Rant VIII: The Reckoning

Tinwhistler

Tinwhistler

So, I started a new job a few months ago. Basically just thrown into the fire with little or no preparation.
That's fine. I'm used to hitting the ground running. And it's a manager position, so it's not like I have to come up to speed super-fast on the code base. Just have to get an understanding of what the teams are working on. It's understandable, because of short-staffing, I took over 3 teams from someone who was struggling to juggle 6. So, even though I'm lessening the load, nobody really has time to hold my hand.

But at least twice a week, someone on the upper management team asks me "Hey, have you done X yet?" and my answer is "Uh, this is the first I'm hearing about it. Please tell me more."

Advance warning before stuff was due would be...peachy.
 
Cog

Cog

At least the money can be returned. But I feel like I'm making too many mistakes like that lately. Speaking of lately, Vero is angry with me. She wanted me to go to mass today because it's another month since my dad's death and I didn't go. I don't see why that ceremony would be important. The only difference from regular mass is that the priest is going to mention his name, along with the names of others who died the same month.
 
Shammerkins

Shammerkins

Dave said:
Investigation over. Self inflicted. Funeral is Wednesday. Sammi flies in tonight and will stay the week. Friday next we're going to have the whole high school friend group over to grill burgers, throw back a few, and tell stories about Zach and hit antics.
Click to expand...
I don't usually post here, the forum can be overwhelming for me, but I literally don't know where else to write any of this out or get it off my chest. I hope you'll forgive me for being the downer and for how long this is about to be and how potentially all over the place as well.

I've known Zach since I was in the 4th grade, a literal child. I'm now almost 29, like he was, and now I'm left wondering how the fuck to do this shit without him. I'll figure it out, and I know I will, but right now it just seems impossible. I never fathomed what it would be like having to live without him, I never thought I would have to. He was there for me through everything, every heartbreak and every bit of the stupid teen drama, he had my back against all the assholes who thought I was an easy target. I was his shoulder to cry on for every shitty girlfriend that broke up with him and I was the one to tell him that they weren't shit and that he'd find somebody worth it eventually. We picked him up when he needed space from his siblings or needed somewhere to stay, he picked me up when I needed to get space and needed to feel safe. I could always count on him, and he could count on me. I called him my brother. I remember when he came over after his first *official* tattoo (meaning, the first one he paid for and had done in a shop - his actual first was a smiley face done at a party. Go figure.) to show it off, just this big script on the back of his right arm above the elbow that said "it is what it is." I used to tease him and tell him I was going to get the same one so we could match and in true Z (Zach) fashion he'd raise his eyebrow at me and roll his eyes and laugh at me. And I'd laugh and tell him it's just because I love him and he'd laugh some more and nod his head and just say "DOPE love you too" and that would be it. I remember this guy would not leave me alone sophomore year, he was just the biggest asshole ever, he cornered me with some of his douchey friends in the hallway and they were messing with me. It was real fun for them until I started laughing...and then they turned around. And there was Zach...and OUR friends. Yeah, that was the end of that. I hated when he'd lean on the top of my head, but that day I didn't care that he did it and and he yelled at the bullies "That's what I thought PUSSAYS" before sauntering off laughing.
I know there was nothing I could have done to save him, but with that comes this overwhelming sense of helplessness and guilt that I'm struggling with. He had been sober for a year before he went out with "friends" that night - they either didn't know about his alcoholism or knew and helped him relapse anyway. And not only did they get him so drunk he couldn't function, or allow him to get that drunk, they left him at his house alone. They broke *the* rule - they left him *alone*. From what I understand, if he hadn't shot himself the alcohol very well could have killed him anyway. I don't know who he was with, but I guess it doesn't really matter anyway. Part of me wants to know so that I can blame them and have somebody in this world that I can hate for taking my brother away from me, part of me wants to know if they knew about his sobriety. Part of me wants to know their excuses for leaving him at home alone in the state he was in. But the reality is that they didn't put a gun to his head and squeeze the trigger. Somehow, cruelly, he was able to do that himself. He was finally a husband, finally a dad, finally had a steady job and was getting his life together and he finally had everything that he dreamed of his whole life. He had everything he ever wanted and he took it away from himself and from all of us. And now we're all left trying to pick up the pieces. I don't know how to describe how I feel, like I'm here but not really. I'm just...numbly walking through everything on autopilot, all of the emotions canceling the others out leaving nothing but the occasional dull ache. I've experienced loss before, too much of it, but this time it's different. He wasn't old and/or ill. He wasn't a teacher or someone I knew but wasn't close to. He wasn't somebody I just went to school with or somebody I liked well enough but lost tragically. This is a new level of grief that I was never prepared for and don't know how to handle. He took a piece of my heart with him to the grave and I'm just here trying to learn how to deal with that. I don't want to post this anywhere his mom or wife or MY mom can see, I figure dad and our mutual friends can handle it.
I've gotten a tattoo in his honor and memory, I've been listening to our song on repeat since I got home. If any of you have advice on how to deal with significant loss, I'm all ears because I just feel....broken. And lost.
Sorry again for the length and everything, I hope you guys understand and thank you for taking the time to read this if you do.

