[Question] How does one "Ask one out"?

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Anonymous

Anonymous

I'll start with a confession: I have never successfully asked out a girl. I've had five girlfriends in my life, each of them having made the first move asking me out first. I've attempted asking out a few girls through college but... this seems to end poorly. Two of them stopped talking to me entirely afterward.

There's this girl in my class I'm really starting to crush on. I still don't know her TOO well but she's fun to be around and I'd really like to spend time with her outside of class, but I'm afraid of screwing it up like I usually do. My past attempts have been to start off friendly, asking something like "Hey, do you want to do [insert planned activity] with me this weekend?" make it no big deal, no "first date" pressure, just hanging out, then confess attraction after hanging out a few times when we know each other better. But the furthest that has ever gotten me was a "you're like a brother to me". I'm considering trying the more direct, simple "Do you want to go on a date with me some time?" I guess I've always felt sort of a fear from the idea of doing this. It's not just asking to hang out, it's an immediate confession of romantic attraction, which may be shot down with "no, I'm not interested in you in the same way". I would like very much to get over this fear.

I guess the advice I'm looking for is: what's your experience on getting dates? Do you primarily pursue romance only with people you already know at least sort of well (my most successful, longest lasting relationship was with a girl who started as a good friend before she asked me out), or do you have no problem asking for a date right off the bat with someone you hardly know? Is my current plan of action inadvisable for any reason?
 
Terrik

Terrik




It doesn't actually have to be so difficult. Yes, you could suggest things to do outside of class. Really, the difference between friend-zone and a girlfriend is all about attitude.

My past attempts have been to start off friendly, asking something like "Hey, do you want to do [insert planned activity] with me this weekend?" make it no big deal, no "first date" pressure, just hanging out, then confess attraction after hanging out a few times when we know each other better.
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Honestly, the 'confession' shouldn't even necessarily be required. As long as you aren't "floating hand guy" your intentions shouldn't be all that hard to read. When your hanging out with these girls you like, how do you interact with them? When I was younger I'd pine over girls I'd like for months, and of course, I'd never be with them, because even If I worked up the courage to talk to them, I'd be too shy to do anything about it. It wasn't until I realized that not every girl I like is going to like me back and hey, that's fine, did I finally get over it.

As for whether or not you should only ask out people you know fairly well---some people would argue that one of the points of having a date in the first place is to get to know someone better. You like this girl, go ask her out to do something fun and don't be shy about it. And if she shoots you down, it may not be the first or last time it happens, but you did try.
 
bhamv3

bhamv3

I'd also like to point out that some girls like to start out as friends, some girls like to go straight for the romance. There's no set formula for wooing the opposite sex. So just give it a shot. The worst thing that can happen is that you end up right back where you started, in which case you lose nothing.

Oh, and much like doing anything else, social skills take practice. We all learn from the long road of horrible mistakes. Your fear right now is no different from the nerves everyone feels when we try something new, be it transferring to a new job, or trying bungee jumping for the first time, or installing a brand new video card when previously the closest you've ever come to being techy was googling the difference between a volt and a watt.

Whatever you decide, g'luck man!
 
Dave

Dave

Staff member
"Hey, Tina! Want to go grab a coffee or something?"

It's that easy. People overthink these things. Just go out for coffee or a lunch one-on-one. By the end of that lunch/coffee, you'll both know if there's a spark. If there is, say, "Hey this was fun. Would you like to go catch a show or dinner sometime?" Don't text it. Don't call it. Ask her directly. If she hedges, don't feel rejected, just say, "Cool." and move on with your life.

If you do this all neurotic and scared, there's no way she'll want to go out with you. Quit thinking and start doing.
 
LittleSin

LittleSin

What Dave said. Don't follow a stupid three day rule. After the initial date try to 'close the deal' by asking if she would like to do this again some time.

