Rant VII: Now With 25% Less Drama

[Hailey Knight]

The baby rat died today. I'd probably sequester this from the rant thread if it was an older rat who got to live his full life like the others will, including the one who bit him and caused the infection that started all this. And maybe if it wasn't entirely our fault. We had so many opportunities to do differently that might have saved his life and the guilt is what's really fucking me up.

I've been getting up before dawn each morning to treat his tail with chemicals, antibiotics, and burn cream as instructed by the vet, then doing it again in the evening. We paid vet bills, paid a lot of surgery today, and then he died after the surgery (which we still gotta pay for), likely because he'd become very weak in the last couple days. Could've had that earlier too, but no, we thought that was risky. Stupid.

First I think the guilt's the worst thing. Then I think it's that we won't have this bouncy, happy little guy around anymore, who didn't hold a grudge like one of our other rats would after all the shit we had to do to his tail in trying to save his life. But really the worst is watching my wife deal with this herself. I'd probably get through this much more easily except that seeing her cry breaks my heart. She was never allowed to have pets when she was a kid. Enlil wasn't her first pet, but this is her first pet death, plus it's a baby, plus it's by circumstances we caused--I can hardly remember my first pet death when I was a kid and my comforting skills are terrible. I feel terrible.

His body was already stiff when we went to the vet's office and that felt wrong considering what weird poses he'd slide himself into and sometimes get stuck in. He was our little squid. I wish him better luck next time around.

 

[AshburnerX]

How did this all go down? I don't remember seeing a post when it happened.

 

[Hailey Knight]

How did this all go down? I don't remember seeing a post when it happened.

I kept things to the Whiny Rant thread because that's what it was at the time--my bitching about "gotta get up before 6 AM to do this, man it's so annoying, but damn if I don't love the little guy". I've been doing that for two or three weeks, and he seemed to be getting better despite the infection.

Then last night we noticed the wound had spread from the big scabby splotch and there was blood on his nose, so he'd clearly been gnawing at it. We put a gauze on to deter him, but by this morning he was sluggish and not eating. We took him to the vet, who said the best chance he had was to amputate his tail. He warned us about the anesthesia and that Enlil was weak. Then I got a call from the vet that the surgery went well, but his heart stopped just after.

Within the span of 24 hours, he went from hopping around on the couch, to lethargy, to barely being able to move and his tail swollen quite a bit, to deceased.

 

[AshburnerX]

I feel your pain. I still remember how my mouse had a seizure out of nowhere and spent an hour or two in what looked like agony before he died. Even in your 20's, there is nothing worse than the sheer terror of knowing there is nothing you can do to help your friend's pain and the terrible guilt of knowing it looked to you for comfort that didn't come.

Fuck, now I'm tearing up.

 

[SeraRelm]

Fuck you, oxycodone. My appetite is bad enough without you making it worse!

 

[Cajungal]

I'm sorry, Sera. Feel better.

 

[figmentPez]

Fuck my life.

Since my health has started going downhill again, my family wants me to go into a 6 - 8 week treatment at a psychiatric facility. DAMN IT! My problems are not at their root psychological. There is something non-psychiatric wrong with me and I'm very doubtful that going in such a program is going to help with that. I could deal with being away from the internet and all my friends for that long if I thought it was with a purpose, but I honestly think trying that would only make things worse because it's not going to address the real problem, whatever the hell that is.

 

[SeraRelm]

Last of the oxycodone down the hatch. Hopefully tomorrow I'll be more clearheaded and my stomach won't feel like a gnawed-on pit. The inhalers seem to be working well though.

 

[PatrThom]

There is something non-psychiatric wrong with me and I'm very doubtful that going in such a program is going to help with that.

Maybe you have something that can only be cured by accumulating large amounts of anger and stress hormones, and they just aren't telling you 'cuz it would ruin the treatment.

--Patrick

 

[figmentPez]

Not funny.

 

[bhamv3]

Maybe you have something that can only be cured by accumulating large amounts of anger and stress hormones, and they just aren't telling you 'cuz it would ruin the treatment.

--Patrick

Pez can only be cured by turning into the Hulk?

Anyway, in seriousness, Pez, I know what it's like to have family members pressuring you into accepting treatment you don't really want or need. They feel they have your best interests at heart, but that doesn't mean they're actually helping. Road to hell, good intentions and all that.

Take care, man.

 

[PatrThom]

Not funny.

Wow. You are testy.

--Patrick

 

[figmentPez]

Anyway, in seriousness, Pez, I know what it's like to have family members pressuring you into accepting treatment you don't really want or need. They feel they have your best interests at heart, but that doesn't mean they're actually helping. Road to hell, good intentions and all that.

Take care, man.