- Sammi
 
Bubble181

Bubble181

Hey Sammi,

I - and apparently a lot of the forum - are somewhat at a loss for words as to how to respond and deal with this. I can only say that there is still a vast gulf between a painful loss, like losing a friend, and real, deep-seated grief such as for a dear loved one.
There is no "quick and easy" way of getting through it. The whole "five stages of grief" thing you no doubt know is....Well, maybe not entirely BS, but definitely not an easy checklist to tick off every day. I know people who are still mourning years after a death, and, as yet another cliche goes: time does not heal all wounds, it only allows you to grow some scar tissue to cover them.
I do not know how it will evolve for you. A cousin of mine lost her mother a few months back and is still very much in mourning (she lived at home with her mother for the past three years and completely set aside all other things to be full time caretaker...The mother was given 3-6 months and lasted 3+ years. Picking up the pieces after that is hard). My grandmother was widowed in her fifties and never stopped mourning until she died some 30-odd years later. On the other hand, I've known people who have lost their parents and could simply move on - of course this also has much to do with a loss being "expected" or unsurprising (your 96-year-old grandmother dying is sad, but not totally unexpected even if it's sudden). Being completely blindsighted by this sort of happening is very rough. Especially if it seemed he was recovering and then got pushed back down into the pit (or dragged back down into the bucket by the other crabs).
I - and many here, no doubt - are more than willing to be a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, or any other body part you need us to be*. Sadly, there isn't much more we can do.
As far as I can tell - the sleepwalking through life eventually gets better. But there will always be triggers, there will always be sudden memories popping up, and there will always be a bit of a void where that piece of your heart used to be.

I'm very sorry for your loss (for all of you, of course), my sympathy and condolences to the family, as hollow and meaningless as I know that can sound.



*down bhamv! down boy!
 
IronBrig4

IronBrig4

It always hurts to lose a friend. Like you, I once lost a friend unexpectedly and the death was related to substance abuse. Losing somebody unexpectedly is awful and there's no easy way to grieve. My friend's mother manages his old Facebook page and it's surreal seeing updates on my news feed.

Losing somebody to cancer or old age is different. It sucks, but you're able to emotionally prepare for the inevitable. You're sad, sure, but you've had time to already start the grieving process. When my great-aunt died we all knew she had been in declining health for a long time. We were ready for it.

Like Bubble said, you can encounter triggers even years from now. You might watch a movie the two of you had enjoyed together and then be reminded of him. One time I was just going through some old dog and cat videos on my phone. There was one video of my friend's dog doing silly stuff, and then I heard my friend's narration. The video was almost a decade old. I had just moved out of state and so my friend and his wife had sent me that video to cheer me up in case I got homesick. Suddenly a lot of memories came flooding back. As time goes on, those recollections will become less painful. There will always be a hint of sadness to them, but in the future (and I mean WAY in the future) they will make you smile and chuckle.
 
drawn_inward

drawn_inward

Sammi,

I am sorry for the death of your brother. I do have a couple of suggestions and please take them with a grain of salt.
1. Don't hold in your grief. Get a notebook and write it down as it happens. If you have kids, let them see you sad. Kids need to know that it's normal and ok to be wrecked by this kind of loss.
2. Write him a letter. Tell him how sad and angry you are. Tell him the bully story. Tell him how you will miss him. Tell him everything that is on your heart. This will be hard, but it will be good for your grief. It may take multiple drafts. In time, write a version of this that you can share with his kid(s). They will want to know who their dad was.

