Plot twist:
everyone has a minotaur penis
Story Idea (Title: The Chronicles of the Third)
- Thread starter Dave
- Start date
Dave
Staff member
Thread necro. Why? Because...prologue.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rhanna-t’Kon shook her head, her dark green hair shedding small droplets of water, the tall stalks of the chal grove towering over her. She did not mind the constant raining of the dew, of course, it was just something that the Thari were used to. She called up a memory of when the dew did not fall constantly, but these memories were some of the oldest she possessed. She disliked these memories, they were almost like remembering a different people altogether. She put them out of her mind and pushed through the faintly translucent stalk and into chaos.
The inside of the chal was spacious. Vast arrays of rope-like xylem and phloem crisscrossed the main chamber, disappearing into the darkness overhead, carrying the life-giving nutrients the chal needed for survival. These tendrils had been moved and shaped, forming several smaller chambers without damaging the plant itself. These chambers were used mainly for the Twinning and Joining ceremonies, but were also used as shelters during the frequent storms with which the All-Mother tested their resolve as a people.
Normally this was considered a holy site, filled with pensioners in quiet contemplation. Now, however, Rhanna could see Al’Thari rushing from chamber to chamber while the normally staid Dul’Thari were running. Running! Her memory showed her that the Dul’Thari only hurried when there was great trouble afoot.
She sent a quick prayer to the All-Mother as she saw Nalla-t’Hal headed her way. Normally flighty even for an Al’Thari, Nalla was more excitable than most. She had grown much in the last few weeks, Rhanna observed. Probably close to her Twinning.
“Rhanna!” Nalla exclaimed, breathlessly. “Thank the All-Mother you are here! They won’t let anyone in!”
This brought Rhanna to a halt. She quickly skimmed her memories, finding nothing. The Twinning and Joining chambers were open to all. They were, in fact, considered a holy place where all were welcomed and encouraged to visit. Nalla may be flighty, but Rhanna did not think the poor girl fully understand the importance of this event.
“I’m sure everything will be all right, “ Rhanna said, in a soothing tone that did not quite match how she felt inside. “The All-Mother is watching. Trust in Her and all will be well.”
With that, she pushed past the flustered Nalla and headed towards the now-closed main Twinning chamber. As she got closer she noted that there were several Dul’Thari standing guard, allowing no one past. She watched as a pair of Al’Thari attempted to first walk around the squat Dul’Thari, only to find their paths inexplicably blocked. The two then changed tactic and tried to flow through the organic walls of the chal but were again blocked, this time by a cadre of Al’Thari in flowing robes. The Priesthood was involved. Rhanna could feel something deep in her stomach. It had been a long time since she’d been afraid.
Not understanding the significance of the Priesthood, the two determined Al’Thari - who Rhanna now recognized as Brine-t’Lan and her mother, Lanni-t’Jos - tried again simply walking around the guarding Dul’Thari. With a grinding growl, a Dul’Thari grabbed Brine, restraining her and holding her in place.
A hush fell over the chal, Al’Thari and Dul’Thari alike standing with mouths agape. Thari searched their memories, but few went back so far as to recognize what an act of violence was. Rhanna knew. Her memories stretched all the way back to the Enlightenment, an unbroken string of memories that went back to when the Thari became self-aware. But like the others, Rhanna had never before seen violence.
Unlike the others, Rhanna could not afford to stand by and watch was to come next - whatever that was. She hurried forward, noting as she did that the Dul’Thari who had grabbed Brine had let go almost immediately, understanding that something had just happened. Something he could not begin to fathom. Dul’Thari never hurried in anything, and thinking was among the things they least like to do quickly. What he’d done had been instinctual and this frightened him as much as anyone in the chal. Granted, it had the desired effect as Brine and Lanni stopped trying to push their way into the chamber and just stood there like everyone else.
Finally, one of the Priesthood noticed Rhanna and moved to intercept her.
“Mistress!” The Priest looked relieved to see a member of the Council. Even though Twinning and Joining were under the auspices of the Priesthood, their participation was largely ceremonial and they rarely participated in any real capacity. In short, they had better things to do and left these things to the Council and their people. “Mistress, “ she repeated, “I’m very glad to see you! There is something happening in the Twinning chamber and, well, we don’t understand it or know what to do!”
