Chuck Norris... just blazing through everyone with no difficulty. If there's no danger element, there is no tension. Without tension you have no emotional investment by readers and things seem dull and bland. Characters need development... even in short stories. It's actually what can make writing short stories harder than novels because you have very little time to explain and develop things.

On that note, there isn't really any overall sense of danger or loss. The Captain gets sucked out an airlock and dies (that was a confusing segment by the way... I'm still not entirely clear on how that happened). Other than that from what I remember, the whole crew is basically safe at the end with only two of them (Dann and the fish dude who is also mega laser awesome) really being involved in the story.

I'm not trying to tear things down here either... just offering constructive criticism (because I can tell you that most people here will not fully read your story as is).

Keep writing... write write write and then write some more. Read lots of books, expand your vocabulary and then write more. Things will improve in time. Good luck with things and I hope you stick around the forum as well.

 

[Danne]

In the spirit of welcoming you to the forum and honest feedback here's the things I think you could improve on.

The back and forth between past and present is jarring. Personally I think the story would flow better if you told it in a linear format and didn't use flashbacks. I had to go back and reread portions to remember what was going on.

The bandit turned ally seems too convenient and very unlikely. The "Sally" character acts especially bloodthirsty (crushing a number of her former comrades) even though she is no killer (forshadowed by Dann seeing her as an innocent who made a bad choice).

Too many short sentences that describe the same thing need to be combined for better flow.

"Inside, lights flicker. Panels on the wall hang from wires. Deck panels are missing from the floor and walls."

Consider turning this into two longer descriptive sentences.

"Inside the ship's steely corridors the devastation from the crash landing is illuminated by flickering emergency lighting. Wall panels hang ripped from their bulkheads displaying still sizzling wires while floor grating lies strewn haphazardly on the ground before them".

Dann executing unarmed and defenseless enemies seems extremely out of character (and I'm basing everything I know about him on this short story). I could see him leaving the pirates to die on the planet but not outright murdering them.

Stienman already touched on it but Dann seems way too awesome. He has telekinetic powers, is skilled in starship piloting, hand to hand (hoof to hoof?) combat, marksmanship and is able to take down a staggering amount of pirates who even though they are just goons should have been able to give him a better run for his money. At no point did I feel that Dann's life was in danger... even with his wounded wing. He felt more like Chuck Norris... just blazing through everyone with no difficulty. If there's no danger element, there is no tension. Without tension you have no emotional investment by readers and things seem dull and bland. Characters need development... even in short stories. It's actually what can make writing short stories harder than novels because you have very little time to explain and develop things.

On that note, there isn't really any overall sense of danger or loss. The Captain gets sucked out an airlock and dies (that was a confusing segment by the way... I'm still not entirely clear on how that happened). Other than that from what I remember, the whole crew is basically safe at the end with only two of them (Dann and the fish dude who is also mega laser awesome) really being involved in the story.

I'm not trying to tear things down here either... just offering constructive criticism (because I can tell you that most people here will not fully read your story as is).

Keep writing... write write write and then write some more. Read lots of books, expand your vocabulary and then write more. Things will improve in time. Good luck with things and I hope you stick around the forum as well.

I see where you're coming from on a lot of your points, and I appreciate you giving them. Also, Thank you for taking the time to read through the story in the first place. Oddly enough, I tried to give Alex (MR FISH) A turn in the spotlight. Thanks for your comments on how I made Dann OP. I tried to make him a bit weaker with the wing, but, I guess a bit of my inner awesomeness got in there . I do plan to use these characters in more stories, and I'll keep what you've said in mind as I write.