Like a cell phone in a bomb shelter, I don't get signals (dating advice)

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BACKGROUND
So the other night, I was hanging out with three female friends of mine. The gal whose wedding I performed (we'll call her Mrs. M) and her two roommates, to be specific. I have hung out with them like five times since school started back up this month. One of the two roommates is single. I met her last year, only a few months after getting dumped, and I was...not my best. I've trying to make up for that first impression by bringing the three of them fresh baked cookies almost every time I come visit. Seems to have worked.

Anyhow, single girl is a nerd. She's a big Doctor Who fan, loves Firefly, had read Snow Crash, digs Star Trek, loved X-Men First Class, reads TV Tropes, etc. To show how off my game I was when I met her, those are all things I'm in to and NONE OF IT came up in the hours her, Mrs. M, and I spent hanging out.

THE POSSIBLE SIGNAL
While Mrs. M and Roomie-With-A-Boyfriend were off in their own little conversation, Single Roomie and I were talking. We were at the movie theater, seeing a midnight show of Pulp Fiction, and there was a Twilight poster outside the theater, so we were discussing that. I mentioned that my ex was a Twihard and a Gleek, and that I thought I could do better going forward. She agreed...and then she said what I needed to do was find a really nerdy girl to ask out.

THE FRIDGE LOGIC
She coslays. She watches Doctor Who. Earlier that night, she borrowed a BUNCH of my DCnU #1s (9/16). She owns Firefly on DVD. I referred to "thought viruses" on the drive home and she asked if I had read Snow Crash.



THE QUESTION
WAS THAT A SIGNAL? Or just friendly advice?

REASONS FOR DOUBT
  • Mrs. M is on record as saying that she can not, under any circumstance, picture me and Single Roomie dating. Seeing as Mrs. M is one of my most level headed friends, I take her opinion as next to gospel.
  • The aforementioned horrible first impression.
  • While not being obsessed and depressing, I haven't exactly been smooth and confident around her neither.
  • The self esteem issues that render next to unable to understand signals.
So Dave (and anyone else who wants to weigh in)...signal or no?
 
yeah, ask her out, dummy
Dude, I look like this

,

own the complete Prince filmography, sleep under a vintage Masters of the Universe bedsheet and buy $40 a week (or more) in comics. I'm not usually having girls give me a first look, much less a second.

EDIT: Also, this is a piece of advice nearly every female friend I have has given me. Except Single Roommate was the first who was both 1) Single and 2) not my little sister.
 
She's giving signals. Take the hint, man up, and ask her out.
Fair enough. I'm not going to ask her on a date date just yet...but she's an art student and a city wide art exhibition/contest starts on Wednesday. I wanna check it out this weekend. Mrs. M has people coming in from out of town and is therefore unavailable. Ask her to join me and see how things play out.

Who cares if she may or may not have been giving a signal? Ask her out anyway!

Duh.
I would like to keep the possibility of awkwardness with my best friend's roommate, whom she hopes to continue living with after she graduates until her husband's stint in the Navy is over (if feasible), to a minimum, thankyouverymuch.
 
She's giving signals. Take the hint, man up, and ask her out.
Yup.
Added at: 19:44
The thing about confidence is: fake it til you make it.

It seems silly (and circular), almost irritatingly so, but pretending you're more confident/comfortable than you are can give you that very confidence.
Yup. Lost of people you think are so super confident? Not as confident as you think they are.
 
I would like to keep the possibility of awkwardness with my best friend's roommate, whom she hopes to continue living with after she graduates until her husband's stint in the Navy is over (if feasible), to a minimum, thankyouverymuch.
I hate to sound critical, but you're rebuking him for not knowing information you didn't give us in the first place..... It also sounds like an excuse not to do it. If you're just to hesitant to ask, that's the problem to overcome, don't find other reasons (the time's not right, I don't have a good date-plan, future awkwardness, what if she's a long-lost first cousin I'd better wait for that DNA test...) because you'll always find a good reason not to do something.
 

figmentPez

Staff member
I would like to keep the possibility of awkwardness with my best friend's roommate, whom she hopes to continue living with after she graduates until her husband's stint in the Navy is over (if feasible), to a minimum, thankyouverymuch.
If you're polite, I don't see any reason for awkwardness.
 
I would like to keep the possibility of awkwardness with my best friend's roommate, whom she hopes to continue living with after she graduates until her husband's stint in the Navy is over (if feasible), to a minimum, thankyouverymuch.
To be blunt, you're not worth getting awkward over. Ask her out. Regardless of the outcome, it only becomes awkward if you find out she's your sister, or if you decide to let it become awkward. She's just a person. You're just a person. You can relate on multiple levels if you so choose., and go up and down the levels without jeopardizing the other levels.

