I am sorry

Hey guys, Sam here again. We've been pretty busy with everything, so while i have told him about what has happened on here, I have yet to print it, and as I sit here in his appt I am baffled that my brother, the family techy, apparently has no printer. As such it will be a while before i can bring one here or else find out his password to log on from home.

Dave, I think my dad did receive your email, he has just been busy with this all, I believe he was going to try and phone you today to give you an update and thanks.

And PatrThom, sorry i have no idea how this tagging thing works, and Dave, I will make sure that article is available to the doctors/my parents as well.

Aaaand as for mail, if you guys want to write real mail I can leave my address with one of you, or else email me at sam12johnson@gmail.com and I will print it for Leigh as he has no electronics.

Thank you all again.

-Sam
Thank you very much for the updates Sam, I've e-mailed you the letter I had intended to send Leigh as soon as we got a mailing address determined.

All my best to you and all your family.
 
Appreciate the updates, Sam. Please let us know if there's anything else we can do. Best wishes to you and your family.
 
What everyone here has said. Thank you for taking the time to keep us in the loop. Take care of Leigh, take care of yourself and know that you and your family has our love and prayers.
 
Like everyone else has said, I'm very grateful for the updates.
And to Leigh/Chad, Sam, and the whole family - take care of yourselves, both individually and communally.
We're here if you want, or not if you don't.

@Chad Sexington you are loved. You are not alone.
 
Jumping on the bandwagon here to thank Sam for keeping us up to date.

@Chad Sexington, know that we're all rooting for you, and that this board is full of ears (er, you know what I mean) if you need them. We may not all be able to get back to you in a timely, but some of us will, and those of us who miss things are still 100% behind you.
 
Holy fuck I miss everything by relying so heavily on notifications from my phone and not actually actively browsing the forum more often. This gave me a real scare. I am so glad you guys were here to step in.
Chad, we love ya, man.
 
This is not Sam, but me, that is, Leigh, or Chad, or whatthehellever.

I've been browsing this thread for an hour or so. Certainly not what I expected to happen, if you'll forgive a little morbid understatement.

I may not have a chance to respond to some or any of the personal messages sent to me today, but I will, even if that is not until I am fully discharged from the hospital.

I cannot express, yet, or perhaps at all, what I am feeling for all of you and what has been done on my behalf, said to my family, and to me, both here and in private.

I am still technically hospitalised, and in the psych unit I am on, they do not permit electronics; some nurses say there are concerns about cords - but there are several heavy-duty cords around, so I am more inclined to believe the ones who say it is because of privacy concerns: so many things with cameras nowadays, and it can be a particularly sensitive ward to be in, of course.

However, today I am given a day-pass, so as long as I return by a certain time, I am out of the hospital for a little while, and at my apartment, and I can post here.

I don't really know what to say.

The evening of, and day after are quite fuzzy to me. I posted here, placed my written suicide note at the side of my bed, and overdosed. I went to 'sleep' afterward as normal, bothering even to brush my teeth.

From there it's a fog. My best friend's face, screaming about my hat, crying. I had some quite interesting things to say, evidently. Even funny, at times, the dark situation, and yet some of the things I desperately 'needed' to say: "The codes! The codes!" whatever that meant; I also gave my friend permission to pat my head, every day, for the rest of my life.

Currently, I am an inpatient at the University of Alberta Hospital, in their psych unit. I counsel with a psychiatrist every day, as well as check in with nurses (twice a day) about my mood and general state in-the-moment. Though my psychiatrist agrees the auditory hallucinations I experienced are not typical of depression (it is a 'psychotic' symptom), I haven't experienced any since reporting them here, and since my admission to the hospital about a week and a half ago. Unless I experience them again, fatigue and stress are considered the root cause. As a result, I am being treated for depression, specifically Major Depressive Disorder.

Pharmacologically, I am on the same antidepressant, but a changed sleeping medication - it doesn't seem to be working, but also it is just really hard to rest on an uncomfortable hospital bed with a noisy roommate, so we will see how things progress.

I have also begun to receive ECT - electroconvulsive therapy- which is something of a gold-standard in depression treatment. I've undergone two of ten-to-twelve treatments. It's quite an experience; very fascinating, and I'll post about it later.

Mood and behaviour wise I am feeling better -something observed well enough by my doctors for them to trust me to leave the hospital for the day.

I am reading a lot, and that has been good for me. I love to read, but in the last few months, that joy has somehow eluded me, or I have avoided it. It is good to rediscover.

I am bored a lot, and have starting keeping a log of how much money I can make playing solitaire. I'm up $220 as of last night, but was up $450 yesterday morning, so, you know.

I could be in the hospital for as little as two more days before being discharged (but continuing treatment and therapy as an outpatient) or as long as the end of the month, but my main psychiatrist thinks that the latter is unlikely.

I am going to spend some time with a friend and my parents for the rest of the day, but I will be back, whether it's Monday or later.

I will post more some time, both about this incident and my treatment, as well as some of my thoughts on myself and my, uhm, climactic behaviour, for anyone interested. I have much I want to say, as well as much to say that I feel is almost owed to you all.

As earlier noted, I am reeling with certain feelings I cannot quite express for this place and you all. Positive feelings, I promise.
 
It's great to hear from you man, like really, really great. Keep on raking in that sweet solitaire dough and reading, thats good stuff there.
 
Every day for the last little while I've been hoping to log on and see a message from you. So happy right now. Welcome back my friend, we've kept your seat warm. Don't rush anything, we'll be here. :)
 
HOORAY FOR CHAD! also on a personal note, dont let them push that ECT on you, if it doesnt start helping immediately, had a few friends get "fried" by over zealous doctors!
 
So glad to see you posting, even if just for today! And glad to hear that you are enjoying old hobbies again!
 
I'm glad that you're back and feeling better. Take your time and come back when it's right for you. We'll be waiting with open arms.
 
Out-fucking-standing!

So glad to hear that you're able to post and you're feeling a bit better... I hope that your levelling-out is ot too arduous, and you're able to continue to take joy in reading and relaxing for a while.

Best wishes, brother, and it is outstanding to hear from you again.
 

Zappit

Staff member
Man, you were missed, and it is so damn good hear from you. I hope the treatments help, and just remember there's a lot of people here rooting for you.
 
I'm glad you're doing better. I don't know what to say that won't sound disingenuous or scmultzy, so I'll just say I'm glad you're safe and that you're getting the help you need.

I look forward to the day you can fully bring the sexy back.
 
ECT is some serious shit, but it's also really effective. This should help you massively.

In any case, you got a lot of people waiting to hear more from you. Don't disappoint.
 
I haven't said a lot mostly because I didn't know what to say. But I do hope this is the start on the road to recovery and good changes in your life. You know full well we're all here rooting for you.
 
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