Headed Towards Monogamy?

Calleja said:

What if I don't KNOW what I want? hwell:

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Calleja said:

No, that'd be a problem if I had a problem with her being intense... but I don't. I was there 2 days ago, I get it. The problem is ME.

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Calleja;402445][QUOTE=Azurephoenix said:

I'd vote for scared shitless... but what makes you think un-smitten?

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escushion said:

You could always be a complete asshole to her, treat her like shit, and make her life miserable until she breaks up with you. Does that sound preferable?

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Calleja said:

What like.. out near her front door? Or are you saying I should come in, say hi to her parents, sit down in the living room and THEN break up with her... stand up, say goodbye to her parents, and leave?

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How to Break Up With a Woman
By: Kimberly Dawn Neumann
Breakups suck. There's no other way to put it. But keep in mind that what happens in the moments before, during and after you deliver those three little words ("This isn't working") will forever determine how you're remembered. Will you be that great guy she remembers wistfully… or the jerk she can't believe she ever dated?
Unless there has been some egregious violation of the dating code - she did something so unforgivable you get a free pass to behave like an idiot - most women would ask for one thing: End it like a man, not a frat boy. "Dumping someone is never fun but if you're clear about why your relationship has to end and you know that it's time, you owe it to the woman to make the break," says dating guru David Wygant, founder of www.flirtdaily.com. "Just be kind, honest within reason, and brief."
With that in mind, we decided to gather input from women and experts about the best way to let a gal go.
Don't Do a Disappearing Act
Sadly this is an all too common tactic with men, but listen up… it's just not cool. "My friends and I agree there's nothing worse than fading away into oblivion!" says Stacey, 29, from Pensacola, FL. "Then the girl is left just wondering and waiting." Women need some sort of closure, and you owe her some kind of explanation before you decide to vanish.
Do Consider the Timing
Though it's not totally your responsibility to see how she survives the breakup, you can help ease the transition by considering when you break the news. "It's thoughtful and courteous to be aware of what is going on in her life," says JoAnn Magdoff, Ph.D., a psychotherapist in New York City. In other words, don't be an extra-special jerk by delivering the news when she's already going through a rough patch. If she lost her job yesterday, give it a little time before having the big talk.
Don't Rely on Technology
We live in a world of cell phones, BlackBerries, and IMs, which means it's easier than ever to get in touch with each other. But, please don't use it as a way to escape confrontation. "Using technology to break up is a cowardly act-it means you don't have the balls to face me," says Kerry, 37, from Portsmouth, NH. "If you liked me enough to kiss me, sleep with me, have a romance with me, then I think the very least you can do is honor that connection by ending it in person."
Do Give Her Face Time
You may be tempted to deliver the news and then get the heck out of there, but there's nothing worse than bringing up the subject when you don't have adequate time to discuss it. Yes, that means you will have to talk to her and you might have to witness some tears but it's the right thing to do. "My ex broke up with me by meeting me for a drink, and we had a very open and civilized conversation," says Gigi, 39, from New York, NY. "Yes, it still hurt, but because of the classy way he handled it, we didn't lose our friendship, too."
Do Choose Your Location Wisely
"There's no reason to break the news behind closed doors-but a bit of privacy is a good thing. What you shouldn't do is deliver the news someplace where she'll lose dignity. "If you're at a party surrounded by friends where everyone will see her if she bursts into tears… that's not a good call," says Wygant. "This is between the two of you, not your whole posse." Wygant also suggests staying away from your favorite haunt or where you had your first date or anywhere that will evoke painful memories. Think neutral, think semi-private, and think about letting her save face.
Don't Be Too Honest
