Nick's Unending Depression

[ThatNickGuy]

Might as well make this a post of its own. Don't know why I'm doing this instead of putting in the Rant thread, but anyway. Full disclosure, I posted this on Facebook and Twitter as well. Again, don't know why. Probably for some pathetic need for attention.

So, an update: I am not okay.

I wanted to post something like this since talk of mental health came up after Anthony Bourdain's suicide. And I didn't for whatever reason. But yeah, I'm not okay.

The fact is, I've struggled to find any kind of joy in anything. Even before my own suicide attempt on New Years, I couldn't find joy in some of my favourite things like yoga or comics or anything.

I've been unemployed now for almost a year. I spend most days in front of the computer surfing websites, getting into stupid arguments with strangers, or playing video games. I can't even look at a job site without getting upset or even more hopeless because I don't see any jobs that would hire me or that wouldn't drive me further into depression. I have no experience beyond customer service, which I'm so fucking sick of. Even if I got a job, any that I could get wouldn't be enough to get a place of my own. So I'm stuck and can't do anything about it while I see everyone around me with careers, family, etc. And after turning 40, I just feel so fucking pathetic.

The yoga teacher training program ends in a few weeks and I'm so behind on the material because of my unending depression that there's no chance I could pass either test (written or practical where I teach a 40-minute class). I barely even think about yoga, let alone practice doing any. At this point, I doubt I'll even graduate because I can't complete the tests. Which means the plans I felt so hopeful for in September to teach yoga for a living will just be another failure in a long line of failures in my life. Just like failing at writing. Just like failing at teaching elementary. Just like failing wrestling school. Just like everything else, like friendships, relationships. Anything.

I feel like such a goddamn waste of space, stuck living with my parents for 5 years now because I can't get my shit together and actually do something with my life. I feel so broken. Even when I feel better, I still have no value in myself. I don't think I'm worth anyone's time or energy. So I just sit in front of the computer and spend all my time by myself. Because what else am I supposed to do?

I'm not okay. I haven't been okay for a long, long time (if ever). And I don't think I'll ever be okay.

 

[PatrThom]

I'll be honest, I want to be supportive.
But I have no clue what to do, probably because I'm not experienced/trained in such matters. I'm sorry.
So instead I will leave any future coaching/therapy/planning/whatever up to them, because I don't want "Fucked Nick up even worse" on my resume. Or my conscience.

--Patrick

 

[ThatNickGuy]

But I have no clue what to do

Neither do I and that's the problem.

Also, I am in counseling. I have a weekly group therapy for depression. But it's not really helping.

 

[Dei]

Have you seriously considered checking in to a psychiatric ward as an inpatient? I know they tend to get a bad rap, but sometimes it's good to be in a place that can monitor meds and be there until you can level out and stabilize.

 

[ThatNickGuy]

Have you seriously considered checking in to a psychiatric ward as an inpatient? I know they tend to get a bad rap, but sometimes it's good to be in a place that can monitor meds and be there until you can level out and stabilize.

Been there, done that. Multiple times. It doesn't help. I'm sent home and still have to deal with the same problems that put me in there in the first place.

 

[jwhouk]

Dumbest question in the universe:

Is there anything that helps things, even for a little while?

What are you doing/taking/saying/thinking/feeling when you don't feel depressed?

 

[Cheesy1]

All the hugs, man.
I wish I could convey how much I empathize. How nothing ever helps that empty feeling go away, and even when you SHOULD be happy you're not. The unending hopelessness, the constant feeling of worthlessness, and always being at a loss about what you can do about ANY of it.

 

[Hailey Knight]

Since this isn't the rant thing, we are off the leash to give advice instead of just feelings.

My first suggestion was going to be therapy, but you've said you're already doing that and it's not helping. I think the in-patient suggestion was because (and maybe we're misinterpreting) you seem like you're on the same road of thought right now that led you to New Year's and previous incidents, and maybe it would help to cut it off at the pass. Short of that, restructuring medication. Medication is the only thing that helps Julie and while the media presents that as something you get and it fixes things, as she's gotten older the dosage and and combinations have to change to suit her changing body. It's never a finished process; it is regular adjustments.

And I know one way of looking at it is "all these things are bad, of course I'm depressed," but here, depression is sabotaging future opportunities. That's not a matter of life sucks, so react to it. That's like having a parasite that's protective of its own existence. Even if everything was going right, that may alleviate some of the parasite's strength, but it would still be there. So it's not your life problems that are doing this to you; that's just the depression's reasoning.

So my advise is to talk to your psych doctor and discuss changes in medication. And if they're not interested in that, get online and find someone else who will listen.

 

[strawman]

I echo that. Depression this bad requires medical intervention, at least every three months until you’re feeling better.

Writing things down helps because you’ll have ups and downs and during the ups you won’t feel like you need the appointment, and if you attend you might not faithfully report the downs you’ve had since the last appointment, and for similar reasons a written record helps when you attend during a down period.

Once a year isn’t enough while you’re still this miserable this often.

Post automatically merged: Jun 15, 2018

And perhaps you’ve already done that, but even at 40 years old it’s unlikely you’ve tried every medication available, and all their combinations and permutations. It’s worth going again and again and again because there is likely a combination that will bring you relief.

Lastly, consider using one of those seven day pill minders. I know a few very smart, careful people who e told me they switched to one and were surprised at how good their brain was at making hem think they’ve been following their medication plan when they actually were missing a day here and there.

 

[LittleKagsin]

You mentioned doing group therapy - is that the only therapy you’re doing? Because you might benefit from a one on one experience more.

Also, are you possibly allowed to shop around for therapists? I’ve said it before and I stand by it: not all therapists will be a fit for you. I went through four before I found one that I connected with and I trusted. Imagining if I had stayed with the first few, I’m positive I would’nt have made much progress, if any.

Are you on any medication for depression? Being this down, to me, either requires meds or a change in type and/or dosage. You shouldn’t be feeling this rough if you’re on medication. And if you aren’t, I would definitely look in to it.

I also just want to say, desiring attention isn’t pathetic. At all. That’s pretty much human nature, I think. We all want approval and affection to some degree. So don’t beat yourself up because that’s something you are potentially wanting. It’s okay to want attention and it’s okay to need it.

I know I can’t do much to help. All I can do is say words. I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. I can tell you I understand, but I know it doesn’t change anything.

I’m also going to add, just because, please don’t compare yourself to others. You talk about how everyone else lives are in a ‘better’ place than yours - jobs, families, etc. Even if you’re working towards those things, it will never benefit you to compare yourself to them. I know it’s easier said than done, especially when you’re feeling this down, I get it, but re-training your thought process and how you talk to yourself and think about yourself will help a lot.