“Priest t’Fan, how good to see you!” Rhanna fell into step beside her old friend. “Shirl, what’s happening?”
They walked quickly, the Al’Thari and Dul’Thari guarding the chamber melting away as if by magic, then reappearing behind the pair. Nobody attempted to follow.
The inner chamber of the chal stalk was used for Twinning exclusively. Joining was a holy event, but not nearly as holy as Twinning. The inner chamber was a place of contemplation, worship and communion with the All-Mother. Each turning of the day brought several hundred worshipers to this chamber, each bringing their prayers and devotions. The chamber felt alive, with an almost constant buzz. Rhanna never felt closer to the All-Mother than she did while in this chamber.
The first thing she noticed was the quiet. The inner chamber was designed to deaden sound, but this was not merely quiet - this was an absence of sound. Priests stood around, none of them saying a word.
The chamber stretched out for about fifty feet in diameter, the actual measurement depending on the season, temperature, and age of the chal stalk. In the center of the chamber were five mounds, none of which Rhanna recognized. She turned to Shirl, her confusion written plainly on her face.
“What is this?” Rhanna demanded. “What are those?”
Shirl did not respond right away. “Look again, Councilor t’Kon.“
Rhanna sucked in a breath at the sudden formality from her old friend. Then she saw. They were not mounds, they were the dessicated remains of Al’Thari and Dul’Thari. As she watched, the fifth mound in the center moved.
“Councilor t’Kon, “ Priest t’Fan said, “there is a Third.”[DOUBLEPOST=1352590976][/DOUBLEPOST]Please note that text formatting did not copy over, so some italics are gone. Also, this is a first draft and has yet to be edited.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rhanna-t’Kon shook her head, her dark green hair shedding small droplets of water, the tall stalks of the chal grove towering over her. She did not mind the constant raining of the dew, of course, it was just something that the Thari were used to. She called up a memory of when the dew did not fall constantly, but these memories were some of the oldest she possessed. She disliked these memories, they were almost like remembering a different people altogether. She put them out of her mind and pushed through the faintly translucent stalk and into chaos.
The inside of the chal was spacious. Vast arrays of rope-like xylem and phloem crisscrossed the main chamber, disappearing into the darkness overhead, carrying the life-giving nutrients the chal needed for survival. These tendrils had been moved and shaped, forming several smaller chambers without damaging the plant itself. These chambers were used mainly for the Twinning and Joining ceremonies, but were also used as shelters during the frequent storms with which the All-Mother tested their resolve as a people.
Normally this was considered a holy site, filled with pensioners in quiet contemplation. Now, however, Rhanna could see Al’Thari rushing from chamber to chamber while the normally staid Dul’Thari were running. Running! Her memory showed her that the Dul’Thari only hurried when there was great trouble afoot.
She sent a quick prayer to the All-Mother as she saw Nalla-t’Hal headed her way. Normally flighty even for an Al’Thari, Nalla was more excitable than most. She had grown much in the last few weeks, Rhanna observed. Probably close to her Twinning.
“Rhanna!” Nalla exclaimed, breathlessly. “Thank the All-Mother you are here! They won’t let anyone in!”
This brought Rhanna to a halt. She quickly skimmed her memories, finding nothing. The Twinning and Joining chambers were open to all. They were, in fact, considered a holy place where all were welcomed and encouraged to visit. Nalla may be flighty, but Rhanna did not think the poor girl fully understand the importance of this event.
“I’m sure everything will be all right, “ Rhanna said, in a soothing tone that did not quite match how she felt inside. “The All-Mother is watching. Trust in Her and all will be well.”
With that, she pushed past the flustered Nalla and headed towards the now-closed main Twinning chamber. As she got closer she noted that there were several Dul’Thari standing guard, allowing no one past. She watched as a pair of Al’Thari attempted to first walk around the squat Dul’Thari, only to find their paths inexplicably blocked. The two then changed tactic and tried to flow through the organic walls of the chal but were again blocked, this time by a cadre of Al’Thari in flowing robes. The Priesthood was involved. Rhanna could feel something deep in her stomach. It had been a long time since she’d been afraid.
Not understanding the significance of the Priesthood, the two determined Al’Thari - who Rhanna now recognized as Brine-t’Lan and her mother, Lanni-t’Jos - tried again simply walking around the guarding Dul’Thari. With a grinding growl, a Dul’Thari grabbed Brine, restraining her and holding her in place.