Women need "reasons" so they can accept the breakup and move on. But there's one big caveat…don't be spiteful or hurtful. "Getting broken up with is insulting at some level and just being rejected feels bad enough. So why make the person feel worse?" says Laurie Puhn, J.D., author of Instant Persuasion: How to Change Your Words to Change Your Life. No woman wants to hear that you're dumping her because she has bad breath or she's no longer attractive to you or you're insanely attracted to her best friend. These kinds of reflections shouldn't be shared: "You're no longer entitled to give advice or criticism because you aren't her boyfriend anymore," says Puhn. Instead, your reasons for breaking up should focus on how you two aren't the right match. Try saying something like "Both of us are good people, but I don't think we're the right fit together."
Don't Hedge
You start to deliver the news, you see her lip quiver, and you think, Oh no, she's going to cry. Should you attempt to soften the blow by saying, "Well, there might be a chance for us in the future but right now the timing isn't good" or "Maybe when things quiet down at work" or "I think I just need a break"? No, no, no! Giving a woman a false sense of hope will not help her heal. "If you know it's over, spare her the agony of pretending that you might call her sometime when you won't," says Dr. Magdoff. "If you really aren't certain about the future, you can say -I'm not sure, but please don't hold your breath…'"
Don't Freak If She Gets Emotional
We're reputed to be the more sensitive sex, remember? So yes, there's a chance that your gal might start sobbing or screaming or otherwise emoting… and you need to let her. "If she gets hostile or weepy, stay calm and let her deal with those emotions for a while-remember, you've been thinking about the breakup for weeks, she heard about it 10 seconds ago," says Puhn. If she gets more and more worked up as the minutes pass, however, take your leave and give her some down time to adjust to the new information. "Before walking away, however, set a specific time to talk later to give her security that you're willing to explain yourself and listen to what she has to say when she's calmed down," Puhn adds.
Don't Use the "It's Not You, It's Me" Line
Everyone knows if someone leaves you it's because you're not who they want and that's the bottom line. "Anyone on the receiving end of this line can see through it," says Magdoff. She suggests a better phrase to utter might be, "Who you are and what you want are absolutely terrific, but where I am right now is a very different place."
Do Break Up With Her Before Starting Anything Else!
That's called cheating! And if you intentionally stray in an effort to make her break up with you, you're a chicken and deserve whatever reaction you get! Also, forget about using the "I've met someone else" escape clause. Introducing a new love into a break-up discussion only tortures your soon-to-be ex. "After three years together, my boyfriend ended it with me over the phone by saying he'd met another woman on his trip to Europe," says Jenny, 30, from Seattle. "I spent the next two years wondering, What's it like for them? Is it different from when he and I were together? Do they order the same kind of takeout? Do they listen to the same music we listened to? Do they laugh as much? Do they laugh more? And what makes her so much more appealing than me?" Get the point? Mentioning another woman really hurts and intensifies the pain.
Do Keep in Touch, But Only on Special Occasions
Calling just to check up on her in a week or a month is not really helpful. It just confuses things and catapults you back into the forefront of her mind. There is one exception here though… the special occasion. "If it's her birthday or a holiday and you were very close, then it is sweet to call to wish her well," says Puhn. However, don't call to make plans, don't call to discuss sensitive issues and don't talk for longer than ten minutes. "Be acquaintances and keep in mind that acquaintances rarely talk more than twice a year," says Puhn.
Don't Engage in Break-Up Sex
We know… it's comfortable, she's vulnerable, and you think one more time won't hurt anything. Wrong. When you get intimate she'll be reminded of the amazing physical connection you two had, and suddenly you're right back in it. Do you really want to go through another breakup? Ex sex doesn't end things… it just drags it out.
Do Reassure Her
One final point-let her know that she mattered. Puhn suggests saying something like "I enjoyed being with you, and I value the time we spent together, but we just aren't right for the long-run." She needs to know that you didn't consider her -a waste of time' or unimportant. That will help her risk giving her heart to someone else in the future.
Kimberly Dawn Neumann is a New York City-based freelance writer whose work has appeared in Cosmopolitan, Maxim, Marie Claire and other publications.