Just keep your chin up and be confident.
 
sixpackshaker

sixpackshaker

First of all Rat, you never let on how much you like a girl. "Oh, Debbie. Hi." Two, you always call the shots. "Kiss me. You won't regret it." Now three, act like wherever you are, that's the place to be. "Isn't this great?" Four, when ordering food, you find out what she wants, then order for the both of you. It's a classy move. "Now, the lady will have the linguini and white clam sauce, and a Coke with no ice." And five, now this is the most important, Rat. When it comes down to making out, whenever possible, put on side one of Led Zeppelin IV.
 
Gusto

Gusto

sixpackshaker said:
First of all Rat, you never let on how much you like a girl. "Oh, Debbie. Hi." Two, you always call the shots. "Kiss me. You won't regret it." Now three, act like wherever you are, that's the place to be. "Isn't this great?" Four, when ordering food, you find out what she wants, then order for the both of you. It's a classy move. "Now, the lady will have the linguini and white clam sauce, and a Coke with no ice." And five, now this is the most important, Rat. When it comes down to making out, whenever possible, put on side one of Led Zeppelin IV.
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Bowielee

Bowielee

I'd say that starting off by approaching it as a friendship is probably a mistake. Really, though it is not always the case, if you don't make it clear that you're romantically interested, you'll be placed firmly in the friend zone.
 
bhamv3

bhamv3

Gilgamesh said:
I'd like to point out that if this happens, then 99x out of 100 that's as far as it'll ever go.
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Bowielee said:
I'd say that starting off by approaching it as a friendship is probably a mistake. Really, though it is not always the case, if you don't make it clear that you're romantically interested, you'll be placed firmly in the friend zone.
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Purely from personal experience, several of my female friends ended up getting into romantic entanglements with me. Now, I emphasize this is just my own experience. It's quite possible that the boundary between the friend zone and the not-friend zone is more clearly defined than my experience would suggest. But still, I'd say starting out as friends isn't the death sentence a lot of people make it out to be.

Might also have something to with cultural differences, of course. Girls in Taiwan probably don't behave the same way as girls from western countries.
 
SpecialKO

SpecialKO

Bowielee said:
I'd say that starting off by approaching it as a friendship is probably a mistake. Really, though it is not always the case, if you don't make it clear that you're romantically interested, you'll be placed firmly in the friend zone.
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Agreed. Once you're platonic friend, it literally takes a massive change in how they see you as a person to make you more than that.

That said, I've certainly gotten together with someone that began with a friendship, but it was the kind of friendship where we were both with other people when we met so while we were friends, it was of the flirty kind.[DOUBLEPOST=1353460819][/DOUBLEPOST]
bhamv3 said:
Purely from personal experience, several of my female friends ended up getting into romantic entanglements with me.
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It depends on the kind of friendship.
 
Gilgamesh

Gilgamesh

bhamv3 - You do realize you're in the massive minority of that actually being the way it works correct? Not exactly sound -general- advice for most others.

That'd be like me saying, I dated this one girl that was totally open to threesomes so you should try that in every relationship.
 
T

The_Khan

Gilgamesh said:
bhamv3 - You do realize you're in the massive minority of that actually being the way it works correct? Not exactly sound -general- advice for most others.

That'd be like me saying, I dated this one girl that was totally open to threesomes so you should try that in every relationship.
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well, if a threesome is a requirement and you are really into swinging I would say you should be upfront and honest with your partners about what you want instead of hiding your desire.

lies hurt everyone, including yourself.
 
Gilgamesh

Gilgamesh

The_Khan said:
well, if a threesome is a requirement and you are really into swinging I would say you should be upfront and honest with your partners about what you want instead of hiding your desire.

lies hurt everyone, including yourself.
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Not even remotely near the point I was making and just about as different a conversation as possibly could be had on the subject.
 
bhamv3

bhamv3

Gilgamesh said:
bhamv3 - You do realize you're in the massive minority of that actually being the way it works correct? Not exactly sound -general- advice for most others.

That'd be like me saying, I dated this one girl that was totally open to threesomes so you should try that in every relationship.
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Yep, which is why I'm emphasizing it's my personal experience. Relationships that start from platonic friendship can and do happen. But most people are skeptical about it. With good reason, generally.
 
