Rant VIII: The Reckoning
- Thread starter Anonymous
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She's moving out of the province, so space is a given. Not sure we're going to end up friends, sadly. She had just stopped by here to get some things. It was entirely civil, we even chit-chatted about things and had a beer together, and then... well. Anyway.
Not really a rant but I don't think we have a "bad news" thread?
Anyway, spent all day at the hospital yesterday. My wife had a miscarriage. She was at 12 weeks. It was a pretty fucking awful day.
We are pretty exhausted emotionally and physically today. Our daughter was a real bright spot yesterday and today though, even though she's 2 she totally sensed something was off and was super snugly and comforting and her overall joy is just so encouraging and contagious. We've had lots of support and love from family and friends and thats helped but, yeah, still sucks.
I'm going to try and get some editing done today so I can wrap my current project up and get paid but my heart is definitely not in it, although it's kind of nice to have a distraction.
Anyway, spent all day at the hospital yesterday. My wife had a miscarriage. She was at 12 weeks. It was a pretty fucking awful day.
We are pretty exhausted emotionally and physically today. Our daughter was a real bright spot yesterday and today though, even though she's 2 she totally sensed something was off and was super snugly and comforting and her overall joy is just so encouraging and contagious. We've had lots of support and love from family and friends and thats helped but, yeah, still sucks.
I'm going to try and get some editing done today so I can wrap my current project up and get paid but my heart is definitely not in it, although it's kind of nice to have a distraction.
all my best to you and the missus.I will give some advice because I went through this and handled it horribly.
To you it's grieving potential, but to your wife it's the loss of something that was part of her and it will feel very different. Hopefully you are a better communicator than I was but I always talked about potential and didn't hear the significance of its currency and that led to a lot of strain on my relationship. God speed little buddy.
To you it's grieving potential, but to your wife it's the loss of something that was part of her and it will feel very different. Hopefully you are a better communicator than I was but I always talked about potential and didn't hear the significance of its currency and that led to a lot of strain on my relationship. God speed little buddy.
Cajungal
Staff member
@Espy I just saw this. I'm so sorry for y'all. It's so touching when the children in your life can sense when you need extra care. I'm so glad you have her to comfort you in this difficult time. Can't imagine what it must feel like. I'll be hoping for a quick mend for you both. Many good vibes to you and your lovely wife.
News from the third world. First the good news. The new house is almost ready. Just a month more and we will be able to move.
The bad news. We are now living in a little apartment that we own and the plan was to rent it to help paying for the new house. We even have a few interested people. Today, my aunt came to see me and ask me in tears that we let her live there for free. She lost her job, she is too old to find a new job and all her savings were used in her mother's sickness and burial. She has nowhere to go. I really love this woman. I want to help her and I know that if we let her live here, it probably will be for the rest of her life. I talked with my wife and we decided to help her. I hope this is a good decision.
The bad news. We are now living in a little apartment that we own and the plan was to rent it to help paying for the new house. We even have a few interested people. Today, my aunt came to see me and ask me in tears that we let her live there for free. She lost her job, she is too old to find a new job and all her savings were used in her mother's sickness and burial. She has nowhere to go. I really love this woman. I want to help her and I know that if we let her live here, it probably will be for the rest of her life. I talked with my wife and we decided to help her. I hope this is a good decision.
So apparently my 2am twitter rants about coal and the state my home state doesn't sit well with a few of you. I'm just spam now, eh?
First a little background about the current state of things here.
And now a little story. When steel collapsed during the Reagan Recession, it took coal with it. My dad wasn't a miner, he didn't work for any of the mining companies, but he did work in an office whose business was heavily tied to coal. And when coal went bust, so did his job.
For a year and a half, it was send out resumes, receive rejection letters. For those of you too young to remember, things were so bad in the Pittsburgh area, a kid made national news when her personally handed Reagan a resume in front of TV cameras.
Right as I was about to start high school, my dad finally received an offer and accepted a job... in Alabama. For a coal company. So there was money coming in steadily once again, but at the expense of having a father nearly a thousand miles away, with only phone calls as contact. It was only years later that I learned that the job turned out to be so tenuous that he didn't know from month to month if the job was still going to be there.
Until finally it wasn't, he was laid off less than a month after he had called to say he finally found us a house, and after a year and a half of working down there. He came home to start all over again in December of '85. By March he was dead. Heart attack.
So yeah, when I see the state university gladly take money from, and name a chair for, a man who dropped a mountain on both miners and would be rescuers; when I see a governor reduced to a spokeslackey for another man who admits to trying to buy himself a judge (until SCOTUS said he couldn't); when an entire legislature desperately wants to roll back an act meant to protect the people for fear of angering the ones who poisoned our water...
And I'm an overnight desk clerk busting my ass for $8.15 an hour... WHAT THE FUCK ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?!?
