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Three years

Blog entry posted by GasBandit, Nov 29, 2016.

GasBandit Ask me about my Reprehensible Filth

So here we are. It's been three years.

What do I say? Am I over it? I don't know. Maybe I never will be completely. But I think I'm in a better place, emotionally, than I was last year, and certainly the year before. I feel like I've made my peace with Pauline's death, and even with her infidelity, but I don't feel like I've put very much effort into putting my life back together.

I made an attempt to get on that path once or twice, but I've slacked off. Though I no longer feel like I'm doomed or obligated to spend the rest of my days living in the wreckage of my old life, I don't seem to really have done all that much to rebuild from the ruins into a new one. It's just... I don't know, easier? Comfier? I don't know how to describe it.

I think it just feels like it would be so much work, in an endeavor that may or may not bear fruit, and even if it does, it could just as easily come crashing down again at any time, and I'm no longer all that young anymore anyway, and it's all so very easy to simply bury myself in a computer game or makework project and forget that there's a house to clean and fat to burn and a life to rebuild. Maybe that's part of the problem... I've worked so hard on distracting myself for the last three years, maybe distraction has become my life.

I no longer wallow in sorrow, the dreams are fading, the scars are healing... but it's still an awful empty feeling to leave work and come home each night and have nobody there. I miss having someone I can talk to without having to filter myself. I miss being important to somebody. I miss sharing experiences.

The question is, do I miss it all enough to do something about it?