I need treatment. There is some serious shit wrong with me. I just don't know that a psychiatric facility focused on treating mental illness is the right place to figure out what is physically wrong with me. I'm seriously worried that a treatment program that tries to push me assuming that my mental problems (which I do have) are the root cause will only make things worse. On the other hand, nothing is improving as things are and I don't know any other way to get help.

The idea of going in there and ending up trapped and eventually dying because no one will believe me is really scary. I've read through as much of the clinic's website as I can, and there's hardly anything about dealing with non-psychiatric problems. My health is slowly sliding downward as it is, I don't think it's unreasonable to think that throwing medications at the problem is going to make it worse. Not to mention they're likely to expect me to be physically capable of more than I am, if they assume I'm tired because I'm depressed when I'm depressed because I've been in a fuck-ton of pain for more than a decade. That doesn't even get into the problem of having no idea what the hell they'll do about my diet. I honestly have no idea what will happen there, and I don't like having that looming.

I just don't trust anyone with my health right now. Right now eating a single damn cracker, or a few potato chips, is enough to cause diarrhea, but my family didn't even consider what would be done about my diet if I were put into a hospital. Did not even cross their minds. And I'm supposed to feel like they're watching out for my health?

 

[figmentPez]

Wow. You are testy.

Yeah, I'm fucking testy. I'm in a lot of pain right now, my health is slowly going down the tubes, and it's looking like the only option I'm being given for treatment holds a good chance of making things a whole lot worse, while separating me from my only friends and every bit of joy that remains in my life. Is that reason enough to be testy for you?

 

[Tress]

Have you voiced your concerns to your family? I think explaining that you don't want your physical health taken for granted is unreasonable, and maybe the clinic would allow you computer access to keep up with your social life? There's got to be some kind of compromise or new idea that can be reached that would satisfy both you and your family.

 

[SeraRelm]

Things don't always work out that way. Make the effort, yeah, but don't expect it. One can only hope.

 

[figmentPez]

Have you voiced your concerns to your family? I think explaining that you don't want your physical health taken for granted is unreasonable, and maybe the clinic would allow you computer access to keep up with your social life? There's got to be some kind of compromise or new idea that can be reached that would satisfy both you and your family.

Yeah, I voiced my concerns. They told me that physical concerns are the primary things that doctors are going to be looking for, but I can't see what that's based on besides their platitudes. As for keeping computer access, I have no idea. My parents seem to think my spending any time online is harming my ability to form real-world relationships. They keep pushing me to "have real relationships". Granted, Halforums is pretty shallow and I don't know most of you that well, but LittleKagsin is my best friend right now and that's as real a friendship as I've ever had with anyone.

 

[AshburnerX]

The idea of going in there and ending up trapped and eventually dying because no one will believe me is really scary.

If your agreeing to go to the treatment center, that's a voluntary commitment. Your allowed to walk away and they can't stop you unless they believe your a danger to yourself, and even then they can only hold you something 24-48 hours for "observation". They need a court order to declare you mentally unfit to keep you there any longer than that (unless someone else holds your power of attorney). This is actually very hard to do unless they've seen you violently attack someone, attempt suicide, or your delusional enough to be a danger to yourself or others.

Not saying you should go, just saying you can get out if you want.

 

[makare]

My sister was in one and it was like a rec center with beds. It was cheerful and nice in there. Not sure if that is the norm but thats what she had

 

[SeraRelm]

Or what they told her to say...

 

[PatrThom]

Yeah, I'm fucking testy. I'm in a lot of pain right now, my health is slowly going down the tubes, and it's looking like the only option I'm being given for treatment holds a good chance of making things a whole lot worse, while separating me from my only friends and every bit of joy that remains in my life. Is that reason enough to be testy for you?

Hey, I'd love to help, but I have no background info, no medical degree*, and no way of assessing your situation. If you're at the point where you are lashing out at friendly Internet strangers, then you might've hit the point where you feel there may not be any solution and so have instead decided to hurt as many people as possible on your way out. I am assuming, however, that you do not know that it is hopeless, or else you would have moved beyond to that peaceful stage where you can't be hurt any more, and you would be a lot less vindictive.

It's OK to be scared. You did some research. You're not convinced what they're telling you is true. Unknown = scared. Got it. However, we didn't put you there. We aren't the ones scaring you. We aren't the ones stabbing you in the back, not metaphorically, literally, nor figuratively. Unfortunately, we also probably can't help move you, treat you, put you up, nor aid you in any other direct way. All we can do is commiserate, sympathize, listen, cheer, suggest, and/or entertain. It's not worthless, but it's all we got for ya. If it's not enough, then please understand that the majority of us are still trying to do our best, even after you bite.

--Patrick
*I'm a really smart guy, but I'm still a hack, so everything I say has to be prefaced with, "Not a substitute for actual medical advice," blah, blah.

 

[SeraRelm]

Hovering between sleep and awake now. I keep closing my eyes and hearing voices which jolt me back awake.