Gilgamesh

Gilgamesh

bhamv3 said:
Yep, which is why I'm emphasizing it's my personal experience. Relationships that start from platonic friendship can and do happen. But most people are skeptical about it. With good reason, generally.
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Still not solid advice for someone who's never even asked someone out.
 
Gusto

Gusto

All advice on this topic will be anecdotal; there's no scientific way to approach this girl with a surefire strategy.
 
Gilgamesh

Gilgamesh

Gusto said:
All advice on this topic will be anecdotal; there's no scientific way to approach this girl with a surefire strategy.
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There's general advice that's found to be best in most situations, which is what would be best in this one.

Again, just because I had threesomes with one girl, doesn't mean I'd offer it as advice for someone new to dating.

The_Khan said:
I'm just saying be yourself, because that's all you will ever be.

I was also trying to say, 'work on your similes.'
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Be yourself yes. Better similes no.
 
T

The_Khan

Gilgamesh said:
There's general advice that's found to be best in most situations, which is what would be best in this one.

Again, just because I had threesomes with one girl, doesn't mean I'd offer it as advice for someone new to dating.


Be yourself yes. Better similes no.
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you're really trying to drive home that you had a threesome arn't you?

best advice for asking a girl out? Talk to her? Don't sweat it? Be yourself?
 
Gusto

Gusto

Gilgamesh said:
There's general advice that's found to be best in most situations, which is what would be best in this one.

Again, just because I had threesomes with one girl, doesn't mean I'd offer it as advice for someone new to dating.
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I agree. If most people say "don't be her friend first" then that's the strategy that has worked for most people.

And you're making me hungry for a threesome.
 
Gilgamesh

Gilgamesh

Gusto said:
I agree. If most people say "don't be her friend first" then that's the strategy that has worked for most people.

And you're making me hungry for a threesome.
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It's also to be noted, I never said being a friend first doesn't work. It simply is a path that has a very low percentage of success and not best for someone who's barely entering the relationship world. I would hate to see him in the -friend zone- with his first try.

Also, threesomes = overrated. Also usually (again most of the time not always) way more trouble and damage than they're worth :(
 
Gusto

Gusto

Gilgamesh said:
It's also to be noted, I never said being a friend first doesn't work. It simply is a path that has a very low percentage of success and not best for someone who's barely entering the relationship world. I would hate to see him in the -friend zone- with his first try.
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I agree with you! That as been my experience too, but it'd be more accurate to say "It simply is a path that has had a very low percentage of success FOR ME". I'm sure it works very often for some people, but I'd agree that they're probably in the minority. ;)

OP, my best advice would be to just ask, without becoming overly friendly first. Just ASKING A GIRL OUT FOR THE FIRST TIME, whether she says yes or no, takes ALL the pressure off for the NEXT girl you ask out. It's a huge relief, in my experience.
 
Gilgamesh

Gilgamesh

Gusto said:
I agree with you! That as been my experience too, but it'd be more accurate to say "It simply is a path that has had a very low percentage of success FOR ME". I'm sure it works very often for some people, but I'd agree that they're probably in the minority. ;)

OP, my best advice would be to just ask, without becoming overly friendly first. Just ASKING A GIRL OUT FOR THE FIRST TIME, whether she says yes or no, takes ALL the pressure off for the NEXT girl you ask out. It's a huge relief, in my experience.
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Definitely true. Once you get over the first ask the rest becomes much easier if you get a -no- and don't take it harshly.
 
Bowielee

Bowielee

Gusto said:
I agree with you! That as been my experience too, but it'd be more accurate to say "It simply is a path that has had a very low percentage of success FOR ME". I'm sure it works very often for some people, but I'd agree that they're probably in the minority. ;)

OP, my best advice would be to just ask, without becoming overly friendly first. Just ASKING A GIRL OUT FOR THE FIRST TIME, whether she says yes or no, takes ALL the pressure off for the NEXT girl you ask out. It's a huge relief, in my experience.
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Well, not to contradict you, but the friends first route is generally not going to work due to the fact that once someone has you set in one set of schemata in their head, it is EXTREMELY difficult to see them in another paradigm.

It's one of the reasons that "you never get a second chance to make a first impression" is so true.
 
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