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My conspiracy theory is that Stanley Kubrick was hired to fake the moon landing, but he was such a stickler for detail he insisted on filming on location.
-Random YouTube commenter
When I die, I'll be going to hell. If not to be punished, then probably to be someone else's punishment.
PatrThom
PatrThom
You left out a third option, which is "to be an example for others." Or maybe "to teach," the prophecy is unclear on this point.
Nobody digs a well at the top of a hill. WTF were Jack and Jill doing up there...?
PatrThom
PatrThom
Considering that older versions tell the story of Jack and "Gill" (i.e., of two boys getting water), what were they doing, indeed?
mikerc
mikerc
Always dig your well uphill from the outhouse.
Roses are red, violets are blue. Pornhub is down, your facebook will do.
PatrThom
PatrThom
Their free premium must've put them over their data cap during the quarantine.
PatrThom
PatrThom
Also shouldn't this be, "...your MOM'S Facebook...?"
This should do the trick.

IRNTY-TRBN9-2MRQ5
PatrThom
PatrThom
This seems a lot more public than it was probably meant to be.
To this day, I'm still disgruntled that I was forced to learn to write in cursive as a child. It has literally never been useful.
Dei
Dei
Cursive exists so old people can complain that kids don't learn it anymore.
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I have to keep detailed journals of my work as a researcher. I write in cursive all the time. Print would be too slow. I use multiple pen colors, too, just to really old school it. I like to imagine some video game protagonist will pick up one of my notebooks one day and somehow thumb through 100 pages to the exact passage that hints at how to solve my intricate death traps, despite no interaction from the user.
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Uh, I mean "fun traps", FBI.
20 years ago, people escaped from the real world into the internet. Now people escape from the internet into the real world.
PatrThom
PatrThom
Twenty-SIX years ago, they were escaping from the movie theater into the real world. Coming from the Internet was just the next logical step.
It's so vulgar and unintellectual to call it "cum." Instead, call it high fructose porn syrup.
PatrThom
PatrThom
Or you could call it "bi-bro thigh's bae protein isolate" but that might be *too* intellectual.
Of all the bodily functions that COULD have been contagious, we are lucky it turned out to be yawning.
Brushing your teeth is the only time you ever clean your skeleton.
PatrThom
PatrThom
Kissing is the only time your skeleton normally touches someone else's, and you do NOT get extra points for finding new ways to do so.
I demand to be in good shape and I refuse to do anything to make that happen. Those are my terms.
My favorite childhood memory is the lack of joint pain.
PatrThom
PatrThom
Mine is being allowed to sleep as long as I damn well pleased on weekends.
GasBandit
GasBandit
You obviously did not have a dog when you were a kid.
PatrThom
PatrThom
I did. We had a golden retriever puppy I named “Playful” ... for about 10 days. He grabbed my pant leg one morning while I was jumping for my chin-up bar which made me faceplant, and when I came home from school that day, he was gone.
As long as you stay current on memes you can never truly be old - Dei, 1/24/2019
PatrThom
PatrThom
Does this mean Dei will always be more current than you?
I might be white, but I'm not "Let's go see what that noise was" white.
PatrThom
PatrThom
Won't that make people think you're yellow?
Babies sure stare a lot for somebody that doesn't know how to fight.
PatrThom
PatrThom
They're getting that vacant drunken stare down, though.
Like hornets, ticks do actually serve a larger, important role in the earth's ecosystem - they teach the compassionate the necessity and virtue of hate.
PatrThom
PatrThom
And they keep the opossums fed. You wouldn't want an opossum to die of starvation before it can grow up and be hit by a car, do you?
Being happy is like pissing your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you feel the warmth. Also I haven't experienced it since I was 7 years old.
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PatrThom
PatrThom
If true, then the quickest way to happiness is just to drink excessively.
The more a cat acts like a dog, the better a cat people say it is.
PatrThom
PatrThom
Conversely, I've noticed that I prefer the types of dogs that act more like cats. e.g., basenji, greyhound, whippet, Akita, borzoi.
PatrThom
PatrThom
And when a dog acts like a cat, they call it a fox.
My retirement plan is to start walking across streets without looking and hope I get reborn in an Isekai anime, because that apparently happens constantly.
PatrThom
PatrThom
Not in TX, though. Sorry.
"Does my Thai girlfriend have a penis?" he wondered. Something inside him told him, "yes."
PatrThom
PatrThom
He would have asked her about it sooner, but it had never come up.
You can say "Have a nice day!" and it's fine, but "Enjoy the next 24 hours" sounds like a threat for some reason.
PatrThom
PatrThom
You can also imagine how people react when you say, “Treasure what remains of your current 86400 second cycle.”
If I am expected to manage my anger, stupid people should be expected to manage their stupidity.
PatrThom
PatrThom
See, that's the thing, because at least you can TELL when you're being angry.
Reading is staring at a dead piece of wood for hours and hallucinating.
PatrThom
PatrThom
I thought it was a city in Pennsylvania?
mikerc
mikerc
Dead piece of wood? Get a kindle you Luddite!
Sears started out as a mail order catalog that would deliver products right to your door. They were driven to bankruptcy by internet sites that deliver products right to your door.
PatrThom
PatrThom
Pretty sure they were driven to bankruptcy by Eddie Lampert's greed.
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