Unless she does turn out to be your sister.

AWWWKWARD...
 
Note: Women don't leave their "interest window" open very long. If we hint once or twice, you don't bite? We actually completely lost interest in you in "that way". Do not think that taking your time increases you chances. It's a mistake ALOT of rookies make. We know right away whether we're interested or not. The actions/words you do after that first impression, will either slightly increase our interest or massively decrease it. Hit while the iron's hot.
 
Last nerdy girl I asked out, and I swear on a stack of comics that I didn't do anything super creepy, blocked me on Facebook and never spoke to me again. So yeah. Don't want that, or anything remotely LIKE that, to happen with my best friend's roomie.

But I'm not using it as an excuse to not ask her out (or at least, to not try and spend some time with her 1 on 1). I'm saying it is the reason I'd like to be reasonably confident she'd at least not be offended by my advances before escalating to "let me take you to a movie, hold your hand, pay for everything, and maybe get a good night kiss when I drop you off".

Yes, I'm old fashioned about dating.
 
Yup. Call her/stop by tomorrow and be like, "Hey, *insert geeky movie* is playing tomorrow night. Interested in going with me? Maybe grabbing dinner and drinks after?"

BAM. Stay cool and confident and don't sweat it if she says no. It's one girl.
Added at: 20:00
*if someone gets offended by being asked out they are a dumbass and you are better off without them. If you aren't being creepy or weird and not acting like you are going to lock her in your basement with a bottle of lotion then she can't be upset. Even if she says no.

STOP OVER THINKING IT. STOP IT.
 
I'll be short and sweet. Use the following golden ticket phrase the next time you speak to her (alone) :

"Ok, this has been bothering me all night.... but what was Jane's favorite gun's name?"

(wait for her to answer - the answer is Vera)

If she gets it right :

"Wow. (chuckle and shake your head lightly) Heh... you're something else. Why did I know you'd know this? (smile) It's been far too long that I haven't watched Firefly. I need to do something about that."

(wait for her to answer)

"I say next weekend we should pop in the DVD, order in some food and have some fun."

(take it from here)

If she gets it wrong :

Ignore her, she's not worth your time.

Seriously though, you need to ask her out, if she gets it wrong simply state,

"Finally, I'm not alone to be tormented by this question. (perform a comical small evil laugh)"

"It's been far too long that I haven't watched Firefly. I need to do something about that."

"I say next weekend we should pop in the DVD, order in some food and have some fun."
 
But I'm not using it as an excuse to not ask her out (or at least, to not try and spend some time with her 1 on 1). I'm saying it is the reason I'd like to be reasonably confident she'd at least not be offended by my advances before escalating to "let me take you to a movie, hold your hand, pay for everything, and maybe get a good night kiss when I drop you off".

Yes, I'm old fashioned about dating.
You're old fashioned about it? We aren't in those times anymore. I mean that with just honest respect.

By the time you're reasonably confident, she'll have reasonably put you in the "good friend" state of mind. It's very very rare that a girl will pine for a guy, for a good long while, till he asks her out. 99% of the time, it's the other way around. Difference being that the guy will still be interested, she, won't.

-- I'm not saying charge at her like Rhino stamping the ground, throwing dust in the air, horn waving like a phallic symbol. I'm saying that after 2 real "hang outs" if you haven't tried to see if she really is interested, she probably won't be by the third.
 
Shego speaks the truth and it's been my experience too. When I was younger, I missed so many opportunities waiting for that 'perfect moment' that never came because nothing in my mind would ever convince me that it would be the right moment because of my own nervousness and lack of confidence.
 
OK, please take this down a notch, OK? I'm asking for fucking advice, not fucking orders. Until Friday night I wasn't even sure this girl thought of me as a friend, so this seems like an illogical fucking leap to me. Apparently this shit is easy for everyone else but I have a hard fucking time believing people want to see me platonicly, much less fucking romantically. You guys are at a six. I need you at about a four.

My plan here is to ask her to go check out ArtPrize with me. If she says yes to that, we can talk and hang out and if it goes well I will ask her out THEN. If she says "no", or brings the other roomie, or whatever, then she likely ISN'T INTERESTED. While the window can shut quickly (I know a girl who waited a year to win her man, though I'm not naive enough to presume such a thing would happen here), it is not like I see this girl every day, or even every fucking week. It can wait a contactless day or two.

