figmentPez
Staff member
Hey guys, long time no see. I'm borrowing my new roommate's laptop to post this, but I should have my own netbook tomorrow.
In short, I've spent the past, roughly, 2 months in a psychiatric hospital. Checked in because I was depressed to the point of suicide because of my long-standing health problems, and ended up finding out a lot more about myself in the process. Here's what I said to Jay about it, roughly 2 weeks ago:
---
Well, the first day was pretty damn crappy. Getting packed and ready to go was really nerve-wracking, not knowing how long I'd be gone for, or what to really expect. Plus my grandfather was in the hospital and we were going to see him on the way to the psychiatric hospital. On the drive to see my grandfather we got a call that he had died, just 20 minutes away from seeing him. So we went and saw my relatives that were there, and hugged some teary good-byes, and went to get me checked-in here.
This place isn't terrible, it's kind of like a really weird hotel, mixed with summer camp and a hospital. The rooms are a lot like a hotel room, except for the double-rooms which are barely connected (each still has it's own bathroom, they just share a door.) I started off on an assessment unit, and I spent my first two weeks there undergoing tests and evaluations to determine if I had any physical problems (nope) and what my psychological issues are. It was a highly variable place, with most people there for >2 weeks, and only a few staying any longer than a month. The staff were, and are, really nice, as were most of the patients, so in some ways it was nice just to be around people again.
Those first two weeks I didn't have any internet access, nor did I have LittleKagsin's phone number yet, nor one for my best friend from real life. That was a small but continually growing source of stress. Bigger sources of stress were trying to adjust to a new sleep schedule, and having to walk to and from the dining hall each day. I was in pretty weak physical shape when I got here. Just walking 2½ minutes, each way, to and from meals was pushing me well beyond comfortable limits. I had to start taking Advil after each meal just to deal with the pain of walking. One week in and I collapsed on my way back from lunch. Almost as bad was the night I had to go without sleep before getting an EEG. That was really painful, and really stressful on my system, both physically and psychologically.
At the end of my time on the evaluation unit, they told me the "good" news that I was physically healthy, surprisingly so, and that they wanted me to move over to one of the longer-term units. This was not news I took very well, and was really depressed and withdrawn. Making it worse was that I'd had my mom email LittleKagsin and give her my phone number here. Only I didn't realize my mom hadn't given her the direct line, and only to the hospital, so Kags had to work up the courage to call and talk to reception to leave a message for me.
In any case, I moved over to the other unit, and was pissed off and not sure what to do. Until I found out that internet was available here, and I got a lot of stress release checking in on Halforus (which has since been blocked) and as many other sites as I could. That got me thinking clearly enough that I decided that the fastest way to get out of here was to throw myself into testing the psychological diagnosis, even if I didn't believe it could be true. So I did my best to try to disprove that I had Somatoform Disorder, by temporarily assuming that it was true. It didn't take very long to start to get results though, and my pain started to go down. I was still in a lot of pain from physical activity, but the constant pain I'd been in for years started to go away.
Most of the last six weeks has been spent learning about how to cope with what I've learned about myself. I repress my emotions, and that gets turned into the physical symptoms I've been putting up with for the last 17 years. Lots of classes on various behavior modification classes (CBT and DBT), as well as classes on Trauma, Perfectionism, Family Dynamics, Power Issues and more.
Plus a lot of physical activity. Once I got the psychological pain under control, I had a lot greater ability to push my physical limits, and that's been really great. I've put on 15 - 20 pounds of muscle in the last 8 weeks. (Eh, make that ~15 pounds in 10 weeks, I was being overly optimistic in my estimation) I've started lifting weights, for the first time in over a decade, and I'm getting aerobic activity 4 or 5 days a week. I came here worrying that I'd get put on some anti-depressant that would cause me to gain a lot of fat. I'm not on medication, and I'm nearly as trim as I was when I came in, though the excellent food here constantly puts that in jeopardy (the desserts are an ever-present temptation).
I've gotten a bit of a reputation as an wise and compassionate member of the group. Well, among most of the group. A small group seems to have the mistaken impression that I'm a horndog whose every comment is somehow flirtatious, but I have no idea how that happened. </feigned innocence> I fear that my roommate here has been a bad influence on me. I'll have to be careful not to violate my own rules once I'm back to the cosplay thread.
What I miss the most:
1. Halforums
2. Being able to follow cosplayers on Tumblr.
- especially not being able to send messages there to a certain cosplayer friend of mine (not Kags) who doesn't reliably answer email!
3. Fresh-ground black pepper
4. Video games (they have an Xbox 360 here, but it's only got Kinect games as far as I know. Not the same as being able to finish Machinarum or Deus Ex Human Revolution: The Missing Link)
---
So, that's what I've been up to for the last 10 weeks. I checked out this morning, and have moved to a step-down program. I'm living in apartments with access to staff, and I'll still be taking classes and getting counseling on how to integrate myself into the real world and set up the functional life I've never had before.
Despite getting out, today has not been a great day. I'm really scared about all the new changes to my life and I'm not sure how well I'm coping. A lot of the old pain is back and I'm not sure how to make it go away. I'm trying, and hopefully a good night's rest tonight will help. I'm hoping for a relaxing weekend, but I'm not sure that will happen.
It's really good to be back, but I really don't have much time for catching up just yet. Hopefully I'll be able to keep up with at least this thread.
