[Thread Game] Post the punchline, just the punchline, to your favorite joke

"I'll show you and your fucking canoes."
Three guys get captured by cannibals. Two of a demographic you don't think that highly of and the third guy is of one you like in an endearing way like "haha man those guys are kinda different and weird" The cannibals tell the captives that they are going to be eaten and their bones and skin will be used to make their canoes. However they may choose the method of their own death.

The first guy says he wants a knife. They give him a knife and he stands up and says something that confirms his demographic before slitting his throat.

The second guy says he wants a gun so they give him one. He stands up and says something that confirms his demographic and shoots himself in the head.

The third guy thinks for a second and asks for a fork. The cannibals are confused but it's their custom to never deny the last request like that so they go find him one. The guy takes the fork and starts stabbing himself all over.

"What are you doing? Surely this is worse than using any of the other methods!"

"You guys might kill me, and you might eat me but I'll show you and your fucking canoes!"
 
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"The ostrich says nothing, because ostriches can't talk."
So this guy Bob has a friend called Rick. Rick lives the life. Big house, sweet car, lovely wife. Rick also throws the best kinds of parties. About once every three months or so, he throws an amazing party where everybody is invited, the booze flows like water, and things happen that keep it the talk of the town until the next party rolls around.

So on one of these nights, Bob joins the party. He's a bit late, 'coz he couldn't find his favorite tie, and you gotta dress up fine when you come to one of Rick's parties. Anyway, he gets there, and the party is in full swing. Bob grabs a drink, and goes to mingle. He says hi to Cheryl from work, and Vinnie, the barman at his other favorite hangout, and Sally the neighbor comes up for a bit because she really needs a babysitter for next week and gosh, the kids just love hanging out with Bob so much 'coz he's such a sweet fella.

As he's mingling, and having a good time, his eyes glaze over the crowd, and he spots an ostrich. Not just any ostrich, an ostrich sporting a big red tie and a beer-hat. Bob doesn't believe what he's seeing. Rick throws some wild parties, sure, but he's never had a wild animal over the floor. So he nudges Sally and is like "are you seeing what I'm seeing? Is that an actual ostrich?"

And Sally goes "oh, yeah! Dunno where Rick managed to get him from but he's a total riot! Really, you should hang out with him for a bit, it'll be great!" But as Bob looks over again, the ostrich has disappeared to another room. In Rick's house, these things come and go, so Bob figures he has better things to do than hunt down a damn ostrich at a party and goes to get another drink.

The night goes on, and Bob's outside a few hours later snacking on some pizza with Dennis, Rick's assistant. They always get pizza at parties like these, and other food as well, but Bob's favorite is the double pepperoni, 'coz it's exactly the salty, greasy bomb his gut needs after a bunch of cocktails. And as they're shooting the shit, Bob spots that damn ostrich again, through the window at the salon. So he asks Dennis about the ostrich, and Dennis is like "Man, you have no idea. Rick wanted to liven things up, you know? But the zoo wouldn't rent any animals out, obviously, so he got me to track down this weird ostrich farmer out in the sticks to buy the damn thing, but for whatever reason every body loves him! I don't get it, man. It's just an ostrich, how fun can it be? But everybody swears they have a great time with him." Of course, by the time Bob looks over again, the mass of partygoers in the salon has shifted.

It's near the end of the night - 4am? 5am? Who knows. Time blurs together at evenings like these. Bob's half-asleep on the couch, nursing a beer, with Rick. People are still around, the music is still playing, but Bob is getting a bit sleepy as the years go on, and he can't pull it all night going all-out like he used to. Anyway, who else happens to walk into the room but the ostrich. Bob looks over to Ostrich, and then to Rick - who's passed out, at this point. Drugs may have been involved - Bob never touches the stuff, but you know. So, before the damn bird can get away again, Bob hoists himself unsteadily to his feet.

He stumbles on over to the ostrich, and points at him. "Y'know, ostrich, I don't get you," he says, "how come you're walking around with a tie and a beer-hat like you're a regular person, and everybody loves partying with you, when you're just a dumb bird?"

So the ostrich looks at him, slurps his beer hat, and opens his beak for a response.

But the ostrich says nothing, because ostriches can't talk.
 
What, you think I asked for a twelve-inch pianist?
Guy walks into a bar, pulls out a little man from his pocket, and a little piano, and the little dude starts playing. Guy next to him is amazed and asks about it. First guy has a genie, he says, so the second guy makes a wish. Bar is suddenly filled with ducks. Incredulous, the 2nd guy says "I asked for a million bucks! Not ducks!". First guy says "Genie's hard of hearing..."

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"$5 bucks, same as in town."
 
Yep, the version I heard was:

Two housewives are talking and complaining about their husbands' drinking. One of them said, "My husband came home last night completely drunk! He needed three tries to unlock the front door, then he fell face-first into the foyer, and then he tried to fight the hallway mirror! He broke it and cut his hand, and then I had to drive him to the emergency room!"

And the second housewife said, "That's nothing, my husband came home so drunk last night, he blew chunks right there in the front yard!"

And the first housewife said, "Well, that doesn't sound as bad, at least he vomited outside the house, right?"

And the second housewife paused and said, "You don't understand, Chunks is our dog."
 
A guy is driving along a road near an asylum and gets a flat tire. He pulls over and begins the process of changing his tire. As he gets the wheel off, all of the lug nuts roll away and fall down a sewer grate. Exasperated, the man tries to figure out what to do. A couple of the inmates had gathered at the fence and one of them pipes up saying, "Why don't you take a lug nut off each of the remaining tires and put it on the spare? You can then buy a new set when you get to some place that can fix your tire." The man says, "That's a great idea! I don't know why you're in that place!" To which the inmate replies...

"I'm in here because I'm crazy, not because I'm stupid."
 
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