Besides, I HAVE BEEN ALREADY BEHAVING LIKE A RESIDENT OF THE FRIEND ZONE EVERY TIME I'VE SEEN HER. And for me, that means being incredibly open about my MANY unattractive self esteem issues, my positively filthy sense of humor, etc. I've even managed to accidentally say insensitive things about adoption (she's adopted) several times. I HAVE BEEN OAFISH is what I'm saying. So yeah. Every rule in the book of attracting people, I HAVE BROKEN IN HER PRESENCE. No part of this makes sense. However, as I said, this is the kind of advice all my friends (80% of whom are female) have given me with the unspoken "who isn't me" at the end of it.

@Shego - I meant I am old fashioned in that I expect to and require that I assume the complete financial burden of an evening out, expect nothing more than a good night peck until the third date, and don't consider something a "relationship" until the third date. Most people I know go dutch, fuck the first time they hang out, and call it a "relationship".
 
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Thanks. I do want to thank you guys for giving advice. Really. But it is a massive fucking breakthrough on my part that I would even pick up that the juxtaposition could maybe have been a signal in the first place. It took me like a month and a half to figure my ex dug me and she had a friend come up to me and ask if I liked her (so fucking high school, that was).

It is also important to note that the time she said this was pretty much the first time we had had a two way conversation this year. At all.
 
My plan here is to ask her to go check out ArtPrize with me. If she says yes to that, we can talk and hang out and if it goes well I will ask her out THEN. If she says "no", or brings the other roomie, or whatever, then she likely ISN'T INTERESTED.
Thats pretty much perfect man. No one was giving you orders FYI, just saying, don't be afraid to step out a bit, even if it makes you uncomfortable. It's not easy for anyone when they first get into the dating game to ask people out, hell it's not easy for most people even after they've done it 10 or 20 times. The real trick is acting like you aren't super nervous even though you are. :)
 
My best advice is to don't do anything. Friendships like these are forever and you'll never regret doing nothing for the possibility of what could have been.

Plus what if she said no? That might be awkward. AWKWARD! No one ever gets over those feelings. Like, ever.


Nah man, you should just wait for the right woman to find you. Hang in there, baby!
 
My best advice is to don't do anything. Friendships like these are forever and you'll never regret doing nothing for the possibility of what could have been.

Plus what if she said no? That might be awkward. AWKWARD! No one ever gets over those feelings. Like, ever.

Nah man, you should just wait for the right woman to find you. Hang in there, baby!
See, the sarcasm here would be funnier if I hadn't lost a friend once already in the last year because I dared to ask her out. Asked a girl I got along with great on a date. She said no. She then blocked me on FB and has refused to speak to me since. So yeah. If that happened with this girl, I wouldn't be able to comfortably visit my best friend's apartment ever again (I may have performed her wedding, but she has to live with her roomie). This is a real worry in my world. It is (very remotely) like how I think about parents' deaths. To most 20-somethings, it is something that is going to happen a long time from now and they don't have to think about. For me, it is something that has happened once already and I should kind of plan for should the worst happen.

@Espy - thanks. :)
 
As an aside, the girl who never spoke to me again ended up making me more confident. Reminded me that not every rejection feels like being dumped after a 2.5 year relationship.

EDIT: New advice. I was thinking of asking her why she's been single for three years as subtle way of divining the situation. If she asks why I ask or what I mean (which seems likely), I tell her (honestly) that since she's a good looking woman who is basically a nerdy dream girl, I assumed it was by choice (her last break up was baaaad). Good idea or bad idea?
 
How about "I have a question for you - you look fantastic, you're a nerdy dream girl, how are you still single?"
 
That makes her think of her flaws and why she is still single.

Just ask her out man. Don't try and set yourself up I promise, it will come out awkward. Set ups just happen. She'll say she loves x kind of food and you say, hey! I love to cook x kind of food. Can I make you dinner at my place tomorrow? Maybe we can watch that firefly marathon after?
Then you go home and learn to cook that kind of food FAST. :p
 
I would never go with that approach. You're simply opening a huge can of worms with that.

It'll put her on the spot firstly, she'll know your intention in a less than desirable way and lastly you may not really want to know why. A lot of women don't feel like selling themselves why that question is a fact. They'll try to dress it and most likely lie to your face, they'll probably look annoyed as they'll basically take that as "What is wrong with you?". Don't ask me WHY, but that's what happens. Women are strange beasts.

Some may get defensive on that approach and it's as direct a question you're unlikely to know that it truly is. Some snarky ones may even think your question is stupid and nosy.
 
actually on second thought, if you unironically say stuff like "friend zone", don't ask her out and stay home and read about the ladder theory and wait for a better opportunity for another 60 years until you die
 
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