[Rant] You get to be my SOS support group (lucky you!)

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Anonymous

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Posting anonymously because I want to be open and frank, but don't want extended family details I will be discussing to be associated with my account in a way that will come back to bite those I love later. Also because I don't want this to spill into my regular forum posting. Many of you will know who this is due to posting style anyway, it's not secret, just trying to avoid potential problems, and I'm not in this to gather attention or be the drama queen. If you have concerns about me or anything I post, want to chat privately, and you can't figure out who I am, PM a mod, they know who I am and they have my permission to provide my username to those who request it privately.

I'm pretty busy, so haven't been able to go to a Survivors of Suicide group meeting since my brother killed himself. I didn't want to go for the first few weeks, but now that I'm trying to attend other priorities are getting in the way. There are two local groups, and each hold four meetings a month, so it's not like they're rare. I'm actually luckier than the rest of my family in this regard - my siblings and parents (spread across the US) only have one group in each of their areas, and those groups only have one or two meetings a month.

Which is why I'm posting here. You get to be my outlet. Sorry, and thanks.

On Saturday, several weeks ago, I received a text message from my mom. This is unusual - she had only sent me three texts in her life. It said, "Please call me right away" and I did so. She told me that my brother just older than I had killed himself just hours prior, and she couldn't get ahold of any of the other kids in our family. She and dad were trying to get on the next available flight, and I told her I'd get in contact with the other kids and tell them.

At the time I was out with my wife and her sister and brother in law in Indiana, a weekend trip. We left the restaurant and I started making calls and sending texts. It was not hard making the calls and saying the words required, but it was so hard receiving and being part of their first reaction to the news.

I was in a car accident years ago where I was a passenger, and only just saw the vehicle that was going to hit us at 60mph (we were practically stopped) immediately prior to getting hit, and seeing the airbag explode in front of my raised hangs. I was talking and waving my hands around as I do, it wasn't like I had time to brace myself. The scream that erupted from me seemed otherworldly, primitive, and I didn't realize I had made the sound until after everything settled down.

My younger brother reacted that way when I said, "[Brother] has committed suicide." The one who committed suicide was my younger brother's best friend and confidant. I sometimes wonder if there was any way I could have softened the blow for him. As it was late at night, though, I'm sure his wife was with him, and I really don't know that taking the bandaid off slowly is better or worse than quickly. I could have split it up into two parts, death, then suicide, but the reality is that suicide is a blow all itself, and it may have been as much or greater a blow than death, so it would be hitting him twice. At the time I was still in shock, and couldn't help but think that my younger brother might do something drastic, and my mind was flying trying to figure out how to help, or at least monitor, him.

My oldest brother didn't yell or scream when I told him. I mistakenly took that to mean that it didn't hurt him as much, and I expressed my worries about our younger brother, and asked him to call and check up on our younger brother. They live about 5 hours drive from each other, so I knew if either of them needed support they couldn't get from their families, they could find it in each other - of course their wives are awesome, and they actually had a good support system in place.

My sister received the text to call me or mom, and chose to call mom, so I didn't have to tell her, though I followed up with her later.

In case you're confused, here's a handy guide by age:

Oldest brother
Suicide brother
Me
Younger brother
Sister

We're all married and have kids, and our spouses and children are all awesome.

The brother who committed suicide was married and has two children, 12 and 10 years old. His wife is from New Zealand, and is a permanent resident (green card) but due to missing a deadline years ago became effectively ineligible for citizenship. She never really wanted to live in the US, and would rather have spent the rest of her life raising her family in new zealand, but the one year they gave it a try, she found that even though he had excellent skills and experience in systems and server administration, the job market in NZ wasn't as good as the US and she would have had to accept a much more spartan lifestyle there. In fact he spent most of his time working construction because, at the time, there were no jobs for Americans with his skill in the areas she wanted to live.

Perhaps I'll add more later. Looks like this is going to be a long story.
 
I'll be the first to post, since my curiosity overrides my common sense.

Does anyone know if this was prompted by anything? I know there are many "impulsive" suicides, but I have to assume that the people with reasonably stable lifestyles aren't the ones who go in for that. I therefore have to assume that either there was some sort of pain-related reason (medical, psychological, etc) and this was an out, or else this was one of those "my family will be better off without me" (insurance, bitterness, affair, etc) moments.