But I guess this is just spam, too...
First a little background about the current state of things here.
And now a little story. When steel collapsed during the Reagan Recession, it took coal with it. My dad wasn't a miner, he didn't work for any of the mining companies, but he did work in an office whose business was heavily tied to coal. And when coal went bust, so did his job.
For a year and a half, it was send out resumes, receive rejection letters. For those of you too young to remember, things were so bad in the Pittsburgh area, a kid made national news when her personally handed Reagan a resume in front of TV cameras.
Right as I was about to start high school, my dad finally received an offer and accepted a job... in Alabama. For a coal company. So there was money coming in steadily once again, but at the expense of having a father nearly a thousand miles away, with only phone calls as contact. It was only years later that I learned that the job turned out to be so tenuous that he didn't know from month to month if the job was still going to be there.
Until finally it wasn't, he was laid off less than a month after he had called to say he finally found us a house, and after a year and a half of working down there. He came home to start all over again in December of '85. By March he was dead. Heart attack.
So yeah, when I see the state university gladly take money from, and name a chair for, a man who dropped a mountain on both miners and would be rescuers; when I see a governor reduced to a spokeslackey for another man who admits to trying to buy himself a judge (until SCOTUS said he couldn't); when an entire legislature desperately wants to roll back an act meant to protect the people for fear of angering the ones who poisoned our water...
And I'm an overnight desk clerk busting my ass for $8.15 an hour... WHAT THE FUCK ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?!?
But I guess this is just spam, too...
A
Anonymous
Anonymous
In the span of a week my relationship has gone to shit, and it's all because... we don't know. My GF had a really bad day last Saturday, we had a stupid argument over a stupid little thing, and we haven't had sex since. And it's not just sex, mind you. It's like the entire physical aspect of our relationship shut down. Zero affection. She's not sleeping, I'm not sleeping, we're on each other's nerves, and I honestly cannot say why. I'm exhausted and miserable, but everything was great less than a week ago.
WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!
WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!
doomdragon6
Staff member
Sounds like you guys are both just on edge. The argument may have been the catalyst. Your best bet may be to, in a completely non-challenging manner, ask her to sit and chat about what might be bugging her/you. Sometimes saying "something's wrong. Can we fix it?" is enough to bring it out in the open, and just... yeah, fix it. Instead of putting pressure on the situation, you might just end it with, "Why don't we just snuggle and watch a movie?" It's sort of saying, "Yes, we know something's wrong, we called it out, we may have chatted about it... Isn't that shit exhausting? Let's just relax."
I'm no expert though. Anyone else have any thoughts? The above has worked before for me, but mileage may vary, I guess.
Probably a lot of things that neither of you may be totally aware of (i.e., root causes of these things are often hard to get to because on the surface it seems like something else). If you guys can consider getting to a therapist that works with couples, they can help you guys understand what is happening because, frankly, when communication falls apart, and it sounds like it has, you need a third party to help navigate these waters.
Feel free to pm me if you need to.
Dave
Staff member
Part of this rant is Major and part is Minor...and it's not the way you'd expect it.
Minor: My mother has been diagnosed with initial stage dementia. Why is this only minor? Because it's been evident to me at least for a while now. Ever since her stroke (late 2011 - about 3 months before my dad died) she's been losing mental faculty. But...
Major: My sister is the executor of the estate and has power of attorney over my mom's assets. She's the right choice for this as she has more contact and is closer than either myself or my brother. What she's NOT right for is making any medical decision. My sister refuses to see the obvious and will drag her feet until this becomes a fight. She refused to see the writing on the wall with dad and now she's doing the same thing with mom. She thinks that mom can still live alone and be fine as long as she checks in every other day. This just isn't true. And with onstage dementia, my mom will start getting more and more combative as it progresses. NOW is the time we need to act to get her into an assisted living facility so that when her bad days hit the place is already familiar to her. But no. My sister is refusing to do anything about it and there's nothing I can do.
Late last year my mom took a bath and couldn't get out of the tub. She was in there for hours, until the water drained out drip by drip and she was dry enough to get herself out. If anything like that happens or if she has another stroke, it will be OUR FAULT if she doesn't get the help she needs soon enough.
Ugh.
Minor: My mother has been diagnosed with initial stage dementia. Why is this only minor? Because it's been evident to me at least for a while now. Ever since her stroke (late 2011 - about 3 months before my dad died) she's been losing mental faculty. But...