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Delivering the news
Open the conversation by getting straight to the point, saying something like, "I'm no longer happy in this relationship" or "I'm having second thoughts about being in a serious, committed relationship." You want to avoid attacking her specifically at all costs, so use these suggestions rather than saying, "I'm no longer happy with you" or "I'm having second thoughts about being with you." Next, be prepared to explain why. Tell the truth as gently as possible; don't sugarcoat it too much and definitely do not lie. Even if you're fed up with her and can no longer stand to be in the same room with her, remember that there was a time when she was all you could think about. There was a time when your love for her was strong, and she deserves to be treated with patience and respect during this difficult moment.

Psychologically, nobody responds well to direct attacks that use the word "you." How you explain yourself to her and the words you choose to use are very important. Let's say that your reason for wanting to break up is that she's very clingy and needy, insanely jealous and irrationally possessive. Instead of saying, "You're too clingy and you're way too needy" try saying something like, "I feel like I need more space" and "I'm at a point in my life where I don't want to have to answer to anybody." Another option is, "I can't give you what you need, and it isn't fair to you for me to keep you in a relationship like that when you could be out meeting the person who can."




Receiving the news
Be prepared for her to quickly cycle through all five stages of mourning.

DENIAL: "You're crazy. You don't really want to break up, you're just upset."
ANGER: "This is so unfair. After everything I've done for you, everything I've put up with, YOU want to leave ME?!?!"
During the anger stage, if your girlfriend feels like she is being attacked (which is a common reaction when someone is being told there's something wrong with them) she will immediately go on the defensive and start retaliating against everything you're saying. She may tell you that your reasons for wanting to leave aren't valid, that she didn't do anything wrong, that you're not perfect either, etc. But if your heart is set on ending the relationship, firmly but gently tell her that your concerns are real and nothing she says is going to change that. Don't allow yourself to be distracted from the task at hand by getting dragged into an argument that analyzes and dissects your reasons. It's a diversion tactic that could have you sitting around for hours going over every angle. Doing this just postpones the inevitable. If your girlfriend approaches the anger stage in this way, tell her straight up that your feelings are valid even if she does not agree with your reasoning, and inform her that you are not going to sit here and fight and nitpick over every point.

Another common response is to turn everything back on to you and start listing your downfalls and character flaws. To avoid getting into a lengthy discussion about how much you suck, openly admit that you're not perfect and you're fully aware of it, say that you know you have faults of your own and would never claim otherwise, then direct the conversation back to ending the relationship.

BARGAINING: "Why don't we just take some time off instead? Let's spend a few days apart so you can see what it's like to miss me."
DEPRESSION: A combination of crying and wailing, "No one's ever going to love me ever again!"
ACCEPTANCE: "Fine. Whatever. Do what you want."

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What to do if you're cheating on her
If you've been cheating on her and want to break-up so you can pursue a relationship with the other woman, you might as well just tell your girlfriend the truth because I guarantee she's going to find out anyway. If you're interested in someone else but have not yet crossed the line into cheating, be honest about this, too. Tell your girlfriend that you've developed feelings for someone else but that you respect her too much to cheat on her. However, it is something you want to explore so you wanted to be upfront with her before you actually did anything. You owe her honesty.

In this case, it is very common for a lot of women to start thinking there's something wrong with them, that they are not good enough or are lacking in some way. Although it's cliché to say, "It's not you, it's me" it's important to stress to your girlfriend that she didn't do anything wrong. Sometimes you just click with another person in a different way and feelings develop unexpectedly. Reassure her that she is an amazing, beautiful girl, but stick to your guns if you're truly set on leaving. Tell her that you're not going to be a jerk by keeping her in a relationship and sneaking around behind her back.

Working through it
Be prepared to spend at least an hour on the break-up conversation, if not more. Plan the break-up for a block of time when you know you're both going to be free. Most initial break-up conversations last several hours and span two or three days. You don't want to have to rush. Be patient, answer her questions and comfort her if she cries. At some point, however, you're going to have to cut it short. Once everything has been discussed there's no need to keep rehashing the same points. It just prolongs the pain, and don't be afraid to explain this to her. After a reasonable amount of time has passed, let her go so she can mourn on her own and talk to her friends to gain some perspective. She'll probably need a few days to come to grips with the situation, and will most likely be calling you during this time to express either extreme anger, guilt or sadness. There's nothing wrong with that, but after a week or two you may have to be a little firm with her because the sooner you break away from each other the more she can heal and the quicker you can go your separate ways.

Oftentimes, the break-up process is equally as difficult for the person who is doing the breaking. You may love your girlfriend deeply as a friend but find that your in-love feelings have faded. You may be dissatisfied with the direction the relationship is moving or have learned things about your partner that you don't appreciate and can't live with. This can be heart wrenching if you had hoped to spend your life with this person. But you owe it to yourself to do whatever you have to in order to make yourself happy, and you owe it to her to let her be free to find someone else. Sometimes you have to close one door to allow another one to open elsewhere.

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