Again, I am so sorry this happened.
 
Chad Sexington

Chad Sexington

Shammerkins said:
I don't usually post here, the forum can be overwhelming for me, but I literally don't know where else to write any of this out or get it off my chest. I hope you'll forgive me for being the downer and for how long this is about to be and how potentially all over the place as well.

I've known Zach since I was in the 4th grade, a literal child. I'm now almost 29, like he was, and now I'm left wondering how the fuck to do this shit without him. I'll figure it out, and I know I will, but right now it just seems impossible. I never fathomed what it would be like having to live without him, I never thought I would have to. He was there for me through everything, every heartbreak and every bit of the stupid teen drama, he had my back against all the assholes who thought I was an easy target. I was his shoulder to cry on for every shitty girlfriend that broke up with him and I was the one to tell him that they weren't shit and that he'd find somebody worth it eventually. We picked him up when he needed space from his siblings or needed somewhere to stay, he picked me up when I needed to get space and needed to feel safe. I could always count on him, and he could count on me. I called him my brother. I remember when he came over after his first *official* tattoo (meaning, the first one he paid for and had done in a shop - his actual first was a smiley face done at a party. Go figure.) to show it off, just this big script on the back of his right arm above the elbow that said "it is what it is." I used to tease him and tell him I was going to get the same one so we could match and in true Z (Zach) fashion he'd raise his eyebrow at me and roll his eyes and laugh at me. And I'd laugh and tell him it's just because I love him and he'd laugh some more and nod his head and just say "DOPE love you too" and that would be it. I remember this guy would not leave me alone sophomore year, he was just the biggest asshole ever, he cornered me with some of his douchey friends in the hallway and they were messing with me. It was real fun for them until I started laughing...and then they turned around. And there was Zach...and OUR friends. Yeah, that was the end of that. I hated when he'd lean on the top of my head, but that day I didn't care that he did it and and he yelled at the bullies "That's what I thought PUSSAYS" before sauntering off laughing.
I know there was nothing I could have done to save him, but with that comes this overwhelming sense of helplessness and guilt that I'm struggling with. He had been sober for a year before he went out with "friends" that night - they either didn't know about his alcoholism or knew and helped him relapse anyway. And not only did they get him so drunk he couldn't function, or allow him to get that drunk, they left him at his house alone. They broke *the* rule - they left him *alone*. From what I understand, if he hadn't shot himself the alcohol very well could have killed him anyway. I don't know who he was with, but I guess it doesn't really matter anyway. Part of me wants to know so that I can blame them and have somebody in this world that I can hate for taking my brother away from me, part of me wants to know if they knew about his sobriety. Part of me wants to know their excuses for leaving him at home alone in the state he was in. But the reality is that they didn't put a gun to his head and squeeze the trigger. Somehow, cruelly, he was able to do that himself. He was finally a husband, finally a dad, finally had a steady job and was getting his life together and he finally had everything that he dreamed of his whole life. He had everything he ever wanted and he took it away from himself and from all of us. And now we're all left trying to pick up the pieces. I don't know how to describe how I feel, like I'm here but not really. I'm just...numbly walking through everything on autopilot, all of the emotions canceling the others out leaving nothing but the occasional dull ache. I've experienced loss before, too much of it, but this time it's different. He wasn't old and/or ill. He wasn't a teacher or someone I knew but wasn't close to. He wasn't somebody I just went to school with or somebody I liked well enough but lost tragically. This is a new level of grief that I was never prepared for and don't know how to handle. He took a piece of my heart with him to the grave and I'm just here trying to learn how to deal with that. I don't want to post this anywhere his mom or wife or MY mom can see, I figure dad and our mutual friends can handle it.
I've gotten a tattoo in his honor and memory, I've been listening to our song on repeat since I got home. If any of you have advice on how to deal with significant loss, I'm all ears because I just feel....broken. And lost.
Sorry again for the length and everything, I hope you guys understand and thank you for taking the time to read this if you do.