Major: My sister is the executor of the estate and has power of attorney over my mom's assets. She's the right choice for this as she has more contact and is closer than either myself or my brother. What she's NOT right for is making any medical decision. My sister refuses to see the obvious and will drag her feet until this becomes a fight. She refused to see the writing on the wall with dad and now she's doing the same thing with mom. She thinks that mom can still live alone and be fine as long as she checks in every other day. This just isn't true. And with onstage dementia, my mom will start getting more and more combative as it progresses. NOW is the time we need to act to get her into an assisted living facility so that when her bad days hit the place is already familiar to her. But no. My sister is refusing to do anything about it and there's nothing I can do.
Late last year my mom took a bath and couldn't get out of the tub. She was in there for hours, until the water drained out drip by drip and she was dry enough to get herself out. If anything like that happens or if she has another stroke, it will be OUR FAULT if she doesn't get the help she needs soon enough.
Ugh.
Dave
Staff member
She was apparently too busy at work to reply in a timely manner. I took that as her falling back on her old position of "everything will be okay if we ignore it".
figmentPez
Staff member
Today would have been my older sister's birthday. She died 6 years ago, yesterday. I still miss her an awful lot.
I'm so sorry. Is it okay to ask what happened?
figmentPez
Staff member
She'd fought cancer, lymphoma, for many years. She'd gone through two treatments of chemo and radiation. She was in remission, but one of the tumors had grown along her spine, and crushed a vertebrae as it grew, so she was in a lot of pain and it limited her mobility. While she was getting a scan to confirm the cancer was in remission, her neck got accidentally rebroken. While she was in bed rest for that, she caught pneumonia, was hospitalized, passed into a coma, and died. It was oddly sudden, after years of ups and downs.
More of my thoughts on missing Marie on my Tumblr.
So, went to see Guardians of the Galaxy again tonight - this time with the girl from work that I mentioned in the whining thread. We were going strictly as friends.
Here's a quick rundown of what happened previously for anyone not up to speed: Single mom, super cute girl with an amazing smile and eyes. She admitted to having a crush on me for a number of weeks. After a recent break-up with her current boyfriend, she decided to just be bold and ask me out. We'd been flirting at work since. Started texting each other, including a long conversation that went late into the night. That's when we discussed our ages: she didn't know I was 36 (thought I was 25 at the most). I didn't know she was only 18. Big wrench thrown into the works, as I've been extremely hesitant to even consider the possibility of dating her. She's literally half my age.
Still, she's been the one bright spot in my life lately and I enjoyed joking and talking with her. So we made plans to see GotG tonight.
I go to pick her up and she comes out wearing this jaw-dropping summer dress. Nothing revealing. Very conservative, really. But she wore it extremely well. We see the movie and all through it, we keep brushing against each others arm and I get little tingles just from the mere touch of her.
After the movie, we kept talking and talking and talking. She invited me to a little park she enjoys going to for the swings. And we talk and talk and talk and....kiss. Yeah. Just kissing, though, I swear. The talking - intermixed with a bit of kissing here and there - becomes a longer conversation for hours, including an hour just sitting in the car outside her house. There was a moment as I was driving her home that I was stopped at an intersection. I was telling her how these days, I just don't even feel anything most of the time. I've felt so broken down and mentally/emotionally destroyed that I just don't feel anything. And she just grabbed me and kissed me, asking me if I felt something there after our lips parted. I truthfully did.
And the whole time - even now - I'm just thinking to myself, "What the hell are you doing?! She's eighteen!" But she's...gahhhhhh! She's seriously amazing. Funny as hell, kind, rambles and blushes when she gets nervous. She's gone through a lot of shit through her life, including a lot of guys taking advantage of her, mistreating her, or abusing her. I think I might be one of the first (or certainly few) genuinely nice guys she's met. Mentally, she's definitely older than 18. She's had to grow up faster than the average 18 year old, much of that due to her son. And if I were honest about myself, I sure as hell don't have the mental age of a 36 year old. Mid-20s, if I'm lucky.
Seriously guys, what the hell am I doing? I've told her flat out that while I'm extremely attracted to her and drawn to her (more than just physical attraction), I'm torn about the whole thing. I don't want EITHER of us getting hurt out of this. I told her that I'm willing to at least try the dating thing and that I want to take things extremely slow.
I just....GAHHHH! This would be so much easier if she were older or if I were younger. Is what I'm doing wrong? I know many of you will say yes and you're right. There's just...there's seriously something about this girl and I don't even know what it is. It's like @Dave said. I'll meet a girl that's just going to knock me right off my feet and she's doing that in spades.
So why can't I just go with this and try to be happy about it?
Here's a quick rundown of what happened previously for anyone not up to speed: Single mom, super cute girl with an amazing smile and eyes. She admitted to having a crush on me for a number of weeks. After a recent break-up with her current boyfriend, she decided to just be bold and ask me out. We'd been flirting at work since. Started texting each other, including a long conversation that went late into the night. That's when we discussed our ages: she didn't know I was 36 (thought I was 25 at the most). I didn't know she was only 18. Big wrench thrown into the works, as I've been extremely hesitant to even consider the possibility of dating her. She's literally half my age.