A hush fell over the chal, Al’Thari and Dul’Thari alike standing with mouths agape. Thari searched their memories, but few went back so far as to recognize what an act of violence was. Rhanna knew. Her memories stretched all the way back to the Enlightenment, an unbroken string of memories that went back to when the Thari became self-aware. But like the others, Rhanna had never before seen violence.
Unlike the others, Rhanna could not afford to stand by and watch was to come next - whatever that was. She hurried forward, noting as she did that the Dul’Thari who had grabbed Brine had let go almost immediately, understanding that something had just happened. Something he could not begin to fathom. Dul’Thari never hurried in anything, and thinking was among the things they least like to do quickly. What he’d done had been instinctual and this frightened him as much as anyone in the chal. Granted, it had the desired effect as Brine and Lanni stopped trying to push their way into the chamber and just stood there like everyone else.
Finally, one of the Priesthood noticed Rhanna and moved to intercept her.
“Mistress!” The Priest looked relieved to see a member of the Council. Even though Twinning and Joining were under the auspices of the Priesthood, their participation was largely ceremonial and they rarely participated in any real capacity. In short, they had better things to do and left these things to the Council and their people. “Mistress, “ she repeated, “I’m very glad to see you! There is something happening in the Twinning chamber and, well, we don’t understand it or know what to do!”
“Priest t’Fan, how good to see you!” Rhanna fell into step beside her old friend. “Shirl, what’s happening?”
They walked quickly, the Al’Thari and Dul’Thari guarding the chamber melting away as if by magic, then reappearing behind the pair. Nobody attempted to follow.
The inner chamber of the chal stalk was used for Twinning exclusively. Joining was a holy event, but not nearly as holy as Twinning. The inner chamber was a place of contemplation, worship and communion with the All-Mother. Each turning of the day brought several hundred worshipers to this chamber, each bringing their prayers and devotions. The chamber felt alive, with an almost constant buzz. Rhanna never felt closer to the All-Mother than she did while in this chamber.
The first thing she noticed was the quiet. The inner chamber was designed to deaden sound, but this was not merely quiet - this was an absence of sound. Priests stood around, none of them saying a word.
The chamber stretched out for about fifty feet in diameter, the actual measurement depending on the season, temperature, and age of the chal stalk. In the center of the chamber were five mounds, none of which Rhanna recognized. She turned to Shirl, her confusion written plainly on her face.
“What is this?” Rhanna demanded. “What are those?”
Shirl did not respond right away. “Look again, Councilor t’Kon.“
Rhanna sucked in a breath at the sudden formality from her old friend. Then she saw. They were not mounds, they were the dessicated remains of Al’Thari and Dul’Thari. As she watched, the fifth mound in the center moved.
“Councilor t’Kon, “ Priest t’Fan said, “there is a Third.”[DOUBLEPOST=1352590976][/DOUBLEPOST]Please note that text formatting did not copy over, so some italics are gone. Also, this is a first draft and has yet to be edited.
North_Ranger
Staff member
Hmmm... Interesting.
North_Ranger
Staff member
Interesting as in "I just happened to see this thread now and skimmed it up to now, reading your prologue and finding myself wondering what happens next".
So, good
Sorry if I was ambiguous, it's very late and my brain not work so good anymore.
So, good
Sorry if I was ambiguous, it's very late and my brain not work so good anymore.
If this is the first thing the reader is exposed to, I think it's too many new words and concepts introduced too quickly. I also didn't feel drawn into the story - rather than one big important question in my mind that made me want to continue reading, I had a dozen minor questions, and they were relatively mundane. Having been partially exposed to the overarching theme, though, may make this assessment less useful though.
Dave
Staff member
I wondered about this. The problem is trying to show these unfamiliar things without exposition. I'm hoping that it becomes more familiar fast. I don't want to say, "This is how these people do things." I want to show them. Which in this case is hard. One thing I didn't do yet is to incorporate the descriptions of the Al'Thari and Dul'Thari. I have bits & pieces, but was planning on doing illustrations before the chapters that showed what they looked like.
Dave
Staff member
Bumping the fuck out of this. The reasons will become clear. I'm also going to be giving away a bunch of spoilers, so if you want to give me ideas - which you guys did before and it was AWESOME!! - but not know the full plot, please stop reading. Otherwise...