- Sammi
Click to expand...
I am so sorry.

From a first point of view - I have lost people. It still hurts. Some of them, my grief is anew everytime I think of them. I'm so sad. So angry. Sure I think of their deaths less and less even as I remember their lives, but ... I've never 'gotten over' it. I think that's good, in some ways, and bad, in others. Mostly it's good because that pain is this weird reminder of how much they meant.

From a second point of view. I have been suicidal. Some here know that too well. You might know this place literally got involved to save my life once.

Suicide is a fucking mess. It's a mess thinking about, it's a mess carrying it out.

You'll never get the full answer. If his friends knew about his sobriety, yes, they are real bastards for plying him with it. If they didn't... the sad truth is, there is no knowing. I drank then, I drink now. I love the booze - too much probably - but the drink isn't where the self-destruction comes from. That's already there. The question is whether the alcohol holds off the self-destruct or enables it. And it varies like the phases of the moon.

I can't encourage you to investigate his friends to get your answer, but I know how tempting it must be to 'know'. I'm sure they feel sick over it.

Suicide is necessarily mysterious. I can recommend books, essays, if you like, but I am a person who is calmed by long, philosophical examinations. If you are not, then I may not have the resources to suggest.

Take care of yourself. Remember your friend in love. Lean on any support you need.
 
Bubble181

Bubble181

If you need any help, you know we're here for you. I mean, you can have my spare bedroom if you want, it's just a little swim away, so probably not terribly useful, but still.
 
evilmike

evilmike

Thank you all for the kind thoughts. Sadly, it's about something fairly minor. To borrow a turn of phrase, it only hurts so much because the stakes are so low.

My big takeaway of all of this, is that I need to be more careful about sticking myself with thankless tasks, regardless of how actually useful they are to someone else.
 
Bubble181

Bubble181

Today's just full of great news.
So I've got covid. So does my sister in law and her husband. And my brother, on the other side of the family.
All of that pales though compared to my father in law who has today gotten the diagnosis of pancreatic cancer.
This may not be an entirely original thought, but: Fuck Cancer.
 
IronBrig4

IronBrig4

I appreciate the offer, but I'll be okay with money and the teenager got cited. You know, the police were all right in this case. No bullshit, no power trips, and no grandstanding.
 
ThatNickGuy

ThatNickGuy

Taking a second mental health day in a row. I just...can't. Every time I think about going into work, it just fills me with dread. I'm so tired of having the exact same argument with customers over and over and have zero agency to do anything about it.

I spend every day, every call, getting yelled at over things I have no control over. I have to defend or explain company policies or pricing. And for what? To have the exact same argument again the moment I end that call? I'm just so fucking tired of it.

I've talked to several therapists in the past 4 years. A common thread is the things I used to love doing gradually decreased since taking this job. Writing, yoga, eating healthy, relationships. Everything.

But I'm also stuck in this job because it's the only decent paying job with benefits that my very limited skillset can get me. I'm a worthless loser who has wasted his life and this job has beaten out any spark my pathetic life might have had.
 
IronBrig4

IronBrig4

We have uninsured driver coverage so I’m getting half the deductible back. Our insurance (which is a little pricey but excellent quality) did a search and found the driver’s name in the system. She might have once had coverage from a shady insurance company. I looked it up and it has a well-earned reputation for sleaze. Its clients seem to be low-income with terrible driving records. It also has tons of negative reviews from people who had been hit by said clients.

That company sent me an extensive form to fill out along with a demand to do it immediately or else. I think they didn’t cover that kid who hit me but were hoping that I’d be intimidated enough to send them a check regardless. I just told them to contact my insurance where they could see the police report.
 
ThatNickGuy

ThatNickGuy

Any recommendations for sound proofing a wall? Something inexpensive. I have a neighbour whose apartment is right next to my bedroom and they LOUDLY talk with someone late at night (on the phone, by my guess). Loud enough I often hear it through the wall and make out most of what they're saying.