Still, she's been the one bright spot in my life lately and I enjoyed joking and talking with her. So we made plans to see GotG tonight.
I go to pick her up and she comes out wearing this jaw-dropping summer dress. Nothing revealing. Very conservative, really. But she wore it extremely well. We see the movie and all through it, we keep brushing against each others arm and I get little tingles just from the mere touch of her.
After the movie, we kept talking and talking and talking. She invited me to a little park she enjoys going to for the swings. And we talk and talk and talk and....kiss. Yeah. Just kissing, though, I swear. The talking - intermixed with a bit of kissing here and there - becomes a longer conversation for hours, including an hour just sitting in the car outside her house. There was a moment as I was driving her home that I was stopped at an intersection. I was telling her how these days, I just don't even feel anything most of the time. I've felt so broken down and mentally/emotionally destroyed that I just don't feel anything. And she just grabbed me and kissed me, asking me if I felt something there after our lips parted. I truthfully did.
And the whole time - even now - I'm just thinking to myself, "What the hell are you doing?! She's eighteen!" But she's...gahhhhhh! She's seriously amazing. Funny as hell, kind, rambles and blushes when she gets nervous. She's gone through a lot of shit through her life, including a lot of guys taking advantage of her, mistreating her, or abusing her. I think I might be one of the first (or certainly few) genuinely nice guys she's met. Mentally, she's definitely older than 18. She's had to grow up faster than the average 18 year old, much of that due to her son. And if I were honest about myself, I sure as hell don't have the mental age of a 36 year old. Mid-20s, if I'm lucky.
Seriously guys, what the hell am I doing? I've told her flat out that while I'm extremely attracted to her and drawn to her (more than just physical attraction), I'm torn about the whole thing. I don't want EITHER of us getting hurt out of this. I told her that I'm willing to at least try the dating thing and that I want to take things extremely slow.
I just....GAHHHH! This would be so much easier if she were older or if I were younger. Is what I'm doing wrong? I know many of you will say yes and you're right. There's just...there's seriously something about this girl and I don't even know what it is. It's like @Dave said. I'll meet a girl that's just going to knock me right off my feet and she's doing that in spades.
So why can't I just go with this and try to be happy about it?
My advice? Stop thinking. Go ahead and try this out. Take it slow. You will know VERY quickly if this can work or not... and honestly, what is the worst that can happen? You get hurt? Bad relationships happen. That they might happen is no excuse not to pursue love.
Yes, it's a little odd. Odd can work though.
Yes, it's a little odd. Odd can work though.
I think you're overthinking this. Just go with it, man. Even if it turns out to be a mistake in the end, sometimes its the mistakes in life that define us.
If you decide to
Have fun, don't get serious, keep it wrapped. Keep it double wrapped if things go well and you two decide to 'have fun' for awhile.
Have fun, don't get serious, keep it wrapped. Keep it double wrapped if things go well and you two decide to 'have fun' for awhile.
doomdragon6
Staff member
Hmm.. Sounds a lot like my 19-year-old lady friend I almost dated. Minus all the abuse and a son thing. I couldn't really tell you how well it'll go with you, but we didn't work out. Here are my advices:
- Just have fun. Do whatever. Whatever happens, happens. Just be safe.
- If you DO decide to officially date, then only one of two things can happen: You will either break up eventually, or you will be together forever. (Or one of you could die, I guess.)
That being said, a good ride can be worth a crash at the end.
I am utterly terrible at advice.
HOWEVER! I actually wish you luck, because I want your younger-girl-thing to go better than mine did. Which I am still bitter about. *let it goooo, let it gooo, na na na na naaa naa...*
- Just have fun. Do whatever. Whatever happens, happens. Just be safe.
- If you DO decide to officially date, then only one of two things can happen: You will either break up eventually, or you will be together forever. (Or one of you could die, I guess.)
That being said, a good ride can be worth a crash at the end.
I am utterly terrible at advice.
HOWEVER! I actually wish you luck, because I want your younger-girl-thing to go better than mine did. Which I am still bitter about. *let it goooo, let it gooo, na na na na naaa naa...*
Huh. I was honestly expecting to wake up this morning to a lot more "Don't do it! She's too young!" comments or cradle robbing jokes. Thanks, guys. I really don't know what it is about this girl. I'm sure as hell not going to just jump into anything, believe me. From the sounds of it, we could both use a little bit of slow in our lives.
Dave
Staff member
Never doubt the Dave.
She's an adult, you're an adult. Just go with it for now and stop worrying. If things work out, it's not like you two would be the first to have an age gap. You think you're special or something? Nope. Not special. So it could totally be fine. Get over yourself. 