Any questions are welcome, and I could sure use some encouragement.
In short, I've spent the past, roughly, 2 months in a psychiatric hospital. Checked in because I was depressed to the point of suicide because of my long-standing health problems, and ended up finding out a lot more about myself in the process. Here's what I said to Jay about it, roughly 2 weeks ago:
---
Well, the first day was pretty damn crappy. Getting packed and ready to go was really nerve-wracking, not knowing how long I'd be gone for, or what to really expect. Plus my grandfather was in the hospital and we were going to see him on the way to the psychiatric hospital. On the drive to see my grandfather we got a call that he had died, just 20 minutes away from seeing him. So we went and saw my relatives that were there, and hugged some teary good-byes, and went to get me checked-in here.
This place isn't terrible, it's kind of like a really weird hotel, mixed with summer camp and a hospital. The rooms are a lot like a hotel room, except for the double-rooms which are barely connected (each still has it's own bathroom, they just share a door.) I started off on an assessment unit, and I spent my first two weeks there undergoing tests and evaluations to determine if I had any physical problems (nope) and what my psychological issues are. It was a highly variable place, with most people there for >2 weeks, and only a few staying any longer than a month. The staff were, and are, really nice, as were most of the patients, so in some ways it was nice just to be around people again.
Those first two weeks I didn't have any internet access, nor did I have LittleKagsin's phone number yet, nor one for my best friend from real life. That was a small but continually growing source of stress. Bigger sources of stress were trying to adjust to a new sleep schedule, and having to walk to and from the dining hall each day. I was in pretty weak physical shape when I got here. Just walking 2½ minutes, each way, to and from meals was pushing me well beyond comfortable limits. I had to start taking Advil after each meal just to deal with the pain of walking. One week in and I collapsed on my way back from lunch. Almost as bad was the night I had to go without sleep before getting an EEG. That was really painful, and really stressful on my system, both physically and psychologically.
At the end of my time on the evaluation unit, they told me the "good" news that I was physically healthy, surprisingly so, and that they wanted me to move over to one of the longer-term units. This was not news I took very well, and was really depressed and withdrawn. Making it worse was that I'd had my mom email LittleKagsin and give her my phone number here. Only I didn't realize my mom hadn't given her the direct line, and only to the hospital, so Kags had to work up the courage to call and talk to reception to leave a message for me.
In any case, I moved over to the other unit, and was pissed off and not sure what to do. Until I found out that internet was available here, and I got a lot of stress release checking in on Halforus (which has since been blocked) and as many other sites as I could. That got me thinking clearly enough that I decided that the fastest way to get out of here was to throw myself into testing the psychological diagnosis, even if I didn't believe it could be true. So I did my best to try to disprove that I had Somatoform Disorder, by temporarily assuming that it was true. It didn't take very long to start to get results though, and my pain started to go down. I was still in a lot of pain from physical activity, but the constant pain I'd been in for years started to go away.
Most of the last six weeks has been spent learning about how to cope with what I've learned about myself. I repress my emotions, and that gets turned into the physical symptoms I've been putting up with for the last 17 years. Lots of classes on various behavior modification classes (CBT and DBT), as well as classes on Trauma, Perfectionism, Family Dynamics, Power Issues and more.
Plus a lot of physical activity. Once I got the psychological pain under control, I had a lot greater ability to push my physical limits, and that's been really great. I've put on 15 - 20 pounds of muscle in the last 8 weeks. (Eh, make that ~15 pounds in 10 weeks, I was being overly optimistic in my estimation) I've started lifting weights, for the first time in over a decade, and I'm getting aerobic activity 4 or 5 days a week. I came here worrying that I'd get put on some anti-depressant that would cause me to gain a lot of fat. I'm not on medication, and I'm nearly as trim as I was when I came in, though the excellent food here constantly puts that in jeopardy (the desserts are an ever-present temptation).
I've gotten a bit of a reputation as an wise and compassionate member of the group. Well, among most of the group. A small group seems to have the mistaken impression that I'm a horndog whose every comment is somehow flirtatious, but I have no idea how that happened. </feigned innocence> I fear that my roommate here has been a bad influence on me. I'll have to be careful not to violate my own rules once I'm back to the cosplay thread.
What I miss the most:
1. Halforums
2. Being able to follow cosplayers on Tumblr.
- especially not being able to send messages there to a certain cosplayer friend of mine (not Kags) who doesn't reliably answer email!
3. Fresh-ground black pepper
4. Video games (they have an Xbox 360 here, but it's only got Kinect games as far as I know. Not the same as being able to finish Machinarum or Deus Ex Human Revolution: The Missing Link)
---
So, that's what I've been up to for the last 10 weeks. I checked out this morning, and have moved to a step-down program. I'm living in apartments with access to staff, and I'll still be taking classes and getting counseling on how to integrate myself into the real world and set up the functional life I've never had before.
Despite getting out, today has not been a great day. I'm really scared about all the new changes to my life and I'm not sure how well I'm coping. A lot of the old pain is back and I'm not sure how to make it go away. I'm trying, and hopefully a good night's rest tonight will help. I'm hoping for a relaxing weekend, but I'm not sure that will happen.
It's really good to be back, but I really don't have much time for catching up just yet. Hopefully I'll be able to keep up with at least this thread.
Any questions are welcome, and I could sure use some encouragement.