This message brought to you by a phone.

 

[figmentPez]

My sister was in one and it was like a rec center with beds. It was cheerful and nice in there. Not sure if that is the norm but thats what she had

I've been told this one is very nice and highly regarded, and I imagine that's likely the case.

What my own body does to me when pushed beyond it's limits is much worse than anything I'd expect from anything a clinic or hospital would throw at me. I know I can walk out, but it's walking that's the problem. I've been bad enough that I can barely walk the last couple weeks, and most days I haven't been able to climb stairs.

Most of my worries are probably just out of ignorance of how the medical system works, but it's still frustrating to have my parents treat me like I'm just trying to make excuses. I push as hard as I think I safely can, and routinely push too hard, but they always treat me like I'm lazy and not doing enough. They're the ones that put-off going to doctors when I was younger, and now they're being all-or-nothing about this. God damn it. This stupid situation is so fucking complicated.

 

[Frank]

Just hope you're wrong about it.

Nope. I was right, tonight I got told that she's been seeing a co-worker behind my back. So, rad. Get a free trip to Vegas out of me before dumping me. They must have both thought that was funny. Again, I dunno, I'm more angry about the dishonesty than about anything. Let me look like a fucking moron in front of everyone, ha ha, the cop in major crimes didn't notice his girlfriend was stepping out on him.

Also, my old hard drive in my pc melted, so today rules.

 

[Frank]

Ugh, I have boozey, chicken wing diahrrea too. fuck this night.

 

[PatrThom]

Ew.

--Patrick

 

[Null]

Ugh, I have boozey, chicken wing diahrrea too. fuck this night.

I have sympathy for you, but considering... no hugs.

 

[Officer_Charon]

Dude, I'm sorry man...

 

[Frank]

Anyways, I was a lot angrier last night after the drinking I did but it isn't as bad as I said there. I was dumped and she has been seeing another guy, but it isn't as malicious as it seems. They never, apparently, slept together. She was confused and torn before the Vegas trip and wanted to go with me to see if she did want to stay together or move on. I would've preferred straight honesty but that's me. I'm hurt because for the first time I didn't want the relationship to end.

Apparently, I'm too immature. Which kind of pisses me off. Why? Because I have nerdy interests such as tabletop RPGs and video games? I have my shit together. I own a nice house, a nice car and make more money than a vast majority of my fellow countrymen. My job is secure, has tons of room for advancement and in my current department, I'm pretty much completely out of harms way. My maturity level being tied to my hobbies infuriates me.

It doesn't matter. It's done. I'm moving on.

 

[strawman]

broke a bolt off when taking the shocks out of the big car. I'm leaving the shock off on that side until I get the bolt out, so the passenger side is very bouncy.

Hopefully the driver's side goes better this morning. Only bad part is that it's cold.....

 

[strawman]

... and now it looks like it's going to rain. Guess who has two thumbs and a high roof van that doesn't fit in his garage?

http://radar.weather.gov/Conus/centgrtlakes_loop.php

 

[Emrys]

... and now it looks like it's going to rain. Guess who has two thumbs and a high roof van that doesn't fit in his garage?

http://radar.weather.gov/Conus/centgrtlakes_loop.php

You're the one with the 400 kids. Get them out there with you to hold a tarp over you while you make the repairs.

 

[Sparhawk]

My maturity level being tied to my hobbies infuriates me.

It doesn't matter. It's done. I'm moving on.

Man Frank, I hate to hear this for you. Sounds like she has that pre-conception about "When you're an "adult" you can only do "adult" things."

I know I got lucky with meeting my wife, and still lucky to have her today (it really is Lupus...) but we, together, realized early on that you have to have fun because you don't know how long you're gonna have. She's been out paintballing with me, gone to comic conventions, and even likes my book collection (and reads them), and I've gone to Disney because of her (and loved it) and we're going back, without our child, with another couple just to have a week of adult fun together (gotta keep my snack credits for food though, she wants to take mine for cupcakes, but they're mine for Goofy Gummies!) *she was reading over my shoulder*

You'll find that person, and you'll know it, so keep your towel at hand.

 

[Officer_Charon]

Dude, it's a damned shame that she couldn't get her head past the idea that "youthful pursuits = immature dork."

.... I had something innovative and non-pithy to add, but then a sergeant started talking to me about reports, and my train of thought was derailed.... insert platitude here, and keep on keeping on, brah. *fistbump*

 

[Shegokigo]

I've only dated 2, maybe 3 girls that I ever bothered telling about my "geek" side. It's a straight turn off in the "adult dating world". Out of the 2 girls I told, both of them were because it was going to become a long term relationship, otherwise? Not a chance.

There's just too many hard-coded preconceptions about a gamer/geek that will never see a full acceptance in this "Jersey Shore" kind of General Populace.