Tried the passive aggressive route and blasted some metal music on my phone so they might realize how thin the walls are. But all they did was loudly complain to the other person about "someone playing the radio," after I paused it.

So screw it, sound proofing padded panels it is. I don't know if they'll work like I want. Recommendations?
 
Bubble181

Bubble181

Egg cartons work surprisingly well, but unless you can make a deal with a local supermarket you'll be eating eggs for a few months if you want to cover a wall.
 
Ravenpoe

Ravenpoe

Bubble181 said:
Egg cartons work surprisingly well, but unless you can make a deal with a local supermarket you'll be eating eggs for a few months if you want to cover a wall.
Click to expand...
Egg cartons help to reduce echos and reverberation if you are trying to record audio but don't actually do anything for sound dampening
 
GasBandit

GasBandit

Staff member
ThatNickGuy said:
What about something like sound proof panels? Or do they only work for outgoing sound, like if I was too loud?

Amazon product
Click to expand...
Those, like egg crates, are more for eliminating reverberations in a recording space (the egg crates are actually the "poor man's" version of those foam pads). However, both will help to a small degree, particularly if you install the foam with the pointy end toward the wall (really it'd work best with pointy side out on THEIR side of the wall but obviously that's probably not practical). It won't be magic, but it might help some. There are also special curtains and (though I haven't tried it) "soundproofing paint" but again, these are more meant to be applied to the noisy side of the wall.

The problem is that you need to deaden the sound before it reaches the drywall, because a sizeable amount of the noise transmission between rooms actually happens through solid construction - for example, at my work, anybody drops anything on the floor the next room over, it sounds like it happened right in my office because, under my carpet, we actually share the same concrete floor on the second story. The same is true for walls.

There are things that can be done during construction to help alleviate noise like using QuietRock drywall, putting sound deadening insulation in the space between the studs, and using sound isolation clips to prevent vibrations from transferring between structural members... but of course these cost a lot more money, and builders looking to throw up buildings on the cheap rarely go in for the expense.

Probably the most effective solution (but not the most aesthetically pleasing) you could reasonably be expected to do is put a thin layer (doesn't need to be more than 1cm if even that) of soft foam across the offending wall, then put a layer of quarter- to half-inch plywood over it. This will help deaden and bounce their sound back at them - but also be warned, it will look ugly AF (especially quarter-inch plywood, it tends to warp and have unsightly gouges) and also increase the reverberation in your room, if you care about such things.

Also your landlord might object.
 
Bubble181

Bubble181

Ravenpoe said:
Egg cartons help to reduce echos and reverberation if you are trying to record audio but don't actually do anything for sound dampening
Click to expand...
Primary purpose does not mean they do nothing for the other.
I've been in many a student boarding room style thing "isolated" with egg cartons and while obviously it isn't as good as, you know, actually decently isolated walls, it does help a little. Though, as GB said, moreso on the other side of the wall.
 
Squidleybits

Squidleybits

Could noise cancelling headphones help? Mine work well v. Kids yelling into fortnite.

You shouldn’t have to wear them inside all the time, but as a short term solution until your landlord can help?
 
PatrThom

PatrThom

GasBandit said:
The problem is that you need to deaden the sound before it reaches the drywall, because a sizeable amount of the noise transmission between rooms actually happens through solid construction
Click to expand...
This is the problem. You have to eliminate solid-on-solid contact for it to work best. The easiest solution would probably be to hang a heavy curtain across the offending wall (which would give an air space between the wall and the curtain--it's essentially building another wall on your side of the wall and then sound deadening THAT), but this will not prevent conducted transmission via the ceiling or floor.

--Patrick
 
Simfers

Simfers

My wife's back started hurting again. Bad. Heat/ice/Flex-O-Flex help, which (along with the pain's sudden onset) indicates to me that it's an injury she sustained while we were at the family farm (and we stupidly didn't pay attention to ergonomics) rather than a progression of the disease, but she's terrified nonetheless. Hell, so am I.

Damn it, she was feeling SO GOOD, too.
 
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