[Movies] Shark-jumpingest film ever?

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Gared

Gared

What in the actual fuck are they doing releasing a movie from "Hasbro, makers of the Transformers" based on Battleship? Are we going to have a Disney movie about a down-on-his luck millionaire who just can't seem to catch a break on his utility expenses while attempting to buy entire neighborhoods to build houses and hotels next? Maybe a movie about a cute alien race that prides itself on its ability to build giant, lopsided structures and the poor sod amongst them who always causes them to fall down who has to learn to trust his heart and not over-think which block he should pull out next?

Also, how the hell did they get Liam Neeson to star in this film? I didn't realize he was that much of a sucker.
 
ElJuski

ElJuski

Staff member
You're months behind the backlash of this movie. But yes, it looks pretty awful.


I'll wait a few months for everyone to catch wind about Adam Sandler's Candyland.
 
Gared

Gared

Heh. I don't actually watch much TV these days, especially now that the college football season and the Winter X Games are over. Just happened to be tired of sitting at my computer long enough to catch part of the Superbowl last night. Also, I wanted to believe you were yanking my chain about Candy Land. Sadly, it would appear that you were not.
 
Gared

Gared

So I'm assuming that Hollywood has run completely and totally out of ideas, and is now just going through their closets and pulling out random objects to make movies about. If so, I expect soon to see the movie release about a chewing gum collection, a horror film about the revenge of the aquarium fish who weren't fed, and a documentary on the manufacture of shag carpeting, with the big blockbuster being a rom-com about a homeless guy who buys some clothes at goodwill that someone donated because they were 20 years old and hadn't been worn except to that one wedding that one time, and the homeless dude finds a $100 bill in the pocket and goes on to live a charmed life in Uptown NYC.
 
Gared

Gared

Still haven't seen Transformers 3, but I definitely think I may have had a better reaction to this movie (I've always been a fan of military action movies, regardless of how far-fetched the premise is), if they hadn't specifically labeled it as "Battleship, from Hasbro."
 
Gared

Gared

That's ok, so am I. I was looking for something less serious than "what the fuck are they thinking" for the title, but more serious than "this seems dumb."
 
bhamv3

bhamv3

"With a smug grin any snake would be proud of, Roshov slowly slid his red piece across the slots along the top of the grid, before dropping it into the third - no, the second - opening. The round disc clattered downwards, its soft plastic impacts like machine gun fire to my ears. With a click of finality and doom, it slid into place.

In horror, I stared at the grid. Roshov's plan was suddenly completely clear to me, like a bright beam of light washing away the inky blackness that had clouded the mysteries before: With this move he'd created two lines of threes.

I felt my breath quickening involuntarily. I gripped the black piece in my hand tighter, its plastic surface growing damp from my sweaty palm. I had one chance, just one chance, to turn the tide. I needed to block both his lines of threes with my piece, and at the same time, against impossible odds, connect four."
 
Silver Jelly

Silver Jelly

What i think would be neat is a movie about a boardgame that you don't realise it's about it until after watching it and reflecting about what it was about.

(wait a second! That amazing thriller about the spy hunter looking for a spy who was also trying to hunt him down, and neither of wich know how his nemesis looks like... that was... "Guess who?" the movie!)
 
ScytheRexx

ScytheRexx

You can blame Pirates of the Caribbean.

Hollywood wants to get another one of those breakout hits that is based on a ridiculous property, because they know it can happen.
 
sixpackshaker

sixpackshaker

Lets sit down together and play a game of LIFE, write down all the moves and results, then make a script for the 3 friends whose lives were changed forever by a... GIANT, PLASTIC, CATHERINE WHEEL...

and you can hear that wheel's click each time the protagonists make a life changing decision.
 
Covar

Covar

I know, what's next? A murder mystery comedy about a group of colorful strangers with mysterious pasts invited to a dinner party? That would be terrible.
 
Tress

Tress

I don't think it's accurate to blame the root property on why "Battleship" looks so terrible. There's no reason a good movie couldn't be made from a board game. A good movie could be made from anything. This is more about hack writers and directors
 
Gared

Gared

Oh, don't get me wrong, I'm not blaming the board game for the movie looking like crap, I'm blaming Hollywood for having nothing better to do with their time and money than to make a movie that seems to be only loosely based on a board game (unless, of course, the action scenes in the film all revolve around giant peg-shaped objects dropping from the sky and sinking ships), then labeling it as being based on the board game for promotional value. Battleship was a fun enough game when I was a kid, and military action flicks can be great movies, even those with preposterous plots (because when was the last time you saw a battle ship in use in a modern navy? I believe they were pulled from duty from most modern navies in the 1990s.). I just can't fathom why Hasbro would stick their name on a crappy movie like this, why Liam Neeson would star in it, and why the studio execs expect people to pay to watch it (and sadly, I should probably add that I can't fathom why so many people are probably going to go see this). Hell, I love the movie remake of McHale's Navy, Down Periscope, Operation Petticoat, Mr. Roberts, Father Goose, Top Gun, Iron Eagle, The Dirty Dozen, Kelly's Heroes, and I'm sure there are many others that I'm forgetting; and that's not even getting into the more serious war movies like In Harm's Way, Tora! Tora! Tora!, Operation Pacific, Bridge over the River Kwai, Bridge at Remagen, 12 o'clock High, etc.
 
Gared

Gared

Yes, really. It looks like a completely shit movie, that will quite possibly bomb in theaters (at least beyond the opening weekend), will probably never make all that much money in DVD and Blu-ray sales, and will only keep their name in the public awareness for a few months at best - and probably only as the butt of jokes. Hell, Transformers, as a brand, has a huge amount of recognition, and I couldn't have told you until I saw the preview for Battleship that they were made by Hasbro. Besides, something like Transformers, despite how terrible the second movie was (still haven't watched the third), still has the potential to sell millions of units of new toys/comics/direct to DVD movies and cartoons/etc. That's easy to see with the movies that have been released, because there are plenty of different characters to buy, plus people trying to get their hands on the original merchandise, and people trying to buy the original cartoons because they were ticked off by the movies and want to recapture the glory days of the franchise. This is based on a board game. Granted, it was a talking, electronic board game (at least in some of its incarnations), but it's still only a one unit product. Where a family with 2 kids may buy 20 transformers toys, they would only need to buy one copy of Battleship, so this doesn't even really make that much sense from a merchandising standpoint.
 
PatrThom

PatrThom

I think I'll wait for the CGI movie based on Uncle Wiggily. Oh, and the rights to the board game are now owned by Hasbro, to boot. Sounds like a sure thing!

--Patrick
 
ElJuski

ElJuski

Staff member
It's not impossible to have a good board game movie; it's just really lazy to start there. Also, the people in charge and the context of it all is everything.
 
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