Okay, here's what the plot is.
Okay, here's what the plot is.
As before, the races are Al'Thari and Dul'thari. The Al'thari are evolved from plants while the Dul'Thari are as much stone as they are creature. Al'Thari are female pronouns while Dul'Thari use male. I tried using neutral new pronouns, but people found it confusing. The series will be called "The Chronicles of the Third" while this first book is called "Of Stalk and Stone". This book deals with the coming of the Third and what it means that he is here. Some points that may or may not have changed from the past posts (in 2012!!):
Okay, that's the basis of the races and the world. Please note that this is initially from the point of view of the main Al'Thari protagonist, Rhanna. As it turns out, it's completely fucking wrong, but the reader doesn't find this out until the world is fully set up and accepted. But without giving everything away, here's what's going on. Then I'll get to my dilemma.
How does the Third get them ready for war? He can't just come out and say what's going to happen because the Al'Thari wouldn't be able to handle the "Big Truth" that I'm purposely trying not to reveal here. So I need a conflict that the Third can inflame and take advantage of, but I can't fucking think of any!
I can give more information to anyone who wants to help out. There's a lot left out by necessity. Like the "Big Truth" and how it affects everyone.
Books 2 & 3 are already sketched out a bit, with book 2 coming from a completely different point of view and book 3 from yet another. Thoughts?
- Al'Thari and Dul'Thari reproduce by a process called Twinning. A single Al'Thari and a single Dul'Thari merge, then split into four beings - two Al'Thari and two Dul'Thari. They are each a set of identical twins sharing everything including memory, which they call Memory.
- When an Al'Thari or Dul'Thari "dies" their Memory is absorbed by a pairing of Al'Thari and Dul'Thari. So nothing is lost.
- A Thari (which is what they cal the collective self) who dies and is not Joined in time is called Ended and to the Thari it is a true death.
- The Al'Thari live in a place called the chal Grove, chal being a tall stalked plant that resembles corn but is about 250 - 300 feet tall and flower with berries. The chal stalks are incredibly wide at the base and the Al'Thari live inside them. The Grove is completely encircled by the Wall - a massive barrier constructed by the Dul'Thari to protect the Al'Thari from the creatures in the Wilds outside the Grove. These creatures do not hold any danger for the Dul'Thari.
- The Dul'Thari live in a city called Highwall. The location of this place is a complete mystery to the Al'Thari, although they don't question it.
- The Al'Thari and Dul'Thari in the distant past were distinctly different races who were very savage and warred constantly. Then their god, the All-Mother, brought them The Enlightenment, which created the symbiotic relationship.
Okay, that's the basis of the races and the world. Please note that this is initially from the point of view of the main Al'Thari protagonist, Rhanna. As it turns out, it's completely fucking wrong, but the reader doesn't find this out until the world is fully set up and accepted. But without giving everything away, here's what's going on. Then I'll get to my dilemma.
- The Third is known to the Dul'Thari as a being known as the Harbinger, who appears when something momentously bad is about to happen.
- The Third is here because soon(ish) in the future, the races will be attacked by a "great darkness", which the Third knows little about - just that it's going to happen.
- Rhanna is sent to find a Dul'Thari called "The Outcast", who will set her on her next steps to battling the darkness to come.
- In the meantime, the Third is in the Grove getting it ready for war.
- Rhanna comes back, they get ready for war and the book ends with the darkness descending.
How does the Third get them ready for war? He can't just come out and say what's going to happen because the Al'Thari wouldn't be able to handle the "Big Truth" that I'm purposely trying not to reveal here. So I need a conflict that the Third can inflame and take advantage of, but I can't fucking think of any!
I can give more information to anyone who wants to help out. There's a lot left out by necessity. Like the "Big Truth" and how it affects everyone.
Books 2 & 3 are already sketched out a bit, with book 2 coming from a completely different point of view and book 3 from yet another. Thoughts?
Having not gone back and read the earlier posts (sorry), as for
wouldn't it make sense to
getting them ready for war and inventing a conflict
tell them that there's a new type of creature in the Wilds? If the Dul'thari have been protecting the Al'Thari for [long time], it can seem "only right" that, now there's some new creature coming, because of [reasons], that's a threat to the Dul'Thari but less to the Al'thari, they "return the favor", as it were. Not knowing exactly what or how the Wall was built, perhaps miners who want to drill in/through the Wall, or want to "harvest" Dul'thari because of diamonds/ores in their bodies?