Nobody in my family has committed suicide. None of my friends/peers/coworkers ever have, either. Therefore this is unfamiliar territory for me. Many people seem to treat death by one's own hand differently than that brought by another. As details emerge, I suppose you will get a better picture of what was going on, and your reactions will no doubt be uncharacteristically strong due to the amount of emotion "powering" them. I hope you are ready for the roller coaster you're about to ride, but of course we're here to hear you vent if you need it.

--Patrick
 

Dave

Staff member
Talk all you want, man. Yell, rant, fucking cuss a blue fucking streak. Whatever you need. We're here for you. Shit, I'm in the phone book if you want to call.
 

Cajungal

Staff member
I won't sugar coat, because you know. It's the worst feeling in the world. Like Dave said, give yourself all the time you need, and use this time of grief to truly understand the importance of family and loved ones. I hope that you can all somehow comfort one another and get out of this okay. I'm so very sorry for your loss, and I'm sorry for the suffering your poor brother must have felt to go through with that. You're in my thoughts. Come back and spill your guts as much as you need to.
 
Shit.

I don't know what to say. I suffer from severe depression. I think about killing myself a lot. If I go one week without seriously thinking about it, that's a good week. I have been hospitalised twice for attempts, and spent two weeks in a psych ward once in high school after an attempt.

I don't know what you need, I don't know what will help, but if you want to ask someone about what's in the mind of suicidal person, I can try to give you my dreary perspective on the situation. I can't imagine the emotional wreckage that must be left behind.

Shit. Shit, I am so sorry for you and your brother and your family. Shit.
 
I am not sure what to say or even what I can say other than I am terribly sorry for your loss and if you need anything a sounding board or just someone to talk to just send me a PM and I will give you my cell phone number and you can contact m,e whenever you want.
 
Holy crap man. Just... holy crap.

We're here for you. This little corner of the Internet is here for you.

You are not alone.
 
A

Anonymous

Anonymous

Thanks for your comments and kind words, they mean a lot to me.

I'm feeling much, much better today, so I'll not be continuing the story yet, but I'm sure there's another bad day just around the corner.

Today, however, I'm excited about a project I get to work on, so there's that.
 
Thats what I love about this place, even despite being FB friends with quite a few of you I always felt like this was a safe place to be able to let stuff out and I'm really glad you are doing that here. Your story really hits me man, my dad kind of committed suicide (we won't ever really know, but he had to have known what he did would kill himself for a variety of reasons) and it will always leave a huge gaping hole in my heart. To be honest I've never actually written or said that out loud despite knowing it.

So before I start getting all messed up in here I just want you to know that I'm praying for you and your family. That you are loved and that we are here for you to rant and rave and talk and blog and whatever you need. You also can contact me if you want to talk or pray or whatever. I'm just so sorry that you are having to deal with this.
 
One of my best friends brothers killed themselves. The family believes it was a prank gone wrong but he hung himself In their barn. One of his friends was there at the time leading to the prank gone wrong theory. That's actually the reason I got introduced to him my sister was dating a cousin of his and after that happened she introduced us. He's three days older than me
 
My grandfather, one of my cousins, two of my great-aunts, and a friend have all committed suicide. My grandfather had cancer. He killed himself when I was in my mid-twenties. My cousin was depressed about a break-up and other things "wrong" in his life. My great-aunts - one was suspicious and could have been murder, but it was ruled a suicide and the other I really don't know details of. My friend was someone I had known since kindergarten. He was 16. He was doing drugs (either acid or angel dust depending on who you talk to), freaked out, and shot himself.
Sometimes I wonder if this is part of the reason I feel strongly about getting into social work and studying psychology.
 
^Wow, WasabiPoptart , my mom's grandfather did the same thing. Throat cancer, and it didn't look promising for him. My mom was the only one who wasn't surprised.
That was pretty much the same here except he had skin cancer inside of his nose (there is a specific medical name for it but I don't remember). He did it while my grandmother, mom, and aunt were in church. I was living in my own place. I had just gotten done working a midnight shift when my mom called. At first she just said he had died. I was expecting that so it wasn't much of a shock. Then she told me what had happened. I was completely floored. All I remember telling her was that I would be right there as soon as I got myself together.
 
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