I need advice.

I could post this anonymously, but I think it would be obvious that I was the one asking.

I never wanted to have children. I love my daughter with all my being, but I didn't want to have her in the first place. My wife and I talked about it a long time ago and we decided to have a child, but only one. Our pregnancy was a difficult one. We almost lost her a few times. It was an experience I don't want to repeat. We also decided that I was going to get a vasectomy eventually because the side effects on my wife with other methods. We decided that if things were going ok in the future, we could even adopt a child.Now, seven years later, I have a date for my vasectomy and my wife is having second thoughts. She wants another baby and I really don't want to. I don't know if I should go on with the surgery or try to have a baby. I want to make my wife happy but this is something I can't do for her. What can I say to her?
 
I want to have good advice, I really do.
Instead the best I can do is to ask whether you both think you will be able to support a 20-yr committment, and whether she thinks having another baby is worth the inevitable hassle of dealing with two children in the house, presumably while you are at work and not able to help out.
Also there is the doctor's opinion on whether or not she should be having another child. I don't know your ages, your health status, etc.

--Patrick
 
You could always have some of your semen stored should you decide in the future that you want another child after all. And if you truly change your mind later, vasectomies can be reversed. It's highly inconvenient, but it can be done
 
You could always have some of your semen stored should you decide in the future that you want another child after all. And if you truly change your mind later, vasectomies can be reversed. It's highly inconvenient, but it can be done
Storing semen is not something we have access.

I am 40 years old and my wife is 39. I think that if we decide to have another child, it should be now or never.
 
I would definitely have her talk to her doctor. If she nearly died several times the first time, being nearly 40 is probably not going to improve the odds. However, if you strongly don't want to have a second child, that should be all that matters in your opinion. If you say you want her to talk to her doctor first and she gets the green light on that front, it won't do you any favors.
 
I would definitely have her talk to her doctor. If she nearly died several times the first time, being nearly 40 is probably not going to improve the odds. However, if you strongly don't want to have a second child, that should be all that matters in your opinion. If you say you want her to talk to her doctor first and she gets the green light on that front, it won't do you any favors.
Sorry if I wasn't clear. During the pregnancy, the baby was in danger, not my wife.
 
...we decided to have a child, but only one. ...seven years later, I have a date for my vasectomy and my wife is having second thoughts.
That's fairly normal. Closing the door on a possibility - even if it was a very remote possibility - will always cause this kind of grieving.

I believe this is a decision you both should agree to, otherwise there will be lingering regret or even anger.

If she's having second thoughts I don't think you should discount them or even argue against them. Accept them, talk it out, understand what she's mourning when that door is closing. She's losing a dream. Up until now she hasn't had to face it, but now it's right there and she has to go through the grieving process for children that could yet be.

It's clear you don't want more children, but it's not clear how much she does.

Maybe she's just mourning the possibility, but was never going to act on it.

Maybe she really wants another child and she's hoping to change your mind - but it's been 7 years, so I'm guessing this is less likely.

She's your love, your partner, and what she needs now is support. You don't have to agree with her desire, but you probably shouldn't get the vasectomy if she's still having strong feelings about it.

Either way, accept her mourning, mourn with her and support her as much as you are able.

With what little I know of you and this situation, I'd approach it this way:

"I'm not interested in having more children. I think that having a vasectomy is the best course of action to avoid having you take hormonal drugs for the next decade, but I know it's hard to shut the door on the possibility of having more children. I don't want to cause any unhappiness, so I'm willing to cancel the appointment if that's what you'd like. That doesn't mean I'm any more willing to have children that I was before, but it's a decision we both have to agree to and I respect your desire for another child even if I'm not willing to act on it."

"Should I cancel the appointment?"

If all she needs is recognition that this is hard for her, she will probably have you go through with it, but she will hopefully feel that her feelings are being considered and understood.

If she really does want another child, she'll say cancel, and this opens the door for further discussion. You two should really hash this out.
 
Even so, your wife being over 35 places her in the "older pregnancy" category according to the medical field, and she should speak to a doctor first.

But the main issue is that you can't do a kid half-way, so if you're both not fully on board, it's probably not a good idea for everyone involved. The time, the finances, and the fact that you'll never stop being a parent (just because they turn 18 doesn't mean your job is done) is all things you have to sit down and discuss. Also important: why does she want to have another baby?
 
My husband's wouldn't get a vasectomy until I agreed to it, I always wanted more kids but my husband did not. We spent a lot of years waffling on it because of concern that we'd have another child with autism. When I finally gave him the green light, it wasn't because my desire for more children was gone, but my kids had reached the point where I didn't want to start over with babies again when my children were finally old enough that we could do fun things that would be a hindrance with a baby. But I mourned it for months. We even had a conversation about reasons my husband might decide to get it reversed.
 
Also important: why does she want to have another baby?
I think her doubts started last year when we had a pregnancy scare. I tried to act supportive and without fear of what could happen. I think she took it as if I'm more willing to have another child.
 
Well, today was the day. My wife didn't sleep thinking about this and ask me not to do it. I will cancel the appointment. In the end, we are going to her doctor and if she says that everything is ok, we will try to have another baby. If not, at least I tried.
 
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