Dave
Staff member
The only problem with that is that it too closely foreshadows the climax.
I was thinking about having the Third driving a wedge between different factions of the Al'Thari, but can't figure out what good that would do other than bringing out their dormant warlike nature. Which is what the Third wants, but I'm not sure how I'd stretch that over the needed space. I have about four chapters set for the conflicts in the Grove.
As to things that change all suddenly that make no sense...that could actually work because of the "Big Truth", which is...
I was thinking about having the Third driving a wedge between different factions of the Al'Thari, but can't figure out what good that would do other than bringing out their dormant warlike nature. Which is what the Third wants, but I'm not sure how I'd stretch that over the needed space. I have about four chapters set for the conflicts in the Grove.
As to things that change all suddenly that make no sense...that could actually work because of the "Big Truth", which is...
the Dul'Thari and Al'Thari are NOT symbiotic. The Al'Thari were given intelligence and awareness by the Dul'Thari. In the beginning the Dul'Thari were intelligent, but the Al'Thari were just really powerful and savage animals. The Dul'Thari gave them intelligence and created the symbiotic system so they could control the Al'Thari. In fact, they are STILL controlling them by clouding their minds and making them more docile. The Third wants the Dul'Thari to "lift the veil" and let the Al'Thari know the truth, as it will take cooperation of both races to defeat the coming darkness, which is a race of creatures the Dul'Thari gave intelligence to eons ago. These creatures are insectoid, black, and can fly, hence the "darkness descending". The Third sees this darkness but doesn't know what it is. The book ends with the "cloud" of flying creatures descending on the armies of the Al'Thari and Dul'Thari.
Do the Dal'Thari know about the Harbinger, the Darkness Descending, and all that? If not, the basic way I can think of to make people train for war is sports. If they're not (really) aware of the Third's true nature, he can be anything from an emissary from the God(s) to a messenger from a long-lost cousin tribe (though that may again follow too closely the plot) or whatever, and might offer some prize or other for the greatest athletes in whatever type of sports most closely echos their way of fighting (javelin throwing, archery, fencing, wrestling, some sort of team sport à la rugby/football with teams working together to bash the other side out of the way, jousting,...). Y'know, the Olympics as a means of improving martial prowess.
Any form of in-fighting seems like it would take more than 4 chapters to properly set up, unless you leave the Al'Thari with a lot of unresolved issues. That is, if the Third, say, causes a blight to damage the Stalks, then pins it on the [minority group of choice] so they start fighting amongst each other, then they have to find out it's all done deliberately and the [minority] are actually not at fault at all, reconcile, and band together to face a common enemy...It would seem the [minority] might still be harboring a grudge about that fight they just had last month.
Or, at the risk of weakening the climax or the reveal, the Third could have a small group of (captured and transported) Insectoid'Thari attack and wreak havoc, to give them a taste of what's to come so they know to prepare - not necessarily say "and this was 10 guys, they're coming in millions!" or even have it openly be connected to the Third - just, suddenly, a small group of them attack the Al'Thari, and after much troubles they bring them down; the Dul'Thari inform them they can't do it alone, and the Al'Thari begin training for these "rare" occasions of "small" bands getting through....Until, whoops, it's not a small band after all?
Any form of in-fighting seems like it would take more than 4 chapters to properly set up, unless you leave the Al'Thari with a lot of unresolved issues. That is, if the Third, say, causes a blight to damage the Stalks, then pins it on the [minority group of choice] so they start fighting amongst each other, then they have to find out it's all done deliberately and the [minority] are actually not at fault at all, reconcile, and band together to face a common enemy...It would seem the [minority] might still be harboring a grudge about that fight they just had last month.
Or, at the risk of weakening the climax or the reveal, the Third could have a small group of (captured and transported) Insectoid'Thari attack and wreak havoc, to give them a taste of what's to come so they know to prepare - not necessarily say "and this was 10 guys, they're coming in millions!" or even have it openly be connected to the Third - just, suddenly, a small group of them attack the Al'Thari, and after much troubles they bring them down; the Dul'Thari inform them they can't do it alone, and the Al'Thari begin training for these "rare" occasions of "small" bands getting through....Until, whoops, it's not a small band after all?